[First-year student] I am not him

He couldn't hold senior Arthit in his arms any more.

In the past, he always tried his best to procrastinate, fearing that senior Arthit would force him to recognize his own heart.

But now, Senior Arthit will never force him again.

Because he... doesn't care who he loves anymore.

The cruelest ending of all the stories in this world is probably...one of them doesn't care anymore.

---------------------------------

Kongphop washed under the shower for a long time, and finally got dressed and walked out of the bathroom until he confirmed that there was no trace of depression on his body.

The lights in the room were still on, but Senior Arthit was already lying down on the bed with his eyes closed.

It seems that after Kongphop entered the bathroom, he still didn't dry his hair, and the hair is still a little damp.

And even though his eyes were closed tightly, Kongphop knew he wasn't asleep at all.

Senior Arthit has never been so honest after falling asleep, he often rolls to his side in twos or twos, and his hands and feet like to be entangled in Kongphop's body.

If Kongphop wanted to sleep soundly, he had to hold him in his arms to sleep almost every day.

Waking up in Kongphop's arms several times, of course he also knows his own virtue.

I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep well tonight.

Kongphop stood at the end of the bed, looked at the person who was lying on the bed tensely, and asked, "Senior Arthit, are you going to sleep?"

Arthit didn't reply, but got up directly, turned off the lamp on the bedside table, and then quickly lay back down.

Kongphop pursed his lower lip, reached out and pressed the headlight switch on the wall, and there were only a few strands of moonlight shining in through the curtains in the whole room.

Borrowing the moonlight, Kongphop quietly crawled to the other side of the bed and got under the covers.

The temperature of the person beside him seemed to attack him in an instant.

The embarrassing memory in the bathroom made him feel even more guilty now.

Listening to the breathing of senior Arthit, Kongphop almost exhausted all his strength to resist the urge to turn over and embrace him in his arms.

This long night is even more unbearable when the mind is restless. The clock on the wall is ticking, and I don't know how long it has been turning before the hour hand slowly turns one or two grids.

Kongphop finally couldn't hold back, turned over quietly, and looked at Senior Arthit's quiet side face by the moonlight.

Senior Arthit's breathing was very steady, it really didn't look like he was still asleep.

Could it be that, even in sleep, Senior Arthit's dependence on him has disappeared?

This recognition made Kongphop's heart tremble again, aching astringently.

Senior Arthit also turned over suddenly, face to face with him, breathing together.

Kongphop's heart beat wildly.

It seems that she is really asleep, otherwise how could she turn over towards him.

Just having the opportunity to look at Senior Arthit's eyebrows at such a close distance again, he couldn't help but feel a surge of gratitude in his heart.

Kongphop's eyes wandered greedily over Arthit's face, from the hairline, to the tip of the eyebrows, to the straight bridge of the nose...and finally landed on his full lips.

He also remembered the temperature above.

Kongphop's fists were clenched tightly, and he almost couldn't help but want to reach out, even if it was just to touch his face.

But at the moment when he was about to take action, Senior Arthit suddenly turned over again, leaving only his back.

Kongphop suddenly woke up.

Senior Arthit's back was still stiff.

He still wasn't asleep.

The turning around just now was probably just a momentary mistake.

"Senior Arthit." Kongphop's voice was very soft, but in this moment of silence, it still seemed a bit abrupt, "Is Senior Arthit asleep?"

Arthit didn't respond.

Kongphop had already expected this result.

He pretended not to see Arthit's disguise, and said again: "It's good that the senior is asleep, so that I can properly say sorry to you."

No, he obviously didn't think so in his heart.

All he wanted to do was to hug him from behind and beg him to come back.

But he can't.

Senior Arthit's choice to leave him seemed so right.

Perhaps Senior Arthit felt relieved too.

It would be too difficult for him to hug him now and beg bitterly.

For senior Arthit, the only thing that he can't let go of is probably his ambiguous attitude.

Even if he appears indifferent, Senior Arthit is kind after all.

The reason why I can't sleep until now is probably because Kongphop has been downcast all night.

Maybe, Senior Arthit was also afraid that he was really attracted to him.

As senior Arthit said, for seniors who no longer love him, if he is tempted, it will cause trouble for seniors.

The only thing he can do for Senior Arthit is to try not to become a problem for him to step into a new life.

"If I could have resisted not getting close to you back then, if I hadn't selfishly used you to miss him..." Kongphop always paused for a long time every time he said a sentence.

Because in this way, you can accumulate the strength to spit out the next lie.

"Sorry for everything."

I'm sorry... I didn't have the courage to embrace you when you were still looking forward to it.

I'm sorry... When happiness was so close to us, I still couldn't reach out to hold you after all.

So, you who don't love me anymore, you must be happy.

Because this has almost become the only meaning of my life.

☆、Chapter 20

Arthit felt like a fool.

He seems to have lost count of how many times he has been disappointed.

And just when he thought that he would finally have no hope anymore, and it was only because of Kongphop lying beside him, his determination couldn't help but loosen a little.

Tired, he thought at the time.

Pretending to be happy every day, really almost exhausted all his mind.

And as long as he turned around and leaned over, this tiredness would be over.

The big deal... is to continue the previous days.

And in those days, except for the deep thinking when there is no one else, in fact, most of the time can still be happy.

People are probably like this, obviously it is an experience that is not worth looking back, but once it is lost, you can still find clues of happiness from the memories.

Because after leaving Kongphop, he was not as calm as he thought he could let go.

When he actually turned around, Arthit's mind was actually in chaos.

He didn't know what he was expecting.

Are you waiting for Kongphop to really take that step and lean towards him, or are you waiting for yourself to give up.

But in the end, he couldn't help but turn around.

Because it's too sad for me to wait like that.

He was the one who wanted to be together at the beginning, and he was the one who wanted to leave later.

If I have the cheek to tell Kongphop now that I regret it, I'm afraid it will only make me more ashamed.

What is more ridiculous than willingly being someone else's stand-in.

Maybe there is, that is... At the moment when the breath blended, he was still expecting that Kongphop could reach out and hug him, and then tell him... During these days apart, he found that the person he loves is him.

But these are just his fantasies after all, ridiculous fantasies.

"I'm sorry..." He heard Kongphop say sorry word by word, and his heart ached like it was going to burst.

The self who was looking forward to returning to him just a moment ago is really a fool.

All along, Kongphop was just using him to miss that person.

You already know it tomorrow, don't you?

But why did he still feel as if all the bones in his body were aching at the moment when he said it out of his own mouth.

It broke our hearts.

This is probably what it feels like to really give up.

In the past, when he didn't hear Kongphop say these words himself, he still had some expectations.

No matter how small the expectation is.

And now, Kongphop extinguished that little flame.

Fortunately, Kongphop's apology came before he hugged him.

Otherwise, you may have to face another catastrophe.

In the darkness, Arthit, with his back to Kongphop, slowly opened his eyes.

No one saw it, and there was a winding tear in the corner of his eye.

"I understand the meaning of the senior, and I won't pester you because of what happened that day. I hope the senior can also avoid being discovered."

"I'm not afraid of you, but of myself. I'm afraid that I can't help approaching you, and I can't help hurting you..."

"Anyway, remember not to approach me..."

The more he was in such a painful moment, the more clear his memory became.

The words Kongphop once said burst into his mind word by word.

Yes... In the past, Kongphop reminded him more than once not to allow him to approach.

It was he who was self-righteous, thinking that he had met the right person, and couldn't help approaching him again and again.

Kongphop gave him so many chances to escape, but he pushed himself into the fire pit again and again.

When he was in pain, how could Kongphop feel better.

He was just a poor man who lost his lover, and it never occurred to him to hurt him intentionally.

Equally kind.

The only thing Kongphop can't do is fall in love with him.

Is it wrong to not be able to love him?

Sometimes, once you start to put yourself in the other person's shoes, many seemingly incomprehensible things become instantly forgivable.

If he stands in Kongphop's perspective, he will be with him uncontrollably.

After all... He and Nuan Nuan really look alike.

No sleep for one night.

The next day, after all, the two of them lost the strength to pretend to be happy.

Arthit slept in the room for most of the day, and Kongphop also went to M's room to lie there for a long time.

It wasn't until night fell again that they were dragged out of the door by their classmates.

On the last night at the beach, the students all seemed to cherish it very much, drinking and chatting together in small groups.

Kongphop looked at Arthit who was sitting with the senior group from a distance, but his heart felt very empty.

Last night's apology, he knew Arthit had heard it all.

But no response was received.

Probably...Senior Arthit didn't even think it was necessary to respond to him.

Thinking of these, Kongphop's heart became even more empty.

He broke away from the crowd and sat quietly by the sea alone.

The sea in the night looks even more vast, as if it could swallow the entire world.

If possible, he hoped that the waves could engulf him as well.

He was startled by a sudden burst of coldness behind his ears, and turned his head quickly.

Standing behind him was actually Arthit.

Senior Arthit held two glasses of iced drinks in his hand, although his face was still expressionless, he seemed a little less indifferent.

Senior Arthit handed him the cup of coffee that had been iced, and asked, "Do you want it?"

Kongphop's heart was beating wildly.

He hurriedly took the iced coffee, not knowing how to react.

Senior Arthit had already walked around to his side, and sat down shortly.

The senior held a glass of orange juice in his hand, and he seemed to have always liked this sweet thing.

Facing the sea, the two of them were silent for a long time, and Kongphop finally couldn't bear to speak first: "I... thought you would never talk to me again."

Senior Arthit's answer was not polite at all: "That's right, I originally thought so."

Kongphop felt a pain in his heart, and he withdrew the smile that had finally opened up a little bit: "Then senior, do you want to ask me for something?"

Senior Arthit smiled hastily, lowered his eyelids, and covered his emotions: "I heard what you said last night, and I accept your apology."

Kongphop froze for a moment, and then realized that he should have to smile at this time.

So he hurriedly showed a joyful expression, no matter how fake it looked: "Is what the senior said true? Did you really forgive me?"

But fortunately, at this moment, Arthit didn't have the heart to study his expression.

He glanced at Kongphop hastily, and smiled as if he didn't care: "I didn't care anymore, I don't want you to continue to feel guilty."

He clenched the cup in his hand, but he kept the smile on his face. He paused for a long time before continuing: "I'm not the same as your kind of unforgettable after all, there's nothing to worry about. But it's just a talk." A somewhat failed love affair is no big deal."

Listening to Senior Arthit's understatement, Kongphop's heart curled up again.

He bent his mouth, but in the end he failed to smile: "I..."

"Oh, that's enough," Senior Arthit interrupted him, "Let him get over the past, and we will be ordinary friends from now on."

After saying this, Arthit got up in a hurry and left Kongphop's side.

Because he was afraid that if he stayed for another second, the expression on his face would show clues.

It's really hard to pretend nothing happened at a time like this.

Feeling the gaze of Kongphop behind him, his footsteps can only be as idle as when he came.

It's just that the heart is trembling out of shape.

"Hey, Arthit, what's the matter with you? You've spilled all your drinks." Hearing Bright's shout suddenly, Arthit realized that he had crushed the glass completely without knowing it, and spilled the orange juice all over.

And he didn't realize it.

But fortunately, the distance is far enough now, Kongphop can't hear Bright's voice.

He hurriedly threw away the cup in his hand, and smiled at Bright: "Accidentally, why are you out?"

"Looking for you! Let's go and drink!" Fortunately, the person who came was the careless Bright, if it was not, he would definitely be seen through again.

Arthit was quickly dragged back to the table by Bright, with a full glass of beer stuffed into his hand.

"Cheers to a nice trip—"

"cheers--"

Arthit also drank it down, but the bitter liquor made him cough uncontrollably.

"What's the matter Arthit, just drink this little wine." Someone said beside him.

Arthit coughed until tears came out.

He nodded with tears in his eyes: "Yes... I'm drunk."

He was only drunk so his eyes suddenly blurred.

As everyone said, it was a really nice trip.

Because from then on, he no longer had a reason not to give up.

But fortunately, time has always been a good medicine to heal wounds.

They have been separated for so long, it would be too hypocritical to say that they still care so much.

The big deal is to continue walking like this, and at some point, he will meet another suitable person.

It's not a child anymore, how can I believe in the innocent fairy tale that if you love someone, you will love for a lifetime.

Even if Kongphop is standing in front of him now, he can confidently say, I really... don't care anymore.

You see, I can even style my hair generously to look like him, but it was just a failed relationship, just forget about it.

Forget it, just fine.

He will always wait until that day.

-------------------------------------------

Kongphop is really thankful that he said sorry to Senior Arthit that night.

Originally, he didn't expect that one day he would be able to be like this now, and be a pair of ordinary friends with senior Arthit who can meet and say hello from time to time, and occasionally talk and laugh at dinner parties.

Compared with the previous disappearance, it is really much better.

Although he is still evaluated by M as a walking dead, at least in front of Senior Arthit, he lives like a positive and good boy.

As long as this is enough.

In the library, Kongphop was looking for information among the many bookshelves when he suddenly heard a gentle female voice from behind: "Hello, Junior Kong."

He turned around and saw the person coming, and hurriedly saluted with clasped hands: "Oh, Senior Sister Berm."

"Are you okay? Sorry, I couldn't help you with the last trip." Sister Berm is a sophomore, and they didn't have a part in the last trip.

"Uh, it's okay, there's no need to say sorry." Kongphop said hastily, "I'm glad the change of accommodation didn't work out."

"Oh, that's right." Senior Sister Berm stroked her hair and nodded at him, "I heard that the teacher praised Senior Arthit for this, saying that you two get along well recently."

Kongphop pursed his lower lip: "It's not bad if we meet and talk happily."

"Why do you say that, I feel like there's something else going on." The senior sister frowned and patted Kongphop, "I said you, what's going on, I always feel that the atmosphere between you and Arthit is weird , whether it was when they had conflicts before or after reconciliation now, they are all as subtle as a couple."

Senior Berm's words made Kongphop's heart skip another beat.

In fact, where is the resemblance, they were really a couple.

It just didn't last.

The sad thing is that until the breakup, the relationship they had was still shady, as if they had never received any recognition.

A relationship that no one has ever witnessed, and once it breaks down, it's more like it never existed.

-----------------

"Hello, seniors." It was lunch time, and Kongphop bumped into the seniors who were out for food together, and hurriedly greeted them.

The seniors also saluted him one after another.

Kongphop's eyes searched between them subconsciously: "Oh, why didn't you see Senior Arthit?"

After confirming that there was no sign of that person, he couldn't help asking.

Hearing the name in his mouth, Senior Not frowned visibly, and only the whites of his eyes remained when he looked at him: "Arthit, he went on a date with a girl today, his childhood sweetheart."

"What's the matter? Is there something wrong?" Not looked at him again, and asked seemingly casually.

Kongphop no longer cared about his attitude.

The moment he heard that sentence, his heart had already dropped to the bottom of the valley in an instant.

"No..." Kongphop forced a smile and said.

But when he turned around, he no longer had the slightest appetite.

Senior Arthit, has he... already started dating?

Even though he was flustered, Kongphop couldn't help making excuses, maybe they were just friends... Not''s seniors said that she was a childhood sweetheart, and if they wanted to love, they should have fallen in love a long time ago.

It is normal to meet up with young friends.

The distraught Kongphop didn't realize at all that the self who had vowed to hope that Arthit senior would find happiness was now constantly looking for comfort for himself.

He had already made an appointment with M and Ork to have dinner together, but he didn't attend the appointment. He sent a brief message saying that he was not feeling well, then turned around and walked back to the apartment.

But what he didn't expect was that when he passed by the cafe on campus, he happened to see Senior Arthit talking happily with a girl.

The girl is very beautiful, with a sweet smile,

And senior Arthit looked at her with a rare pampering look in his eyes.

The girl's voice happened to come over: "Hey, otherwise, why would you agree to marry me? There were too many little girls around you back then, okay?"

Just this sentence has completely taken away all the feelings of Kongphop.

I was so sad that I could hardly stand up.

He was really afraid that if he stood here again, Senior Arthit would see him in such a mess.

Then the image of a good friend he has worked so hard to build may be completely destroyed again.

Kongphop left the door of the cafe as if fleeing, but he walked a long way, but only the girl's smiling words echoed in his mind.

"Otherwise, why would you agree to marry me?"

Then the tone of course.

And the smile on Senior Arthit's face at that time, he hadn't seen it for a long time.

So sincere.

--------------------------------

Kongphop had originally decided not to meet senior Arthit for a short time until he adjusted his mood.

Unexpectedly, the invitation to the wedding of Senior Tum and Senior Fon, who have already graduated, was sent over suddenly.

As Fon's classmate, Kongphop will of course attend.

As for Senior Arthit, let alone, he has always had a good relationship with Senior Tum.

This meeting seemed inevitable.

But he didn't know if he could face senior Arthit freely.

After all, a wedding is a ceremony that people use to determine happiness, and it is full of excitement from beginning to end.

The seniors and sisters shared their love stories on stage. From the beginning to the end, there were sweetness and sadness, but in the end they overcame many twists and turns and came together.

Being able to accept blessings in front of so many friends, how can one not be envious.

Arthit seemed happy tonight too, with a smile on his lips the whole time.

It can be seen that he is really happy for Tum and Fon.

When watching a friend gain happiness, people will unconsciously temporarily forget their own pain.

At this wedding, Kongphop didn't know many people, except for a few people with the classmate number, he could only mix with the senior group.

At some point, there was only Senior Arthit left beside him.

Senior Arthit was smiling even when he looked at him, which reminded him of the scene in the cafe again.

"Senior Arthit." He finally couldn't help but ask, "I have a question for you."

Noticing the seriousness on his expression, Arthit couldn't help but put away his smile a little bit: "What... do you want to ask?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Probably afraid of regretting himself, Kongphop asked bluntly, "That childhood sweetheart girl, do you like her now?"

He really didn't want to say the word "love".

Arthit's expression froze for a moment, but soon, he laughed again.

It's just that no matter how you look at that smile, it makes people feel a little erratic: "Well... I have always... always liked her since I was a child."

Saying that, Senior Arthit smiled and wrinkled his nose.

Such a cute gesture is really rare on him.

It can be seen that he has probably really let go of his knots: "Besides, I... I like girls in the first place."

As he spoke, he lowered his head and fiddled with his tie again.

Two college students who are still in school, there are not many formal clothes in the apartment.

What the two of them were wearing at this moment was exactly the outfit they wore on the day when they decided to be together.

Now standing together and discussing this topic seems to make people feel even more sad.

Neither of them was in the mood to continue the conversation, so they each made excuses and walked away.

They said a few words in total, but they caused a storm in each other's hearts.

It's just that they also don't understand what the other is thinking.

Arthit couldn't help but look at that person again through the crowd, his heart throbbed again and again.

He didn't expect that he could laugh and discuss his future with him so soon.

He and Dan...of course not the relationship Kongphop thought.

It's just a good friend of childhood sweetheart, and Dan already has a boyfriend with whom she likes each other.

As for what kind of marriage and so on, it is naturally just a joke when Tong Yan is wuji.

Still, if Kongphop wants to think so, let him think so.

Maybe he has a place to go, and Kongphop can really let go of the guilt in his heart.

So what does it matter.

If that's what you want, I can probably like anyone...

As long as you can feel at ease.

-----------------------------------

Kongphop thought that the short vacation after the finals would let him breathe a sigh of relief, but even though he had met with Senior Arthit at Senior Tum's wedding during the period, he still couldn't help but miss it.

Especially after hearing that Senior Arthit was sure that his heart really belonged, his chest seemed to have been hollowed out, and he couldn't feel the existence of his heartbeat.

During the one-month short vacation, he only stayed at home for a week, and he couldn't stay any longer. He packed his things early and returned to the apartment near the school.

Probably only where he could feel the breath of Senior Arthit, the sharp pain in his chest could be relieved.

The campus was very quiet during the holidays, and I didn't meet a few people after walking for a long time.

Kongphop traveled all over the corners where his fellow Arthit seniors had left their footprints, and wherever he went, the memories in his mind would come alive.

But when he thought that these pictures could only exist in his memory, he couldn't help feeling even more sad.

Kongphop's last stop was the training ground that left them with many memories.

The freshman training had already ended, and the place had been empty for a long time.

But no matter where he looked, he seemed to be able to recall the look of Senior Arthit standing in that position.

He still remembered that on the first day of school, when Senior Arthit walked up to him and stood up, he didn't order punishment in the end.

In fact, until now, he was a little curious about what the senior was thinking at that time.

With his temper, it really doesn't look like he would let such a reckless new student go easily.

But even when they were together, he couldn't ask.

His gaffe at that time was because of Nuan Nuan.

Any topic related to Nuannuan is a wound that they cannot touch.

Thinking of Nuannuan and Arthit at the same time at the same time, Kongphop's heart turned out to be a rare peace.

Maybe it's because Senior Arthit has stepped out of the shadow of where he is at the moment, so the guilt that has been entrenched in his heart for a long time can finally subside a little.

No more guilt, but more sadness.

But fortunately, these days, he has long been used to various emotions seesawing in his chest, and he is almost numb.

Sitting quietly on the training ground, Kongphop looked at the empty rostrum, but uncontrollably replayed the bits and pieces of his acquaintance with Senior Arthit in his mind.

That confusing encounter, the first night of confusion and love, the sweetness when the senior didn't know it, the heartbreaking kiss on the Rama VIII Bridge, the sudden separation, and the unexpected forgiveness... In the last scene, the senior told him that he already had a girl he liked.

Every frame of the picture is vivid.

But most of them can be heartbreaking.

Perhaps their encounter was really a mistake, and there are always far fewer happy and sweet moments than heart-wrenching memories.

But Kongphop still selfishly rejoiced that he had met senior Arthit once.

Even though Senior Arthit was more painful and happy when he was with him, he was still grateful.

This life is long, so let him selfishly occupy these few months of Senior Arthit's time.

Senior Arthit has recovered and left, and he can spend the rest of his life with these memories.

Kongphop couldn't help thinking of the day of the wedding, when he went back with Senior Sister Berm, he couldn't help asking: "If you feel heartache because your friend has a lover, what does that mean?"

In fact, he has always been clear about why they are just friends.

But he still wanted to say it through someone else's mouth as if he was trying to avoid it.

"If they are really just friends, shouldn't they be blessed?"

"It's impossible for a person to fall in love with two people at the same time, you know it very well."

Yes, he clearly knew.

He always knew.

But because of the guilt towards Nuannuan and the fear of being ungrateful and ungrateful, he weakly missed the opportunity to be with senior Arthit.

Looking back on everything from beginning to end, the only person he can blame is himself.

Senior Arthit already has someone he likes, so he... can only bless him, right?

But he could only feel that his heart was being twisted like a knife.

After sitting alone in the training ground for a long time, Kongphop finally returned to the apartment.

What he didn't expect was that he just glanced out of the window in a hurry, and saw two people who were completely unexpected to him.

Senior Arthit and his childhood sweetheart girlfriend.

It was obviously during the vacation, but for some reason, Senior Arthit also came back early.

Arthit's apartment is also in the nearby buildings. The girl seemed to drive him here on purpose. The two talked a few words by the side of the car, and Arthit opened the driver's door in a gentlemanly manner and let the girl sit in. .

The figure of them standing together looks like a perfect match.

So good that it makes people jealous.

It turns out that jealousy is so terrible.

Was it the same feeling when Senior Arthit knew Nuan Nuan existed?

He obviously wants to take people back to his side, but he is completely powerless against reality.

It seems that he is not qualified to have such emotions at all.

Kongphop stood there blankly until the sun went down, his mind was still in chaos.

At this moment, he almost uncontrollably wanted to go to Senior Arthit's side.

But he knew he couldn't.

Even if it is to listen to the sound.

Holding the phone in his palm for a long time, he restrained himself thousands of times, but in the end he still couldn't help dialing the number he had already known by heart.

The bell rang for a long time, so long that Kongphop was about to give up. Senior Arthit finally picked it up. Even the voice came hesitantly: "Hello, Kongphop."

Kongphop's heart trembled, and he gripped the phone tightly.

But no sound came out.

Senior Arthit waited for a while before speaking again: "Um...what's the matter with you?"

Is there a problem?

What can he say?

I beg Arthit senior not to love him