the world in which he exists

Another year of summer, and the summer of Gu Chaoming's birthday.

The ever-changing scorching sun in summer shines on the earth with nothing new, and the leaves of the trees are shining green under the sun, just like the summer when Gu Chaoming first met Lin Jianfan.

With the scorching sun and the scar on his forehead, Gu Chaoming still remembers the day when Lin Jianfan first arrived in their class, when he, Su Bing and Cen Xili went to eat together, they opened up colorful sun umbrellas on the way.

It's the season of holding sun umbrellas again, Gu Chaoming thought.

It's time for Lin Jianfan to take summer vacation.

Lin Jianfan would come every year during the Chinese New Year whenever he had time, and so would Qu Yingyi.Gu Chaoming is looking forward to seeing Lin Jianfan, looking forward to seeing Lin Jianfan who has returned from other places, but Gu Chaoming does not want to see Qu Yingyi.

It's not that I don't want to see it, but I don't dare to see it.

Like Lin Jianfan in the past, Gu Chaoming dared not see his mother.Seeing Qu Yingyi, Gu Chaoming fully realized Lin Jianfan's sense of self-blame at the beginning.

Qu Yingyi is not a strong woman, when she met Qu Yingyi, she always cried while talking, and Gu Chaoming always had to comfort her.

Qu Yingyi likes to take all the blame on herself. She always says, "It's my mother's fault."

Seeing Qu Yingyi crying, as a man, he must not cry, he could only hold back his tears desperately, and comfort his crying mother: "Don't cry, it's only been nine years, you're not wrong, I have to thank you for making me cry. Bring it so big."

"How many nine years can there be in one's life?" Qu Yingyi cried.

Gu Chaoming held back his tears and could only smile at her.

It is really not easy to say "it's only nine years", and it is even more difficult to do it.

If Qu Yingyi's visits made Gu Chaoming constantly increase his self-blame, then Lin Jianfan's visits were his inexhaustible motivation to wait for freedom with hope during the nine years.

Every time Lin Jianfan came to see him, he would tell him what happened to him.Grandma passed away, and I made many new friends in college, and he is about to graduate...

No matter good or bad, no matter big or small, Lin Jianfan would tell him many complicated and trivial things, which made Gu Chaoming feel that Lin Jianfan seemed to be by his side all the time, talking about what happened yesterday.

The isolation that he hadn't seen for a long time did not bring a sense of strangeness, and Lin Jianfan was still the same Lin Jianfan in front of him.He has not changed in any way, only his external height and imagination have gradually matured, and a familiar heart of Gu Chaoming is wrapped under the mature shell.

Gu Chaoming had to worry that when he was not advancing with the outside world, he would be left behind by Lin Jianfan's fast running, but Lin Jianfan's smile when he came to see him did not make him feel unfamiliar at all.

There will definitely be an inferiority complex, it is inevitable, but Gu Chaoming suppresses it in his heart.

The wheel of time rolls to Gu Chaoming's birthday again, every time on Gu Chaoming's birthday Lin Jianfan will come to see him.

Gu Chaoming's birthday happened to be on summer vacation, so it was convenient for Lin Jianfan.

"I went to your secret base before I came." Lin Jianfan said.

He went to the secret base of the two of them, to the seaside that carried too many memories of them, and the sea breeze roared unchangingly.

After stepping on the beach for several years, there are only his lonely footprints.

"Happy birthday." Lin Jianfan said.

With red eyes, Gu Chaoming made a wish in his heart—hope that the people he cares about will live a long, happy and healthy life, especially Lin Jianfan in front of him.

On the day of visiting him on his birthday, Lin Jianfan also told him that his class would hold a reunion in a few days, and he would go too.

In the class reunion four years after graduation, some people are still the same as before, and some are completely unrecognizable after changing their appearance.Seeing that Fan was alone, Lin saw that he got off at the restaurant agreed by the classmate association.

Everyone recognizes each other and checks each other's changes.There were 40 students in the whole class, plus 41 students from Lao Chen, and 40 students except Gu Chaoming who couldn't come.

Su Bing beckoned Lin Jianfan to sit beside him, Cen Xili came later, and the three of them reunited at the dinner table.

In the third year of high school, Su Bing was in a daze in class all day long, and he told Gu Chaoming not to worry about him.Gu Chaoming believed in him, and he really lived up to Gu Chaoming's belief and was admitted to university.

Once in the cold wind, the man who decided that the three of them would go to the same university, did not keep his promise.Su Bing and Cen Xili chose different schools, did not go to the same university, did not continue to quarrel in the same small dormitory, and continued their "home of the auspicious three treasures".

Things backfired, the agreed three people eventually scattered, and there was always one missing when they got together.

Sitting with Lin Jianfan, they would always stop talking about Gu Chaoming.It’s fine if we don’t talk about Gu Chaoming, if Su Bing knows that Gu Chaoming agreed to go to college with them and live in a dormitory, and also promised Lin Jianfan to move out with him, Su Bing would poke the glass and scold Gu Chaoming in the glass. Chao Ming sees color and forgets righteousness.

Without Gu Chaoming, everyone would have a good time, no one mentioned him, and neither did Lin Jianfan.He didn't want to break the atmosphere of the class reunion, so he sat down and ate.

During his four years in college, Su Bing had changed, but he was still very talkative and very sociable. It was Su Bing who said the classmates would toast to remember the past and wish old Chen.

Cen Xili held up the wine glass, still a worried old woman, told Su Bing to drink less, it was useless to persuade Su Bing, Su Bing's cheeks turned red from drinking.

Everyone thought Su Bing was drunk, but Su Bing said no.Cen Xili was worried about him, but Su Bing stopped Lin Jianfan who was going to leave after the show.

Lin Jianfan and Cen Xili thought he was drunk and supported him, but Su Bing said he was not drunk, and said with a playful face that he just wanted to vomit.

Seeing a car parked by the side of the road, the window slowly lowered, Su Bing, who said he was not drunk, almost blurted out "You Sanjin".

You Xin came to pick up Cen Xili, opened the car door and got out of the car. Su Bing found the couple rings on You Xin and Cen Xili's hands.

The two people who were disliked by the whole school and had many rumors in high school still walked together and spent four years in college together.

When he first found out that Cen Xili and You Xin were together, Su Bing was so surprised that he was speechless for a moment.

The two of them were still together, and they always thought that You Xin didn't like Cen Xili.Su Bing repeatedly confirmed to Cen Xili that this was not a joke, and that You Xin was not joking with him, that You Xin was serious, and Su Bing smiled relieved.

Their cabbage was still crushed by You Sanjin, a pig.

Su Bing didn't know whether he was sad or happy for Cen Xili.

But Cen Xili can be with the person he likes for four years, Su Bing also believes that You Xin is not just talking and joking with Cen Xili, nor is he trying to deceive Cen Xili, a fool.

Seeing the tall and tall You Xin walking in front of him and stopping, Su Bing smiled. He couldn't say anything for a while, he put his arm around You Xin's shoulder and whispered in You Xin's ear: "You Sanjin, treat Xi Li well. , or I can't forgive you."

Smelling the alcohol smell on Su Bing's body, You Xin nodded.

Su Bing let go of him, and hugged Cen Xili again: "Our little Xili, you are still being bullied by You Sanjin, a pig, and you can't stop it."

Cen Xili was picked up by You Xin, and the task of taking care of Su Bing fell to Lin Jianfan.

Standing on the side of the road watching You Xin's car leave, Su Bing was supported by Lin Jianfan and said: "There is a teahouse opposite, let's go have a cup of tea."

It's good to drink tea to sober up, Lin sees that Fan wants to help him cross the road, but Su Bing refuses.The blush on her cheeks hadn't faded away, but she was able to open the door of the teahouse in a straight line and walk in.

Sitting in the teahouse and chatting about recent miscellaneous things, Lin Jianfan was going to wait for Su Bing to get better before sending him home.

People outside the teahouse walked at a leisurely pace. Seeing Fan looking down, Su Bing suddenly started talking about Gu Chaoming.

Talking about when he first met Gu Chaoming, talking about their smoking together in high school, laughing at the dean's wig together, and going to see his girlfriend together...

Su Bing said a lot, Lin Jianfan listened quietly, and used Su Bing's words to supplement Gu Chaoming that he didn't know.

Su Bing sat on the seat of the teahouse and said: "I always feel that if he goes in, I have to take care of you for him. If you follow someone else, I will drive that person away. He has done so much for you , if you don’t want him after he comes out, then he really has nothing to look forward to.”

"Let me tell you, you must wait for him. I know how much he likes you. I have been friends with him for so many years. He may say that he is not good, but he definitely hopes to be with you when he comes out." You are together. I bet my life on you, he is such a stubborn person, and he is also a person who is very easy to feel inferior and easy to give up, so you must not give up on him, you must pull him, so that he can has hope."

After Su Bing said something, Lin Jianfan nodded with tears in his eyes: "I will."

Su Bing said again: "It's so embarrassing to be in that crappy school. I saw Qiu Cheng in the fucking school that day. I didn't know that he was also in our school. Now he is doing well, and he even participates in competitions to receive scholarships." Such a person, as if nothing had happened before, but Chaoming went in. It took nine years, nine years, why is God so unfair? Why can such a person be so proud, but We can't do anything about it, just pretend it never happened."

"It's not that we have forgotten it, it's not that we pretend it never happened, but we just don't want to get tangled up and bring it up again."

Lin Jianfan said, "I will hold on to it."

Su Bing blushed and began to cry: "You must hold on tightly, no matter how he shakes off, you must hold on tightly, he is a duplicity, you must not believe him, you must hold on to him."

"I will."

When talking about his own waiting, Lin Jianfan would always say: "Nine years, but nine years." It was so calm, but when he thought of Gu Chaoming, he couldn't help but think about nine years, nine springs and summers , the precious nine years of Gu Chaoming's life.

Gu Chaoming spent his precious time by his side in the third year of high school, and Lin Jianfan wanted to pay him back with his whole life.

Lin Jianfan was also willing to buy a deal that was not worth it.

Every time he went to see Gu Chaoming, Lin Jianfan would always tell Gu Chaoming that they would live together after he came out, that his cooking skills had improved a lot, and that he could cook for him.He also saved a lot of good-looking movies and books, waiting for him to come out and watch together.He still wants to take him to his campus after he comes out...

He always told Gu Chaoming what he wanted to do with him after he came out, wanted to give Gu Chaoming hope, and wanted to tell Gu Chaoming that he would still be there after he came out.He'll be with him, he'll have a home, he'll take him home.

Qu Yingyi already had a family of his own, and with his status, even if Qu Yingyi came to pick him up, Gu Chaoming would definitely not go home with her. Lin Jianfan wanted to tell him——I have been waiting for you, There is a home that has been waiting for you.

But Lin Jianfan never thought that his accumulation of four years of hard work would be completely destroyed during a visit by his mother.

Lin Jianfan hadn't had a girlfriend in four years of college, Lin's mother had long felt strange, and Lin Jianfan often went to see Gu Chaoming, Lin's mother knew something about it.

After the class reunion ended, Lin's mother was a little anxious when she heard Lin Jianfan say that he went to see Gu Chaoming again a few days ago.

She didn't want to do it either, it was just her mother's selfishness that drove her.The moment she saw Gu Chaoming, a woman in her 50s or [-]s felt a sense of withdrawal.

This is too cruel for a child.

Mama Lin looked behind the glass window at the boy who had come to his house every day that winter.

At that time, Gu Chaoming's eyes were full of hope. He was persuaded by Lin Jianfan. He thought about living happily with Lin Jianfan after going out. He also wanted to behave better in front of Lin's mother and let Lin's mother like myself more.

Mama Lin looked at this sensible child whom he trusted so much, and said ruthlessly, "Auntie knows that you have been by his side since the day I saw Fan transferred to the second class. Auntie also knows that you have been helping him all the time. He, you were with him during his most difficult time. Auntie knows that he is not an ordinary friend to you, and he always sneaks back to see you in fear of my permission."

"Auntie doesn't understand those things, but she knows that the two of you have feelings that are different from ordinary people. Auntie doesn't object to this kind of relationship. It's not because you have been in prison. It's because the child Fan has had a hard life. I am a Damn, I just hope that he can live out the rest of his life smoothly, that's enough, the road you've taken is too difficult. I dare not let him take this risk, auntie knows you are a good boy, and also knows You paid a lot to meet Fan, but can you forgive Auntie and let Auntie be selfish just once?"

The light of hope for the future in Gu Chaoming's eyes disappeared like fireworks.

Gu Chaoming looked at Lin's mother, and at Lin Jianfan's mother.

His self-doubt is not wrong after all, Lin Jianfan only said that because he loves him, but not everyone loves him, he was "blinded" by Lin Jianfan.

He loved Lin Jianfan, and Lin Jianfan loved him too, but he looked at Lin's mother's aging face behind the glass, and he didn't want to hurt a mother's heart.

People like him, don't delay other people's sons.

A person like him has no choice.

Gu Chaoming looked at Mama Lin and replied: "Auntie, we are not the kind of relationship you think, we are just friends who are better than friends. You don't need to ask me to forgive, this is not your selfishness."

The boy who was never afraid to tell people about their relationship lied, saying they were just better friends than friends.

Gu Chaoming would often think of the sports meeting where he ran against You Xin for Cen Xili, and the scene where Lin Jianfan put his hands to his mouth and desperately cheered him on.

Under the sun, he is so enthusiastic, so warm, so yearning, so want to hug him through the air, tell him not to be afraid, and me.

Now he is the first to give up.

When they first met, they were other people's youthful spectators. Now they are the protagonists. He doesn't ask how happy he is, but only wants Lin Jianfan to have a happy ending.

His teenager should be vigorous, optimistic and open-minded, instead of cowering in a corner like now, trying to smile for others to see.How much Gu Chaoming hopes that Lin Jianfan can be as sunny and happy as his childhood life, but then he will have no reason to transfer schools, no reason to meet himself, and he will live better in another world without himself.

There is no reason to forget it.

Perhaps it was a blessing in his life not to meet him.

Lin Jianfan never knew what his mother said to Gu Chaoming, he still came to see Gu Chaoming, he didn't understand why Gu Chaoming suddenly "turned his face", obviously last time he discussed the future with Gu Chaoming.

Facing Lin Jianfan who came to see him, Gu Chaoming asked him to think about it, and even asked him to quickly find a girlfriend and fall in love at the end.

"A person like me..."

Lin Jianfan's anger was expected by Gu Chaoming, but Lin Jianfan's words were far beyond Gu Chaoming's expectation.

Lin Jianfan stared straight at Gu Chaoming who didn't dare to look at him: "Is this your truth? What have I been in your eyes all these years? Are you afraid? I can be thrown away by you casually." Is it something? Did the love fade over the years? Did my mother say something? "

"I finally ask you, do you still love me or not?"

He thought that Gu Chaoming was afraid.

Gu Chaoming didn't move, he was silent, but his fleeing eyes finally looked at him.

He actually asked him if he still loved him. If there was no glass, he just wanted to hug Lin Jianfan, whose eyes were red, kiss him directly, and tell him: "I love you more than I love myself."

I am willing to give you everything I have. Even if you want to prove how much I love you, you can dig out my heart and show it to you. It is my fault that you ask me if I still love you.

But he didn't say anything, he couldn't hug him, he couldn't tell him how much he loved him.

Mama Lin was right. Lin Jianfan should be happy and live a normal life. He should hold the girl's hand and step into the palace of marriage, and then have his own children, instead of following him who has nothing, wanting to prove that the other party is My lover can't do it.

His sun is destined to be beyond his grasp, it is too hot, he wants to let go.

Seeing that Fan didn't move, Lin was so angry that he sped up his speech: "If you don't speak, okay, just treat me as being passionate. I know you love me. There are still five years left. We are in the prime of life and youth. We wait Since then, you are worth waiting for."

After throwing down the phone angrily and coming out, Lin Jianfan quickly took out his mobile phone and called Su Bing quickly.

It was a windless and sunny day, Lin Jianfan was standing on the side of the road listening to the beeps on the other end of the phone waiting for the other party to answer the phone.

Su Bing didn't answer, he wanted to talk but there was no one.Tears flowed from his eyes and fell to the ground. A man in his 20s was holding his mobile phone and crying bitterly. He said to the unanswered call, "I want to hold on to him, but he wants to give up. Hold on to him." Tired, so tired."

After crying, Lin Jianfan remembered Su Bing's words.

"You must hold on to him."

Like gaining strength, the sudden collapse of an adult, Lin saw Fan learning to be strong by himself, he wiped away his tears and said: "I will, no matter how tired I am, I will hurry up."

Later Su Bing called to ask him what happened?Seeing that Fan didn't say a word about what happened that day, he just said it was fine.

He went back to school with a suitcase alone, not long after returning to school, there was a vigorous lovelorn in their dormitory, and the glasses and trendy man said they would accompany him to KTV to vent.

Lin Jianfan was sitting alone in the corner of KTV, recalling that Su Bing lost love in high school, he, Gu Chaoming and Cen Xili sang with Su Bing.Su Bing laughed at the two of them and asked them to be together. On the way home, he even kissed Gu Chaoming's forehead.

They were still together, but Gu Chaoming wanted to give up, and he didn't promise Gu Chaoming, so they were still together.

Seeing Fan sitting in the corner, Lin Lin wished that when he turned his head, Gu Chaoming would sit next to him like before, leaning his head on his shoulder, secretly doing his little tricks.

Seeing that Fan turned his head, Lin saw nothing, only darkness and the changing light from the screen falling on the sofa.

The broken-hearted Cuntou sang Fan Weiqi's "I Can't Arrive" heartbreakingly, while glasses and trendy men listened to him singing.

Lin Jianfan listened to the lyrics, he was afraid, and his mind was full of Gu Chaoming.

It can be achieved, it can be achieved, it must be achieved, and no matter what, they must achieve their future happiness.

Back in the dormitory and lying on the bed, Lin saw Fan had a dream.In the dream, it wasn’t flowers blooming, the sun shining brightly, and the breeze gently blowing. He dreamed of that day, the day Gu Chaoming wielded a sharp knife. He dreamed of Gu Chaoming with blood on his hands. He didn’t stand still, he rushed up to hug him , hugging his fear, the blood and sweat on his hands together.

He hugged him and told him: "Don't panic, I'm here."

He dreamed that he dragged Gu Chaoming to break through the crowd, the teachers, and the police. He dragged Gu Chaoming across the playground and out of the campus.

They ran under the streetlight, and he didn't know where it was.Under the dim streetlight, their hands were tightly held, and Lin Jianfan looked at him.

Lin Jianfan smiled at him: "It's all right."

Their hands were tightly held, and the blood stained Lin Jianfan's hand, congealed and dried up where they clenched.

Someone shouted from behind, Lin Jianfan said to Gu Chaoming: "Don't look back, look forward."

But the next day when he woke up from the dream, the reality was cold, he was still lying on the bed in the dormitory, there was no Gu Chaoming by his side, nor the night light that Gu Chaoming specially left for him.

When he was taken home by Gu Chaoming in the third year of high school, he used a glass to scratch his own night. At that time, Lin Jianfan was about to bid farewell to Gu Chaoming.

At that time, he always cared about the eyes of others.When others look at him, he will think whether he has done something wrong again?But he won't do it in front of Gu Chaoming, because he believes that Gu Chaoming will love him forever.

Later, Gu Chaoming used his actions to prove his love, but now that Gu Chaoming said he didn't love him anymore, he didn't believe it.

Lin Jianfan looked at his palm, and he clenched his palm tightly.

He doesn't love him anymore, so let him love him.