i don't want to die again

I don't know why I have any reason to stay in this world.

When I was a child, my mother abandoned me mercilessly. I don’t even remember what she looked like. I only remember that when she left, the high-heeled shoes and the high-pitched sound of the suitcase being dragged were very harsh.

From then on, I was the only one who faced the alcoholic father who loved to discourage his son. Every time he beat me, he was merciless. He beat me several times until I was lying on the ground and couldn’t get up. I could grow up to be an adult without being beaten to death , or thanks to the fact that he was pretty drunk most of the time at home.

The drunkard was willing to pay me to study because he had some talent in learning, which could be used by the drunkard as a bragging point. Fortunately, I studied well, otherwise I wouldn't have the chance to get rid of that devil.

From childhood to adulthood, I have never felt what warmth is, without the love of my parents, without the care of my elders, and without the friendship of my peers. As far as life is concerned with me, there is only one person wandering alone.

Maybe it was a mistake that I came into this world. I don't know what the meaning of my existence in this world is.

In order to prove myself, I was admitted to the best university and still lived a very hard life. I could only rely on part-time jobs and loans to pay fees and maintain my life.

Everyone looked down on me. While they were enjoying everything, I was running around and suffering for my survival. I was stared at and ridiculed everywhere.

I don't know why I live in such pain. I can't seem to find any reason to continue to live this kind of life. If I just die, it will be over.

I hate this world.

But I also have people I love.

The person I love is as bright as the sun, shining like the stars and the moon, and he is the complete opposite of me. I love him deeply, and there are many reasons, but they are unreasonable.

But I know he's tired of even looking at me.

If I have any wish in the end, it is to hope that he will always remember that I existed as a person in the future, and not forget me so quickly, although this hope is quite slim.

If I disappeared, he would be more relaxed, maybe he would let out a long breath and say, "That's great, that weird thing won't haunt me anymore."

I don't want this, so I deliberately plan to appear in every place he can see, hoping that after I die, he will remember me because of the deep impression of the past, even if it is disgusting and disgusting.

So I also took away his most precious jade token.

In the end, I just need to find a place with mountains and rivers to end this desperate life. I only hope that when I open my eyes in the next life, I can see the beginning of sunshine.

This scenic spot in City A can be said to be the most beautiful area in the surrounding area. When I first came here, I even felt relaxed and happy. I almost forgot that I came here to seek death. Although I have lived in City A for so many years, I have never been here. It's not a disadvantage to come to such a beautiful place before dying.

Before I set off, I put the written suicide note in that old diary. Maybe no one will ever read it carefully, but I still want to leave something, otherwise, it might be regarded as a slip of the mountain tourists.

I held the jade token I stole from my sweetheart tightly in my palm. I saw this thing as very precious to him before. I don't know if he would be anxious because of it after I brought it out.

If this jade tablet is really that important, will he remember me for the rest of his life?

Who knows, I can't expect too much, and leaving with his important things is a consolation.

This mountain road is really difficult to walk. The higher you go, the fewer people there are. When I was at the foot of the mountain, I observed it. There is a hill in the center of the scenic spot, facing a narrow and long cliff, and a deep clear pool underneath, which looks very beautiful.

So I kept walking towards that hill by feeling.

When approaching the end of the planned route of the scenic spot, there are many safety signs and fences warning tourists not to go deeper, but for an adult with hands and feet, these are not difficult obstacles to overcome.

After entering the forest, I couldn't find the location of the mountain, because there were identical trees and rocks everywhere, and it was really easy to get lost in this place.

After pinching the jade tablet in the palm of my hand for a long time, I don't know if it is my illusion, it seems to be heating up slightly, and it even makes me feel a lot warmer, as if there is some magical power.

I don't know how long it took, but I finally found the mountain, looked at the boulder not far away, and thought that under the boulder is the cliff I carefully selected, with a beautiful natural scenery.

Jump from there and all my pain should be over.

Looking at the rocks not far away, I was already very tired, my hands and feet were sore and weak, and my spirit was a little dazed.

One accidentally tripped over the vines under his feet, and the jade token in his hand came out. I didn't see it when I looked up, and I don't know where it was thrown by the force just now.

I was very anxious, looking for this jade tablet everywhere, but my mind was in a daze, and I felt dizzy, and I didn't know why.

After searching for a long time, I couldn't find the jade tablet, and my mood became more and more anxious.

Just then, I saw a pair of feet standing in front of me.

In the deep mountains and old forests, a person suddenly and silently appeared in front of me. Maybe a normal person would be shocked, but now I am not even afraid of death, and of course I am not afraid of anything else.

I raised my head slowly with difficulty, and there was a boy who looked about my age in front of me, his face was a little pale, and his expression was also full of confusion and doubt.

The strange thing is that the boy's body looks a bit illusory in the dim environment of the jungle, and the shape of the trees behind him can even be faintly seen through him.

Is it a ghost?I thought to myself, maybe it's just my hallucination, after all, I'm a little delirious now, and it's not surprising to have hallucinations.

I saw that he was holding the jade tablet in his hand, and I looked up and asked him, "Who are you?"

The boy's expression became even more bewildered, and he shook his head after a pause, as if he didn't remember who he was.

"Heh." I chuckled, "It looks like a lonely ghost wandering in the mountains and forests."

The boy was still in a daze, and blinked his eyes as if he didn't understand what I said.

Just when I was looking for him to get the jade token back, everything in front of me suddenly shook, and then I fell into darkness.

When I opened my eyes again, I was leaning against a hard rock, feeling weak and dizzy.

A figure flashed in front of me, and I saw that strange boy squatting in front of me, looking at me with concern.

I didn't expect to be taken care of by a ghost before I died. I couldn't help but wonder to myself whether this was an adventure.

The ghost kept talking, but I couldn't hear anything, I just half-opened my eyes, watching his worried face and his mouth opening and closing.

Although it is a ghost, it has a pair of clear and bright eyes, and a face that makes people feel very comfortable.

When such a person is alive, are there many people who like him and many people are willing to get along with him? If I am also this kind of person, what will it be like?

After falling into the darkness again, I never want to open my eyes again, just like curled up in a quiet and lonely corner, surrounded by many noisy and chaotic voices from time to time, I can even feel that I am walking, talking and doing things, but I never wanted to wake up.

I want to sleep forever, or forget everything and start over.

Later, for some reason, a powerful and strange force forced me to wake up from my long sleep.

Then I saw that boy again, his face was shocked and bewildered, as if he was going through some incredible things, I laughed in my heart, what fuss did he make, he had died once.

My consciousness gradually returned, and during my long sleep, I could feel something, like I was still in my body, but my body was controlled by another person, and I could realize that during this time , this person is better off than I was before.

He even got everything I ever dreamed of.

I don't want it now though, because I know it's not really mine, and if I go back, I'll lose it anyway.

After the boy calmed down for a long time, he suddenly said to me seriously: "I only now understand what is going on, it has occupied your body for so long, I am sorry, I don't know why it happened..."

I just listened to his babbling explanation without any waves.

"I have been dead for a long time, and I am very lucky to have the opportunity to be a human again." Although he said lucky, the boy looked a little sad, "I am willing to return my body to you, I should leave It's..."

I looked at his face, his eyes were clearly full of reluctance and sadness, and then I asked him: "Are you willing to leave?"

He looked up at me in a daze, his eyes flickering on and off, as if he had struggled for a long time before he nodded honestly: "I don't want to part with it, but I should let go of these..."

I laughed suddenly, and he looked into my eyes with some astonishment, and then I laughed enough before opening my mouth: "But I don't want to go back..."

The boy didn't seem to have reacted yet, and he still looked at me with that dull expression.

I sighed, and continued: "I want to leave, I want a new start, so...my body, you can use it."

The boy's eyes were wide open, as if he felt a little unbelievable.

I couldn't help but think to myself, of course you don't get my point, you don't understand why anyone would be willing to give up their life, because you and I are completely different people.

My body is still asleep, but our two souls are communicating soberly. It all seems so ridiculous, but I feel unprecedentedly relaxed.

I glanced into the distance, and there seemed to be an unknown light waiting for me.

"What's your name?" I looked at the boy and asked him, "Do you remember your past now?"

The boy nodded, pursed his lips and said, "My name is Xiao Qi."

"Xiao Qi, hello." I smiled and said goodbye to him with the kindest attitude in my life, "Goodbye."

I waved at him and made up my mind to leave. Everything in the future has nothing to do with me. I want to end it all, and I long for a new start.

Perhaps, choosing to leave can be regarded as the last good thing I did in this world as Xu Shunian.