under the filth

After receiving the new medicine prescribed by the doctor, Tang Cen's first reaction was to read the instruction manual after suffering. But when he saw the densely packed words on it, he felt his stomach churn.

Although Tang Cen only took one of the three different medicines before, thinking of the side effects of paroxetine hydrochloride made Tang Cen break out in a cold sweat.

There were no substantive dreams that night, but Tang Cen subconsciously felt as if someone had driven a nail into his heart, and the piercing pain was tearing at his heart.After he finally got rid of the pain, his body fell into endless weightlessness as if he had been thrown from a high altitude but did not fall to the ground.

He opened his mouth and wanted to roar loudly, trying to wake himself up from the dream, but his throat and tongue were dry and itchy, and he couldn't make a single sound.

Finally, when Tang Cen in the dream was slammed to the ground, he was freed from the endless weightlessness and woke up from the nightmare.He was still lying on the bed, but his muscles and joints were aching, as if he had been thrown to the ground.

That feeling was really terrible. No matter whether Tang Cen went to the hospital or took medicine, he just wanted to cure his illness before it deteriorated to the point where it could not be cured.But he had to live with side effects for at least a week before the drug worked.

Tang Cen hesitated for a long time, but in the end he didn't take any more medicine.Those pills lay quietly in his drawer for a year and a half, until Tang Cen threw them into the trash can when he moved.

Drugs for the treatment of mental illness have different side effects for each person. Cases like Tang Cen's are rare. The most common symptoms of taking paroxetine hydrochloride are dry mouth and nausea, but they are not obvious in Tang Cen.

Tang Cen didn't know if this situation was considered bad, but the illness had already made him uncomfortable enough.He did not expect that the medicine would not relieve his condition immediately, but would aggravate his physical and mental discomfort.

He didn't know what to expect in a week when the drug started to work, but he didn't want to struggle with the intense dreams, the feeling of being in shock wasn't much better than restlessness.

However, stopping the drug hastily would also cause side effects. Fortunately, Tang Cen only took one tablet. Apart from the anxiety that lasted all day, he didn't experience any other discomfort.

There is such a precedent that when Tang Cen got duloxetine hydrochloride, he did not follow the doctor's advice to take the medicine like the first time.

He hesitated for many days, searching for "duloxetine" and "duloxetine side effects" over and over again on the Internet.Seeing the shocking results in front of him, Tang Cen wanted to tear up the medical certificate several times and throw all the medicines into the trash can.

Until that day, when he was wandering the forum, he received the last call from Jiang Yan.

In the two years since they resumed contact, Jiang Yan only made one voice call to Tang Cen, and after that time, they only kept in touch by sending a few intermittent messages every now and then.Later, before Jiang Yan jumped down, she made the voice call again.

Tang Cen pressed the answer button almost the second the phone rang, but the moment he pressed it, he felt an inexplicable chill spreading from his heart.

Before he had time to say hello, he heard Jiang Yan's unusually hoarse voice: "Tang Cen, I'm sorry."

That "I'm sorry" made Tang Cen's heart skip a beat, and he hurriedly asked, "Jiang Yan? What's wrong with you?"

But after asking, Tang Cen heard the howling wind from the receiver.He was sick, and he had similar thoughts. The moment he heard the wind, he couldn't help thinking about the worst: "Where are you?"

"Tang Cen, everyone said that the heights are extremely cold, but the scenery on the heights is indeed more beautiful." Although Jiang Yan's voice was hoarse, it was exceptionally calm.

"I'm sorry." She kept apologizing to Tang Cen, "I don't want to give you too much negative emotion, but I couldn't restrain myself and made you like this. I'm sorry."

Tang Cen could almost imagine where Jiang Yan was standing and talking to him now, and his tears couldn't be restrained from welling up.

The cold night wind from above seemed to blow along the phone, sweeping Tang Cen's body.He trembled all over, and said to Jiang Yan almost beggingly: "No! Jiang Yan, you did nothing wrong! I beg you...don't be impulsive..."

"Don't cry, Tang Cen, I won't feel at ease when I leave." Jiang Yan chuckled, as if she was just discussing with Tang Cen whether the clothes hanging in the shop window fit or not.

"Don't...Jiang Yan, I beg you, okay? Please..." In the past, Tang Cen would not beg Jiang Yan in such a low voice, even if Jiang Yan jumped off in front of him, he would not frown .But ever since he was forced to take this path, he felt a kind of sympathy for Jiang Yan.

Seeing Jiang Yan choose death now, Tang Cen suddenly wondered if he had a future.If everyone ends up like this, then what's the point of struggling now.

There was a sigh between the howling wind from the receiver, and Jiang Yan said helplessly, "Tang Cen, don't cry for someone who is not worthy, I am not worthy of you. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be what you are now. Like this."

Tang Cen never blamed Jiang Yan, but Jiang Yan took all the faults on herself.Tang Cen didn't know what forced Jiang Yan to choose death suddenly, but he didn't want to cause Jiang Yan any guilt because of himself.

"No! Jiang Yan, listen to me!" Tang Cen tried to explain to her, but Jiang Yan blocked all his words afterwards.

"Tang Cen, you have someone who can accompany you, but I don't." Jiang Yan's voice was broken by the wind, "That man should really like you. When you can't hold on, maybe you can rely on him."

Tang Cen knelt on the ground, his trembling hands could barely hold the phone.

He wanted to persuade her not to be impulsive, think about her parents, think about unfinished things, unfulfilled goals, think about it...but he couldn't say such irresponsible words.

Would it be better to think about these things?

No, it won't, it will only get worse.

The future may be better, but the present is so bad that it is unbearable. If he has to endure endless torture for an uncertain future, he will not choose to continue living.

"I don't want to die yet, but I can't hold on anymore. The things I love can no longer support me to face the things I fear."

It takes a lifetime of courage to live, but it takes only a moment of courage to jump.

"I don't want to live alone anymore. This kind of world is not worth it at all." Jiang Yan seemed to have climbed up somewhere, her voice fluctuated from near to far, Tang Cen couldn't hear it clearly.

"Jiang Yan!" Tang Cen knew that what he said would be a waste of words, but he still couldn't help it, "I'm sorry." He apologized for his past disdain and discrimination, and also for his powerlessness.

Jiang Yan smiled, her voice tinged with a bleak smile: "What nonsense are you talking about?"

"I am very happy that there is someone who can say goodbye in the end, thank you, Tang Cen." It is really a very painful and ironic thing that parents have no friends to understand themselves, but Jiang Yan is happy for this.

Two thin water marks were left on the pale skin, and the hot tears hit the ground, splashing a few small water droplets.

She said, "I'm leaving, goodbye."

Before the words fell, Feng Sheng and Jiang Yan's voices disappeared completely in an instant.When Tang Cen took the phone away, the screen went completely dark and never turned on again.

There are people who can laugh out loud and say, "Fuck life," and then break free from the previous one and start a new one.Many people in this society are like this, struggling to get out of the quagmire after complaining.

There are also some people who can take a chic leap and rush to the carnival of freedom through death.

But there are also some people who step into it and sink deeper and deeper step by step, and finally sink into the quagmire of depression, turning into waste under the filth.

Tang Cen chose to struggle and live without expectation, while Jiang Yan chose to be free.

Jiang Yan died, just like what Tang Cen said when visiting the grave, without warning, she jumped from the top of the tallest teaching building in the university one night, and fell into a pool of pulpy flesh.

Tang Cen still doesn't know why Jiang Yan chose to die that night.He checked and found that the ordinary university where Jiang Yan was studying did not have any big news, and all the news was tightly blocked.

The only thing he knew was the news that "Jiang Yan died".

Similarly, no one came to Tang Cen because of Jiang Yan's death. Sometimes Tang Cen even felt that that night was just a real and terrible nightmare he had.

Tang Cen didn't tell Lu Sheng about it, and he didn't mention it to Eisen afterwards.The death of a high school classmate became the only filthy place in his heart where the sun did not shine. The secret was buried in the mud, slowly rotting and emitting a stench.

Except for Tang Cen, no one had ever smelled it.

Tang Cen spent the night in a daze. He didn't remember how many tears he shed hiding under the quilt that night, and he didn't know how he fell asleep in the end. He only remembered that the bone-chilling cold spread from his heart to his whole body. When I woke up the next day, I felt cold and stiff all over.

For a moment, Tang Cen thought about it, but it was only for that moment.

Tang Cen swallowed the first pill with great difficulty when he saw the sentence on the forum, "It's okay not to take the medicine. Taking the medicine has side effects, and stopping the medicine also has side effects. medicine.

If Jiang Yan wanted him to live, then he would live, at least he still had some motivation to live.

But no one could have imagined that a top student like Tang Cen looks glamorous on the surface, but secretly swallows messy small pills every day, endures various side effects, and pretends to be a normal person as if nothing had happened.

It's good, at least I'm still alive. ① Tang Cen couldn't help thinking this every time he suppressed his nausea and swallowed the pills.

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①Original words: Contemporary college students appear to be glamorous and sculpted in sand, but in fact they swallow colorful pills behind their backs every day and endure all kinds of side effects, and they are still alive.