Ambiguous addiction

When Ye Xi opened his eyes again, he was stunned for a few seconds, his mind went blank, as if he didn't know where he was doing.

He withdrew his hand from Lu Churan's neck, not daring to look into Lu Churan's eyes, he was completely frightened by himself.

He was too close to Lu Churan, he was actually clinging to Lu Churan's arms in an almost snuggling posture, so close that Lu Churan could almost see through the dark essence hidden under his perfect surface, He thought he might be suffocating.

Weakness can be regarded as a hobby, but if it is really weak, it is shameful.

Ye Xi realized that he had lost his composure in front of Lu Churan again. The rationality, elegance and decency that he had always adhered to in order to insulate himself from emotions were gone. Now he was at an absolute disadvantage in a relationship like never before.

The ambiguous object he had thrown off before might have gloated at his misfortune if he knew about it. This terrible recognition pushed Ye Xi to the edge of self-loathing.

But he couldn't pretend that nothing had happened. Just now, he begged Lu Churan for a promise that he would not ignore him, and he had pushed himself to the point where he had no room to retreat.

Thinking of this, Ye Xi got up from Lu Churan, smoothed out the wrinkles on his shirt, and re-tied the bottom of his shirt. There was no expression on his face, as if the tenderness just now was just inadvertently stuck in time In the gap, time is relatively static, so the things experienced are not included in memory.

Lu Churan glanced at him, "What's wrong? Are you all right?"

Ye Xi shook his head and didn't speak. When he looked at Lu Churan, the smile on his lips became intimate again, but the look in his eyes quietly revealed a cold and gloomy expression, and he calmly drew away the light.

Lu Churan opened the door of the lounge, and Ye Xi followed behind him, keeping a step distance. When he walked to the outside hall, Ji Er had already come back from the outside, and there was a person sitting next to him whom Lu Churan hadn't seen. The strange man who passed by was holding a brown paper bag in his hand, and the fragrance emanated from the paper bag.

When Ji Er saw them coming, he waved to the friends who were leaving, and when they were gone, he narrowed his beautiful peach eyes and asked with a smile, "What are you doing in there? "

Lu Churan and Ye Xi looked at each other, Ye Xi turned his eyes away first, the two of them kept silent tacitly, neither of them wanted to answer Ji Er's question.

Lu Churan went to the bar and poured him a glass of warm water. He took it and said thank you, his eyes fell on the bottom of the cup, not Lu Churan's eyes.

Ji Er could see that the atmosphere between them was a little abnormal, and he was not obsessed with the answer. He shook the brown paper bag in his hand with a smile, "I'm going to try the bread made by my classmate's new shop, do you want to try it?"

Ye Xi returned with a gentle smile, "Thank you, no need."

Lu Churan seldom heard from Ye Xi that he refused others, so he glanced at him unconsciously, and then said, "Okay, I want to try."

When Ji Er went to the bar to cut bread, Lu Churan turned to Ye Xi and asked, "You don't like bread? It turns out that you also have things you don't like."

Ye Xi smiled, and said in a very flat tone: "When I was in high school, my body was always hungry, but I had no money to eat, so I wanted to work part-time, but I was not yet an adult at that time, and no one dared to invite me. So I went to a bakery and told the boss that I can work for free and don’t need money, but just give me a little bread every day to take home.”

Ye Xi is now able to calm down when recalling that difficult time, and when talking about it, it seems to be describing a warm and beautiful thing, "I ate bread for a whole year that year, and I ate bread every day. After I ate it, I would feel like throwing up when I saw the bread, maybe it’s because I’ve exceeded the bread quota in my life, but at that time I had no choice, it’s good to be full.”

Lu Churan didn't know what to say, the matter had already passed, and any comfort was powerless, and Ye Xi smiled gently, as if he didn't worry about the past, which naturally meant that there was no need for any extra sympathy.

"What are you talking about?" Ji Er came out holding the sliced ​​bread.

Lu Churan took the initiative to take the plate and put it away from Ye Xi, "It's nothing. I suddenly thought that I have never seen the man who came back with you just now."

"Oh, that's a friend of that classmate of mine, who is also helping him with the interior design of that store, and we've known each other since we met last time."

Lu Churan looked at him with a look of "I knew it", "I will send you back after meeting you once, it feels very suspicious."

"I didn't do anything." Ji Er's eyes widened suddenly, and he defended himself in embarrassment.

"May I ask which time you were chased because of what you did? He Shen was furious when he found out. Do you remember how many people confessed to you when you were an intern for two months? When you get off work, I wish I could go to work with you."

"Don't mention this kind of thing." Ji Er remembered He Shen's expression when he was jealous and didn't dare to lose his temper with him. He couldn't help laughing, and felt empty in his heart after laughing, "There won't be any more in the future."

Lu Churan took two bites of bread, picked up the plate and got up from the seat, "Don't think too much, let's cook, I'll help today."

Ye Xi lowered his head and played with his mobile phone abnormally silently, unintentionally loading on the conversation between Lu Churan and Ji Er.

Lu Churan beat the eggs into a large bowl and stirred them up. The chopsticks made a rhythmic sound when they hit the bottom of the bowl. Ji Er was processing the meat beside him, and was discussing with the chef in the shop which part of the meat made the taste of the dish. The most suitable.

Lu Churan finally realized dully that the atmosphere between him and Ye Xi seemed to have been forcibly reversed to a more ambiguous situation than before, and his mood also changed from inexplicable anxiety to complete calm.

He felt that what was between him and Ye Xi was not an exact connection, but another kind of translucent, fragile, erratic thing that could be broken at any time like the bubbles blown out of soapy water. The essence is "nothing".

【To me, you are just a little boy, just like thousands of other little boys.I do not need you.You don't need me either.To you, too, I am just a fox, no different from thousands of other foxes. 】

Lu Churan suddenly remembered this sentence, it was what the fox said to the little prince, and it seemed to be the same between him and Ye Xi. To Ye Xi, he was no different from anyone in the vast sea of ​​people, although Ye Xi He would take the initiative to kiss him and would also appear to be dependent on him, but he could tell that Ye Xi didn't need him emotionally.

And to him, Ye Xi is just one of the thousands of people who pass by his life. If he disappears at the next corner, there may be a short-term sense of loss, but there will be no flood of worries. hang.

The relationship between him and Ye Xi didn't seem to require the ritual of "making a certain day different from other days, making a certain moment different from other moments". No matter when he appeared, the other party would not want to know what happened Time to prepare his mood.

So is this like it?It's naive and embarrassing for a man to come up to another man and ask, "Do you like me?"

What's more, what is said may not be the truth. After all, most of the time in life, the truth is good, and the ending will only leave a sentence "You think too much".

It takes time to determine whether a person is worthy of your firm persistence. It is not a simple sentence of "like" or "dislike". It is indeed a moment of pleasure to speak out, but things will become irreversible , so the answer is not that important, is it.

But the answer is an indispensable thing in the ceremony. The mutual recognition of feelings is the basis for everything to go with the flow. Without that sentence, the relationship is an equation without an equal sign. If the solution doesn't work, that's what his first love taught him.

Lu Churan thought it was a bit ridiculous when he thought about it. All his understanding and experience of love can be traced back to his first love almost ten years ago.

But he didn't even remember what that person looked like, even the appearance in his memory was hazy.

At that time, I was really too young, and it was too easy to say anything, and I always felt that I could use "a lifetime" to measure it.

Although in the end it ended in embarrassment and indifference, and the promises that had been delivered have become worthless, but the innocence and foolishness at that time were still true.

So if you like it, you really like it, and if you say you separate, you really don't love it.

Lu Churan still kept the text message of the breakup in the broken old mobile phone stuffed in the bottom of the cabinet. He remembered that when we broke up, he kept saying that he really didn't love him anymore, and then he didn't want to be with her again. The other party is unwilling to say a word, and even others will intercede for the other party and then blame him for his indifference.

But who would have known that every word he read that text message would make his heart hurt, his breathing would be difficult, and he couldn't help but shed tears at the end.

[Since this is the case, let's separate.I told myself before that if you didn't take the initiative to let go first, I would never leave you. I did it, I tried my best, but it was too painful, and you still have to let me go in the end.I don't want to be so humble anymore, and you didn't feel sorry for me when I made myself so miserable, but felt that I was self-willed and useless, and wanted to get me away from you forever, and just be yourself in a blink of an eye as if nothing had happened.Lu Churan, are you a cold-hearted little bastard?But no matter what, I am also very grateful for your care and company this year, goodbye. 】

Time passed unknowingly, Lu Churan came out of the kitchen holding a plate of steaming custard, and raised her eyes to meet the back of Ye Xi who was playing with her mobile phone.

"Ye Xi, go wash your hands and eat."

Ye Xi put the phone into his trouser pocket with a cry and went to wash his hands obediently. He helped Lu Churan set the table and chopsticks, looked at the custard on the table with a smile, and dug a big spoon for Lu Churan before he started eating.

Lu Churan couldn't help laughing as he looked at him digging up the rice, with a serious expression on his face, as if steamed custard was such a rare and rare food.

Ye Xi lowered his head and ate the rice. He felt that Lu Churan's gaze was always on him. He didn't dare to raise his eyes to look at him. The eyes can control his emotions, this feeling is really bad.

So he lowered his head and opened his cell phone, clicked on WeChat, tapped on Weibo, and checked his emails, and heard Lu Churan's voice coming from above his head, "Don't play with your phone when you eat, eat something else, don't just eat one kind of food .”

"...you're so annoying." Ye Xi muttered dissatisfiedly, pushed away the lock screen of the phone, and quickly put a piece of meat into his bowl.

Looking at him, Ji Er also found it funny, "Ye Xi, you are the first person I know besides Lu Yage and me who would say that Lu Churan is annoying. People used to hear me say that Lu Churan was annoying. People would be very surprised and ask me, 'Are we talking about the same Lu Churan? He doesn't care about people at all, how could he be annoying'."

Ye Xi felt panicked when he heard Ji Er's words, and he couldn't tell whether he was happy or hesitant, so he smiled and didn't respond.

He always thought that as long as he didn't open his mouth, no one would know the struggles in his heart. He didn't want to change his original life because of Lu Churan's appearance, but his thoughts were involuntarily swept away by him and flowed with him.

Unexpectedly, even an outsider like Qi Nian could see the flaws. Ye Xi felt unbelievable, but at the same time felt uneasy. He always felt that some real emotions were inadvertently leaked out, and even irrelevant people could perceive it. For someone like Ye Xi who is used to making fun of ambiguous hypocrisy, it is really absurd and ridiculous.

In fact, Qi Nian didn't see it that clearly, it was more guesswork and a little inaudible intuition.

He has been with Ye Xi before, Ye Xi is very kind to people, he is so gentle and considerate that he can't find faults, but he is too nice to people, he is too considerate and mature in doing things, like a bottomless deep pool, he can accept everything , always feel a bit complicated, easy to approach but daunting.

And people like Lu Churan seem lukewarm and difficult to approach, but in fact they have a simple mind. They really don't have any trivial thoughts in their hearts, so they are indifferent and don't show anything.

However, a male god is a male god after all, and after all, it is always a bit unattainable. I admire and look up, cautiously, uneasy, but I dare not expect to really have it, and it will not be a pity if I don’t get it, because I know very well in my heart. There are some distances that cannot be crossed no matter how hard you try.

But he looked at Ye Xi and Lu Churan's self-evident intimacy today, but he was not reconciled. He felt that such a rare person as Lu Churan should find someone who can complement him, Instead of letting that pure simplicity be stained by Ye Xi's sophistication and complexity.

So after much deliberation, he still felt that something was wrong, and Qi Nian couldn't help but click on Ye Xi's dialog box.

【Senior, what kind of relationship do you have with Mr. Lu? 】

Ye Xi replied quickly, 【What are you talking about. 】

A certain string in Qi Nian's heart seemed to be broken suddenly, 【I think senior cares about Mr. Lu very much. 】

Ye Xi said, [I have never been serious with anyone. 】

Qi Nian's tone was also a bit embarrassing, 【I thought the teacher would be an exception for you. 】

Ye Xi immediately put on a joking tone, 【The first night is gone, but the first love is still there. 】

[Can sex and love really be so clearly distinguished? 】Qi Nian was a little puzzled.

[Love is enough to be ambiguous. 】Ye Xi said this, and he had always believed in it, but now he felt a little guilty. He had never felt guilty when he was lying.

Qi Nian asked again, 【How does Teacher Lu feel about you? 】

[I don't know, he probably won't like people like me, so just be friends. 】After Ye Xi answered, he became more and more guilty, as if after telling the first lie, he wanted to use the second lie to cover up the first one, and then use the third lie to cover up the second one. I said a few sentences to make this sentence look more real, [What's so bad about having a friend with an annual salary of 40 yuan, my latest new project is also thanks to him. 】

Before going to sleep, Ye Xi flipped through this chat history, frowned and deleted it, put away the lock screen of the phone, lay flat on the bed and looked at the ceiling, and heard the sound of the air conditioner engine running.

He was stunned for a while, covering his face with his arms, suppressing the inexplicable throbbing palpitations in his heart.