The Swan Bay Murders

Jiang Luo:

I love you.

It is the late night of October 10th, and you are sleeping soundly at this moment, and I can't take my eyes off of you.

But I dare not watch it again, I am afraid that watching you again will make me change the decision I made so hard.

Do you remember our first meeting?You just went to college, wearing a black woolen coat with horn buttons. It snowed heavily that day. After the meeting, you put your hands in your pockets, carried a backpack and left quickly with your head down.

At that time, I thought you should be a difficult person, lacking interest in everything, but I didn't understand why such a person would come to join the club activities.

I am very curious about you, your unique temperament is very attractive to me.

It's just that I didn't expect that you and I are the same kind, so we wasted the best time in the four years of college.

Fortunately, people who are destined to be together will never be separated no matter what.

After graduating from university, I was studying and working at the same time. In my second year of work, I met you at the door of the office building next door.

You must not remember what you looked like at that time, but I remember clearly.

It was also the moment I saw you that I believed that there really was such a person in the world, and when he appeared, the whole world became a foil.

At that moment, in my eyes, this colorful world is your foil.

You are still in the crowd so quietly, as if all the hustle and bustle in the world has nothing to do with you, you also saw me, first surprised and then smiled at me.

I identified you that day, thinking that I would chase you no matter what.

How many times have I confessed to you, have you counted it?I no longer remember.

Because I have been politely rejected, I even started to give up the idea of ​​being with you. It's not that I don't love you anymore, but that you really don't love me.

A twisted melon is not sweet, I said this sentence to myself every day at that time, and then persuaded myself to give up.

But every time I see you, I still want to try again, thinking maybe you will agree next time.

Fortunately, my persistence was not in vain. When you held my hand, I couldn't react for a long time, and I was still waiting for your rejection in the same way.

Thinking about it now, I was really stupid at that time, but I was so happy.

It would be great if there was regret medicine in the world. If there is, I might be sleeping with you in my arms right now.

Jiang Luo, do you believe it? I really only love you. I hope you will still believe this sentence after reading this letter.

I regret it so much that I decided to end my life, because I can't face you again. When I think of your sad and disappointed eyes in the future, I feel so sad.

It turns out that the most terrible thing in life is losing. I have a hunch that I will lose you soon.

I must be dead when you read this letter, I deserve it, please don't cry.

I didn't fulfill my promise at the beginning, and I dare not ask for your forgiveness, nor dare to take chances to surround you again.

I am afraid of too many things. I am afraid that you will find out what I have done, that you will question me, and that you will leave me. It is better to leave before you find out and before you hate me so much. In this way, I've been your boyfriend all my life.

Jiang Luo, would it be ridiculous if I said sorry?

But I'm really sorry for you...

I had sex with someone, someone from nowhere.

I went to drink with my colleagues that day, from KTV to the bar.

I don't want to talk about drunk sex because I know I'm not drunk, that's just an excuse I tried to use to quibble after you found out, I just couldn't stand the temptation because of the needs of my body.

Colleagues played their own games, and I drank alone.

You were on a business trip that day, and you should be on the plane at that time, while I brought someone else home.

It was the first time, and I regretted it after I finished it.

After you came back from a business trip, you found that there was a sheet missing at home. I just made an excuse to prevaricate it. You have no doubts, but in fact, it was because I was soiled. Looking at the sheet covered with sinful sweat and semen, I Can't wait to die immediately.

I threw it away, it was proof that I was wrong.

I thought this kind of thing would never happen again, at least, I didn't allow myself to do it again.

As much as I love you, I regret as much. I long for an eraser every day, which can wipe away the disgusting marks on my body.

However, I overestimated myself too much.

Later, I had a relationship with that person again.

Yes, more than once, I didn't even know his full name.

In this way, after I shamelessly made continuous mistakes, I was finally punished.

In those few days, I continued to have a fever. You were so anxious that you urged me to go to the hospital for examination.I got up at night to take my temperature, and I couldn't sleep well all night.

I really don't dare to think about it anymore, Jiang Luo, do you hate me?

I know it's cruel to you, but I'm going to say it anyway, I'm being selfish and I want to feel better before I die.

Jiang Luo, I know that I made a hole in your heart. I can't make up for you in this life. If people really have an afterlife, I'm willing to do everything for you.

I owe you, I am really sorry for you.

Probably because my previous life was too smooth, and I didn't know what to do when I encountered such a thing.

I'm not going to get better, Jiang Luo, no one can tell how long the incubation period of this disease will be, everyone is different, I never thought that I would get sick just after being infected for more than half a year.

I still want to spend more time with you, I want to see you more, but in the end, I dare not even hug you.

I must die, for the ugly grim Reaper has knocked at the door.

This home, from an empty house to its present warm appearance, was built by us together.

Forgive me for not wanting to leave here, forgive me for insisting on dying here.

This is my home and yours, I can't die by your side, but please let my soul stay here a little longer.

It's raining outside, pattering, and it's a bit cold in the room. I just went to the bedroom and tucked you under the quilt.

You sleep so cute, I want to kiss you, but I dare not.

I couldn't even kiss you when I wasn't sick, let alone now.

Jiang Luo, to be honest, the most regrettable thing in my life is probably not being able to kiss you properly.

I don't mean to blame you, it's just that I love you so much, but I find that I can never really have you.

It's not you who's sick, it's me.

I'm sick not only physically, but mentally as well.

I am a bad person, a complete bad person, I broke your fantasy of a beautiful love, and left so irresponsibly.

I am kneeling here and writing to you now, not asking for your forgiveness, I just want you to know that I am really sorry.

However, no matter what was said, it was of no avail.

I just hope you can be well after I die, don't cry, because I don't deserve your tears.

Also, maybe my death will not be so pretty. I am trying to find a way to make my death more painful. This is also my punishment for myself. I should be hacked into pieces. difficulty.

I haven't figured out what to do, I don't want to scare you deliberately, I just want to atone for my sin.

Redeem my pain.

There may be a lot of blood, let me take one last capricious gamble.

Do you know what my bet is?

You know that, right.

Jiang Luo, I love you, can you trust me?

Fate only gave me one way, but you have two.

If I win the bet, you may follow me one day, then in the next life or in the Underworld, I am willing to give you my flesh and blood, and you can punish me however you want.

But if I lose the bet, please, live a good life, you can hate me, you can forget me, but don't let yourself stand in the shadows and refuse to come out again, I don't deserve you.

I really hate myself, why can't love overcome that shameful desire.

Jiang Luo, I miss you so much, even though you are sleeping not far from me, I still miss you.

I can't seem to touch you no matter what, your breath is so light, I have to hold my breath to feel your breath.

I really want to hug you, I really want to wake you up and kiss you desperately.

I love you so much, but I...

Damn it, it's all my fault.

I want to find a knife and carve your name on my chest, but it will bleed, so not now.

Jiang Luo, if you see my dead body, remember to unbutton me and take a look.

Tomorrow, before I die, you and I will be together.

love you berlin

January 2016, 10 29:01