under the filth

The mental hospital was quieter than any other hospital Tang Cen had been to. There was no pungent smell of disinfectant, nor the sharp cries and wailing he had imagined. The entire hospital was depressingly quiet.

Tang Cen stood in the hall. The nurses at the hospital saw his distress. After asking about the situation, the nurses got his appointment number and completed other procedures for him.Tang Cen went upstairs in the direction pointed by the nurse and entered the waiting room.

In fact, many patients in the mental hospital looked like normal people, and no one in the waiting room cried hysterically.If it weren't for standing here, Tang Cen could hardly imagine that they had been suffering from mental illness.

Just like other people can't see his abnormality.

The greatest loneliness in Tang Cen's life so far is not his true thoughts that no one understands, nor is he living in a daze mechanically, but facing his own illness alone in a mental hospital.

He was the only one on the bench in the waiting room, no one else.

Sitting alone on a hospital bench, looking at the numbers on the display board at intervals, Tang Cen suddenly felt unprecedented fear.He rubbed his hands uneasily, the palms were not warm at all, and the warmth from Lu Sheng holding his hands in the morning had dissipated completely by now.

Tang Cen regretted not letting Lu Sheng come with him, but he didn't want Lu Sheng to see his embarrassed side.

He thought he was not afraid and could face all this alone.

"Click——" The sound of the door being opened interrupted Tang Cen's self-pity.From the opened door of the consulting room, he saw a boy with a mushroom head came out of it.The boy sat down on the bench in front of Tang Cen, holding a piece of paper in his hand. Tang Cen guessed from the trembling of the paper that it should be the boy's medical certificate.

With his back turned to him, Tang Cen looked at the slightly shrugged shoulders, heard the suppressed sobs, took a deep breath, and took out a tissue from his bag.He leaned out, patted the boy on the shoulder, and handed him the tissue.

The young man turned his head in panic, took out a tissue with trembling hands, thanked Tang Cen vaguely in a low voice, and quickly left the waiting room.

Before entering the consultation room, Tang Cen repeatedly described his condition in his mind countless times, and every symptom and every thought was clearly listed in his mind, but when he actually entered the consultation room, facing the kind-faced doctor, Tang Cen trembled Lips, unable to utter a word.

Tang Cen struggled for a long time. Under the calm gaze of the doctor, he took out his mobile phone and silently typed lines in the memo.

He handed the phone to the doctor, who took it and looked at it carefully, then raised his head in surprise and asked, "Didn't you check it before?"

Tang Cen stared at his toes and replied, "No."

"Tap-tap--" The doctor tapped the keyboard a few times quickly, and with the sound of the printer running, he handed two pieces of paper to Tang Cen: "Let's make a measurement chart."

"Thank you, doctor." Tang Cen took the two thin sheets of paper, bowed to thank the doctor, and then quickly left the consulting room.

Facing the sign, Tang Cen found the psychological measurement room.He knocked on the edge of the door. The doctor inside was talking to a young lady. Hearing the knock, he just took the paper slip from his hand and raised his hand to signal him to wait.

Tang Cen stood at the door, looking at a boy who looked no more than fifteen or sixteen years old sitting on the seat closest to him. The boy's blue eyes were also staring at him without blinking.The two looked at each other calmly, but there was no communication in their eyes.

The doctor in the measurement room finished his conversation with the lady. Seeing that Tang Cen was still standing by the door, he called softly, "Mr. Tang?"

Hearing the sound, Tang Cen raised his head, watched the doctor walk to the boy's side, and pointed to the empty seat beside him: "Sit here."

The lady was talking to the boy, but the boy's eyes no longer fell on Tang Cen.Tang Cen sized him up again before sitting on the soft chair next to him.

The doctor stood behind him, held the mouse and clicked a few times on the computer, and brought up two measurement forms: "HAMA and SDS measurement forms, let me know when you're done."

Tang Cen nodded, put his hand on the mouse, and did not move for a long time.It wasn't until Tang Cen saw the boy and his wife beside him get up and leave that Tang Cen moved the mouse and ticked off the meter.

"Nervousness, fatigue, tremors, feeling restless, waking up, nightmares" - "3"

"Weakness, tingling all over" - "2"

"Blurred vision, memory, attention deficit" - "3"①

"I have hope for the future" - "3"

"I feel like I'm useful and needed" - "3"

"My life is very interesting" - "4"②

…………

It's one thing to know you're sick, but quite another to actually get a medical certificate.

When Tang Cen came out of the consultation room for the second time, he actually got the medical certificate in his hand, with four words clearly printed in black and white on it: Moderate anxiety (moderate anxiety) and Moderate depression (moderate depression).

Looking at the string of unfamiliar words listed on the medical certificate, Tang Cen didn't have any surprises or sadness in his heart, what was just calm and relieved.

Yes, as expected.Tang Cen folded up the medical certificate in the corner, and carefully stuffed it together with the medicine box into the bag where it was not easy to be seen by others.

When Tang Cen returned home, Lu Sheng hadn't returned yet.He returned to his room and took out the medicine box and medical certificate from his bag. Tang Cen carefully pressed the medical certificate to the bottom of the drawer before opening those medicine boxes and pouring out the instructions inside.

The instruction manual is very long, and it is full of a series of side effects that may occur after taking the medicine.Tang Cen felt annoyed after looking at the big and small attack probabilities, he randomly stuffed the instructions into the medicine box, hid the medicine box in the box with the scratch paper, and then threw all the pills into the drawer inside.

The moment Tang Cen closed the drawer, there was the sound of a key turning outside the door.Tang Cen got up and walked to the bedroom door, and saw Lu Sheng who had just returned from outside holding two books.

Lu Sheng struggled to pull out the key from the lock, and when he turned around, he saw Tang Cen standing by the door and looking at him.He asked in surprise, "You came back so early?"

Tang Cen nodded, without saying a word, his reaction was surprisingly cold.

"Where did you go? Your complexion looks bad." Lu Sheng looked Tang Cen's complexion back and forth, and finally touched the back of his head, and said with some embarrassment, "Lily said that she is going to go shopping in the city tomorrow. sleep."

"Okay." Tang Cen went back to the room after saying that, and closed the door behind him.

Seeing the door close before his eyes, Lu Sheng shrugged helplessly, and went back to his room.

After running around for a day and wandering around in the hospital for so long, Tang Cen returned to his own small space and felt exhausted after relaxing.

If Lu Sheng hadn't reminded him, Tang Cen would have forgotten about going out tomorrow.After thinking about it, he took out one of the boards of pills, peeled off the tinfoil film, and poured the pills into the palm of his hand.

The pale yellow pill lay quietly in the palm of his hand. Tang Cen looked at it, then at the water glass on the table, his throat moved up and down...

"Heh—" Tang Cen woke up from the dream gasping for breath, and the blurry scenery in front of him slowly focused into a familiar arrangement.Putting the back of his hand on his forehead, Tang Cen touched his heart, the organs in his chest were throbbing violently.

Sitting up slowly, Tang Cen touched his forehead and back. There was no fever or cold sweat, but the temperature was a little low and it felt cool to the touch.

After Tang Cen took the medicine last night, he went to wash and rest. According to his usual schedule, he shouldn't be like this.He couldn't sleep well all night, so it wasn't a nightmare, but Tang Cen felt that he couldn't breathe out of his chest all night in his sleep, and his whole body was cold.

Tang Cen sat on the bed for a while, it was still early, he lay on his knees, but he couldn't fall asleep no matter what.

Tang Cen lifted the quilt and got out of bed after his heart beat slowly returned to normal frequency.He dragged out the cardboard box containing the medicine box from under the bed, found the medicine box corresponding to the pills from memory, and pulled out the instructions from the box with trembling hands.

Tang Cen spread the instruction manual on the bed, pointing with trembling fingers to compare the side effects written on it.

Tang Cen, who was sitting on the ground, froze for two seconds when he saw the item "Sleep Disorder". Then he randomly grabbed the instruction manual, staring at the long list of descriptions behind him.The intense dream had a great impact on his fragile nerves, and Tang Cen's hands scratched deep folds on the paper.

Even though he knew there would be side effects, Tang Cen never read the instructions carefully before taking the medicine, and he didn't know that the side effects would be so obvious on him.

He dug out the other manuals and read them again. Finally, when Lu Sheng knocked on the door, Tang Cen feebly pushed the carton back under the bed.

"Mr. Tang, have you read the instructions for the medicine?" After a week, Tang Cen went to the hospital again and explained the situation to the doctor, but the doctor asked such a question instead.

The doctor pointed his fingers on the keyboard, but his eyes were extremely serious: "It is normal to have side effects, and the side effects will not disappear immediately after stopping the drug, so I do not recommend that you stop the drug at will."

"I know." After the side effects appeared that morning, Tang Cen carefully read the instructions several times, and the dense side effects on them made his scalp tingle.

The doctor obviously didn't believe Tang Cen's words, so he asked again, "How do you usually sleep?"

"It's okay." Tang Cen hadn't taken any medicine since he woke up suddenly that morning. Although he didn't sleep well after that, he fell asleep anyway.

The doctor looked up at him again: "Where's your appetite?"

Tang Cen was a little guilty when he looked at him, and he said: "No...not very good."

The doctor raised his hand and typed a few characters on the keyboard. After saving the electronic drug list, he handed the card to Tang Cen: "I have re-prescribed the medicine, and I must take the medicine on time."

Tang Cen took the card, and stroked the smooth edge of the card with his fingers: "Okay."

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①HAMA所有项目采用0～4分的5级评分法，各级的标准为：0分无症状；1分轻；2分中等；3分重；4分极重。

②SDS所有项目采用1～4分的4级评分法，各级的标准为：正向评分题，依次评为1、2、3、4分；反向评分题则评为4、3、2、1。