under the filth

For a long time after that night, Tang Cen did not receive any news from Jiang Yan.Tang Cen didn't hear Jiang Yan's name again until he got an offer from the University of Bath and returned to China to attend a class reunion.

At the dinner table of the teacher appreciation banquet, Tang Cen's seat was next to the people at the front and rear tables.The girl at the front desk happened to be sitting on his left side. She patted his shoulder and greeted him familiarly: "Tang Cen! You're back!"

Tang Cen's eyes turned around the dining table, but he couldn't find Jiang Yan's figure. When he heard someone calling from the side, he only responded perfunctorily: "Yes."

"Who are you looking for? Everyone is here today." The girl saw that Tang Cen seemed to be looking for someone, and followed him to look around.

When Tang Cen heard this, he immediately sat back down. He lowered his voice and asked, "Everyone is here? Where's Jiang Yan?"

"Jiang Yan?" The girl asked him in surprise, then sneered again, "Why call her?"

Tang Cen heard the disdain in her tone, and frowned: "What's wrong with her?"

"It's okay, the squad leader called, and she said she won't come if she's not free." The girl waved her hand, obviously unwilling to bring up Jiang Yan's matter.

Tang Cen wanted to continue asking, but the boy sitting on the right obviously heard their conversation, and interrupted with a playful smile: "Are you talking about Jiang Yan? Tang Cen, when did you and Jiang Yan get along so well?"

The probing and laughing eyes fell on Tang Cen's face, which made him feel uncomfortable, and he replied foolishly, "So we are at the same table, so just ask."

There is nothing wrong with such a reason. Tang Cen has been abroad for so long, and he doesn't know much about what happened in the next year or so. The two of them didn't think there was anything wrong with his reason.It's just that they have too much prejudice against Jiang Yan, and Tang Cen always finds it harsh when they say it.

"Everyone said that she probably did too badly in the exam. She felt that it would be embarrassing to come, so she made excuses not to come." The boy made no secret of his disdain for Jiang Yan, or Jiang Yan was too indifferent to bear. Others who are under high pressure feel unbalanced.

Hearing them mention Jiang Yan, the classmates sitting next to them couldn't help but pick up the conversation: "As far as she was in her third year of high school, the teachers said that she would at most go to a secondary school."

"She doesn't know what she's doing all day long, and she doesn't study. It's normal to fail the exam."

Tang Cen thought of Jiang Yan's heartless smile in the second half of his sophomore year, and the news he received that day, and said absent-mindedly, "Oh really..."

"Forget it, don't mention those old sesame seeds and rotten millet after you graduate." The monitor brought the topic to Tang Cen, "Tang Cen, where are you going?"

"University of Bath." If it wasn't because he left so suddenly back then and didn't say goodbye to his former classmates, Tang Cen would not have thought of attending this smoky teacher appreciation banquet now.

Tang Cen heard the exaggerated compliments from others, but Jiang Yan's voice echoed in his ears.He felt that the people in front of him were very strange, no matter whether Jiang Yan was present or not, these people did not hide their ugly faces.

"Her personality isn't too bad, and sometimes she's very enthusiastic, but I feel like she doesn't have any friends around her." Tang Cen tilted his head, his thin hair covered half of his face, He Xiu I couldn't see his expression clearly, but I could hear the regret in his tone.

Tang Cen's voice echoed in the silent ward: "She doesn't seem to fit into the small circle of girls, and she doesn't like to associate with boys, and she doesn't fit in with the whole class."

"Out of place", He Xiu also heard this word from another person, and that person was talking about Tang Cen in front of him.

Thinking of that friend who had passed away for a long time, He Xiu bit his lower lip, and restrained his emotions before speaking: "Did you guys contact me again later?"

"Yes." From time to time, most of the time Jiang Yan took the initiative to find him, complaining about trivial things.It's just that after Tang Cen met Lu Sheng, facing Lu Sheng's pursuit, Tang Cen, who was at a loss, also began to ask Jiang Yan for help.

"I remember you went to the hospital once in your sophomore year, and it was also at that time that you were diagnosed with illness." He Xiu looked into Tang Cen's eyes, and rubbed the deep and shallow needle holes on the back of his hand with his fingertips, "That's also because of ginger Yeon?"

He had already revealed too much about Jiang Yan to He Xiu, and now that the illness was involved, Tang Cen did not deny it again: "She sent me to see a doctor."

"Why?" Among the information given by Tang Qian, what He Xiu couldn't understand the most was why Tang Cen went to the hospital suddenly. Even with Jiang Yan's presence, there was something unreasonable.

However, Tang Cen's answer once again exceeded He Xiu's expectations: "I think... I should go and have a look, so I went."

From the very beginning, Tang Cen noticed something strange about himself.

Studying alone in a foreign country, and enduring the pressure brought by Tang Songyuan and Jiang Yan, Tang Cen is like a drowning person, struggling constantly, just to breathe the fresh air above the water.

On the night of talking on the phone with Jiang Yan, the pain from the unhealed wound on his waist and abdomen tore Tang Cen's nerves bit by bit, eating away at his distress and confusion.

From then on, Tang Cen gradually discovered that it seemed that only a weak labor pain could keep him rational.He knew he was acting like a suicide addict who felt his heart beating alive from the constant suicides, but he was still sane enough to be addicted to wrist slitting.

Every once in a while, when the previous wound was about to heal, Tang Cen would stay in the bathroom for half an hour and cut a new wound on his left wrist or elbow.

But even though he kept trying to cut his wrists, Tang Cen always just hoped to live a more sober life amidst the pain.He cut a shallow incision on his hand with a razor blade, and then washed the wound with cold water until the wound was numb by the cold water and no longer oozes blood.

Through the thin fabric, Tang Cen touched the place where the tape was stuck, and pressed down slowly and firmly with his fingertips.Bursts of tingling pain passed through the nerves and spread from the wrist to the cerebral cortex. Tang Cen raised his head and took a deep breath.

At the moment when he felt the pain, Tang Cen felt his body lighten instantly, and all the confusion and suppressed emotions were torn from him.All the recurring wounds on his arms eventually faded away with time.

But after the pain becomes addicted, new problems still inevitably arise.

To Tang Cen, the sobriety gained from the pain only delayed his mental collapse.

Tang Cen soberly accepted all of Lu Sheng's flattery, restrained his feelings during the communication with Jiang Yan, and repeated mechanical learning according to Tang Songyuan's instructions.He tried to get his life back on track, but Jiang Yan had already flipped the switch, and his future and ending were going in another unpredictable direction.

Half a year after Lu Sheng started pursuing Tang Cen, that little bit of pain gradually couldn't satisfy Tang Cen's needs.Even though wounds continued to increase on his wrists, Tang Cen's consciousness was chaotic, just like the first half year he had just arrived at the University of Bath.

Although every day is step-by-step, but he can't even remember his own words and deeds. Only when someone suddenly mentions a special point in time, Tang Cen will suddenly wake up from the chaos.

He vaguely remembered that what Lu Sheng and the others mentioned were things that happened not long ago, but he always felt as if it was a lifetime ago—what happened last month seemed to have passed for many years, and some details and fragments were blurred .

Even Jiang Yan and Tang Cen would have the illusion that she hadn't sent a message for a long time. Only when he flipped through the chat records on his phone, he could barely recall some fragments.

Tang Cen couldn't remember what he had done, and often felt that he had never participated in any small group activities, but other people's words clearly revealed his whereabouts.His memory went from bad to worse, and in the end, even when he opened the textbook, he felt that the notes in front of him were very strange.

In order to continue living like a normal person, and to give Tang Songyuan a satisfactory explanation, Tang Cen had to carry those things that he kept forgetting all night.He repeated it mechanically until these things became fleeting reflexes, and the brain could use them without relying on memory.

At that time, Tang Cen couldn't remember when he first felt confused about life, and he didn't even understand why he had such thoughts, but such a voice would pop up in his brain from time to time, asking him why he lived.

He seemed to be confused simply because he was confused, and depressed because he was depressed.

In the bathroom, Tang Cen raised the blade in front of the mirror countless times, and stuck the cold metal object to his neck.When the sheet was pressed down, a small piece of skin with a few blue lines bulged up. When Tang Cen's sharp blade was about to cut through the flesh, he quickly threw the blade out of his hand as if he had been scalded.

Tang Cen propped his hands on the edge of the sink, cold sweat dripped down his chin into the white porcelain basin, merging with the water drops inside.Tang Cen sighed silently, wiped the cold sweat off his chin, walked to the corner and picked up the blade again.

Turning on the faucet to rinse it casually a few times, Tang Cen held one end of the blade, and cut open the skin on the inside of the elbow neatly, scarlet blood flowed out along the lower end of the wound, and dragged a long strip on the edge of the white porcelain basin. The red marks and the winding bloodstains finally disappeared at the mouth of the sewer.

After that day, there were no new wounds on Tang Cen's hands until he returned to China five years later.

"Are you still... wounding yourself?" Jiang Yan's voice came from the receiver, with deep worry in her words.

Tang Cen tore off the tape on his wrist, and there was only a pale pink mark underneath: "No more, I don't feel very well recently."

"Not feeling well?" Jiang Yan asked, "Have you been to the hospital?"

"No, do you think I should go?" Tang Cen asked while looking at the chandelier on the ceiling.

The sound of Jiang Yan's breathing came through the receiver, and after a long silence, Tang Cen heard her say, "Go."

When Tang Cen finally realized that mild self-mutilation could no longer alleviate his anxiety and depression, the abnormal symptoms in his body were so severe that even Andy, who had a rough nerve, could notice it, and the obvious trance could not be explained by staying overnight. Got it.

Before his body and mind completely collapsed, Tang Cen followed Jiang Yan's advice and went to a mental hospital in London alone.