[First-year student] I am not him

I can’t remember how long it has been. The person who was acting like a baby by my parents was replaced by me, the person who went out and said hello to the elders with a smile was replaced by me, and the person surrounded by a group of friends was replaced by me...

Time slipped away slowly without knowing it.

And I seem to be getting used to the current self without knowing it.

Quiet and obedient, gentle and polite.

When Ah Ri grew up, he should look like this.

It was only later that he realized that I wanted to be like him, so he put away all this side of himself.

In front of him, I was like a robber.

He snatched everything that should belong to him, but he still didn't say a word.

So I, a bad guy, naturally looked darker again.

I remember when I was 15 years old, Dan, who had always been well-behaved, couldn't take it anymore. He found me in private, cried and sternly said to me: What do you want to make Ah?After so many years, he should have paid off what he owed you!He didn't mean to make you get lost!

That day was our 15th birthday.

The age of 15 was like a watershed between childhood and adolescence. My parents even called us together formally and asked us what gifts we needed.

What I asked my parents for was a drum set.

I've seen him play the drums with his friends in the music club and he had such a good laugh.

Over the years, I have never seen him smile at me like that again.

A long time ago, that smile clearly belonged to me.

Only then never again.

Before my parents bought it for me, they were also in a dilemma: the money was for buying gifts for the two of you, and a set of drum kits would be over budget.There hasn't been much extra money lately either.

Ah Ri just looked at me coldly from the side: buy it for him, I don’t want anything.

At that time, we had already slept in separate rooms at Ah Ri's insistence.

The drum set was quickly moved to my room.

That night, I was lying on the floor, looking at the drum in front of me, someone cut a big hole in my heart, and the wind poured it in, it was icy cold.

How I wish he could come in, sit here and play all night, smiling at me like that.

But when he passed by my door, his eyes didn't even squint.

I thought of Dan's red eyes from crying.

I know, of course I know he didn't mean to lose me.

Because the worst person has always been me.

Maybe it was from that day on, I never saw him play drums again.

His rare preference was once again snatched by me, a bad guy.

It's just that I studied hard for a long time later, but I still couldn't beat the drums well.

Probably because every time I pick up the drumsticks, my vision is a bit blurred.

Or maybe it's really because of lack of talent.

Apart from scheming, I am not as talented as him in other aspects.

No matter what, the days will move forward day by day.

Yet we have all changed beyond recognition.

Although we live under the same roof, we are the two people who interact the least.

I also don't understand more and more what he is thinking.

It may be because we have been away from each other for too long, or it may be because Ah Ri is too good at hiding, and I even lost the ability to read his mind.

I just don't know when I started to get used to the distance between us.

He endured again and again, and I chased after him again and again, but to no avail.

Ah-ri is still the one who can easily make everything excellent. I tried my best to make myself what he should have been.

Still the ordinary version.

Even if you are poor for a lifetime, you can only do this.

Looks like a real clown.

He changed a look that he didn't like, but he still lived a prosperous life.

This is probably the biggest irony of fate for a clown like me.

What else can I do but accept my fate.

Since I was a child, being the bad guy next to Ah Ri seems to be the content of my daily life.

Once I get rid of this purpose in life, I have no focus in life at all.

So later, for a long time, I seemed to be living in a lifeless hell, and my whole body was fading away at a speed that could be seen.

But Ah Ri had already stopped looking at me, so naturally he couldn't find out.

During that time, Jay would often compulsively take me to go out with him to go sightseeing, saying that it would broaden our minds.

I think it's probably because he saw the sertraline tablets (note) and sleeping pills in my bag.

Jay has been my friend since I was a child, and he was no different from other people. People like me never know how to communicate with others.

It's just that the only time I drank, I was drunk.

I don't know if it's because I've suppressed it for too many years, but that night, I actually confessed all my dirty thoughts to him.

In fact, I was thinking at the time that he would definitely expose such a dark side of me to the public.

No matter who heard such vicious things, they must have a sense of justice and let out a sigh of relief for Ah Ri.

After all, his relationship with me is no closer than that of Ah Ri.

Then I can be free.

But I didn't expect that he didn't know where he smelled the pity of me, a person who is so bad in his bones, that he didn't say a word.

In the end, he actually took it as his responsibility to save my filthy soul, and stayed with me all day long.

After coming and going, I somehow found a real friend.

This is probably because fate also took pity on me, a villain, and gave me this only gift.

That day, when Jay and I came back from wandering outside, before we entered the door, we heard Dan's laughter overflowing the window.

I looked in through the crack of the door, and Ah Ri was smiling like her.

I was in a trance for a while.

"Oh! Your face is blushing, do you think you have fallen in love with him! That little bear is still my token of love, and you actually gave it to him together with the umbrella!"

Ah Ri hastily denied: "How is it possible, we are all men!"

In front of Dan, he probably can show such a real side.

Ah Ri paused, and then continued: "It's just that when he smiled at me, my heartbeat seemed... a little faster. This feeling is very strange."

boom--

The pink panna cotta in my hand fell to the ground.

The two turned their heads to see me, and the smiles on their faces were very tacitly put away.

"I'm back." Ah Ri still bent the corner of his mouth at me.

It's just that the smile didn't reach his eyes.

I picked up the unopened panna cotta, gave him a hasty smile, and fled back to the room.

Does he actually have someone in his heart?

Also good.

Like Jay said, we should have had different lives.

Sooner or later, we will also have our own loved ones.

I sat between the worn-out drums, picked up the drumsticks that were also worn smooth, and beat on them frantically as before.

It doesn't matter if the rhythm is wrong, as long as it is the same as before and can cover up the crying.

We are two different people.

I have always known it, but this is the first time I have understood it so deeply.

It was also the first time that I wished so wildly that I could also meet such a person, which moved my heart.

Note: Sertraline tablets, a drug for the treatment of depression.