[First-year student] I am not him

Really boring.

Probably Kongphop will also think the same in his heart when facing him who is deliberately acting different from that person.

Once the problems that were originally neglected are faced squarely, the heart hurts as if it is about to split open.

It's finally over, between them.

But Arthit uncontrollably recalls every bit of his time with Kongphop.

His eyebrows, his gentleness, his smile... and the moment when he suddenly stood up among all the freshmen in the training ground.

At that moment, Arthit seemed to see that the person in front of him overlapped with the rain-drenched boy in his distant memory.

At that time, he thought that the boy stood up from the crowd and looked at him so seriously because...he also remembered the meeting in the rain.

And it wasn't.

Regarding the memory in the rain, Arthit seemed to press the pause button that day, and waited until the moment of reunion before finally continuing to play it gratefully.

However, the other person in the rain has already had a new encounter.

The most ridiculous thing is that you will probably never know that the so-called love at first sight, the person you met...

it's me.

☆、Chapter 19

A door separated them in two different worlds.

Kongphop sat leaning against Arthit's door all night, they didn't know that there was such a thin door between themselves and each other all night.

But it seems to be separated by thousands of rivers and mountains.

This day finally came, but Kongphop didn't feel at all the relief when he was exposed the truth.

When he thought of going back to the days when he could only watch from afar, there was only endless panic left in his heart.

If he hadn't experienced the security of being together day and night, he might never have imagined how reassuring it is to have that person by his side.

But all of this collapsed in an instant, without even giving him time to react.

Kongphop didn't know how long he had been sitting outside his door, until the sun set and rose, and the sky was bright, finally there was a little movement at the door.

Arthit had two classes this morning, he remembered.

Kongphop quickly got up from the ground.

Arthit obviously didn't expect that he was still waiting outside the door, his whole body froze for a moment, and the depression on his face immediately faded away, replaced by a full of impatience: "Why are you still here?"

Kongphop stood in front of him at a loss, but couldn't help but said: "Senior Arthit, let's not break up, okay?"

His tone was even a little humble.

Arthit seemed to have always been in the weaker position between the two, never expecting that one day he would hear such a humble prayer from Kongphop.

His heart beat violently, and the strength he had accumulated so easily was almost about to be knocked down.

But just before his heart softened, he pinched his palm hard.

He looked at the embarrassed Kongphop, but he still couldn't hold back, and asked that cheesy question: "Kongphop, have you ever fallen in love with me for so long, even for a second? I mean real me."

Kongphop didn't expect him to ask this question, and his expression couldn't help but pause.

But just this second of hesitation was enough to misunderstand Arthit, who was already extremely sensitive.

He stared at Kongphop without moving away, just looked at him like that, and sneered coldly: "Just because I look like him, do I deserve to be used as a substitute by you?"

"Arthit, I'm not..."

"I admit, I loved you at the beginning, but that's just how I am. When we were not together, I thought about it, but after living together for so long, I realized that you are nothing more than that." His There was no expression on his face, but it was precisely because of this that his words sounded more believable, "I didn't like it until I realized that revenge is meaningless. Who do you like, and what does it have to do with me?"

Kongphop's face turned pale.

He opened his mouth, but could not make a sound dryly.

"So that's it, it's a good thing you didn't fall in love with me, otherwise I don't know how to tell you, I'm tired." Arthit smiled again, his eyes seemed to move aside inadvertently.

If this sentence is true, during this separation, he probably lost face.

Kongphop reached out and grabbed his wrist: "Arthit, none of this is true, is it?"

The pleading in his eyes was so obvious.

But Arthit still pulled his wrist out of his palm.

"From now on, when we meet, just pretend we don't know each other. Even if someone you don't like is used as a substitute for someone else, it's really uncomfortable."

After speaking, Arthit closed the door and walked outside past him.

Kongphop clenched his fists tightly, and finally shouted out in a suppressed voice: "Arthit..."

Arthit's footsteps paused.

"I...I love..." Fuck you...

It's just that his ending sound was still between his lips and teeth, and it was already interrupted by Arthit.

"Why? In order to keep me as a substitute, do you even have to tell such a clumsy lie?" He didn't turn his head, so Kongphop couldn't see the tears that were already welling up in his eyes, "Kongphop, let's get together and break up, don't let me I despise you."

I don't want even your "I love you" to become so cheap.

This will only make me, who has never received that love, look even more pitiful.

Senior Arthit's words were like a basin of cold water mixed with ice cubes, pouring Kongphop thoroughly.

In fact, he subconsciously always knew that the two of them would one day spread everything out.

Even if he never thought about it, he had vaguely imagined all the possibilities when this day came.

It may be that senior Arthit finally couldn't stand it and had a big fight with him, or maybe he cried directly in front of him...

But no matter which one, for Kongphop, it can be redeemed.

Because it can be recovered, so there is no fear.

But he never thought that senior Arthit would stop loving him one day.

He can subdue when he quarrels, and he can coax him when he cries... Even, he has actually imagined in this vague induction that he will face up to his heart on this day, and sort out the past and the present clearly.

But if Senior Arthit doesn't love him anymore, what can he do?

Kongphop has never been so scary.

Seeing Arthit's back finally disappear around the corner of the stairs, he suddenly felt that he probably really lost him.

Coming out of Arthit senior's apartment, Kongphop went home, took a shower, cleaned himself up, and went to a place he was already very familiar with.

A warm cemetery.

He is used to dressing neatly every time he comes over, because he doesn't want Nuannuan's soul to worry about him and have no peace.

In the few months he was with Arthit, he had hardly been here.

Because every time I think of coming, I feel a sense of guilt for betraying Arthit.

However, this sense of guilt itself seems unfair to Nuan Nuan.

It's hard to have both.

After not coming for a while, some weeds had grown in front of Nuan Nuan's tomb, Kongphop squatted down, carefully cleaned up the weeds, and then sat beside the tombstone as before.

"Nuannuan..." He only called out Nuannuan's name, then silenced his voice.

Some words, in front of Nuan Nuan, are more difficult for him to say.

What is he going to say, that during these hours, he seems to be attracted to another person?Or is it that he has suffered retribution after all, that person just left him today?

No matter what the topic is, Nuan Nuan doesn't seem to be the one he should confide in.

But sitting here, his chaotic mood finally calmed down gradually, and many things were finally sorted out.

No matter what, Senior Arthit really wanted to be with him forever.

Even if he never said it, the feeling couldn't lie.

He obviously had the chance to grow old with Arthit, but in this day-to-day hesitation, he extinguished the hope that Arthit once held tightly.

Senior Arthit still doesn't love him after all.

But in the final analysis, he still failed to live up to his sincerity, which made him want to blame the impermanence of the world, but he couldn't find a reason.

Maybe it's right to let senior Arthit go.

As Arthit said, as long as he is with him, he can think of himself as Nuan Nuan's substitute.

Such a beautiful senior Arthit, how could he stay with him so begrudgingly all the time.

If it takes so much hard work to love him, then maybe not loving him is the best ending for Arthit.

What right did he have to drag him back into such pain again.

Kongphop closed his eyes, and that fateful encounter seemed to be reflected in his mind again.

It's just the smiling person under the transparent umbrella in his memory, but he can't help but overlap with the senior Arthit in his heart all the time.

He has vowed to himself countless times in his heart that he has always distinguished them clearly, but every time he thinks of that encounter, he is easily defeated again.

So he still can't tell the difference after all?

What qualifications does he have to love someone like this.

Because of that encounter, I liked rainy days for a long time afterwards.

On that rainy day, I thought I had met the happiness of this life, but in the end I realized that I, who failed two people, did not deserve happiness.

It's just that I still hope that after he leaves me, he can meet someone who loves him more than me and live a happy life.

-----------------------------------

Many things become easier once you decide to give up.

The two returned to their own worlds, too quickly.

However, Kongphop's ability to hide emotions seems to have been erased by this period of stable life. Even if he forces himself to smile in front of others, he will often go out of his mind again without knowing it.

For the first time, he knew that the reason why sadness can be hidden is often only because it does not come so strongly.

At the beginning, Kongphop would hide on the road that Arthit must pass by as usual, in order to see him once in a while.

But after being caught twice by Arthit, he had to give up this idea.

The impatient look in Arthit's eyes made him startled. For those who no longer liked him, all his actions seemed to be called obscene harassment.

As Arthit said, let's get together and hang out, at least don't let him look down on him.

It's just that he couldn't even see that person, and he lost even the last bit of ability to maintain normal emotions.

Like a wandering spirit.

The classmates around him saw that something was wrong with him.

The two people who were originally inseparable suddenly stopped seeing each other, and the occasional gatherings between the senior group and the juniors also found various excuses for both of them to avoid.

Even if everyone doesn't know why, they understand that there is another problem between them.

But fortunately, except for M who has always known the inside story, the others didn't really guess anything.

Kongphop doesn't want to let himself be troubled by Arthit's senior after breaking up.

Just going forward little by little, it is slowly reaching the end of the semester.

There has always been a tradition in the college. After the final exam, it's time for the juniors to take the first-years out for a trip.

And in order to strengthen the communication between the seniors and the first-year students, before the trip, the first-year students will draw lots to decide the seniors who will share the trip with them.

Of course, boys and girls are drawn separately.

When the lottery is drawn, the teacher sits in charge, making it difficult for people to cheat.

Kongphop didn't have any idea about the lottery at all, but when he thought of the future travel, his heart that had been silent could not help but clamor a little.

After being apart for so long, this was the only chance they had to get together again.

Everyone moves together, and even if they want to hide, they can't escape.

And he didn't want to hide at all.

Even though Arthit was still impatient looking at him, Kongphop wanted to take this opportunity to look at him again.

But he didn't expect that he would get Arthit's student number.

Looking at the number 0206 written on the opened note, his mind went blank for a moment, as if it took him a long time to understand what the combination of these simple numbers meant.

"Who is 0206?" The teacher's voice woke him up.

The expressions on the faces of Not and Tuta, who were in charge of recording, were suddenly a little subtle.

But still had to answer: "It's Arthit, teacher."

The teacher motioned them to write it down, but Kongphop couldn't help but panicked: "Teacher..."

But the classmates who rushed up from behind had already squeezed him out.

Sleeping with... Senior Arthit?

Thinking of this possibility, Kongphop's heart beat violently again.

But Kongphop also understands that Senior Arthit definitely doesn't want to live with him anymore.

But as a senior, he might have a bad impact if he applied for a substitution.

All he can do for him is the little things within his power.

After thinking about it for a long time, Kongphop still called his direct senior sister Berm.

Berm is very familiar with teachers and seniors, and asking her to help apply for a room change will have a higher chance of success than him himself.

Berm readily agreed: "Although there is no precedent before, it's just such a small matter, it shouldn't be too difficult."

But her words did not make Kongphop feel relaxed.

In fact, in the depths of his heart, what he really hoped for was to make this sleepover a reality that had to be fulfilled.

It's just such a dirty mind, he doesn't even want to admit it to himself.

Between the two exams, Kongphop was forced by M to go to the library to review together.

During this period of time, if there is no M, probably he will really be isolated from the world.

It's just that even if he is sitting next to his friends like now, he often only has himself in his world.

"Kong, Kong...Kong!" M's voice raised suddenly and finally called Kongphop back from his fugue.

He was startled, and when he looked over, he realized that his cell phone had been ringing under M's signal.

The name that flashed on the screen was Senior Sister Berm, and the same student number as him was written on the back, 0062.

Kongphop's heart suffocated.

Is the application approved?

"I'll answer the phone." He held the phone in his hand.

M nodded: "Go ahead, but... are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Kongphop replied quickly.

"What's the matter, it's like a walking dead," M sighed, and then asked, "Are you still worried about this trip? I don't know if you can change it."

M still doesn't know that he has asked Berm-senpai to help.

Tiw, who had been flipping through the review materials beside him, responded casually: "I don't think so."

"Tiw, you really know how to throw cold water," M winked at Tiw, "Can you write yours quietly."

Tiw was startled to realize what he had just said, and was a little embarrassed: "Uh... I'm just sharing information."

The ringing of the mobile phone had already silently stopped, and Kongphop smiled at them before leaving his seat.

Finding a quiet and unoccupied corner, and rubbing his fingers on the screen for a long time, Kongphop finally dialed the number.

As if waiting for a verdict.

"Hello?" Senior Berm picked it up immediately.

"Hello, Senior Sister Berm, I'm sorry I didn't receive your call just now."

"It's okay, I just want to tell you that I've asked you about your application for a roommate and replacement, and it doesn't seem to work." Berm's tone was somewhat apologetic.

After all, at the beginning, she boasted that things were easy.

Kongphop breathed a sigh of relief, only to realize that he had been holding his breath just now.

"Oh... do you know why?" His tone was normal, "Is there any possibility?"

"This, I don't know the details."

"I see, thank you."

The phone was hung up soon, and Kongphop stood there, looking calm, but his heart was overwhelmed.

If he fails to apply for a dorm change, does that mean...even the seniors can't persuade the teacher to change?

Would he still have that chance...to be next to Arthit again, to watch him fall asleep?

------------------------------------

"Why did you reject Arthit Ari's application, teacher." In the quiet and solemn office, a group of people in junior uniforms were sitting around the teacher's desk, and the person who was speaking now was Plame, "I think the lottery decides There is no need to be so strict about co-settling."

"That's right, teacher," Not quickly picked up the conversation, "It's okay if both parties want to switch, but it's just a small matter."

"A small matter?" It seemed that the teacher did not agree with their point of view, "So many people came to tell me a small matter?"

Several people immediately lowered their heads guiltily.

The teacher glanced at them before continuing: "It's not that I don't know how to accommodate. If someone else wants to change, it's okay. The two of them have already had problems, and if they don't accept the lottery result for no reason, it will definitely attract others' attention."

As he said that, the teacher sighed again: "The lottery was originally for fairness, so that seniors and juniors can communicate well. There has never been a precedent for applying for a room change in previous years. Although I don't know what happened between him and Kong Conflicts, but as a senior, you have to take the initiative to resolve conflicts, okay?"

The teacher's words sound reasonable and well-founded. Even if there are many people, they can't refute half a sentence.

"I hope that when you come back from your trip, the two of them can reconcile as before. I'll go to class first." The teacher obviously didn't want to fight, so he got up and left the office, leaving a few people looking at each other.

"Why is it so troublesome for such a small matter." Bright scratched his hair with a headache, "How about this, we don't go through the teacher, and secretly change people?"

Tuta shook his head and said, "If the two of them didn't apply to the teacher at first, there might be hope for a secret exchange. Now that this matter has attracted the attention of the teacher, if they change again, it will definitely reach the teacher's ears."

Tuta's words made everyone's faces even more ugly.

Not took a deep breath: "Forget it, some things always have to be faced, maybe it's a good thing to give them a chance to get along."

Hope... it's a good thing.

-------------------------

This is probably really bad luck.

Ever since he knew that he couldn't escape the co-studio, Arthit felt as if there was a heavy stone in his heart, making him unable to breathe.

But he didn't show it.

By now, several of his friends already knew about his relationship with Kongphop, it would be too embarrassing if he looked lost again at this time.

"Hey, didn't I say it was too good to hide your affairs? Or am I too slow?" Plame sat opposite Arthit, with a reflective face, "I...actually wanted to apologize and made fun of you before. "

Arthit stirred the straw in the pink panna cotta in front of him, seemingly unaffected, "Don't worry, I don't care."

Yes, until now, he still orders pink panna cotta.

But it is no longer to please Kongphop.

From now on, he should probably learn to become what he likes.

Never be influenced by anyone again.

"That's right!" Plame finally breathed a sigh of relief, "Tsk tsk tsk, I knew my Arthit was an unbeatable Xiaoqiang, so you should lead the team on this trip."

Arthit knew that he was trying to amuse himself on purpose, so he burst out laughing in unison: "It's me again? Waiting for me right here?"

"I just……"

"It's just leading a team, is it that difficult?" Arthit looked at him with a helpless smile.

It's just that this smile is just a show.

Seeing his smile, Plame was very relieved: "It's right to smile like this, um, let me say, Arthit, you should continue to maintain this state, since you can't avoid it, face it well, let him understand that we are not wrong He can't, and he doesn't care if he sees him."

After Plame finished speaking, he left first.

After making sure that he couldn't see his expression, the smile on Arthit's face gradually disappeared involuntarily.

Maybe Plame is right, just pretend not to care.

Now he is already familiar with acting.

The best one is probably the one that I don't like anymore.

-----------------------------

The reunion after a long time was not as thrilling as Kongphop imagined.

He was standing in the crowd, watching Senior Arthit and his friends approaching laughingly, and for a moment, he felt some indescribable warmth in his heart.

Arthit seemed to be a little thinner than when they just separated, but the smile on his face was ostentatious, and instantly covered up the thinness.

His bangs are even down.

Kongphop couldn't help but think of that night, the senior Arthit who purposely got himself drunk and stayed by his side looked up at him, asking him for hairspray with aggrieved and forbearance.

The senior Arthit at that time must have loved him very much.

But loving him brought only pain to Senior Arthit.

But now the seniors don't care about these things anymore, Kongphop can't tell whether he is disappointed or relieved in his heart.

But it's always good to make the seniors happy.

He also fantasized that after the separation, senior Arthit could be sad for a long time, which at least proves that the senior still has him in his heart.

But seeing Arthit in high spirits now, he felt extremely lucky.

A senior who doesn't love him is probably closer to happiness.

That's enough.

Even though he missed him very much, Kongphop didn't dare to stare at him for too long, and he felt a burst of satisfaction in his heart when he glanced at him occasionally.

The students around me also went to say hello to the group of seniors, and Senior Arthit also had a big smile on his face.

But they didn't even look at him.

In order to avoid embarrassment, Kongphop simply walked away from the students. After everyone got into the car, he entered the car door under the urging of the senior sister in charge.

Then he saw the figure of Senior Arthit at a glance.

Arthit sat with Senior Bright.

Senior Bright was always restless, even when he was sitting in his seat, he was poking his head up and looking out, but Senior Arthit, who was sitting outside him, happened to raise his head.

thumping--

Kongphop heard his heartbeat suddenly increased.

How long had it been since they hadn't looked at each other like this.

Just at this glance, it seems that people have been waiting for a lifetime.

It also makes people want to see eternity just like this.

However, senior Arthit obviously didn't have his thoughts, and turned his eyes indifferently in just a few seconds.

Kongphop's heart seemed to miss another beat the moment he turned away.

He lowered his head, walked past senior Arthit with heavy steps, and chose to sit in the empty seat closest to the senior.

From this angle, you can clearly see the profile of Senior Arthit.

But as long as the senior doesn't look back, he won't be able to see him.

As if it was specially prepared for his selfishness.

Sitting in the next seat is May, a girl from the same class.

As soon as she saw him, May enthusiastically handed over the snack in her hand: "Do you want some dried durian?"

Kongphop shook his head subconsciously: "I don't eat durian."

After finishing speaking, his whole body stiffened involuntarily.

The one who doesn't like durian is not him, but Arthit.

He actually liked it quite a bit before, once he bought one back, Arthit didn't go to his apartment for a week, and he was determined not to get close to him that night.

Since then, he has never eaten durian again.

Compared with that person, giving up one favorite thing is actually nothing.

It's just that he didn't expect that his habit had been formed, but that person no longer belonged to him.

Senior Arthit, who was only a step away from him, obviously heard this sentence, and turned his head in his direction, but he didn't look over after all.

Kongphop felt like he was sitting on pins and needles.

To senior Arthit who no longer liked him, what he said just now was probably more like a self-indulgent flattery.

Maybe it will annoy him.

In order to break this embarrassment, Kongphop took out a pack of seaweed from his backpack and handed it to May beside him: "Do you want to eat this?"

But after sending it out, I realized that the snacks I brought were also Arthit's favorites.

These habits are so deeply rooted that they cannot be concealed.

Senior Arthit glanced over again, but this time he didn't look back.

Under his gaze, Kongphop felt like a glow on his back, and the muscles all over his body couldn't help but tense up.

He really didn't want to embarrass him by showing his old love unforgettable in front of senior Arthit.

But there was nothing he could do about the situation in front of him.

Senior Arthit might be more repulsive of the night's sleepover because of his performance, right?

Thinking of this possibility, Kongphop was even more stuck in his throat.

For the rest of the drive, he never dared to look in the direction of Senior Arthit again.

Fortunately, May has been finding topics to chat with him, so that he can act like a normal person.

The place of travel is not too far from the school, beside a vast and clear sea.

When they were with senior Arthit, the two of them thought about taking a trip to the seaside together, but they couldn't do it for a long time.Unexpectedly, that casual promise would come true after breaking up.

Suddenly feel sad.

But Kongphop never revealed the sourness in his heart.

Senior Arthit has always been the focus of the crowd. Not long after sitting by the beach, a group of school girls surrounded him to listen to him sing.

The senior rarely smiled brightly.

When we were together, he had never seen such a smile from the senior.

Thinking that senior Arthit made the right choice to leave him, Kongphop didn't know whether to be relieved or sad for a while.

Not wanting to be seen by Arthit senior, Kongphop kept smiling in the crowd.

Even though they are close to each other, he suddenly felt that he and senior Arthit were like two people who had never met before, in two worlds, each at their own leisure and joy.If we can never meet again, it will be full of beauty.

only……

It's all an illusion.

----------------------------

All day, the two of them seemed to be having a great time.

Even at night, they were still crazy around the bonfire with everyone until midnight, and waited until the end of the song, and finally returned to the room dawdlingly.

At the end of the day, they hardly even looked at each other, making it even more awkward to be in the same room.

"Senior Arthit... you go take a shower first." Kongphop had nothing to say.

Arthit hummed in a low voice, and went into the bathroom with a change of clothes.

Kongphop went to the balcony alone, but his heart could not be calm.

It was a coincidence, because there were too many students traveling this time, and the standard rooms in this hotel were not enough, so the senior sister who was in charge of booking the rooms asked for a few extra double rooms.

For the sake of fairness, the senior sister simply put the room cards together and asked everyone to take them randomly.

Who would have thought that his luck would be so good, and he would draw one of the few cards.

The thought of sharing the same bed with Senior Arthit later made him feel a little short of breath.

Kongphop touched his pocket distractedly, and then he remembered that he had already given up smoking under the force of senior Arthit.

So at this moment of distraction, he couldn't even find any sustenance.

Senior Arthit didn't stay in the bathroom for too long, but it was different from before. When he came out, he had already put on his T-shirt and shorts.

The relationship between the two was different from before, and even more embarrassing than ordinary seniors and juniors. Of course, he couldn't simply come out with a bath towel around him.

Kongphop understands the truth, but when he thinks that the two of them are so strangers, he still feels sore in his chest.

After Senior Arthit came out, he took off his shoes and went to bed without saying hello to him.

Kongphop took the change of clothes, and before entering the bathroom, he still couldn't help but say, "Senior Arthit, let's blow your hair before going to sleep."

Except for the drunken night when they just decided to be together, in fact, Arthit senior didn't bother to dry his hair every time he took a shower.

Almost every night, Kongphop pressed his hands to help.

But with their relationship now, of course it's not suitable for such an intimate drama.

Arthit didn't even raise his head, and continued to lean on the bedside to look at his phone, and of course he didn't intend to answer.

Kongphop's heart twisted again, and his footsteps paused again before he finally entered the bathroom.

Arthit probably didn't use the bathtub, just took a shower under the shower.

Water stains were everywhere on the floor, and the whole bathroom was filled with steam.

It seemed that the air was full of his smell.

During the time we were together, he carried Arthit to the bathroom countless times, and as long as he closed his eyes, he could recall every detail of Arthit.

………………

There are too many memories about the bathroom.

…………

He never liked to cry.

For a man, crying is probably the most desperate performance.

Once crying, it also represents weakness and incompetence.

During this period of time, he has lost his soul, and he is absent-minded... But he never let himself cry.

But now, at a place only a wall away from Senior Arthit, he finally couldn't help letting himself burst into tears.

Because, he is really helpless.

even close