The Swan Bay Murders

What more could I hope for?

The snow stopped and the house was moved.

Xu Zhao's house happens to be a two-bedroom house, and Brother Bai Chuan and I share one room.

It's new, strange, and cold here.

Brother Bai Chuan put the suitcase in the bedroom, and then came over to ask me what I wanted to pack.

He has also lost a lot of weight recently, because of poor rest, he also has dark circles under his eyes, and he is less energetic than when he first came.

"Put them all in the corner." I have no interest in anything, "I won't need them anyway."

This place is different from my home and hotel. It is a bit far from the city center. The community has just been built for two years, and the occupancy rate is very low. Standing by the window, looking around, the ground is covered with snow. We are from From the other side, there is no trace of a car passing by here.

Very quiet and very clean.

My heart, like this neighborhood, is empty.

I put the letter from Berlin in my pocket and carried it with me. It was filled with my disappointment and sadness for the world.

Other people's tomb of love may be marriage, but mine is this piece of letter paper.

Berlin's last letter shattered my trust in the world.

But the surprise is that when I read the letter, it seemed that I really shed all the tears that should have been shed, and the heart that should have been hurt was also broken. Now when I think of those words and words, it seems that they have nothing to do with me. Lonely spectator.

The corner of the envelope slightly exposed in the pocket reminds me that the letter is closely related to me, and it seems to ignite me at any time with its scorching temperature.

But I really don't feel it anymore, and now I am like a walking dead.

When Brother Bai Chuan stood next to me, I didn't notice at all. He handed me a cigarette and asked me, "Do you smoke?"

I took it and stared at it.

He lit a cigarette for me, and we stood side by side again, looking out the window, smoking together.

What a miracle, my lover died, and I became smoking friends with his brother.

I don't know what brother Bai Chuan is thinking now, and I don't want to look at him or ask him.

Everything will wait until I finish smoking this cigarette.

"The thing about Berlin..."

The man next to me suddenly spoke, my hand trembled, and the soot fell to the ground.

I can't hear that name, it's taboo in my life.

As long as I don't hear that person's name, I can live a good life, forget everything, and pretend that he never came or left, let alone betrayed.

It's evasion, I know.

But I can only do this for the time being, guilt, pain, regret, disappointment, these emotions are enough to destroy me.

I originally wanted to die with Berlin. Anyway, the person I love the most is no longer in this world. What's the point of leaving me alone.

But when I knew the real cause of his death, I couldn't do it.

In fact, I killed him indirectly. I can't escape this crime, and I don't want to hide it, but his betrayal is real, and I can't forgive him.

What he said to make amends, what he said to atone for sin, I remember every word in his letter clearly.

What's the use of saying that, the facts have already happened, he had sex with other people in our bed, this incident, just thinking about it makes me want to kill them myself.

So I can only escape, strip this part of my bad emotions from my body.

They left me, I don't know where to go, and then there is nothing left of my soul.

Empty, with a body, in the future, you can go wherever you like.

"Jiang Luo, what's the matter with you?" The person in front of me was a little anxious. I wanted to concentrate on listening to him, but I could only hear him calling my name loudly.

My name is Li Jiangluo, right?

The person who was played by fate since childhood.

"Jiang Luo!"

Before closing his eyes, he was calling me.

This person looks familiar, but we don't seem to be familiar with it.

I had a dream that was so real it made me vomit.

In the dream, I was only seven or eight years old, and I was alone at home during the summer vacation, and my mother coaxed me to sleep before going out.

When I woke up, it was already dark, and I seemed to have slept for a whole afternoon. At this moment, the room was dark and there were rustlings outside. I wondered if my mother had come back.

I opened the door and found that there was no one in the living room, and the sound came from Mom and Dad's bedroom.

I was hungry, so I went to my mother and wanted to eat.

But when I got to the door, the door of the bedroom was ajar, and through the gap, I saw a scene that shocked me enough.

My dad was lying naked on the bed with another man on top of him. The action between the two of them was too intense. They were immersed in things I couldn't understand, and they were uttering obscenities.

I was so shocked I couldn't move as I watched the man's genitals go back and forth inside my dad and he finally shot everything in my dad's face.

Then I threw up.

He vomited so faintly that he passed out to the side.

I was woken up by a nightmare.

Drenched in sweat, he sat on the bed and held his heart for a long time before he came back to his senses.

"Drink some hot water."

I heard a man's voice and turned my head to look. This man looked familiar, but I knew that we had only known each other for a few days.

Brother Bai Chuan put the water on the table beside the bed, with a cigarette still in his mouth, he raised his hand to wipe the sweat from my forehead and said, "The water heater has been plugged in for a while, you can take a shower later."

After he finished speaking, he went out: "My room is next door. Call me if you need anything. I'll go out to look at the house tomorrow. Are you okay at home?"

I shook my head, looking down at my hands.

There's nothing nice about my hands, it's just that I don't know where to look.

I didn't drink water, and I didn't take a bath.

I want to go see my mother.

The dream just now took me back to my childhood. In fact, I should remember that all men, including myself, cannot be trusted.

Berlin once asked me about my family, but I didn't say anything, because I didn't know what to say.

My dad cheated, and he was still with a man. My mom divorced when she found out. She must have been really stimulated at the time. I don’t know what happened after I passed out, but I never saw that again. man.

It was also from that time that my mother's spirit became a little abnormal, and I suddenly matured precociously.

The most obvious manifestation is that I will often think about my father and that man, and I feel disgusted by what they did.

That picture is always lingering in my mind, and every time I think of it, it is pain and suffering for me.

Later, my mother really went crazy.

She killed my dad with her own hands.

The family tragedy caused me to have an extremely gloomy personality. I don't like to be in contact with people, lest they ask about my past.

The exception is Berlin, who forced me to admit that I am completely gay, which I probably inherited from my goddamn dad.

I should have been miserable and sick about it, but since it was Berlin it was a beautiful thing.

But, it's a pity.

That's not a beautiful thing, it's just that I think the world is too beautiful.

I am the one who deserves to be teased. I have been a child wrapped in dark clouds from the sky since I was born.

My existence is to let people know that a person can be so funny.

A messy family, a messy love, and a messy self.

What is the purpose of my life?

I turned to look in the direction of the window, the thick curtains blocking the view outside.

I got off the bed, opened the curtains, and the orange street lights outside shone on the snow, looking peaceful and beautiful.

If only everything was as it "seems".

I look like a healthy person, and I look like a happy person.

My coat slipped off the sofa and the letter fell out.

I walked over, squatted down, picked up the envelope and looked at it, then sat on the ground.

I think I should be hungry.

It had been many hours since the last meal.

I took the letter out, tore it up bit by bit, and put the pieces in my mouth.

There is no taste, I don't know if it can satisfy my hunger.

Suddenly someone knocked on the door, and I raised my eyes to look in the direction of the door.

The other party opened the door and came in, holding a bowl of fried rice with eggs in his hand.

He looked at me a little strangely, as if looking at a mental patient.

"Jiang Luo!" He walked over quickly, put the bowl aside, and snatched the pieces from my hand.

I hate him a little bit, Berlin only left me this letter, and he still wants to snatch it from me.

"Li Jiangluo! Are you crazy!" He yelled at me, his eyes were red, as if he was going to be mad at me soon.

I looked at him first, then let go of my hand, the pieces of paper were scattered on the ground, I spit out the pieces in my mouth, stood up with the sofa next to me and said: "You are crazy."

I took a sip of water and swallowed a crumb stuck in my mouth.

"Li Jiangluo," the man standing behind him paused and continued, "How can I make you feel better?"

I took a deep breath, turned around, and frowned. I found that the other party was also frowning like me, as if the sky had fallen.

"Actually, it's what I should do to make you feel better." I said, "Brother Bai Chuan, I'm the one who hurt your brother."

"His death has nothing to do with you."

"I killed him!" I yelled at him until my throat hurt, "You don't know, it was really my fault."

I hesitated, not knowing how to tell my story.

He didn't say anything else, he picked up the bowl and walked over: "Eat first, we'll talk about the rest later."

I didn't answer, and lowered my hands and head. In just a few seconds, I seemed to replay the scene when I told Berlin about my illness in my mind.

At that time, the sun was dazzling, but it was not as bright as the man in front of me.

The world is his foil, and I am willing to bow my head and surrender.

But even so, the cruel reality still caught me off guard.

The past is gone, but the old saying will be repeated.

I said, "I'm sick and can't have sex with Berlin, so, do you understand why he's sick?"