Be Dazai's mother

"Let's leave here together, just the two of us... let's go see the cherry blossoms together." I hugged Master Xiuzhi tightly and said.

This is not a servant's hug to the young master, but a hug given to her child by a woman who wants to be the mother of Master Xiuzhi.

Because of my actions, Master Xiuzhi who was originally hiding in the closet was pulled out, but the dim moonlight shining in from the window made him subconsciously cover his eyes with his hands as if he had been burned, revealing his stabbed body. Painful look.

Hearing my words, Master Xiuzhi blinked blankly, and said as if he heard something strange: "Just leave it like this and I don't care."

Master Xiuzhi seemed to be very confused, a blank paper-like blankness unique to children appeared on his face, he seemed to know everything but didn't understand anything.

But I know, he understands, he understands everything, but he understands that it is true, and it is true that he will be burned because of the body temperature of others.Struggling to get out of the pain, shouting "Help me" with an expression that seems to be about to cry, but it is also true.

But no one can really save another person. After all, we are not an object but a person with self-awareness. The road still has to be walked by ourselves. On the way, grab his hand and walk with him.

I grabbed Master Xiuzhi's hand and looked at him.Looking at his immature but bandaged face, I felt that my heart was so soft as if it had melted.

Clumsy, too smart and easily hurt my most important Master Shuji.

"Isn't it an appointment? We want to see the cherry blossoms together." I said this, with a helpless feeling in my tone.

Master Xiuzhi lowered his eyes. When he made this expression, he always looked extremely silent, as if he was enduring some unknown pain.Master Xiuzhi sighed and said, "You didn't plan to take me there at first, did you?"

Ah, he really noticed it.Even though he was aware of it, he still asked me if I could take him to see the cherry blossoms, even though he was aware of it, he still stretched out his finger hook to me.

What a clumsy man, clumsy and timid.I couldn't help but said with a complaining tone: "If you say that, isn't Master Xiuzhi the real one? He clearly knows that winter will never pass in this illusion, but he still took the initiative to stretch out his finger to me."

"As expected, you found out." Young Master Xiuzhi said in distress, but his expression was as silent and calm as ever.

He said: "I obviously didn't want you to know, but I deliberately induced you to make you think that seeing a ghost was a dream."

"Why do you want to hide it from me?" I asked softly.

"Because it's the best for you to stay here, right?" Master Xiuzhi said calmly: "You don't have to feel pain and distress for life anymore, and you don't have to struggle desperately to figure out how to live. For you , is this the most ideal world?"

He really knows everything.I thought helplessly.

"Even so, we're still hooked up, aren't we?" I said, "Once we're hooked up, we can't break our promise to each other—this is what I told you when I first came here, do you remember?"

"Although the winter in the illusion will never pass, the winter in reality will still pass."

The snow will start to melt, the leaves will grow back on the bare trees, and when the wind blows, the leaves will fall down, the weather will become warmer even though it is still cold, and the streets will become lively, Even if you lie in a quiet house, you can faintly hear the chirping of birds outside, and you can see a sea in the distance. When the sun shines down, the sea surface becomes glistening.

Lying in the house, if you can hear the sound of the waves beating in the distance, it must be a happy thing that makes you want to cry.

I looked at him with gentle eyes, Master Xiuzhi showed a look that wanted to retreat but didn't want to show his timidity.

If it was normal, I would definitely withdraw this gaze at this time.Because this distance is not a good thing for me and him.We should maintain a proper distance and not touch each other too much.

But at this time, I really couldn't control the expression on my face, and the suppressed emotion in my chest made my eye sockets a little hot.It's not because I want to cry because I feel sorry for myself or Master Xiuzhi, it's just that the joy in my heart is so exciting that my brain goes blank.

Master Xiuzhi looked at me expressionlessly, this time he was silent for a long time—maybe it wasn't that long, but being in the silent room really made me feel as if a hundred years had passed.

He said in a very cold voice: "Are you so naive as to think that I will go with you?"

Black shadows fell, making the kid with the bandaged face look creepy and dangerous.Even though he was only a child, he had an extremely terrifying aura.Even the ghosts outside don't look like they crawled out of the abyss like him.

"What are you thinking? Hmm, let me guess?" A sweet and innocent smile appeared on Master Xiuzhi's face. He sighed and reached out to touch my cheek.At this moment, Master Xiuzhi is not like a human being, but is as holy as the son of God next to the god in the legend, with a kind of cruelty and indifference like a blank sheet of paper.

But I know very well that he is not the Son of God.

"Maybe you don't remember it anymore, but the first time I met you was not at Tsushima's house. It was when you first strayed into this illusion." Master Xiuzhi said.

He seemed to recall the scene at that time, shook his head involuntarily, and let out a strange exclamation: "At that time, Sachiko was really... covered in blood and lying on the snow like a bird, no, You were a bird."

As if amused by these words, Master Xiuzhi suddenly laughed.After all, the name I gave myself was Sachiko Kotori, and I was right to say it was Kotori.

"Because the breath on your body is very interesting, there is the breath of death but also the breath of life, and you are the first person to enter this illusion by mistake, I thought it was very interesting for a while, so I deliberately teased you and asked you what you want. "

"I thought you would want food, clean clothes, a doctor or something else, in short, something that can get you out of the predicament at that time." Speaking of this, the only smile on Master Xiuzhi's face disappeared again, and he His expression seemed to be frozen by ice that would never melt.

"But what I didn't even expect was that your answer at that time was—"

"...My child, please return my child to me." In the world that was almost submerged in snow, in this false illusion that seemed to never stop, the woman covered in blood used a What can be called crazy eyes stared at him, she stretched out her hand stubbornly, shedding tears like a bunch of candles that were about to burn out, the despair and pain in that voice were enough to make people who heard it unbearable Stop shedding tears.

What Master Xiuzhi didn't tell me was that at that moment, a feeling that could be called "jealousy" almost arose in his heart.

Not jealous of the dead child in my mouth, but jealous of me being able to have such strong emotions.

He has been more delicate, sensitive and intelligent than ordinary children since he was a child. He has also seen many women and many "mothers" when dealing with other families in the Tsushima family.

Some of them are beautiful and some are ordinary-looking, some are gentle and some are secretly called fierce women.He had seen so many mothers, but he had never felt as much emotion in them as I had.

Of course, this is mostly because these mothers will not show their true side in him.They would praise and say in front of everyone: "Oh, this child is so good-looking." But they would also get together behind their backs and say: "Don't you think that child from the Tsushima family is so gloomy and strange?"

After all, he is not their child.

But he also knew that not a mother who gave birth to a child could be called a "mother".There are also those who hate the child in their womb, throw it away or sell it to others, or simply want to raise one for their own retirement.

What's more, there is another saying that a woman will produce a hormone in her body when she is pregnant, which makes her instinctively love and protect her child.

But is that love?Yes, that is love too.No matter what the reason is, whether hormones or moral requirements, love is love, at least this will not change.

The love that is praised by word of mouth is after all like a rumor that is a bit over-beautified. In reality, not everyone can produce a flawless, pure and perfect love.

Because everyone is not a saint, just an ordinary human being.

The boy named Shuji Tsushima was aware of this but at the same time despaired about it.

Is it his fault?Blame him for being too pure and delicate?Is it human fault?Blame everyone for not being a saint?

Master Xiuzhi, who was caught in his own thoughts, was in a trance for a moment. He shook his head, came back to his senses, and looked at me with an expression of indescribable sadness, although he looked expressionless.

"You wanted to get close to me at first, and you wanted to take care of me because of the woman behind you, right? Because you regarded me as that dead child?"

When I made up my mind to leave here with Master Xiuzhi, Mei had already disappeared. I don't know where she is at this moment, maybe she left.

It's just that before I noticed the resentful spirit Mei floating behind me, Master Xiuzhi really noticed it first but pretended not to know anything.

If it was the usual Master Xiuzhi, he would probably continue to pretend that he didn't know anything, and avoid this topic gently or timidly.But at this moment he pointed out my wound directly and pointedly.

I bit my lip at his words.

It was obvious that I was the one who was poked at the sore spot, but Master Xiuzhi showed painful eyes as if he had torn open his own bloody wound.

"I can't deny it," I said. "I did have special feelings for you at first because of the dead child."

Master Xiuzhi tried to take a step back, but before that, I grabbed his shoulders and said with a somewhat embarrassed smile: "But it is also undeniable that from the first time I saw you, there was a feeling in my heart. The mood never went away.”

I took something out of my pocket and put it in Master Xiuzhi's hand.

Master Xiuzhi, who wanted to continue saying something to mock me, looked at the thing in his hand - it was a paintbrush, not expensive, a brand new paintbrush that can be seen everywhere in stationery stores.

"I'm sorry to have peeked at the paintbrush you hid in the closet, but I think your paintbrush seems to be worn out, so I bought a new one for you."

I sighed helplessly, and said, "You cherish that paintbrush, don't you? Then keep it first and use the new brush to draw? You like painting very much, right?"

I stretched out my hand to hold Master Xiuzhi's hand, so that his somewhat cold palm could hold the paintbrush: "Then continue painting and do what you want."

Thinking of the painting that Master Xiuzhi showed me before, I laughed and praised sincerely: "I think you are very talented."

Master Xiuzhi pursed his lips, raised his eyes to look at me, and asked, "Don't you think it's scary?"

"Where?!" I gestured exaggeratedly, and said, "I admit that your paintings are indeed different from the mainstream aesthetics, but that doesn't mean that your paintings are bad. It's better to say that your paintings are full of unique Different talents!"

"This world cannot only accommodate beauty and flowers. Even if the painting is full of madness and darkness, it is still a very good painting, and no one can allow its birth."

Having said that, I crossed my arms a little angrily, and said, "If anyone tells you that you are not worthy of painting or that you are not allowed to paint, then I will beat that guy up."

"If no one approves, then I will allow it. If no one approves, then I will approve it." I smiled and grabbed his shoulder and said, "Master Xiu Zhi, just rest assured to do what you like." gone."

"Although I don't know if the paintbrush bought in the illusion can still be used after going out." I scratched my head in embarrassment and said, "Or after we go out together, I will buy another one for you outside?"

Master Xiuzhi was holding the paintbrush blankly—it was probably the most childlike expression I have seen on his face since I met him.

Bewildered and extremely endearing.

He looked at me blankly, and for some reason murmured in a low voice: "...that is my self-portrait."

I couldn't hear what he was saying, so I could only say "huh?" in a daze.

"...it's me." Master Xiuzhi lowered his head, the hair on his forehead covered his expression, making it difficult for me to see his face clearly.

I said blankly, "Sorry, what did you say?"

"Kill me." Young Master Xiuzhi raised his head expressionlessly, looking at me with unprecedented indifference and determination.

"Just kill me here. As long as you kill me, this illusion can be maintained forever, and you don't have to worry about what to do tomorrow. In this way, I can't escape. You imposed on me because of the dead child. Feelings can be expressed freely.”

"No matter how you look at it, it's the best choice." Young Master Xiuzhi suddenly laughed lowly, with an almost desperate pain in his voice, he shouted loudly: "Kill me!"

Master Xiuzhi, who had always been silent and quiet, became a little hysterical at this moment, and made a sharp voice as if his body was covered with thorns. He kept laughing, and said in an extremely suppressed voice while laughing: " ...Just kill me."

He looked like a drowning man clinging to the last piece of driftwood he yelled.But in fact, even if he shouted with all his strength, his voice had become hoarse and weak.This is a matter of course, only the voice of a healthy and complete person can be loud, but the voice of a dying person is always weak, and can be drowned out by other people's voices in an instant and disappear.

Even so, I caught his little cry among the myriad of voices.

"...How could it be possible to kill you?" I said helplessly.

"Why!" He stared at me closely, like a beast driven to the end, and even made a harsh sound from his throat.

"Because I want to be your mother." I said in a matter-of-fact tone: "For me, being with you is the best choice... No, it wasn't a choice from the beginning. choice, but the only and inevitable decision."

Moreover, you clearly said "Kill me", but there was an expression on your face like "Help me", how could I kill you?

I grabbed Master Xiuzhi's little hand again, trying to warm his somewhat cold hand with my own body temperature, and I said, "If possible, I want to be your mother."

"It's not because you will become someone or because I want you to replace someone, it's just me [Sachiko Kotori] wanting to be your [Shuji Tsushima]'s mother, just your mother, nothing more."

"..."

Master Xiuzhi struggled violently as if he had been stung, but I didn't let go. I hugged him tightly and said in a suppressed voice: "There are still many things in this world that you haven't seen, go and see Come on, Master Xiuzhi. Until then, I want to be by your side as your mother. No matter what happens, I will never abandon you."

I grabbed his hand tightly and said with a smile: "Look, I've got you, and I will never let go."

The struggle of the child in his arms became weaker, and he panted violently like a beast trapped in a cage, but in the end he let go as if he gave up, as if complaining and acting like a baby He muttered: "Xingzi, you are indeed a strange person... You have said that, so I can only obediently follow you?"

"I haven't looked at the outside world carefully yet. After leaving this familiar place, what is the outside world like? I am also very interested in this, and it seems good to go out and have a look."

"Sachiko."

Master Xiuzhi responded to my hug. He put his hands on my body, closed his eyes, and asked softly, "If I call you 'Mom', will you take me away?"

Enduring until now, I finally can't bear it anymore.I smiled and said with a crying expression: "Even if you don't call me, I can't leave you alone."

Master Xiuzhi looked at me, and after a few seconds of silence, he opened his mouth——

It is the first syllable most people learn after birth, and it is the lightest yet heaviest sound in the world.

"--Mother."