Be Dazai's mother

Sachiko.

The woman who strayed into this illusion some time ago said that her name was Sachiko, Kotori Sachiko.

"Sachiko" - I chewed this name in my mouth, her name has a very gentle feeling, and it will give people a sense of warmth when you say it.

Sachiko is indeed a very gentle person in essence, but this kindness is only for ordinary people.She will also have a selfish side, a cold side, and a side of doing nothing.She is not a saint who loves everyone, let alone a vicious gang of thieves, she is just an ordinary person who can be seen everywhere.

For some reason, I felt a little lost.

Having said that, Sachiko has a strange passion for me.I guess it has something to do with her dead child.

Sometimes I would see a female ghost who looked exactly like her behind the smiling Sachiko. The ghost didn't seem to have any sense, just chanting about children, children, my children covered in blood.

Although the ghost looks exactly like Sachiko, I can tell they are two different people.But if this is the case, why do they look exactly the same, and why does that ghost follow Sachiko?

I guess there must be a very special relationship between them, maybe it is like the resurrection of the corpse described in the book I have read?It's just that the soul of the original owner whose body was borrowed has not completely left.

Of course, these are just my conjectures.I have no strong evidence to prove these fantastic things for the time being.It wouldn't be a difficult thing if there was any evidence, just to find out Sachiko's reaction.

But maybe because I realized that this matter was a rotten scar that Sachiko couldn't touch, I didn't say anything.

Sachiko couldn't see the ghost that was exactly the same as her own. When the other ghost floated behind her, Sachiko continued to talk to me unaware.

Of course, that ghost didn't follow Sachiko all the time.Sometimes I also see her wandering aimlessly in other parts of Tsushima's house.

Back to business.After coming to Tsushima's house, except for the first time she saw me, she seemed to resist me because she noticed something in my nature, Sachiko always followed me unconsciously.

Maybe she didn't realize it herself, she always stopped suddenly when she was working, unconsciously looking for something, when I stood up, Sachiko would laugh and look very happy.

I like Sachiko's smile, but when she looks at me with that kind of loving eyes, I feel genuine fear.

This is not acceptable.I said this to myself in my heart.

Everything in the illusion has always been the same.During the time I stayed in the illusion, I counted the time every day. It has been a year since today, and there has been no change in the illusion during this year. The only change now is this Xingzi who strayed into the illusion. To escape from the illusion, Sachiko must be a very crucial clue.

So... I have to be close to Sachiko.

The night came again, and the sleeping servant turned into a ghost and was looking for me everywhere.Because I was thinking about recent events, I walked away for a while and almost got caught, and my body became covered in injuries before I knew it.

After getting rid of the ghosts behind me, I mentally calculated the approximate location of each ghost and the possible direction to go, and finally judged that the probability of being found in the abandoned warehouse where I was staying last time was the smallest.

The only thing that may make me uncomfortable is that the abandoned warehouse has now become Sachiko's temporary residence, and if I go there, I will 100% meet Sachiko.

Is it really okay for Sachiko to see her in such a mess now?

I don't like to expose my embarrassing side in front of others, it will make me feel a kind of shame.Especially if this person is Sachiko, I feel that I will probably be so embarrassed that I want to bite my tongue and kill myself immediately.

But I also wondered how Sachiko would react.This kind of exploration of "ordinary human beings" forced me to test Sachiko's reaction even if it would be painful.

With that in mind, I walked in that direction and saw Sachiko standing there.

She seemed taken aback by my sudden appearance, and she showed that happy expression again when she recognized me.

...I really don't understand why she is so happy to see me?That expression almost seemed to say that as long as she can see me, she is already very happy.

Incomprehensible.

I can't have the happiness of ordinary people, and naturally I can't understand this kind of feeling of "just seeing someone is already very happy".Anxious and depressed, I took a few steps forward so that she could see the injuries on my body.

Sure enough, the seemingly happy smile on Sachiko's face was replaced by a worried and anxious expression.

"Are you okay?" She looked at me and said, "Do you need me to call the doctor?"

I declined, saying, "It's not a serious injury." I've had more serious injuries than that.

Sachiko looked a little unhappy, I looked at her expression, thinking about how to make her happy again.

This is not because I like Sachiko so much, but because I instinctively please others and make them smile in front of me.In my eyes, other people's unhappy expressions seem to be blaming me, which makes me painful and uneasy.

Sachiko sighed helplessly, she looked at me like she was looking at a dying bird that needed to be taken care of.

Alas, to be honest, Sachiko is the "little bird", right?

When I tried to say something to make Sachiko happy again, she said in an extremely gentle tone: "But the pain still hurts, right?"

I was silent.

Yes, pain still hurts.No matter how many times I've been injured, or how serious the injury has been, I still can't stand the pain.

Whenever I have to live with pain, all the negative emotions come to a head.

It's just undeniable that the pain does make me feel "alive".

I often have the thought: "Oh, am I still alive? Is it possible that I am dead?"But when the pain surged through my limbs and made me tremble, I would think again that I am still alive.

Because the only way to feel this pain is to be alive, right?This is the only way to separate the unreal from the real.

Seeing that I fell silent, Sachiko comforted me and led me to bandage the wound.When her hand carefully touched my wound, I forced myself not to dodge it, and let her manipulate me obediently with lowered eyes like a docile house cat.

I don't want to show any more embarrassment in front of Sachiko.

Seemingly aware of my complicated mood, Sachiko started talking to me, and she said that the cherry blossoms in her hometown, Fuyuki City, are very beautiful.

Sakura, I tried to think back.

The scenery in the illusion is unchanged, there is a vast expanse of white snow everywhere, and I have been locked in the illusion for a year, and I don't quite remember what the pink petals looked like when they were in full bloom.

But to make Sachiko look so happy, it must be very, very beautiful cherry blossoms.

I described that beautiful scene in my empty heart, but no matter how gorgeous words I used to pile it up, I found that I couldn't imagine that scene.It's probably because people with hollow and dark hearts can't have such a beautiful and warm scene in their hearts no matter what.

I really want to see the cherry blossoms that Sachiko mentioned with my own eyes.

Thinking this way, I ran back excitedly shortly after leaving Sachiko's residence and asked her if she wanted to go see the cherry blossoms together.

Sachiko told me dumbfoundedly that there are no cherry blossoms yet, and they will only be available when spring comes.

But the spring in this fantasy will never come - I didn't say this, just looked at Sachiko with a smile.

Sachiko told me that eating under a cherry blossom tree makes the food more delicious.

I don't know what will happen to the delicious crab meat when it is eaten under the cherry blossom tree?Will it make people want to die of happiness just by tasting it?

I was full of expectations for this, and it was rare to have a dream when I went back.

I dreamed that I was still in the womb of my mother.

In fact, my biological mother and I are not close, I rarely see her, and our relationship is worse than that of strangers.But I don't know why the current me would have such an unbelievable dream that can be called a novelty.

I became a tiny baby, curled up and sleeping in that reassuring place.

So warm, so warm, so warm.

It's like lying in the mother's womb before birth.Warm amniotic fluid soaked the whole body, and there was a reassuring heartbeat from above.

Plop plop.

There are hands gently stroking me across the layer of belly, and those hands have a warm temperature that seems familiar.

I really want to stay here forever and never go out again——when I had this thought, a hand suddenly appeared and tore open my belly, dragging me out forcefully.

No!I screamed loudly, no!

Just keep me in there all the time, don't let me out!

The abominable murderer who pulled me out of my stomach showed a happy and happy smile with tears in her eyes. She hugged me covered in blood and dirt, and shouted in a loving voice.

"Congratulations on being born in this world, Master Xiuzhi!"

……

After waking up, I had a high fever as expected. Although my whole body was hot, I felt like I had fallen into an ice cave, shivering non-stop because of the cold.

People have the right to choose to live, but they should also have the right to choose to die.At least that's what I think, being born in this world is tantamount to entering an abyss that is more painful than Avici Hell.But some people feel happy because of my birth. Is this the torture given to me by some god?

To put it mildly, that Sachiko in the dream became as hateful as a devil in my eyes.

The servant who came to wake me up found that I had a high fever and ran to the housekeeper in a hurry.Leaving aside what happened afterwards, after a group of people gathered in the room, Sachiko also came over.The housekeeper asked Sachiko to stay and take care of me, and I chatted with her for a while after we were alone in the room.

After a while, I pretended to be asleep on purpose so that she could see my bruises when she came to undo my bandages.

I closed my eyes and listened to the rapid breathing beside me. I felt that my body was torn in two, and even the internal organs, bones, and the soul in the deepest part of the body were pulled out and exposed naked to Sachiko. in front of.

I had a strange, vindictive bliss and joy in the midst of my despair and pain.Because of this vindictive joy, I wanted to laugh out loud, but because of the pain and despair, I felt like I was thrown into hell.No, I'm afraid even hell can't describe a tenth of the pain I'm in right now.

Get away from me!Don't come near me again!

I shouted loudly in my heart: Just leave me alone like this!

The woman I regarded as a demon showed a very sad expression, but I, who was pretending to be asleep, felt thunderstruck.

After Sachiko left, I sat up and looked out the window.

Standing by the window yesterday, I saw Sachiko packing her clothes. Her movements were a little jerky, but she did a good job.

I don't know why, but thinking of that figure, I actually have the urge to cry.

I blinked, suppressed the impulse in my heart, and touched my cheek—it was dry.

Sure enough, people like me don't have such things as tears-I feel relieved about it.

At the same time, a kind of panic and fear welled up in my heart.

Why am I not crying?

It seems that I have never really cried since I have the ability to think.Even my former nanny said that I seldom cried as a toddler and was as quiet as a baby.

I used to be afraid because of this, afraid that I would be strange in the eyes of everyone.To cover up this strangeness, I always cried uncontrollably when I should cry.

Everyone thought it was my real tears.Only I know that it is just a false mask put on by the "monster" in order to be able to blend in with humans.

I think, I probably have no tears, and the tears were probably taken away by the gods a long time ago.

The urge to cry just now was probably just an illusion.

Dragging my wounded and high fever body, I got up from the bed and climbed into the wardrobe that I was already very familiar with.

In the small, dark space was a self-portrait I had drawn a few days ago, and I picked it up and put it on my lap.

Looking at the horrible and distorted face in the self-portrait, I laughed like I was happy but sad.

I hid in the closet and continued to paint the painting that belonged to the monster.I'm used to drawing in a narrow and dark space, although it will be a little uncomfortable for the eyes, but it will be fine after a while.I held the paintbrush in my hand that was almost worn out, and kept drawing.

The brush made a crisp sound of "brushing" on the paper.

The souls of the dead who forgot about their own death during the day and lived as usual once said to me with a smile, "Master Shuji really likes Sachiko."

They are wrong.

I don't like Sachiko, on the contrary, I have an almost hateful feeling towards her.

Oh, it's so boring.People in the world are always like this. When faced with what they believe, they will talk a lot, pretending that they are extremely knowledgeable and understand people's hearts, but in fact they don't understand anything at all.

Thinking of this, I felt a little sleepy.After all, I have been hiding from ghosts at night, and the only time I can sleep is during the day.

I curled up, feeling a little relieved by the feeling of being surrounded by clothing in a small dark space, looking at the old, worn paintbrush in my hand, and thinking for some reason, if I was chased by a ghost in front of her , will she leave me alone?

It's not bad to just leave me alone and let me fall into the abyss completely.

Thinking of this, I closed my eyes and whispered.

——"Sachiko."

--"Mother".