do not want to reincarnate

Exhaling deeply, I walked to the mall, sat and thought all night.

I said that sometimes I was very cruel and cruel to myself. I didn’t go to work, bought a steamed stuffed bun and walked back, hesitated for a while downstairs in the community, and he suddenly appeared and hugged me tightly.

That lost-and-found tone, haggard face, red eyes, sweaty smell from the dirty white shirt, stubble stuck on my neck.

Regardless of the people around him, he hugged me and rubbed against my neck, saying sorry over and over again.

My chest is full of depression and a little sweet, this man, he loves me.When did I see him in such a mess, when did I see him hugging so disregarding others, I showed my emotions.

At that time, I heard the voice of people passing by pointing, I don't care, what I care about is him who cares about me.

Going home with him, he told me not to be afraid, he would not let me be wronged, yes, he did.

When his mother saw me, her eyes widened and she seemed to be in disbelief. She cried and pointed at us and scolded us. I stood next to him, and he held my hand very tightly, very tightly.

Sad, there must be some, pressure, some, tired, yes, very tired, I couldn't bear to pull out my hand, but he held it even harder.

I don't blame his mother, and I have no rights, let alone qualifications.

His mother scolded him for beating him, saying that raising him was for nothing, that he was studying for nothing, that his girlfriend didn't want to hang out with a man, no wonder she didn't go home, no wonder she always said that she was busy with work, it turned out she was with a man, and others knew that she would No matter how you look at it, you will laugh at it. This is a shame. You let our family gain a foothold in the future. When we go out, others point out that the son of this family has sex with men. There is something wrong with it. That is a pervert!

One after another howled close to madness, pierced me like a knife, and I cried uncomfortably.

She said, "You still have the face to cry. I told you to leave my son with a good voice. If you come back, you are such a despicable man..."

With a roar of "Mom!!!", he interrupted his mother's words to humiliate me, and his mother couldn't believe it and started beating and scolding him again.

I don't remember how he and I walked out of the house at that time. I was in a trance, and I followed wherever he led me. I was shaking a little, and I couldn't control it but I didn't know why it happened.

I got a room in the hotel, sat in his arms for the first time and I didn't have any emotions, listening to what he said to me, he said that we can go to other cities, away from our family, and let me not give up on him.

I can feel the sadness in his heart and the pain and entanglement of being incomprehensible. If I said that I had seen through it at the time, I would have known that I would be separated sooner or later, but his words convinced me that I would give him a chance and at the same time give myself a chance.

If you want to struggle together, can you really let go of your family?

No, you can't.

We stayed in the hotel for four days. During the four days, I felt that he talked less to me. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I saw him standing at the window smoking a cigarette. For no reason, I felt a sense of sadness in my heart.

He always touches my face, with an obsessive expression, he seems to want to look carefully at every part, and occasionally violently scratches me when he's having sex, I know he's very depressed, he doesn't want to tell me, he doesn't know that as his The person next to the pillow, how could I not feel it.

Back downstairs in the community, he said, "Shall we move? To that kind of residential building."

When I moved to a residential building, the rent was reduced by half. One bedroom and one living room were air-conditioned, and the kitchen was next to the bathroom.

He is even busier. He is always still in front of the computer when he comes back from get off work. He said he would earn more money and travel with me. He hasn’t traveled with me for more than two years.

I knew he was lying, but then we did travel and quit our jobs to travel with him. During that time, I was very happy. He was responsive to me, and he knew how to spoil me, saying "wife" and "baby"

It was as if his mother's quarrel had never happened, but the bumps were still there.

Holding hands with him, strolling by the sea, in the fields, is very happy.

At that time, I really wanted to be happy forever like this, but it was impossible.

When we got back, we started looking for work, and the trip cost him a lot of his savings.

My mother called me and told me that several electronics factories in my town were recruiting people, and told me to go back, and I happened to find a girl from a neighboring village to fall in love with and get married.

I didn't go back, I told him about it, he asked me if I want to get married?

I said no.

The first time he asked me if I wanted to be on it, I was very surprised, he has always been very machismo, and thought that the one I was bearing was his wife, but that day he took the initiative to lie down and let me fuck him.

I was stunned, but before I touched the place where he could hold me, he suddenly rolled over and pressed me down.

He said, "Do you want to go back? Are you looking for a woman to marry?!"

He left marks on my body like crazy, making it look like a strong?Damn, no matter what I say, no matter how I explain it, he just insists that I want to go back.

After that time, he became very aggressive and always got angry at me for no reason.

One day I went to the mall with him and met my colleague, we said a few words, and when we got back he questioned me and smashed the fish tank in front of me.

The two little goldfish fluttered pitifully on the ground, and finally they couldn't move. I thought they had no strength, and only the gills trembled.

It feels like me and him, longing for free love, like fish longing for water.

I hugged my knees and stared at the fish in a daze. After a while, he hugged me and apologized. He said he was too afraid of losing me.

I know, I know, so I don't blame you.

When I was 28 years old, on my birthday, he gave me a notebook, and he said, "Read it when we get old."

I said, "Okay, let's see when we get old."

On August [-]th, he listened to the phone calls from home, every time he called from home this year, he was like this, depressed and unhappy for several days.

That time he yelled at the phone: "I told you not to talk about him! He is my lover! ... If you want to die, okay, I'll die! I'll die for you to see!"

He dropped his cell phone, I went up and hugged him slowly, trying to comfort him, he cried, buried his head in my neck crying, which made my heart ache.

I think, we are indeed wrong, happy?Happy, we are very happy together, but also very painful.

One side is the parents who gave birth to oneself and the other side is the one he loves.

I looked at the window, this is the sixth floor, the wind blew the curtains, and I hummed the song "Who the hell do you love", so sad that I couldn't stop my tears.

Something seemed to draw me from the window, to jump, to jump, to make him guilty, to make them all guilty.

No, you can't jump, don't embarrass him, don't put more pressure on him.

I closed the curtains like crazy and hid in the bed, and there was another voice that made me suffocate, almost suffocate, you see him in so much pain, your existence will make him break with his family, nothing will happen if you die Yes, he still loves you.

I screamed to get rid of this weird phenomenon, I shouted that I can't, I can't die, I have a family I care about, and I want to live just for my parents.

I want to vent my emotions, I just want that voice not to force me, don't force me, I just want to cut my hand lightly, really lightly, I don't want to die.

When I think back, I was terrified. I was a demon at the time. He just came back from the outside, snatched the knife from my hand, and held my hand trembling.

He was afraid, and I was also afraid when I came to my senses. I told him that there was a ghost, that there was a ghost in my body, and he kept comforting me.

I don't believe that I have a mental problem that I need to see a doctor. I know that I may be in a bad mood and a bit depressed. I haven't thought about suicide.

He didn't mention the word "doctor" again. He always called me seven or eight times a day, asking what I was doing. After that, I never saw him talk to his family on the phone.

It was the winter near the end of the year. Half a month ago, he said that something happened at home and he had to go back, but he didn’t tell me what happened. Later I found out that his father was injured in the hospital and didn’t wake up for a few days.

After he came back, he always looked at me, reminding me of the time his mother came a year ago, he also looked at me so obsessively.

I asked him: "What's wrong with you? Why do you keep looking at me?"

He said, "See if you have changed over time."

I asked him, "So what did you see change?"

He said: "I'm thin, so you can't eat well when I'm not here?"

I said, "It's up to you to say that you're exalting yourself."

He smiled and kissed me.

After ML that night, he said, "Let's break up."

In the silent night, looking outside through the window sill, there are no stars, I lay on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and finally heard this sentence from his mouth, but I didn't want to answer.

He seemed to know the answer, but he didn't seem to know. He stroked my back again and again, reminding me of the days when he was not by my side. I always knew that he talked a lot, but I didn't know that he talked so much.

I don't remember how I fell asleep and woke up. After waking up, he seemed to return to the way he was before, and said to me with a smile: "Slacker, get up and eat breakfast."

I saw the suitcase packed on the side, which was mine, and he said, "You go home first, I have to do something here."

I nodded blankly, I didn't know what emotions I should have, hurriedly went through the resignation procedures, and lay on the sofa with him to enjoy the last time we spent together.

No one spoke, it was useless to talk too much, it hurt from the chest to the throat, the terrible voice came out again, I told myself, it’s no big deal, it’s good for us to separate, we still love each other isn't it?It was obvious that he had no choice but to do so.

I didn't ask him what happened at home, and he didn't say anything. Early the next morning, he took me to the station, watched me get on the train, and waved to me, which meant "goodbye".

As long as the train starts, we will really be separated. From then on, I can't see him, I can't touch him, and he can't hug me again. I don't know what he is doing, what he has done, whether he is happy or happy, alone , so lonely.

I greedily watched his figure getting smaller and smaller, and finally disappeared, I broke down and cried.

Goodbye, my love.