[First-year student] I am not him

You don't have to feel guilty about me, because I totally deserved my death.

I probably shouldn't have come into this world with you in the first place. I have never had a good impression of this world.

Maybe it's not because the world is bad, but for a person with a dark mind like me, no matter how good the world is, I can't see it.

It's just a pity that I didn't realize this until now.

Certainly not because of guilt.

I just suddenly felt that being alive seemed meaningless to me.

I am different from you, kind, innocent, docile... These words should have been used to describe you, maybe because I couldn't find my place in this world, so I borrowed them.

Now that I have decided to die, if you still want it, you can take it back. Anyway, after I die, I won't be able to snatch it from you again.

It's really boring to grab your things.

So many times, I thought you could resist, but unfortunately you didn't.

After all, you are still too kind, even if you have deliberately hidden this characteristic, but I can still find it accurately and use it countless times.

People say that when a person is about to die, his words are good. In my life, I suddenly want to do a good thing, so I want to tell you.

When you were looking for me, I was hiding in the row of cement pipes behind the slide.

I don't want to go back myself, it's none of your business.

I don't know if you will regret all these years of tolerance.

If you regret it, then live well in the future when you get rid of this demon like me.

I heard that the scenery in China is very beautiful, with beautiful mountains and clear waters. Unfortunately, I am not interested in competing with you this time, and I have not been able to visit again.

good luck.

Warm

X year X month X day

There was no title in front of his suicide note, but he knew it was written for me.

In just a few words, it seems that he has explained all his worries thoroughly, and easily defined himself as a dark and gloomy demon.

I still remember the row of cement pipes he was talking about, it was piled up next to the small square where I took him to play that night.

That was the first time I took him to run so far, several intersections away from my home.

Because I heard that there are new slides and seesaws there.

At that time, I was also a child, and it was natural for me to play crazy. When I think about it again, I can't find him anywhere.

That row of cement pipes, I didn't expect to see them at all.

I thought, if he was inside and heard my shout, he would definitely agree.

Children's thinking is so simple.

Later, the police found the cloth of clothes hanging off his body in those cement pipes.

So the adults speculated that maybe he fell asleep in it at that time, and after waking up, he couldn't find his way back.

It's also possible that it was controlled by the bad guys, even if they heard my shout, they couldn't agree.

I am also a child, so no one blames me, including my parents.

It was a blessing to them that I could go back safely and not get lost with him.

But I blame myself all the time.

At that time, I often dreamed that Nuan Nuan was covered by bad guys and looked at me with tears in a cement pipe nestled in it.

I never thought that since then, Nuan Nuan has hated me.

It wasn't until tears dripped onto the letter paper in my hand that I realized that I was crying.

No wonder the vision was blurry.

Kongphop hugged me tightly and kept repeating in my ear: "Don't cry, Arthit, you know he's not like this."

I know, of course I know.

If Nuan Nuan is really so bad, how could she deliberately leave such a letter to comfort me before committing suicide.

He is afraid that guilt will haunt me for the rest of my life, so he deliberately makes me think that he is really so cold-blooded.

Even when he wanted to die, he was thinking of me.

And what was I doing?

I'm trying my best to escape from him.

No wonder then I always feel heartache for no reason.

Even though I had just left this depressing city, I thought I could finally breathe a sigh of relief, but my mood was even lower than when I was in China.

It's just that I thought it was because I had just arrived in a foreign country and couldn't adapt.

It was completely unexpected that Nuan Nuan was preparing to die at that time.

Kongphop wiped my tears with his hand, and I tried my best to control my emotions.

At this time, crying is useless.

I suddenly wanted to know everything about Nuan Nuan so urgently.

Although it's too late for him.

Perhaps Kongphop knew that he couldn't stop me, so he didn't say anything at all, but hugged me even tighter.

He looked at the signature on the envelope, took a deep breath suddenly, and said in a low voice, "This was written the day before I met him."

I look up at him.

Speaking of the first meeting with Nuannuan in front of me, Kongphop was obviously a little uncomfortable, but he continued: "There was an important exam that day, so I remember the date."

My lips trembled before I slowly opened my mouth: "So, Nuan Nuan met you when she was about to commit suicide."

I've never been more grateful for their encounter than I am now.

But what's the use, that meeting just delayed his departure time.

Kongphop probably got tired from squatting for too long, so he just sat on the ground and held me in his arms: "When I met him, he was drinking pink panna cotta."

This is the first time Kongphop told me about their encounter.

My heart trembled, and before I could react, Kongphop had already said what I was thinking: "If he really decided to commit suicide at that time, it must be because he wanted to think about you more before he died."

This fact simply made my heart constrict into a ball of pain.

"In those years, he may just love you in the wrong way, but he definitely loved you." Kongphop said, lowering his head and rubbing my hair.

Just such a slight movement managed to bring me some comfort.

I didn't speak. At this moment, nothing seemed to express my feelings.

The guilt, resentment, and resentment accumulated over the years...all the complicated emotions were subverted at this moment.

I still haven't figured out Nuan Nuan's original intention for doing those things.

But I already knew that he really didn't hate me as much as I thought.

I have waited for a long time but didn't get the sentence that he still likes me, even without him saying it, I can already understand it.

I leaned on Kongphop's body for a long time before I finally had the strength to open the second letter.