do not want to reincarnate

Life is like this living with rice, oil, salt, soy sauce, vinegar and tea. Before I came, the kitchen in his house was always empty. I like to cook by myself. After I came, I started to fill up the refrigerator and went to the supermarket to fight for a generation of rice.

In the morning, I can only sleep for 1 minute, but he always has nothing to do with me. He gets up to cook breakfast, and he can’t eat in the company cafeteria at noon. Sometimes I will go to him and sit and chat with him standing under the shade of a tree.

I get off work late at night, at ten o'clock, he will wait for me when he is working overtime, and pick me up when he is not working overtime, sit on the back of his bicycle, hug his waist, even the cold evening breeze is refreshing.

I like this feeling, I like leaning on his broad back, I like to hear his breathing when riding uphill, and I like to feel everything flying by in front of me.

It was raining that day, and he stood by the door when he left the bookstore. There were few people on the road in rainy days, and even if there were people, he would not waste time looking at passers-by.

I put my arms around his waist and walked close to his body. He put his arms around my shoulders. The umbrella always slipped past me after I pushed it straight. The sound of dripping rain splashed small raindrops from the ground .

The sweetness of love is no longer being lonely alone, no matter what you do, you can always think of him, and you don’t even realize that you love to laugh so much. Every day, you look forward to getting off work, looking forward to talking with him, and the time when your skin is close to you.

Sometimes we would hold hands quietly on the street, give each other a quick kiss when no one was looking, and laugh and play on the grass.

He taught me many things, taught me how to eat western food, taught me computer, taught me...

I remember when I ate Western food for the first time, I couldn’t get my hands on a knife and fork, and I was so embarrassed that I wanted to find a hole to get in. He smiled and said that he didn’t know how to do it at first.

Holding hands with him and skating, I was dizzy when he was holding my waist, but he laughed. I went to the playground with him. It was my first time to go, but I was not interested in those things at all. I was even afraid. Being dragged by him to ride a roller coaster, I was in a bad mood when I got off, and I spit out tears when I was dizzy.

That time when I was angry, no matter how humble he was to coax me, he just ignored him, and I was just angry for a while, and then I was angry at myself and ashamed.

I went to a haunted house adventure with him again, and the days with him were so happy and sweet that I forgot many emotions, and even my long-term depressed heart seemed to be healing, but that haunted house adventure aroused my deepest dream again magic.

I went to bed at night, woke up in the middle of the night, my chest was pounding, he wanted to hug me to comfort me as usual, I subconsciously pushed him away, and I told him not to touch me in fear.

He turned on the light with a "snap!", no longer worried as before, looked at me indifferently, didn't care about my eyes, didn't care about my words, he looked at me very indifferently, at that time, many thoughts popped up in my heart , I know that the self-abased, depressed and desperate me who was oppressed by the sweetness of love to the deepest part of my heart is back, and I even have the sad and ridiculous psychology of being betrayed and deceived and laughing at myself. I hugged my knees and wanted to hide myself.

He asked me: "It's been so long, you still don't want to tell me anything? Do you know what you're talking about in your sleep? Do you really like me? I won't force you to do things you don't want to do, I can Wait, I thought I would let you open your heart and accept me, everyone has a past, why can't you let it go, everything you have experienced is already in the past..."

He said, "Accept me, okay? I'm your lover, and I won't hurt you."

I looked at him, it was that face, that stupid person who gave me all the money because he knocked me down, the person who always cared about me but didn't realize that he was already in love with me in his heart, would hold me in circles and give When I cook breakfast, I will carry me back for a few hours because I am shameless. I will be careful because I don’t want to make me feel inferior. I will gently coax me when I wake up from a nightmare... I am angry and point at me. I can’t say a word and press me down. Dear my dizzy lover!

Yeah, why don't I try to accept him physically and mentally, the days with him, after being helped out by his irresistible hand for the first time, I would occasionally comfort each other, every time I felt hot and shy, the first time The first time I touched his baby, I was shocked, and I didn't know what to do, which made him laugh and say to comfort him like I comforted myself, and it was limited to this.

I love him, yes, love!I am willing to do the last step for him.He kissed me, stroking... my body, I knew he was appeasing my fear, my heart was beating fast, and I hugged his neck tightly with my hands, constantly reminding myself that this is my lover, my beloved people.

The place where I was kissed was crisp, crisp, numb, and numb, which made me want to vent. I wanted to hug him in a trance.

That kind of skin is so close, it seems that the soul is full of feeling, every collision hits the depths of the soul and entangles with him.

Colleagues always tease me and blind their eyes with a sweet face, and ask me who my girlfriend is, but I ignore their teasing, what kind of girlfriend is that boyfriend.

He always looks up some messy things on the Internet, knowing that a man Cheng Huan is somewhat harmful to the body, he shamelessly asks the doctor, I am so angry that I don't want to know him.

I don’t know the shameful prodigal stuff. When I buy ointment, I buy the most expensive one. If I buy it, he always pulls me along. He said that the doctor has never seen anything. I went to the doctor and saw someone prescribe the right medicine, so I slapped him a lot.

He is just like the big men showing off their wives, always tossing things on me, he wants to buy me shoes, the color he likes, he wants to buy me clothes, he wants to wear couple clothes, and no one will see them inside. , Bought me a bunch of hand guards and skin care products, but he didn't use anything himself. I saw that pile of things, if I didn't feel sorry for the money, I would smash him to death.

Prodigal man, if you earn that little money, you will know how to spend it. I am not a woman, what skin care products I use, I really don’t know what stupid web pages he has read.

He has a special love for my strange hands, and sometimes wonders if he has changed his core, where is that stupid person back then?

I always rebel against him I am a man too!man!man!Put away your cautious movements, put away your behavior of sending flowers and sending something weird!If you have money, save it for me. When I don’t have you, I will carry boxes and loads of hundreds of catties, go home and go to the mountains and fields, and I will be fine with more than 100 catties of rice on my back!Being with you, being oppressed by you doesn't mean I have to take care of you and rely on you!

I was so angry that I wanted to quarrel with him many times, but he put him on the bed and suppressed him. He said, "You are a man, and you are my love."

After repeated failures in "revolts", I finally didn't bother to talk to him, and my life was like this occasionally yelling, plain and warm.

Now, how much I want to go back to the days when I was with him at that time, how much I want to think about the life he was still with me, how much I want to freeze the time at that time, how much I want to live in such a plain, warm and satisfying way, but, we Neither has the right to decide the future, just like, we don't know what will happen in the next moment, and what other people think in their hearts.

I have been with him for more than two years, and it is another summer. I am 27 years old and he is 29 years old.

That day, I went to the supermarket to buy vegetables as usual, thinking about making soup for him to nourish him. He came back from a business trip a few days ago and went to work again, looking at me with distress.

Back at the door of the house, there was a lady standing at the door, whose appearance a bit like him made my heart skip a beat. I asked her who she was looking for with a nervous heart.

Unexpectedly, she didn't answer me, and looked at me in shock, and then hurriedly took out the mobile phone from the bag, as if comparing me with something, I had a bad premonition in my heart.

Being with him is very happy, but I know very well that our relationship will not be recognized. Even though it is sweet, it makes me feel uneasy. It feels like the beauty secretly given to me by God in order not to make me despair. Take it back.

Today, it is still here.

That's his mother, the bloody plot in TV drama novels actually happened to me, an ordinary person, but unfortunately there is no check.

I don't know how his mother found out about our relationship, but I found out later that someone told his mother about it, and the evidence is quite sufficient.

I listened silently, and my heart felt cold when I heard it, and I was uncomfortable and depressed when I heard it, and I was angry and wanted to ask why!

I know I can't because the other party is his mother.

My family knows how sad my relationship with him will be, have I ever thought about my family?Even if my family doesn't care, have I ever thought about him?

Is it really unreasonable for two men?

But we obviously didn't do anything harmful, we cooperated so well together, why couldn't we?

The cooperation of men and women can produce children and carry on the family line. It is shameless for a man to be with a man. I don't think for myself, but for him!

But why? !I didn't understand, and I didn't want to understand. I rushed out the door with tears on my face, no matter what the lady behind me was humiliating me again.

On the street where people come and go, who will really look at me, you can know the pain in my heart, I want to find him, but what's the use of looking for him, who will he choose, his parents or me?Will he abandon his parents because of me?Even if he could, I wouldn't want him to.

I am a sad person. God is punishing me by letting me live. I heard that having a bed, food, and family harmony is happiness, but I am not happy.

Why does God let me live and give me depression, I see it too clearly, what's the point of living?Everyday hard work is ridiculous and sad in the end, I am like a bystander who cannot tolerate this world, I am like a ghost, looking for another death, my heart is dead, my body is still alive.

I feel sad when I see my mother's skinny face, I feel sad when I see her bargaining for a few cents, rushing to help others plow the fields in sub-zero temperatures, my heart hurts, I am not afraid of being tired or suffering, I work hard, I just want to live a good life at home, which is the pillar of my life.

And he is like my heart, filling my body, making my coagulated blood flow and warm my whole body, now let me give my heart back, so that I will never touch him again, how painful is it?It was a heart-wrenching pain.

Leave me beauty, but I have to take it back, I have given me a heart and my flesh and blood, and I have to pull away. In a trance, I came to the bridge suspended high by the river, and the vehicle passed the bridge shaking, just like My human consciousness is shaking as well.

Rivers, rivers, is your water warm?Will it warm me up like him?

No, even if you are warm it is not his body temperature, not his breath.

But, you're leaving him, you won't be able to see him if you leave him, his mother said he's going back to get married, will find a woman, have a child, what are you?What are you a man?You are perverted, you know?His mother said that you are a pervert and you need to see a psychiatrist!

No, it's not a pervert, I know I will leave him sooner or later, I know, I understand, but I'm so uncomfortable, you know, from the stomach to the chest, I'm so uncomfortable, I'm uncomfortable, the air is oppressive Yes, Jianghe, Jianghe, do you think your river water will make me feel better?can you?

It won't be uncomfortable, come on, jump off, don't make it difficult for him, just let him think you are missing, let him hate his mother, she is the one who forced you to death, jump off.

No!I can't do this, my parents will be sad when I die, his mother is just for his own good, it's really not good for us to do this, you see, men and women can hold hands and go shopping, and he and I will be looked down upon, it's me, it's me Too selfish and too sensitive.

Yes, it's me, it's my fault.

I thought a lot, and I calmed down, why did he want to commit suicide because of what his mother said?I'm so ridiculous, how big the world is, I haven't been to many places, colorful streets, I walk without purpose.

hungry?Then be hungry, if you are not in the mood to eat, if you bump into someone, then go ahead, because those people will swear at you anyway.

go back?Impossible to go back.

The phone rang until it ran out of battery, and I knew that when he saw his mother, his mother would tell him that she couldn't be with me, but she would never humiliate him with words that humiliated me, because that was her son.

Sit on the side of the square, watch the auntie dancing in the square dance, watch the children laughing and making noise, watch couples show their love...

My heart sank, and I even laughed. As midnight fell, there were only a few couples wandering around in the square that had been frolicking.I think they may be secretly dating behind the back of their families, I think they may be looking for romance, in short, no one pays attention to me, even if there is, it is just an indifferent glance.

At this time in the past, he and I would watch TV on the bed, maybe he found some messy things to show me, he can no longer annoy me, and he might be doing something shameful, but tonight, he and I are confused our future.

what is he doing?Will he go home and get married as his mother said?

It was late at night, and those couples walked away holding hands one after another. I looked at the streets of this city blankly, where should I go?

Several laughing young men passed by me and stopped in front of me. I thought I was too much like a beggar?Someone actually gave me money.

A young man handed me 200 yuan and said, "Brother, it's not safe to sit here alone at night, go find a hotel to stay."

I looked up in a daze, my age was about the same as me, and I was dressed very fashionable, I didn't answer, I said I was rich.

I was stuffed with 200 yuan, and I heard them lament about running away from home and being innocent and so on that didn't meet their age.

I thought of the young supervisor whom I still owed 500 yuan, my smiling classmate who liked to dress up, and my lover who slept with his arms around me.