[First-year student] I am not him

, or... bless him to finally find his own happiness?

No matter which sentence it was, he couldn't say it.

He once imagined that after a long time, if he knew that Senior Arthit had a new relationship, he would openly express his blessings.

But I didn't expect this day to come so soon.

In fact, no matter how late this moment came, it was the same. Seeing the picture of them together, Kongphop knew that he would never be able to calmly face the fact that Senior Arthit had another love.

I wish you happiness with people other than me forever.

How can I say this sentence?

Just thinking about it makes my internal organs feel like they are about to be torn apart in pain.

"Hey, why don't you talk?" Senior Arthit's voice became much softer.

Kongphop hung up the phone hastily, like a clown who dared not even call the curtain call.

I'm sorry, Senior Arthit, I couldn't say that I wish you happiness in person after all.

But I still beg you, in the long life to come, you must show me happiness.

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The sun is shining and the shade is gentle, just like the afternoon when Kongphop and Nuan Nuan met.

Saying goodbye to Nuannuan on such a day can barely be regarded as a slightly more euphemistic ending.

Kongphop carefully cleaned Nuan Nuan's cemetery, and finally sat next to the tombstone, as if sitting side by side with Nuan Nuan.

But even now, he still can't calmly say some words to Nuan Nuan.

He turned his head and looked at the tombstone that he had just wiped clean, and for a moment he seemed to see Nuan Nuan looking at him with a smile.

Nuan Nuan smiles like this most of the time, but when she smiles, she often has an indescribable sense of distance.

And it was precisely when he couldn't control his emotions that Kongphop felt that he had seen the real him.

But those moments are few and far between.

Between them, one is far and near, and the other is careless. It seems that they haven't really cherished that period of getting along from the beginning to the end.

He thought that he could at least make up for some of the regrets he had had with nostalgia, but he didn't expect to fall in love with Arthit again in such a short period of time.

And the most ironic thing is, when he was finally willing to admit this, Senior Arthit's heart had already been given to someone else.

One, a person who is thousands of times more suitable than him.

This is probably in response to the sentence of retribution.

He owed Nuannuan, and in another way, he was taken from him again.

"Nuannuan." Kongphop didn't know when his eyes had started to blur, "I don't know if I can keep my promise to you."

How could you not know.

He knows.

He had already broken that promise.

It's just that he has always believed that there is a spirit in the sky, thinking that perhaps Nuan Nuan is really sitting next to him at this moment, and he can no longer say more decisive words.

He just heard senior Arthit say that he fell in love with someone else, so he really couldn't force this pain on Nuan Nuan.

Kongphop stretched out his hand to caress Nuan Nuan's name on the tombstone, his fingertips trembling uncontrollably.

Nuannuan, I'm sorry, I still fell in love with someone else after all.

That person seems to be another you in this world, but it is different from you in thousands of ways.

And the most difficult thing to say is that I fell in love with him, never because of you.

Thinking of this, Kongphop's tears flowed all over his face.

If Nuan Nuan really has a soul in the sky, maybe, he can hear these apologies in his heart.

These apologies that he couldn't say in person anyway, he could only say to Nuan Nuan in this way.

He is ungrateful, he has completely failed the man lying in the cemetery.

Even now, it would be futile to deny it.

However, he still had the cheek to hope that Nuan Nuan would not reject his future visits.

Ending his life alone should already be a punishment for his mistakes.

Kongphop didn't expect that he, who always prided himself on being strong, would cry so many times in a sporadic manner recently.

After leaving the warm cemetery, he did not get the relief he imagined.

Because I never dreamed of Nuannuan's forgiveness, I felt that he must not forgive, and it was inevitable that I would be even more depressed.

I stayed alone in the apartment and isolated from the world for more than half a month, regardless of morning and evening.

It wasn't until the first day of school that M, who hadn't been in contact with him for a long time, knocked on the door for more than ten minutes. The dazed Kongphop finally woke up and went to let him in.

M was stunned when she saw the scene in the apartment: "Kong, don't tell me you haven't left the apartment during the whole vacation."

The apartment, which has always been clean and tidy, has probably become a small dump at this moment, with a pile of takeaway and instant noodle boxes alone.

But Kongphop still looks much thinner.

It seems that these meals are just to keep him alive, not to fill his stomach.

Kongphop can also laugh at M at this time: "Why are you here? Is school starting yet?"

M was left with a worried face.

But once there were outsiders around, Kongphop returned to normal at an extremely fast speed.

Under M's supervision, I had an honest meal, and even cleaned up the room with M.

In just one afternoon, it seems to have returned to the past.

Seeing this, M couldn't help being even more worried: "In front of me, can you stop holding it like this? I won't laugh at you."

Kongphop was silent for a long time, and for the first time expressed his deepest thoughts in front of others: "I will see Senior Arthit soon...I can't let him see me like this."

M instant conclusion.

For a while, I felt an uncontrollable sadness.

It's really hard for him to imagine how heartbroken Kongphop needs to be to survive such a heartbroken outsider.

"If you really can't do it, don't see him yet." M couldn't help but persuaded.

Kongphop smiled: "But what should I do, I miss him so much."

All the time, not thinking.

☆、Chapter 21

But fate has always been so wonderful, even if you miss it so much, in this small campus, you still can't meet people you shouldn't meet.

It's been a whole week since school started, and Kongphop hasn't met senior Arthit even once without freshman training.

He has met the other members of the senior group several times, but everyone obviously doesn't like him very much now. Every time they hear him ask about Arthit, they mostly have the same indifferent expression and say the same thing.

"Arthit, you're on a date, do you have anything to do with him?"

He... seemed to be fine.

The two are just ordinary friends now, and there is no reason why they must meet.

Except for chance encounters, he has no chance to meet senior Arthit.

Missing someone until the whole chest hurts, this kind of experience, probably not everyone has it.

What Kongphop didn't expect was that the encounter with senior Arthit came so unexpectedly.

He had just held the pink panna cotta handed over by the owner's sister, and when he turned his head, he saw Arthit walking in this direction.

Arthit's gaze also fell on the pink panna cotta in his hand.

He instantly understood that Arthit probably misunderstood again, misunderstood that he was still thinking of Nuan Nuan with the cup of pink panna cotta in his hand.

But he is no longer qualified to tell Arthit who he really misses.

Because there is another person standing beside Arthit now.

Standing with someone who drives Kongphop crazy with envy, yet still has to pray that she's a thousand times better than him.

I missed them for so long, but what I met was their standing together.

Kongphop held the pink panna cotta tightly and tightly, but still remembered to say hello: "Senior Arthit."

Arthit smiled hastily, reached out and patted the girl's shoulder: "Aren't you hungry? Let's go buy food first."

And this action, which can't even be called intimacy, is enough to make Kongphop feel jealous.

But the girl didn't intend to leave at all: "This is your junior? Why don't you introduce me?"

Arthit opened his mouth, but before he could refuse, he was interrupted by the girl again: "Let's go to dinner together, let's go!"

The girl's personality is very lively, and it was just the first time they met, so she pushed Kongphop and walked forward with them familiarly.

Kongphop sadly found that he couldn't feel any disgust towards this person who should be called a rival in love.

She is such a cheerful person, probably she can really bring more happiness to Senior Arthit.

The three of them found a random restaurant and sat down. Before they could order food, the girl said with a smile on her face: "Although the world of two people is gone, it's good to meet a handsome guy."

Kongphop's heart was stabbed again by her phrase "a world for two".

Although I know the speaker has no intention.

"Arthit, don't introduce me yet!" The girl intimately pushed Senior Arthit on the shoulder.

Senior Arthit also seemed to be forcing a smile on his face.

After all, it is a slightly embarrassing thing for the current incumbent to let him introduce his ex to him without knowing it.

But he still smiled and said obediently: "Oh, his name is Kongphop."

But Dan didn't need his introduction, and immediately took the initiative to say: "Hi, Kongphop, my name is Dan, I grew up with Arthit, nice to meet you."

Kongphop suppressed the trembling in his heart, and smiled at her: "Nice to meet you."

This sentence was too insincere, but luckily he managed to cover it up.

Dan's personality is very different from theirs, and he is a veritable chatterbox.

But thanks to her chatty nature, the scene of the three of them together will not be cold.

What made it even more difficult for Kongphop was that everything Dan said about Arthit senior was what he wanted to hear.

From childhood to adulthood, he greedily wants to understand every detail no matter what.

It's just that senior Arthit always felt embarrassed, and would interrupt Dan's words from time to time, many things had just been said in the first few sentences, and then there was no more content.

Dan was so angry that he rolled his eyes at Arthit several times, and finally, as if revenge, he even said that he wanted to expose his embarrassing things.

Arthit was probably confident that he hadn't experienced any embarrassment, so he didn't take it seriously at first.

And when he finally changed his face, Dan had already babbled all the words out of his mouth.

"You said he was sick, lied to people that he would be home soon, then forced the umbrella to someone else, and ran back in the rain stupidly, completely soaked."

Arthit's expression changed: "Dan..."

This time, Dan ignored Arthit's objection: "Anyway, he just gave away my umbrella to someone else. He was very angry. There was still a Rilakkuma that was given to me by my boyfriend at the time on the umbrella. Do you think he is jealous? Giving it away on purpose?"

After saying this, Dan pretended to sigh helplessly, looking very cute.

But at this moment, none of the other two people paid attention to her cuteness.

Kongphop suddenly looked towards Senior Arthit, and Senior Arthit's gaze was also sweeping towards him, but the moment he met his gaze, he quickly escaped from sight.

Kongphop's heartbeat was so fast that even his mind was buzzing.

He clenched his fists and tried his best to control his emotions: "When did you say that happened?" When he asked this sentence, he had already confirmed the answer.

Because Senior Arthit's complexion has turned pale at this moment.

Dan also saw that something was wrong with them, and the smile on his face finally faded a little, and he became a little hesitant: "That's really far away, it seems to be our freshman year."

Their freshman year was also the time when his sophomore year was about to end.

That year, he met that person in the misty drizzle.

The man who held the umbrella for him.

The one who made him fall in love at first sight.

That person, for so long, Kongphop thought that his name was... Nuan Nuan.

-----------------------------------------

Kongphop finally dreamed of Nuan Nuan for the first time.

The color in the dream is gray and faded, but every bit of it is the situation of him getting along with Nuan Nuan.

"Which one do you like? I'll give it to you." He still remembered the arc of his smile at that time.

Nuannuan took the little bear in his hand, but he was not as happy as he imagined: "Do you think I will like this?"

"No, look at the little bear on that umbrella, I thought you would like it."

At that time, Nuannuan put away his smiling face, which was rare, and after a long silence, he returned the bear to him: "Let's put it back."

The screen flashed, and it was that rainy night again.

Nuan Nuan waved away the umbrella in his hand, and shouted angrily: "Kongphop, I don't want to use this umbrella anymore, can you throw it away!"

At that time, he didn't know why Nuan Nuan always changed his face suddenly, and even often felt headaches because of his fickleness and irritability.

But now that I understand it, it's a completely different state of mind.

It turns out that Nuan Nuan always knew that it was another person who fell in love with him at first sight.

Even in a dream, Kongphop's heart still hurts badly.

But this night's dream still refused to spare him.

The next scene turned to the encounter in the rain that he recalled countless times.

It's just that the person smiling at him in the picture switched back and forth with the senior Arthit on the first day of school, and finally, it seemed to gradually merge into one.

The person in the dream was still smiling at him under the umbrella, but what he said was not what he remembered.

"I wish I had never met you."

Senior Arthit's words made him wake up from his dream in an instant, and his heart ached.

From a long time ago, he has been afraid that Senior Arthit will regard meeting him as the worst existence in his life.

And now, that fear has almost reached its peak.

It turned out that he had been mistaken all along.

And senior Arthit, how did he hold this secret, and love him so wronged and stubbornly.

As long as he thought of these, he felt that he was not worthy of the love of Arthit senior at that time.

Fate is sometimes too ironic. He originally thought it was a good memory, but it never brought warmth and happiness. In those days when he was still wandering about whether he could love Arthit senior, he had already lost it. Love his qualifications.

This is probably the so-called... good luck playing tricks on people.

That day, after being exposed, Senior Arthit got up and ran away, even ignoring that Dan was still there.

And Dan could only chase him away in a hurry.

Since that day, we have been separated for several days.

The truth of the past was revealed, but Kongphop still couldn't find a reason to meet him.

This truth only made his betrayal more thorough, and it couldn't change any of the current facts.

But many things in the past were answered in an instant.

Why didn't senior Arthit punish him on the first day of freshman training, why did he say with a smile on the night of drunkenness that I thought I would never see you again, and why did he face his umbrella on a date The little bear is in a trance...

Many details that even Kongphop didn't pay attention to, at this moment, turned into a pair of knives that pierced his heart, stabbing him with cuts and bruises all over his body.

But not wronged.

Because the senior Arthit at that time must have suffered much more than him.

He swears that he fell in love with the person in the rain at first sight, but even the person who fell in love at first sight, he admits his mistake.

He originally thought that losing Arthit was the greatest punishment of fate, but now he realized that the punishment was not too much for him at all.

It turned out that fate had given him the chance to catch Arthit's senior from the very beginning, but he himself missed it and made a mess of mistakes.

It was another late night that I had been sitting in the classroom for a long time.

Kongphop finally realized that the entire teaching building had been plunged into darkness, so he packed up his textbooks and left the classroom door.

Unexpectedly, he suddenly heard a faint scolding sound.

He followed the voice, and what he saw through the glass was the group of junior seniors who were obediently standing and being reprimanded by senior seniors.

Of course Senior Arthit was also standing among them.

Kongphop's heart was beating wildly again, and he couldn't help looking at every detail of Arthit's face greedily.

Arthit's complexion was also not very good, wondering if he was still concerned about being exposed.

But the reality didn't give Kongphop much time to think. The next moment, he heard the voice of the senior senior announcing the dissolution.

Kongphop panicked for a while, and subconsciously wanted to find a place to hide.

He ran away in a panic, and finally hid behind a small fire cabinet next to the stairs.

But maybe because it was too dark, the footsteps of the seniors passed by one after another, but no one noticed him.

He finally breathed a sigh of relief when he heard all the footsteps fading away, and stood up from behind the fire cabinet.

But I didn't expect him to escape all of them, but he just didn't escape the person he was most afraid of seeing.

Senior Arthit didn't know why he was left behind alone, and was obviously taken aback by the person who suddenly jumped out. After seeing that this person was him, he quickly restrained his emotions and continued to walk without saying a word.

Kongphop's heart ached, and he couldn't help shouting: "Senior."

Arthit's footsteps paused, and he glanced at him, but in the end he didn't say anything, and quickly escaped from his sight.

Kongphop suddenly understood at that moment, at this moment, senior Arthit probably didn't even want to maintain the illusion of that ordinary friend.

After all, who has been hurt so deeply by him, who would really let go of the past.

He didn't even have the blessing to be his lifelong friend in peace.

--------------------------------

The unexpected meeting in the teaching building that night turned out to be the only meeting between Kongphop and Arthit senior during this period of time.

Even though it was so hasty, it still seemed precious.

Although Kongphop misses it, he also understands that in the days to come, he will probably just get used to it slowly.

Get used to this life without Senior Arthit.

It's just that I can't help regretting that I didn't leave more images of getting along when we were together.

Because of the similar face to Nuan Nuan, Senior Arthit has always been very repulsed to leave photos and videos in Kongphop's mobile phone.

I remember that when we were together not long ago, senior Arthit waited for him on the bench in the campus until he fell asleep.

The shadows of the trees are mottled, reflecting the mottled sleeping face of senior Arthit, that picture is so beautiful that it makes one's heart tremble.

Kongphop almost subconsciously raised his phone and took a picture.

Senior Arthit, who was only awakened by the click sound, realized what he was doing, but his face sank instantly.

Since then, Kongphop has never dared to do this again.

There are only a few group photos of many people standing together taken when we went out to play together in the mobile phone photo album, and I can't find anything else.

At that time, I thought it was okay if I didn’t shoot, as it would be nice to have people around me anyway.

But once the people are gone, the sporadic images on the phone are not enough to watch.

After tossing and turning, if it is washed out, I am afraid it will have been worn white.

"Kong." M's cry woke up Kongphop from his own contemplation.

He looked at the people around him and asked, "What's wrong?"

"I want to ask you a question." M rubbed his palms, looking hesitant.

"what?"

But M hesitated for a while: "Uh...uh..."

Kongphop interrupted him impatiently: "How long do you want?"

Under his urging, M finally asked: "Have you fallen in love with the senior?" M really couldn't believe that Kongphop's current distraught appearance was just because he lost a substitute who was similar to Nuan Nuan.

But he didn't expect Kongphop to answer so simply: "Yes, I'm in love."

"I think so." M nodded, hesitated for a while, and then said again, "Uh...but are you going to give up just like that?"

Probably because M has seen him in the most embarrassing state, Kongphop has no intention of hiding in front of him.

He took a deep breath, and his eyes didn't know where to go: "Probably... from the moment I regarded Nuan Nuan as him, I have lost the qualification to love him."

M sighed: "But I don't think it's all your fault."

Kongphop shook his head: "Now I often think about how sad he was when he loved me. Now he has someone else he likes, and I don't want him to be sad about the past."

These were his sincere words, but they really made his heart hurt even more.

Although it has been prepared for so long, it is still not easy to let go.

"What's more, even if I say I love him now, he won't believe it. Even I feel like I'm dreaming." If he was Arthit's senior, he definitely wouldn't believe it. Before he knew the truth, he would Already in love with him.

M seemed to be convinced by him, but he couldn't help but continued: "But you know what? You treat him differently from Nuannuan... Do you know how focused your eyes are when you look at him? In fact, Nuan Nuan asked me before, saying that you always like to be absent-minded. So I think that you may never really miss them, just because you never thought that you would meet another person who is exactly the same. "

M's tone was extremely slow, probably because he was afraid that his own words would irritate him again: "Did your previous feelings for Nuannuan really be love? Sometimes, even if the eyes can't see the difference, the heart can feel it."

A few short sentences are like enlightenment.

Did he... really love Nuan Nuan before?

From the beginning to the end, his feelings for Nuan Nuan and his current affection for Senior Arthit seem to have been different.

At that time, he was even confused, whether the feeling when we met for the first time had gone wrong.

It's just that he has been refusing to admit it, so he carelessly dragged Nuannuan to the end.

Kongphop couldn't help recalling the past again.

That day, Nuan Nuan was in the barber shop, stroking the newly made shape and asked him with a smile: "I look like this, does it look more like the first time we met?"

At that time, he didn't understand why there seemed to be something wrong with Nuan Nuan's smile.

It wasn't until now that I realized that it was because that smile revealed only bitterness from the inside out.

The two people I met loved him in such a humble way.

But all he brought them was pain.

Every time those realities that he ignored in the past are dug up, Kongphop can learn more about his own mistakes.

Maybe that can no longer be called a fault, but...

The sin is heavy.

After all, I have completely failed two people.

From beginning to end, no one was happy.

---------------------------

"Did I make a mistake again?" Dan, who was usually cheerful and lively, put away his usual temper at this time and asked cautiously.

Arthit looked at her with some clarity in his eyes: "Did you guess something?"

Although Dan is lively, he doesn't say everything to people he meets for the first time.

It was really hard for him to believe that it was just by chance that she talked about that umbrella with Kongphop that day.

Dan still didn't admit it: "I just watched that day... your reactions seem to be very strange."

"Really?" Arthit looked at her quietly.

Under his gaze, Dan couldn't help lowering his head guiltily: "We are best friends, and I don't want you to be unhappy."

Arthit's eyes flickered, and finally moved his eyes aside: "I'm not unhappy, you're always thinking so wildly."

"Then think I'm just thinking wildly, but..." Dan's tone paused, and he quickly continued, "I will definitely make you happy."

Her earnest expression reminded Arthit of the past in a trance.

Dan had told him so seriously when he was a little girl.

It's just that so many years have passed, but his life is still like this, and there is no improvement.

What was originally thought to be a turning point leading to happiness has suddenly become another ups and downs on the road of life. The reality is always so helpless.

Arthit lowered his head, looking at the cup of pink panna cotta in front of him, with mixed flavors.

Seeing him like this, Dan's eyes darkened a little: "You have been like this since you were a child, and you never took the initiative to fight for anything, but don't you really want those things? Arthit, you need to know that sometimes people want and want to be selfish. One point, don’t think of everything only for others.”

Dan said, but smiled at him again: "If you can't do it, let me protect you like you protected me when you were a child."

Dan has always been a sister in need of care in Arthit's eyes.

Dan has said the similar words full of breath in the second class, and he has said it countless times, but every time he comes with full confidence, but in the end he comes back with a feather.

Arthit understands that she really wants to help him every time, but there are many things that even the closest people can't help.

So he didn't take Dan's words to heart at all.

What made him feel strange was what she said before.

In fact, he does everything for the sake of others. Most of them just give up deliberately because they are afraid that fighting for it will be a waste of effort.

But I often have to pretend that I don't care at all for the sake of face.

Dan saw through his fake indifference, but he still couldn't see the truth behind the facade.

So Arthit will inevitably feel guilty.

Yeah, even Dan doesn't know that he's always been that cowardly.

So many times since childhood, because I was afraid of losing, I simply pretended that I didn't want to have it, and because I was afraid that I couldn't grab it, I simply pretended that I didn't bother with it.

Over the years, the only thing he wanted to fight for was his relationship with Kongphop.

The result is still a complete defeat.

In fact, he didn't continue to blame Kongphop any more.

Even if the two people who met in the rain that day were them, so what? Who stipulated that love at first sight must remain unchanged for a lifetime.

It was just a hasty meeting. If you ignore that little heartbeat, that side is no different from the thousands of people who pass by in this world all day long.

What's more, he was the one who was anxious to go abroad at that time, missed the opportunity, and blamed the other party for not waiting for him to reappear, it would be a bit too unreasonable.

No matter how clever Kongphop is, he would never have imagined that the person he met later was not the same person as the person he first met in the rain.

Who would have thought?

If you want to blame, maybe you can only blame fate, too fond of teasing people.

He can no longer blame Kongphop with peace of mind, but also can no longer continue to be so-called ordinary friends with him with the cheek.

The fact that has been covered up for a long time is easily exposed, Arthit's deepest feeling is actually the embarrassment and embarrassment that cannot be suppressed.

Even if he was the first person he met, he still failed to become the person that Kongphop really puts in his heart.

And his struggles and efforts at the beginning seemed even more overwhelming.

The degree of embarrassment seemed to double in an instant.

He was even more afraid that Kongphop would think that Dan's words were spoken at his behest.

The only thing left for Arthit is the self-esteem that has been maintained through hard work. It would be really unbearable if he was misunderstood in the end and became unscrupulous in order to keep Kongphop.

He's not going to trade this trick for Kongphop's love.

What's more, he wasn't so naive as to think that Kongphop would fall in love with him just because he knew such a trivial truth.

But for Kongphop, this incident is probably really a bolt from the blue.

Suddenly knowing that the person I fell in love with at first sight is not the same as the person I love the most, the degree of shock can be imagined.

Originally, Arthit really wanted to hide it from him for the rest of his life.

Since it is no longer possible for him to have his own love, it is also a good thing for Kongphop to have a complete and unforgettable love.

I don't know if Kongphop will resent him for this.

After all, it was his existence that made Kongphop's memories with that person less than perfect.

That rainy day was originally Arthit's only secret memory that was good but not sad. He thought he could rely on this good to live his life.

But if Kongphop blames him for this, he will lose even this goodness.

Arthit suddenly couldn't help thinking, if that day, meeting Kongphop in the rain... was that person.

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Kongphop never imagined that Dan would suddenly ask him to meet.

Although they exchanged phone numbers that day, it stands to reason that they should not be in a relationship that would contact them privately.

But he couldn't refuse the other party's appointment at all.

Dan didn't say the reason for wanting to meet, but Kongphop's heart was always filled with unspeakable anxiety.

It was a bit naive to say, but on the day we met, he made himself tidy and handsome on purpose. This was the first time in this period of time that he consciously wanted to dress himself up.

When he thought that the other party was the person Arthit senior liked, he couldn't bear to show a little embarrassment in front of her.

After all, but still jealousy.

When he arrived, Dan was already waiting in his seat.

Kongphop walked over, pretending to be relaxed: "Isn't Senior Arthit with you?"

When Dan saw him coming, he first smiled: "He didn't