under the filth

From the moment Tang Cen stood up, he kept turning back and forth in the room, so irritable that he lost the slightest sense of reason, so the second after Eisen finished speaking, he yelled without any surprise: "I'm sick. Don't you know!"

"You don't know how those medicines came from!"

Eisen didn't care how ugly Tang Cen's words were, but when he heard Tang Cen mentioning the medicine, he thumped in his heart, and immediately became cold: "Are you taking medicine again?"

Tang Cen couldn't control his emotions, and couldn't hear what he said clearly. He just felt sick when he saw Aisen sitting here, looking at him with concerned and worried eyes.

"Don't look at me like that."

Why are you looking at him like that?Why did you come to pester him even though you knew he was mentally ill?

Tang Cen turned his back to Eisen, and bit the tip of his tongue where Eisen couldn't see, trying to use the pain to make his voice not tremble so much: "I don't need your sympathy."

He didn't need pity from someone who watched his pain.

I was yelled at for no reason, but the other party was someone I liked, and I knew about his condition, and I had hurt him once before, so Eisen was reluctant to speak harshly to Tang Cen again.

Thinking of Tang Cen starting to take medicine again, Aisen couldn't help but slow down his tone: "I don't sympathize with you, I just...just..."

"Just what?" Tang Cen didn't know what Eisen was thinking, so he retorted unceremoniously, "What else have you done besides going to bed?"

Eisen was dumbfounded, he didn't know that he was such a person in Tang Cen's eyes: "Didn't I tell you to take you out to relax?"

However, Tang Cen sneered mercilessly: "Forget it, I can do it alone."

He didn't know why he obviously hated Eisen, obviously didn't like to be with him, didn't want to be in contact with him, but still went to bed with him, and now he still accused him like a victim.

Tang Cen felt that what he was doing now was like...becoming a (bitch) bitch and setting up a chastity archway.

But so what, he felt he was at fault, but he couldn't help himself.

No matter how dull Eisen was, he could tell that something was wrong with Tang Cen. He didn't know what happened to Tang Cen during his absence, but he clearly watched Tang Cen getting closer to the kitchen. At this time, it was only two or three steps away.

Although Tang Cen didn't use the kitchen very much, there were all kinds of kitchen utensils in the kitchen, and a few shiny knives were neatly placed on the knife holder of the stove.

Thinking of the scar on his wrist, Eisen curled up his fingers, and his nails made traces on his palm.

Ordinary people can feel the clear and strong pain just by cutting their fingers with a knife, so how can Tang Cen do it?What did he go through to cut off his wrist with a knife?

Just imagining that scene, Eisen felt short of breath.

Under Tang Cen's indifferent eyes, Eisen stood up abruptly, grabbed Tang Cen's shoulders and pushed him against the wall, suppressing his anger and said, "You mean you don't need me at all?"

He wasn't angry because Tang Cen lost his temper at him, he was only angry because Tang Cen hurt himself for that scumbag Lu Sheng.

"I don't need it!" Tang Cen sneered, and asked each word with a pause, "Who are you to me?"

Eisen was stunned, he never expected Tang Cen to say such a thing.

who are you to me

It turned out that for so long, the so-called "association" was all his own wishful thinking, and Tang Cen had never accepted him.Tang Cen drew a circle around him. Eisen didn't know who else was in the circle, but he had never been able to step in, nor was Tang Cen drawn in the circle.

He met Tang Cen's eyes and saw the ferocious bloodshot eyes, and the medicine bottle he saw in Tang Cen's bedside table flashed through his mind.

He was sick, always been sick, something he'd known a long time ago, but he still couldn't help him.

"I just... hope to share a little for you."

Tang Cen tried to break away the hand that was holding his shoulder, and when he heard his words, his hand stopped moving: "Why should I vent on you what I can't bear?"

Eisen was taken aback, as if he understood something.

yeah why?

Eisen had no way to answer Tang Cen, he tried to understand Tang Cen, but from the beginning to the end, he was no different from others, standing on a high place, pointing at Tang Cen condescendingly.

What he wanted was not the same as what Tang Cen wanted. He was just imposing his own ideas on Tang Cen.

The hand holding Tang Cen was also slowly released, and Eisen said in a slow tone: "Tang Cen, no one can be strong enough to face this kind of thing alone, why can't you rely on me more?"

Eisen never asked what happened to Tang Cen and Lu Sheng before, but the shadow was always hanging over Tang Cen, forcing him to have nowhere to escape.

Feeling that the strength exerted on his shoulders disappeared, Tang Cen took a step back and put his whole body weight on the cabinet behind him. His elbows supported the edge of the cabinet, and his raised hand blocked his movement at this time. expression.

He knew from the very beginning that in this endless entanglement, Eisen was tough and would not give him any room to refuse.

But he didn't expect to be pushed to the brink of collapse like he is now.

Anger came and went quickly, but the emotions also collapsed the moment the anger dissipated. Guilt and strong self-loathing clogged Tang Cen's chest, making him breathless.

Eisen stood in front of him, looking at him silently.

After a long time, Tang Cen said in a trembling voice, "I dare not."

He really didn't dare, didn't dare to bet on anyone again, and to make such a gamble that had no chance of winning.Such a gamble was unfair from the very beginning, the other person participating in this gamble was the winner from beginning to end, and he would only be the loser.

The last time he put all his bets on Lu Sheng, he lost everything in the end, and fled to France in embarrassment, living in such a place.Such a tragic experience made the current Tang Cen not dare to bet on Eisen, even if it was just a little bit, even if the final result might not be as bad as he imagined, he would not dare to take such a risk again.

There will always be people who say they can understand his feelings and understand his situation, but can anyone really understand this feeling?

What doesn't exist, empathy doesn't exist at all.

If you vent your negative emotions on another person, even if that person knows the reason, it is impossible to fully empathize with them. It just increases troubles for no reason and wears down the other person's feelings a little bit.

Alcoholism, smoking, gastritis, and nightmares are just side effects of drugs. Tang Cen knows that people like him will be hurt no matter what they do. Talking can hurt, even keeping silent can hurt. ①

Tang Cen has endured the pain caused by words, he can't bear to bring such troubles to Eisen or anyone else, and no one is obliged to bear it for him, his pain has always been his own business, No one is obliged not to hurt him.

But everyone can get pleasure from hurting him, because watching others suffer is always a pleasure without any responsibility.

No one can really love him, and he doesn't deserve to love anyone.

Just like the knife marks on Tang Cen's wrists that were too faint to be seen without leaving any traces, the pain left by the knife cutting the muscles and tendons was always cutting the nerves and stinging his brain.

His body slid down the cabinet little by little, and Tang Cen curled up on the ground with his legs bent. He didn't know what his face looked like now, but it must be extremely ugly.

Invisible threads were tightly wound around Tang Cen's body, manipulating his body, eating away at his spirit bit by bit, and sending him to his end.

Eisen squatted in front of him, reaching out to touch his slightly trembling back, but stopped in mid-air because of what Tang Cen said next.

"I don't want to be seen as a joke anymore, or scolded by people poking my spine."

Obviously being the same person and living in this world, Tang Cen didn't understand why he lived a more difficult and painful life than others.

"Don't pester me anymore, let me be alone for a while." Suppressing the bitterness and pain in his throat, Tang Cen begged tremblingly, "Please."

Eisen has seen Tang Cen look embarrassed and vulnerable, and he has also seen him angry. Even now, without exception, he armed himself with sharp spikes and drove away all those who tried to approach him.

The Tang Cen in memory was not like this.

In the past, Tang Cen carefully concealed his illness, and the disguised appearance always made Aisen have the illusion that he had never been sick. Now seeing him venting his emotions, Aisen felt that this should be Tang Cen's real appearance.

It's just that the way he curled up on the ground in pain after venting made Eisen feel mixed.

So humble that even the pain is cautious.

The world always laughs that his illness is caused by himself, but who would want to live like this, suffering and restless all his life.

If you can't help him, don't hurt him anymore.

"...Okay." Eisen withdrew his hand, stood up slowly, pushed the door and left without looking back.

Hearing the sound of the door lock closing, Tang Cen curled up in the corner as before, and remained silent for a long time.

Rather than saying that he knew this would be the result, it would be better to say that he hoped for this result.

From the moment Eisen said he liked him, he couldn't wait to expose his shortcomings, show him all his ugly sides, want him to retreat, and want to see how much he likes him, and want to ask Does he like it even though his true face is like this?

Tang Cen tried time and time again to wear down Eisen's emotions, squandering his liking unscrupulously, even though he had no feeling for this man at all.

Then he left.

He walked away without looking back.

But what is he sad about?

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①Inspiration comes from the words of friends.