under the filth

In less than ten minutes, Tang Cen drank only half of a bottle of wine.With a full glass of wine, Tang Cen raised his head and drank it in one gulp, so fast that Eisen felt that what he was drinking was not wine, but just plain water.

Tang Cen had already drunk a lot tonight, but Eisen didn't stop him.So many things happened during this period that even he felt tired, not to mention Tang Cen, and Tang Cen had hidden a lot of things in his heart, far more than what he said in the hospital. into hysterical madness.

If drinking can make him feel better, then a little indulgence is not a bad thing, so even though the doctor told Tang Cen not to indulge in drinking anymore at noon, Eisen didn't really stop him once tonight.What's more, it was not easy for Tang Cen to quit smoking and drinking. Even if Tang Cen didn't smoke in front of Eisen, Eisen could still smell a faint smell of smoke from him occasionally.Tang Cen has always smoked light cigarettes, which can leave a smell on his body, and he doesn't know how many cigarettes he has smoked.

He smoked a lot and drank a lot. On the way back, Eisen also thought about how to get Tang Centi to quit smoking and drinking. He thought of hundreds of excuses, but Tang Cen just showed a little that he wanted to talk to him. Meaning, Eisen immediately swallowed those words back into his stomach.

Looking at Tang Cen's distracted eyes, Eisen even had the idea of ​​saying something routine, but he knew that if he did this, after Tang Cen regained consciousness, he might never say these things to himself again.

It was easy for Tang Cen to get drunk. After drinking half a bottle of wine, he could already feel the familiar feeling of being paralyzed by alcohol.

Licking the liquid from his lips, Tang Cen squeezed the thin nipple of the wine glass and shook the remaining wine in the glass, "Do you know the feeling of alcohol and nicotine paralyzing the nerves? It's the feeling of floating in the air without moving your body. The feeling of falling."

When his mind was not so clear-headed, Tang Cen would occasionally say something that was usually difficult to say.

The dark purple liquid flowed down the wall of the cup, rolled onto the white gauze, and fainted a few deep purple watermarks on it.It was completely dark, and the overhead light in the room was already on. The light fell on Tang Cen's eyes, reflecting the light of the stars.

Eisen stared into his eyes, saw the expectation in his eyes, shook his head, "No."

He couldn't remember how long it had been since he saw such an expression on Tang Cen's face, and he never thought that it would reappear under such circumstances in the end.

From leaving the UK to meeting again more than a month ago, Tang Cen's state is no longer haggard. He looks like a smear of ashes left by the flames, losing his original bright colors. I can't see the original appearance, it becomes gray and fragile, and it will disperse when the wind blows gently.

"Do these make you happy?" The bandage on Tang Cen's hand, which was damp with water vapor, was a little damp, and it became more mottled after being stained with wine. Eisen grabbed his hand and took off the bandage.

There is no light in Tang Cen's eyes anymore, and it will only be short-lived when he is drunk. If this is Tang Cen's only pleasure now, Eisen wants to keep Tang Cen's right to short-term happiness as much as possible.

Tang Cen touched the scabbed wound on his hand and shook his head slightly, "No, but it's more effective than taking sleeping pills, at least you won't have nightmares."

"I don't need to worry about anything when I'm drunk, and I don't need to think about how I will live tomorrow. I can even do what I want to do but dare not do." Tang Cen held Eisen's hand instead, rubbing his fingertips "Like now, if I'm still awake, I wouldn't dare to tell you anything."

"You can take it seriously, or you can take it as my nonsense, it's up to you." These words sounded very free and easy, but Tang Cen's expression on his face was so sad that he was about to cry.

Eisen couldn't tell whether he was really drunk, or whether he was paralyzing himself with alcohol, but no matter what it was, Tang Cen couldn't really be as indifferent as he showed, he cared very much, otherwise he wouldn't He will be afraid of being abandoned and hold his hand tightly, not daring to let go.

Seeing that Eisen didn't break free from his hand, the fear and anxiety in Tang Cen's heart were suddenly dispelled at that moment.He pulled out a vine that was entangled in a mess around his heart, grabbed the branch of the vine, and tore off the root of the vine together with the rotten flesh wrapped around the vine, and the foul-smelling pus and blood flowed out from the wound .

"I just met Lu Sheng, and I was really happy when I was with him. At that time, I still had a family, friends, and people who liked me."

Going on a date with Lu Sheng and having afternoon tea with that young American couple in college was indeed one of the few happy moments in Tang Cen's life.Although he is still suffering from his own mental problems, he can still pretend to be a normal person, and Jiang Yan, the only one who knows, has not committed suicide yet. Although the road to the end is rough, there is still hope.

The young and innocent Tang Cen never imagined that what greeted him after going through that bumpy road was not a dark will, but a deep abyss.

Tang Cen sniffed, and said with a trembling voice, "Can you imagine? My father called me a 'mentally ill' and locked me up at home. No one talked to me, and I didn't know what was going on outside. , I can only take medicine when I can’t bear it, and I keep taking medicine.”

"Although Lu Sheng didn't say anything, he must have complaints in his heart, otherwise he wouldn't...he didn't mention breaking up, maybe he was afraid that something would happen to me, after all, I committed suicide before." Tang Cen looked up With the chandelier above his head, his expression was a little dazed, "I used to think that Lu Sheng cared more about me than Tang Songyuan, but when the evidence of his cheating was in front of me, I realized that it was just me being self-indulgent."

Whether it was because of the little love left, or the responsibility imposed on Lu Sheng by his mentally ill lover, or because of other reasons, Lu Sheng did not take the initiative to break up when Tang Cen was seriously ill.But also because of this, their feelings for each other are constantly being worn away, and finally there is only an ugly shell left.

But this is not the fault of Lu Sheng alone, after all, he was the first to conceal his illness.

Tang Cen knew that he was a selfish person, obviously he used Lu Sheng first, but now he portrayed himself as a victim, trying to repeat the old trick in front of Eisen.This clumsy acting skill can be exposed at a glance, but Eisen believed it, and the expression on his face clearly said so.

"You should also know by now, what happened to me in the past, and what kind of person I am." He suddenly sneered, and laughed at himself: "I can't die even if I live like this, I can still live like this." Is it a person?"

Eisen took a deep breath, not knowing what to say for a while.Tang Cen always attributed all the faults to himself, but he did not impose these pains on himself, and he never let himself down. He tried to save himself and worked hard to blend in with the crowd, but the root problems But he couldn't solve it, so when he was slowly recovering, those closest people would always stab him severely.

No wonder Tang Cen felt insecure, no wonder he didn't trust others.In his father's eyes, the pain that he shouldn't have suffered has all become his fault.

Eisen knew that not everyone would be kind to the children connected with his blood. Some people abandoned their wives and children, and some abused their flesh and blood. He once thought that this was far away from him, but he never thought that the person he wanted to hold in his hands would always be Live in a cold-blooded family.

In fact, Tang Cen has always carried the fickleness inherited from Tang Songyuan in his bones, and it is fundamentally different from Tang Songyuan's indifference.Tang Songyuan only loves himself, and only cares about the reputation of himself and his family. Tang Cen carefully protects the people around him from being hurt by him, but he never treats himself kindly.

"Tang Cen, just be yourself. You don't need to impose the mistakes made by others on yourself. Those mistakes and punishments have nothing to do with you." Aisen gently pushed Tang Cen's hand away and hugged him In his arms, he patted his back and comforted him: "Now they are gone, you can live the life you want."

The skin was intact, but the inside was rotting and smelly. The wound was dug open, and even the brain paralyzed by alcohol felt a burst of dull pain.After the pus and blood drained away, there was only a bloody hole left in the place that had been eroded by the roots of the vines, and the biting cold wind gushed in.

Tang Cen lay on Aisen's shoulders, he instinctively didn't like to get too close to Aisen, but now the warm smell on Aisen's body and the movement of patting his back soothed his emotions that were almost out of control, he Suddenly he didn't want to push Eisen away, and wanted to be hugged like this all the time.

"No, I haven't thought about how I should live my life at all." His vision was blurred by tears, Tang Cen simply buried his head on Aisen's shoulder, and the tears also rubbed on Aisen's clothes, but Tang Cen I don't care anymore, anyway, he has seen himself going crazy, and there is nothing wrong with crying now.

"I have never planned my own life. I live as my father wants me to live. It was the same when I was with Lu Sheng. I did whatever he wanted. They all have their own ideas. But I just follow behind them."

When Tang Cen was still babbling, Tang Songyuan had already planned his life until he got married and had children.Confined in rules and regulations since he was a child, Tang Cen also thought about how to live a life that does not follow Tang Songyuan's ideas during the rebellious period, but he only thought about it.

Perhaps because he inherited the docile personality of his mother whom he had never met, Tang Cen, who was unable to move even under the heavy pressure, did not have the slightest thought of resistance.

If there is no Lu Sheng, Tang Cen will live as Tang Songyuan wants. He may still be sick, but he will not resist, and Tang Songyuan will not sever ties with him because of this. He can also deceive himself and tell himself that as long as he survives When Tang Songyuan died, he was freed.

However, now that Tang Songyuan is not dead and Lu Sheng is not here, it stands to reason that he has been liberated, but he still cannot see his future.

Following Tang Songyuan when he was young, and Lu Sheng when he grew up, Tang Cen didn't have much thought about his life.Even if he regained his freedom now, he never thought about how to live his life in the future.

"I don't know how I should live, what my life should be like." Tang Cen let out a long breath, his fingers holding Eisen's shoulder trembled slightly, his voice trembled and choked, "I even... ..don't even know why I'm alive..."

Eisen gave him a smooth hand and put it lightly on his back.He rubbed the top of Tang Cen's hair, and said slowly: "They are not here now, and will not interfere with your life anymore."

"I do not know either."

But these words fell into Tang Cen's ears, making him feel more and more that his life was a joke.He always gets what he once longed for when he doesn't need it, whether it's freedom or tolerant love, he doesn't need it anymore, but it's all given to him again.

What's the use of getting more if you miss the most needed time?

"I don't care anymore. I thought about wandering alone in a foreign country until my death, so I came here." Tang Cen broke free from Aisen's embrace, staring at him with bloodshot eyes, "But you appeared again .”

From England to France, Eisen not only looks like he can't get rid of a piece of brown sugar, but also is quite greedy and self-sentimental, making various decisions in his own words.

"What's your plan? Tell me, no matter what you want." Tang Cen didn't believe that Eisen treated him like he said, and stayed here because he loved him.He'd rather believe that Eisen did it to get something from him, and it sounded more realistic.

Tang Cen knew that in his current state it would be difficult to leave him ruthlessly, and Eisen had thoroughly penetrated into every detail of his life.But he couldn't accept everything Eisen gave without feeling guilty, unless Eisen, like him, wanted something from him.