Ambiguous addiction

At 08:30 in the morning, Ye Xi received a message from Lu Churan during the regular meeting in the morning, saying that there will be a three-day hand-made coffee exchange meeting in Tokyo the day after tomorrow. He plans to attend with Ji Er, and Ji Er's predecessor also Go, plan to go to another city for two days after the exchange meeting is over, the tourist visa has been completed, ask him if there is no time to ask for leave to go with him.

Is Lu Churan going to honeymoon with him?Ye Xi looked down at the screen of his phone and couldn't help laughing, his heart was pounding, filled with excitement and high emotions, he wanted to shake his drowsy little colleague sitting next to him, and tell him how happy he was .

Happiness has always been costly to him, but from now on there will be no more loneliness, and there is no need to rely on ambiguity to fill the emptiness and comfort boredom.

Because he has obtained true love, the future is rushing in front of him, no matter what the price is, he feels that he can bear it.

So after the meeting ended, Ye Xi almost spent the rest of the day researching travel strategies.

He has wanted to travel to Japan for a long time. He wants to eat all the dishes introduced in the food show, and there are still many attractions he wants to visit. Those narrow streets that Makoto Shinkai depicted in the movie seem to be very interesting to feed the deer in Nara. Interesting, I have to go to Akihabara to buy figures and go to the maid cafe to watch the BL version of pockygame. The Shonan coast is too late to go. The hot spring hotel on Mount Fuji seems to be good. He wants to try sleeping on tatami. The window sill of the best room can overlook Mount Fuji, and I don’t know who told me before that Japanese hot springs are all naked after washing, and some hot spring hotels are equipped with independent baths, so he and Lu Churan can...

Ye Xi's face suddenly turned red in reverie, and he thought about it again.

Then, after the regular meeting in the afternoon, he went to the general manager to ask for leave, and the general manager agreed without much consideration, because his previous remedial plan was very successful, and now he has no urgent work at hand, and this month's salary has a commission .

He wanted to call Lu Churan immediately after leaving the general manager's office, but he held back after thinking about it, but he couldn't wait to appear in front of Lu Churan now.

He went back to his seat and sent Lu Churan a text message, [I've already asked for leave] but he still didn't get a reply from Lu Churan until he got off work, maybe he had class in the afternoon and didn't have time to read the message.

When Ye Xi returned home, it was raining again. The weather in November is always cloudy and rainy, the sky is gray and a bit depressing, the autumn wind rolls wet and cold rain and dew covers the ground, and the fallen leaves soaked by the rain are softly clinging to the ground. On the road, lifeless.

But Ye Xi's mood was clear. He had a smile on his face when he was still in the elevator, and he was still smiling when he opened the door with the key. He couldn't hide his smile no matter what.

The door of the house opened with a key. It seems that there is someone inside. Lu Churan came home so early?It's such a blessing to have someone waiting for you at home.

"I'm back." Ye Xi stepped into the house, looked at Lu Churan's silhouette, and was about to say, "Why don't you turn on the light? But don't turn it on, let's go out to eat, I have another commission this month Yes, isn't it great?"

Immediately he raised his eyes, and a shadow-like person sitting on the sofa with a gloomy face in the semi-thick darkness came into view.

The smile on Ye Xi's face suddenly froze, and he faintly sensed the uneasiness. He approached Lu Churan a little closer, observing his expression half hidden in the shadow with worry, and wanted to reach out to touch Lu Churan. Before the words were asked, the person who had been quiet for a long time suddenly spoke.

"What are you talking about?" Lu Churan said.

"What... what? What did I say?" Ye Xi stopped, completely unable to react.

"I haven't been serious with anyone." Lu Churan continued, without any tone, he read out the few words that he had been reading all afternoon and almost memorized them by heart.

Ye Xi suddenly opened his eyes wide, and understood it in an instant.

It was a long time ago, when he just started to fall in love with Lu Churan, Qi Nian asked himself for the first time what kind of feelings he had for Lu Churan. The first reaction was that it was impossible for him to confirm the relationship with anyone and it was impossible for him to like anyone, so he denied it with a guilty conscience and simply separated the relationship.

"The first night is gone, but the first love is still there." Lu Churan's eyes kept hanging on the floor, and the corners of his eyes didn't even look towards him.

What exactly did he see, how much more did he know, and why did he know.

Ye Xi's heart sank, his face turned pale quickly, his hands trembled like twitching, he wanted to beg Lu Churan not to say any more, it wasn't true, even when he said it, it wasn't true.

"It's enough to be ambiguous about love." This sentence pierced Lu Churan's heart the moment he said it, he took a deep breath with difficulty, and simply finished the rest of the sentence in one breath, " I don’t know, he probably won’t like someone like me, so just be a friend. What’s wrong with having a friend with an annual salary of 40, and my latest new project is also thanks to him.”

No, it's not like that, don't you believe those words, it's not like that.

Ye Xi finally realized that happiness really has a price, but he can't bear any price.

He felt dizzy before his eyes, couldn't see Lu Churan's expression clearly, but stood in front of him as if he was stupid, his throat was choked, and he couldn't say a word to defend himself.

Just after class this afternoon, Lu Churan received a message from Qi Nian, a screenshot of the chat history on WeChat, and there was a sentence below, [I have no other meaning, I just think the relationship between Teacher Lu and Senior Ye Xi is very unusual. , but Senior Ye Xi once said such things to me, so I just want to remind Mr. Lu, if I was overthinking, then I am sorry to bother you. 】

Lu Churan actually didn't believe that chat record, even if there was no trace of Ps, he didn't believe it, so he wanted to ask clearly, he wanted to hear Ye Xi personally refuse to admit it, even if it was to shirk all the responsibility to others. also can.

But Ye Xi's terrified look standing in front of him was already a silent answer.

Lu Churan felt as if his heart had been pierced by a fork. It was the poor quality plastic cake fork. After being poked, the fracture was rough and sharp, making his heart bleed.

He raised his head and glanced at Ye Xi, his eyes lost their light, deep and painful.

He looked directly at Ye Xi who was breathing hard as if he was about to lack oxygen, and exhaled softly through his nose, which seemed to be a disappointed lament, and also seemed to be mocking what he said, "I was thinking about it before. , why are you always so disgusted with my contact with Qi Nian, it turns out that askeletoninthecupboard* hid him there."

Ye Xi didn't refute him a word. A liar, when he tried to be honest, he seemed to be strangled by someone, and he couldn't make a sound, as if he had suddenly suffered from aphasia. Follow Lu Churan.

Lu Churan closed her eyes in pain and refused to avoid his gaze, being pushed into a deeper layer of despair by his almost acknowledging silence.

He felt that it was not good for a person like himself whose life was too smooth, because he was too sure about everything he encountered.I thought that the other party no longer denied that I liked him, did not say that I was unwilling to be my boyfriend, was willing to hug and kiss him in bed, and said that I was willing to change for myself, so I must like him.

However, being wrong is often more embarrassing than loving the wrong person.

He should have let Ye Xi go. If Ye Xi hadn't insisted on staying that day when Ye Xi was about to leave, today would not be so embarrassing and difficult to end.

However, he still used such a clumsy reason to keep him, "I cook for you every day, can you stay?" Is this a natural dog?

Ye Xi's words in the chat records kept popping up in Lu Churan's mind, and the memories implanted in them could not be erased.

[I haven't been serious with anyone.Love is enough to play with ambiguity. 】

His eye sockets began to feel sore, and he beat his chest uncomfortably.If you want to tame a man, you risk tears.I knew this truth a long time ago, but at this moment, I was so unwilling that I couldn't shed tears.

"If you like it, you can't say it. If you don't like it, you can't say it. If you don't like it, you should tell me earlier. Why do you want to meet my expectations? Is it enjoyable to watch me being cheated? Is it fun? Are you not good enough, as for being treated like this by you?" Lu Churan took a deep breath, her tone was a bit difficult, and then she remembered another thing, and then laughed angrily, "I remembered, you don't like me , you told me before, it’s just that I didn’t take it to heart, it’s your fault.”

Lu Churan opened her red eyes, but still avoided looking at Ye Xi, her eyes were still hot.

He bowed his head, stood up and walked into the room.

Ye Xi's gaze moved with his movements, as if it was wound up, and he followed behind him step by step, but he didn't speak, and was completely silent.

Lu Churan opened the closet, took out Ye Xi's clothes one by one and threw them on the bed.Ye Xi shook his body, his eyes were a little out of focus, he subconsciously pulled his hand to stop his movement, but Lu Churan slammed him away, staring into his eyes, "Explain to me, you Why are you pretending to be dumb, aren’t you very good at talking, aren’t you very good at coaxing people? Didn’t you speak very nicely when you first begged me to take you in, tell me.”

Ye Xi remained silent, and reluctantly grabbed Lu Churan's hand again, tears dripping down the back of his hand unbearable.

Lu Churan retracted reflexively as if she had been scalded, seeing Ye Xi's aggrieved and sad expression, and her heart throbbed with pain.

He waited for Ye Xi for a few seconds with the last faint hope, but the person in front of him still just shed tears and didn't say a word, as if he had been poked.

During the silence, the furious anger in Lu Churan's heart was completely extinguished, leaving only ashes of disappointment and regret. He turned around and continued to drag the suitcase out and throw Ye Xi's clothes into it one by one.

Ye Xi realized what he was doing, and moved forward to hug him a little excitedly, but he pushed him away forcefully, and reprimanded him in a deep voice, "Get out, get out."

Lu Churan didn't want to talk nonsense with him anymore, Ye Xi confronted him for several minutes, as long as he approached and touched him, he would be pushed away, and he approached again and again as if shamelessly, and then was pushed away again , not allowed to approach.

Ye Xi's thoughts have long been trapped in panic and panic. He doesn't know what else he can do to calm Lu Churan down. At least calm down. Does he want to explain? He can't explain anything. He dares to deny that those words are not true. Did he say, not a word.

Otherwise, is it "sorry" again? Ever since Lu Churan said he liked him, he seemed to have been saying sorry to Lu Churan, as if he had never done anything worthy of him since he met him, but he apologized. Forgive him, but he still continues to make mistakes without remorse.

No matter how much Ye Xi pushed, he couldn't push it away, and he didn't let Lu Churan touch his things. Lu Churan couldn't get over his stubbornness, so he threw his things aside and began to pack his own things as if discouraged.

He thought in his heart, let me go by myself, if Ye Xi is driven away now, his home is not downstairs, and he has no friends or family, where can he go.

I'm too cheap, and at this time I still feel sorry for him and think about him, but the only person he can rely on in this world is me, who else can think more for him.

Ye Xi has been trying to stop Lu Churan from packing his luggage, but his strength is not strong enough for him, and he has been so frightened that his hands and legs are weak, and when he was pushed away by Lu Churan a few times, he almost lost his center of gravity and fell to the ground .

At this moment, Lu Churan touched Ye Xi's wallet which he had hidden at the bottom of the closet. He turned around and threw the wallet on Ye Xi, and said coldly, "Give it back to you, you are free!" gone."

After the words were finished, Ye Xi was stunned as if his computer had completely crashed, and the wallet fell to the ground with a "click", and he found that he could not move at all.

Lu Churan packed her luggage, slammed the door and left almost in one go. Ye Xi froze in place like a lost soul, and couldn't even move to catch up.

He didn't know how long he stood before he suddenly lost his strength and knelt down on the ground. Lu Churan's abyss-like eyes that had shrunk light flashed in front of him, without any emotion or warmth.

It's like melting a snow mountain with all your heart, and just saw the morning sun behind the mountain and the distant road, but accidentally pressed the reset to factory settings, that look will be in Ye Xi's nightmare for a long time. He woke up.

With shaking hands, Ye Xi took out his mobile phone and dialed Lu Churan's number to beg him to come back. I didn't say those words sincerely. At that time, I was still doubting life, so I lied to him. I like you, I am I really like you.

But he called many times, and he didn't say such a thing all night, because Lu Churan's phone number was always "the number you dialed is temporarily unanswered", and it was the same no matter how many times he dialed later, it took a lot longer Later, it became "The number you dialed is not in the service area".

It seemed like a long time had passed, Ye Xi lay motionless on the floor, and when he heard the sound of rain outside the window, his stomach suddenly throbbed.

He changed into a crouched posture, turned his eyes from the ceiling to the window, and saw the sun revived in the sky, the black sky was gradually painted with a soft color after the dawn, and the warm sun brought the cold wind into the room.

Love is like this, it is still illusory, and falling in love with anyone is nothing but the same goal by different routes.

He suddenly understood why when the man who gave birth to him didn't love his mother, his mother would choose to die by herself.

It’s like you originally had nothing, and it doesn’t matter what you have, and suddenly you have love, so love becomes your everything. When that person takes back love from you, you will not return to the original point but lose everything. .

I have lost everything, so what is the fulcrum for living?

But he didn't want to imitate his mother's way of looking for life after falling in love. He has always been a person with vigorous vitality. It is his survival strategy for so many years of living alone and his philosophy of life that is free from love.

If you are sad, you still have to maintain your life, although the quality may drop to an appalling extent.

He got up from the ground and walked to the dining table, rolled up the soaked instant noodles into a big ball with a fork and ate them in two bites. It's better to make things worse for yourself. Lu Churan will definitely feel distressed if he is so sympathetic. Maybe some vague feelings of guilt and vague reluctance will be catalyzed in the distress, which can offset the disgust towards him .

But it's such a time, it's ugly enough for him to do nothing, why should he take advantage of Lu Churan's weakness to beg for mercy?Why do you still shamelessly insist on being so disgusting to others?

Ye Xi lay back on the floor in a trance, stretched out his arms to pick up the wallet not far from him, everything was in it, and there was no shortage of cash, and the ones that Lu Churan took away had already been put away according to the original amount. I went back, and there was a photo of Lu Churan in high school in the blank space, looking at the camera and smiling half against the light by the window of the library, his eyes were still stable and gentle, I don’t know when he was so shameless I put it in by myself.

Ye Xi's emotions were completely shattered in his heart at once, the sour water that had fermented into astringent smell was swollen, and tears flowed out of the sore eye sockets unconsciously.

You can do whatever you want with me, don't push me away, don't leave me, don't love me.

The author has something to say: *askeletoninthecupboard, a skeleton in a cupboard, an American proverb, which means "a secret that cannot be told".

Let's abuse him first, the scumbag will turn into a loyal dog through probation and torture, otherwise how can we force him to confess.