Ambiguous addiction

Ye Xi felt that he had fallen into the deep sea, and the passage of time became within reach.

He lay on the floor with eyes open all night until after dawn, then went to the kitchen to boil water to make noodles, and accidentally pressed his hand on the pot, causing blisters on his fingers and tearing from the pain up.

After eating instant noodles and taking a hot bath, he stood in the bathroom and walked away for a while, then sneezed continuously for 5 minutes. After sneezing, he found that his breathing became more and more difficult, so he took cold medicine After that, the senses of the whole person began to become dull, and he no longer felt hungry or uncomfortable, but tired and sleepy, so he fell asleep on the bed covered with a quilt, and there was still the reassuring fragrance in Lu Churan's arms on the pillow. breath.

He didn't dream, he woke up again at 04:30 pm, Ye Xi almost never stayed at home at 04:30 pm on weekdays, so he didn't notice until today that the kindergarten in their community ends at 04:30 pm Yes, and when they are getting ready to leave school, they will organize children to line up and dance in the small playground. The background music is "Tomorrow will be better".

It's so annoying, it will be better tomorrow, will it be better tomorrow?

Ye Xi got up and closed the window of the room tightly. Standing by the window, he shivered and sneezed again. While covering his nose with his hand, he sprayed his own snot.

He frowned and went to the bathroom to wash his hands and face, then went back to the room and got back under the warm blanket.

Lu Churan's mobile phone is still not in the service area, and he never posts to Moments, so Ye Xi has no way to contact him, and it is impossible to know where he is.

He tentatively sent a message "Are you there?" to Lu Churan's WeChat, and unexpectedly found that the message was successful, so he immediately excitedly sent another message "Where are you?" In the end, he found himself blocked up.

He regretted so much that his viscera were in pain, as if his blood vessels were about to burst, and he couldn't help but cursed in pain.

Then he curled up in a ball under the quilt and sank into depression. He felt that he was an idiot with capital letters and bold letters. Use nonsense to show your presence and remind Lu Churan to block himself.

Lu Churan's heart is really cold, when he likes it, he likes it deeply, and when he doesn't like it, he hates it mercilessly, without any hesitation or procrastination, not even a little bit of pity.

That's why he can live so proudly, independently and purely.

As long as you endure the lonely indifference and alienation at the beginning of contact, he will let you see his warm and delicate side that is easy to approach, but once you cross a certain distance and touch the bottom line of vigilance, you will be pierced Resisted by the cold, it is tight and solid, and no frivolous impurities can be accidentally contained, but those things that he regards as beautiful will be frozen in it, and they can be completely preserved even after time changes. retain.

Autumn had already begun to get dark very early, and the outdoor light dimmed again not long after, the sky showed a gloomy gray-blue color, and only Ye Xi was breathing with difficulty in the quiet room.

The appearance of happiness and sweetness was shattered, and the loneliness hidden in the essence brought him back to his original form, which was the loneliness he had long been numb.

It's been like this since junior high school, being lively, cheerful and talkative in the crowd, showing off his communication skills to the utmost, observing the subtleties of others' likes and dislikes, and then trying to please them.

Most people's hearts are not very sensitive. As long as their appeals are answered, they already feel that they are cared about, and the rest will not be too strict in distinguishing the truth from the false.

So Ye Xi has always been willing to be friends with him. With his various conditions and ability to like people, there are not many people around him who are friends with him, but he is very afraid of others. He confided his heart, easily not allowing others to get too close to him.

If there is an exchange of benefits for casual acquaintances, it is okay to spend more time entertaining each other, but he is instinctively afraid of building connections with people with all his heart and soul.

Is it because he is afraid that others will see through his whitewashed almost perfect loneliness and inferiority? After all, he has always been very clear about his position. He is an orphan, a child who has never had a parent-teacher meeting for him. , During the spring outing and autumn outing, no parents signed the consent form, so I never went there once.

But that's good too, so you don't have to face classmates asking unintentionally, "Why don't your parents buy you snacks?" "Why don't your parents buy you sneakers?" "Why don't your parents make lunch for you?" , Is he going to tell others pitifully that "my father ran away with another woman and my mother died", he doesn't need those little idiots to feel that he is weak and needs sympathy.

Although they will always inquire about his life experience through some inexplicable channels, and then face themselves with a complicated and superior look of pity, and ask him disgusting questions like mental retardation, "Are you in an orphanage?" Did you grow up?"

On the contrary, the world of adults is much simpler. They already have deep friendships that have been stably managed since the rebellious period and even earlier, and they have enough life accumulation and understanding to make them sigh and look back when they are doing nothing, so it will not be too much. Through the past experience and the tortuous and complicated mental journey of curious new friends, there will be no superior kindness and sympathy that Ye Xi is tired of and despised.

The first time I met Lu Churan was indifferent to him, even stingy with his smile, and he didn't have any willingness to understand him, so he felt relieved to get close to him.

Because no matter what degree of intimacy is within his control, Lu Churan will only passively respond in equal parts according to his progress.

Until they lived together, he mentioned the past to Lu Churan unpreparedly, and Lu Churan also acted naturally. He knew those things and would not look at himself with sympathy in the future, even though he was a honey pot He was a happy and contented child who grew up in the bubble, but he told himself, let the past go, it is meaningless to indulge in the past, and it can't change the fait accompli, and there can't be any future worth looking forward to from the failed past.

He is so dazzling without knowing it, yet he is not confident that he can be loved, and he asks his permission so humblely, but an ordinary person will be attracted by such a light, let alone Ye Xi How about such a person who grew up in the dark mud and never touched the light?

As long as Lu Churan gets closer to him, touches him here and there, praises him for affirming him, and occasionally gives him a kiss, Ye Xi feels that her heart is about to collapse. Are going crazy.

But I always expose the ugly side that disappoints him to him, pushing him further and further away from me.

Lu Churan likes him so much, but he can't even say a word of liking, and even say what he doesn't like, no matter how patient and loving he is, he must be discouraged by him.

What you care about should be cherished. If you lose it, you will do it yourself.

Lu Churan came to Ji'er's house early yesterday to meet them. From the moment he got on the plane, he was very serious, serious and unsmiling, much more fierce than his usual cold and indifferent appearance.

At night, after the three of them put down their luggage at the hotel, they ate dinner at a nearby izakaya. Lu Churan connected his mobile phone, which had no signal after going abroad, to the hotel’s Wi-Fi, notifying that he had received a message from Ye Xi. Locked in the small dark room, his face became even uglier.

Ji Er was intimidated by his iceberg aura for a long time, couldn't resist the severe cold and finally couldn't help but ask him: "What's the matter with you? I've never seen you like this before, even with..." He paused, Knowing that he mentioned someone who shouldn't be mentioned, he took it vaguely, "You didn't seem to be so sad when that person broke up."

Lu Churan pondered for a while with a sullen face, and then pulled out the screenshot of the chat record from the phone and showed it to Ji Er.

"Take it out of context, shit." Ji Er cursed impatiently, "Who is this? I hate the person who does such disgusting things the most. Why does he want to sow discord between you? Does he have any purpose?"

Lu Churan didn't speak, but Ji Er suddenly realized, "So Ye Xi didn't come, and you are in such a bad mood, is it because of the few words this person showed you?" He suddenly got angry, stood up abruptly, thinking He stretched out his hand to grab Lu Churan's collar, and was pushed down on the seat by He Shen next to him, and angrily shouted at the person sitting opposite, "Lu Churan, you actually questioned a stranger who meets you every day because of a stranger you met by chance. People who live together, are you mentally ill?"

Lu Churan's eyes immediately changed after hearing what he said, but he still calmed down and didn't refute anything, letting Ji Er scold him with a paralyzed face.

"If you were He Shen, my mother would have killed you long ago." Ji Er said, and He Shen who was next to him gave him a timid look, and put a piece of potato stew for him to comfort him.

"Oh, I know you're a bit of an emotional cleanser. I don't know what you used to do. But it's different now. Ye Xi is not that person. Others are fine by themselves, and their private life is a bit messy, but he can take responsibility for it. Take care of your own life. As for you, Mr. Lu, you condescendingly allow people to approach you. If you like them, you insist on dragging their lives into yours, but you don’t have the confidence to let you see If you fall in love with the person in the middle, then why do you still like him? Since you don’t have the confidence in him, don’t say that you like someone and want to start with him. Anyway, if you are not together, there is no possibility of breaking up. Fuck, I’m scolding you, don’t Just listen but don't speak."

"I'm listening, you continue." Lu Churan replied hoarsely. He was reminded by Ji Er's words and realized that the reason why he was so fragile was because he had never had confidence in himself to be loved.

Because he has never received a response from the other party, he does not believe that he can tame a wild fox that yearns for freedom by nature. Whenever there are some signs of distrust, he will be shaken and discouraged.

"You said before that Ye Xi doesn't believe in love, so he can't say that he likes you. Did he actually go through something?"

"His father had an extramarital affair and his mother committed suicide. His family didn't want to take care of him, so he entrusted him to the homeroom teacher. My stomach was so hungry, I only had bread to eat every day when I worked part-time in high school, and I lived a good life in college. I am outgoing and good at socializing, but in fact I never take any interpersonal relationship seriously. That's all." Lu Churan said a lot of things about Ye Xi's past that he had never mentioned to anyone without much thought. He also put a lot of thought into me, didn't he?"

"If he was just trying to flirt with you, he wouldn't spend his time on you, would he?" Ji Er couldn't help but sigh, "I can't imagine such a life at all. I don't think he is pitiful, but I admire him very much. How could it be possible? How can someone, who has experienced such a life, still smile at others as if nothing happened? Lu Churan, Ye Xi doesn't even have a single friend, yet he treats you without any reservations about everything."

Lu Churan remained silent, and accidentally poured miso soup on her body, and the hot soup seeped from the coat to the inner.

His face finally turned dark to the extreme, and he completely lost interest in eating. He got up from his seat and went back to the hotel, took a shower, changed into clean clothes and went to bed.

Those feelings of frustration and disappointment seemed to calm down gradually, and he began to think of Ye Xi again. What he thought of was not the appearance of him crying and not letting him leave, but not long ago when he watched him play the piano so happy that he couldn't speak. The look of holding him.

Lu Churan felt a dull pain in her heart, and changed her position on the bed uncomfortably.

When he first saw the chat records with Ye Xi that Qi Nian passed on to him, he remembered a very classic story in Aesop's fables. The snake held him in his arms to keep him warm. The snake was surprised and bit the farmer to death when he fully recovered.

At that time, he felt annoyed and ironic that he was the farmer who thought he was kind and deserved to be bitten because he didn't understand the nature of others. He naively tried to influence a person who had long been accustomed to selfishness and loneliness. Thinking that I just misunderstood, misinterpreted the other party's intention to release ambiguity towards me, and in the end I deserved to humiliate myself and get hurt.

But now I think of it, if it is really just that I think too much wrongly, then Ye Xi's behavior at the moment when he learned the truth is too abnormal.

If he really didn't take himself seriously for a second and felt that love is enough to play with ambiguity, then he should feel relieved when he, a self-proclaimed passionate person, finally wakes up, instead of being so sad that he can't tell I would rather beg myself with tears.

In fact, the moment Lu Churan left the country, his thoughts of anger and annoyance had disappeared, and he was even a little annoyed why he didn't calm down and explain clearly before leaving.

Leaving the child who made mistakes at home and let him face the wall to reflect on himself, is this what Lu Churan said he wanted to teach Ye Xi how to love others?It's really embarrassing, don't talk nonsense if you can't do it.

Besides, Ye Xi's biological mother committed suicide, even if it wasn't due to mental illness, it was probably due to some mood disorders during her lifetime, such as depression and the like, which have something to do with genetic factors.

In fact, he has already noticed that when Ye Xi is alone, he will be obviously depressed, feel pessimistic and unconsciously show that desperate expression, and his usual frivolous attitude will judge two people, so he always likes it. Sociable in groups, eager to avoid solitude and crave companionship.

I actually left Ye Xi like this at home by myself, and let him be alone after he showed such panic, guilt and embarrassment, am I a bastard, am I still a person, how can I say that I like him?

Lu Churan took a deep breath in pain, not daring to recall what kind of vicious mood she had in torturing Ye Xi to leave him, and also not daring to imagine what would happen to Ye Xi after she left.

Guilt and anxiety entangled and grew like nerves broke through the ground, occupying all his thoughts.

But when he made a long-distance call to Ye Xi, the phone on the other side was already turned off.

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