Ambiguous addiction

Ye Xi fell asleep while hanging the water. He had a fever and his whole body was very hot, radiating heat outwards, but his body was so cold that he couldn't help shivering.

The people in the injection room of the hospital don't know how the brain circuit is formed. In the middle of the night, only a few sporadic lights are turned on, so faint that you may not be able to see what you look like in the mirror, but the air conditioner is adjusted to the entire injection room. Crowded with people and still feel the cold temperature.

Ye Xi slept a little deeply, and he didn't even know when Lu Churan left and when he came back. Anyway, when he woke up, he was covered with a coat that didn't belong to him.

A little girl with gastroenteritis next to her also woke up, hugged by her mother in her arms, with a biscuit handed to her by her father in her hand, watching Ye Xi motionlessly in the dark, as if curious.

Ye Xi also looked back, staring at the other family of three in a daze for a while, feeling that he would not fall into envy of the little biscuits in the hands of the children, so he withdrew his eyes, turned his face away, and then his gaze hit the on Lu Churan.

Lu Churan was sitting next to him, holding his hand in his hand while preparing lesson plans, with the white light of the screen shining on his face, biting his lower lip with a serious expression.

The place is so quiet that even the sound of eyelashes fluttering can be vaguely heard when blinking, only the occasional sound of Lu Churan's slender fingers tapping on the keyboard and typing.

Ye Xi stared blankly at Lu Churan, as if he found a shadow in him that he had never noticed in anyone he had been in contact with before, which made him want to get closer and have a closer look. Be clear.

Ye Xi was thinking, why is Lu Churan so special?For example, when he is alone like now and has nothing to do, he can find something to do instead of playing with his mobile phone, but he can't do it like himself. When he is not working, he just changes places to play with his mobile phone no matter where he goes.

In fact, the phone is no fun and it hurts when you hit it on the face, but when he is alone, he wants someone to talk to him no matter what. Sometimes even at work, he would want to find someone to flirt on a whim. What an ambiguous addiction.

Ye Xi seldom got sick since he could remember, probably because he subconsciously knew that he was alone and could only wait for death if he got sick, so he didn't dare to get sick casually.

Why can some people bear loneliness as if nothing happened, but I can't?Thinking of this, Ye Xi secretly sank into depression by himself, and the state of illness made him feel extraordinarily lonely.

He understands the feeling of loneliness that goes deep into his bone marrow. He has never won anyone, to be precise, he has never stayed by anyone's side, so there is no betrayal and loss, and he has not been disloyal to anyone. No responsibility has been abdicated.

This world is very hopeless. If you have expectations at the beginning, you will feel despair when you end up with regrets. But if you never have expectations for everything, you will still be desperate.

He has already been in despair, so there is no need for more despair. He will live alone and die alone in the end.

It suddenly occurred to him that "self-survival" may not only be a succession relationship but also a causal relationship.

"Woke up, are you feeling better?" Lu Churan raised her head and saw Ye Xi staring in her direction in a daze, so she talked to him to wake him up, and then looked up at the glucose hanging on him. , "It will be over in about 10 minutes."

Ye Xi wanted to say thank you to him, but he was hesitating. He actually didn't have much real emotion when talking to those people who acted very close to him. Once he wanted to use his real emotion, he would feel a little inexplicably panicked. He didn't know what to do. Getting along with people normally, so he thought about it, but still didn't say anything, turned his eyes away, lowered his head and subconsciously licked his lips.

Lu Churan unscrewed the cap of the water bottle and handed it to him, "Fever makes you thirsty, drink some water, do you want to go to the bathroom?"

Ye Xi took the water and drank it without saying a word, and cleared his throat after drinking, as if he wanted to speak.

Lu Churan waited, but after waiting for him for a long time, he was also silent, so he turned his attention back to his computer, saved the completed lesson plans and turned off the phone, and left after Ye Xi pulled out the needle.

"Do you hate me?" Ye Xi said suddenly, Lu Churan subconsciously leaned over a little, as if he didn't hear clearly, "Huh?" Ye Xi asked again, "I said, do you hate me?"

Lu Churan closed the computer, and paused for a moment, as if thinking about this issue seriously, rather than perfunctory in order not to hurt feelings.

He felt a little strange. When he couldn't see Ye Xi, he felt that everything this person did annoyed him. The disgusting points all over his body seemed to exist just to annoy him.

But when he came in front of him, when he met his eyes, he seemed to create another illusion, making him feel that his anger had suddenly disappeared, and he couldn't hate this person at all.

I don't know whether those who hate it have become an illusion, or those who don't hate it have become an illusion.

So Lu Churan told the truth, "What you do is a bit annoying, but I don't hate you as a person. Do you care if I hate you?"

"I don't care." Ye Xi smiled, making this sentence sound less hurtful, "That's why I do things that annoy you."

Lu Churan was not angry, and couldn't help laughing along with him, a little helplessly, as if the emotional signal had deviated, and the angry factor turned a corner and hit his point of laughter, "How did you live so honestly?" Didn’t you get beaten to death? Then what are you doing knocking on my door and asking me to save you? Aren’t you afraid that I hate you so much that I don’t want to save you?”

"If you are so vicious, then it is worthwhile for me to die in front of your door to disgust you, and it will benefit the society. I was joking, I just thought of you at the time, and I felt that you would save me, so I came to you Well, it turns out that I was right about the wrong person."

After Ye Xi finished speaking, Lu Churan called the nurse to pull out the needle for him. Ye Xi stood up and returned the clothes to him. The cold wind blew on his body and made him shiver.

"Do you mean that I look like a virgin?" Lu Churan hooked the corners of her lips, and helped him put on the clothes. The sleeves were a little longer to cover the palms, and only a little finger was exposed. Cute, Lu Churan felt that he must be too sleepy and had hallucinations, "Just wear it when it's cold, and I'll let you wear it for a while."

After Lu Churan finished speaking, he picked up the computer and went out. Ye Xi followed behind him. The midsummer night sky was clear and deep, and occasionally a few stars that were about to drop could be seen.

Ye Xi couldn't see the expression of the person in front of him, only his footsteps walking forward, he followed behind silently, and suddenly said without beginning and end, "Actually, you look pretty when you smile."

"Really, I haven't smiled at you before?" Lu Churan opened the co-pilot's door for him, and turned to look at him.

Ye Xi curled his lips and thought for a while, then replied, "Very little."

Actually, almost none.

Ye Xi probably didn't realize that every time he wanted something from others, he would subconsciously start to please him, just like a cat's animal habit, when he is free, he proudly enjoys the tenderness of others, Only then will they start to cling to others and assume a weak posture.

"Oh, then I'll charge you for laughing." Before starting the car, Lu Churan put her hands on the steering wheel and looked at Ye Xi, "Don't go back to your house, the smell is so strong and you can bear it for so long , where are you going to spend the night first tonight, where is your family, or are you going to stay in a hotel?"

Ye Xi avoided his gaze for a moment, with a calm expression, "I have no family, and I don't live in a hotel."

"Sorry, I don't know." Lu Churan showed a little embarrassment on his face, and after a few seconds of silence, he continued to ask, "What about your friends, don't tell me that you have no friends, I slept at your house before The ones you said were your friends."

Ye Xi's expression seemed to want to laugh but was very reluctant. He really didn't have any friends, not a single one.

But he heard the subtext in Lu Churan's words. He knew that although Lu Churan said he didn't hate him, he actually looked down on him a bit. It's very promiscuous, there are only two people who came to my house to sleep, nothing else, I'm not the kind of person who gets sick and infects others, do you want me to show you the medical report?"

The air seemed to freeze, and they didn't speak to each other, nor did they look at each other.

Ye Xi's tone softened again, with the weak aura of being sick, he deliberately brought out his meekness and harmlessness to the extreme at this moment, "I'm sorry, I know I gave you a bad impression, I..." He He paused, of course he couldn’t tell the big truth that I don’t have any friends, but he said another truth, “I don’t have a mobile phone, I can’t reach them, and, besides, I can’t go to them, I can’t rely on them .”

"Why?" Lu Churan originally wanted to say that it had nothing to do with me. That was his instinctive reaction. How you live is your choice. Even if you are really that kind of person, it has nothing to do with me, but he felt that Ye Xi Being sick is already hard, and there is no need for him to use these words to stab him to make him feel more uncomfortable, "Aren't friends just for relying on?"

"You can't rely on others, otherwise you will lose the right to speak." Ye Xi huddled weakly in the seat, his whole face was hidden in the shadow, and he couldn't hear any emotion by his tone.

Lu Churan didn't understand this sentence, "What do you mean?"

Whether you love it or like it, once you use this thing as a bargaining chip to rely on someone you don't trust, you will lose the right to speak and put yourself in a dangerous position.

Ye Xi turned his face, tears suddenly filled his dark eyes, he easily adjusted his attitude to be humble and pitiful, as if Lu Churan would be condemned by his conscience if he could say a word of rejection.

"I admit that the relationship between those people and me is not purely friends. We have a certain interest relationship with each other. I have something I want from them. They want to get affection or a stable relationship with me. More or less. Even if I don’t, once I do the overstepping behavior of relying on them, it’s tantamount to giving them the right to speak. They will have reverie and think that I like them, but I don’t, but when the time comes I don't have the right to explain, I don't want to cause their misunderstanding, I can't rely on them."

"so what?"

The answer is ready to come out, but Lu Churan is still unmoved, I have no special feelings for you, no interest relationship, and I don't regard you as a friend in my heart, so what?

"Lu Churan, you don't have anything you want from me, and neither do I, so I want to rely on you, please take me in, please."

Ye Xi's voice was like raindrops inadvertently dripping on a windless pond in the quiet darkness like thick ink, causing ripples, slowly spreading round and round, and finally returned to calm.

Lu Churan remained silent as before, started the car and drove towards home.

"By the way, the living expenses I borrowed from you will be returned to you, but can you give me a discount for the sake of being an acquaintance?" Ye Xi looked at Lu Churan softly, feeling lonely in his eyes. In the silent promise, he quietly retreated from his heart.

Lu Churan smiled, "Okay, I don't know you very well, but it's guaranteed to break the bone, okay?"

"Don't fight, you pretend I didn't say it."

At 02:30 in the middle of the night, there was no sound everywhere, and the dim street lights retreated from the car window quickly, and the light spots were connected into an endless ribbon, extending into the scenery behind the evening wind.

Lu Churan's house originally had two bedrooms, because Lu Yage occasionally stayed at his house when he didn't want to go home when school started, so the guest room at Lu Churan's house was always prepared for her, cleaned very clean and ready for use anytime. living people.

After returning to the residence, Ye Xi packed some clothes and some work materials, then locked the door and went upstairs to Lu Churan's house.

It was only when he left his home and entered Lu Churan's home that he fully realized how unbearable the smell in his home was. No wonder he had a headache every day since he moved in.

He felt that only Lu Churan's home felt like home, the kind of place that would make people relax and feel sleepy and at ease, but it might just be that he was too sick and tired.

Ye Xi sat on Lu Churan's sofa for a while after taking a shower, then yawned and went into the guest room, lay on the bed, pulled the quilt over his head, and fell asleep in a daze.

His sleep has been floating in a shallow layer, and he feels as if he may wake up at any time, but in fact he is very sleepy and can't open his eyes at all. Between half-dreaming and half-awake, he felt several times that a broad palm was pressed against his forehead. Taking his temperature, he closed his eyes and felt warm.

He didn't dare to wake up, afraid that this illusion would be like the illusion of the little match girl, and once the match was extinguished, everything would return to its original shape.

He really wanted to tell this person, can you touch my forehead again, please don't leave, I am very sad, can you touch me again.

But then he thought again, how could anyone care about me, it was probably just a dream.

However, there were still a few times where the feeling really existed in Ye Xi's memory. He knew that Lu Churan woke him up when it was almost dawn, and gave him a large glass of water and watched him drink it up.

Although he didn't have the energy to look up at Lu Churan, he recognized his light blue pajamas.

Lu Churan asked him again if he wanted to get up to go to the bathroom, his voice was very hoarse, like the kind of hoarse voice that can only be heard when he is woken up by the phone in his dream, like a broken tape, Ye Xi shook his head and Back up.

The author has something to say: Generally, when Ye Xi is very calm and goes around with people, he is lying or nonsense, he is a person who cannot express his true feelings.