[First-year student] I am not him

Looking at the place where I kissed, looking at the rippling river surface caused by the rain, I felt an indescribable peace in my heart.

It was here that he vowed to make Kongphop fall in love with him, and now, let's completely put an end to this remnant here.

It can be regarded as a beginning and an end.

The rain didn't know when it gradually stopped, and there was only the last stop where they left their memories.

The seaside where they once shook hands and made peace.

Arthit got on the bus to the beach by himself. Before getting on the bus, he went to the convenience store next to the station and bought a glass of pink panna cotta in a glass bottle.

The glass bottle has just been taken out of the refrigerator, and there is a layer of fine and dense water droplets on it, and even this point is exactly the same as the one Kongphop bought for him back then.

Arthit put the straw into the glass bottle and took a quiet sip.

The same feeling seemed to bring his memory back to that day in an instant.

That was the first time Kongphop brought pink panna cotta to him.

At that time, his eyes seemed to be shining with stars when he smiled.

At that moment, looking at the stars in Kongphop's eyes, Arthit thought, How long has it been since I drank this?

For so many years, he never thought that one day someone would hold it in front of him and say, I just think you are suitable.

So the moment he heard it, he understood that he was deeply trapped in the starry eyes of the person beside him.

At that time, I thought that there was finally someone who understood what I really wanted; finally there was someone who could let me like it without worrying...

Who needs to give it to.

----------------------------------

Kongphop stayed alone in the apartment for two whole days.

In the past two days, he didn't even go to class, and organized his thoughts carefully.

Once many things that are avoided even subconsciously are exposed, they are unavoidable, and people often have the courage to undertake them several times more than they imagined.

Even when he thought about it, he couldn't help but hate his escape.

If he could face up to this possibility earlier, at least he could have accompanied Senior Arthit to endure those sufferings at that time.

If he had been braver then, maybe Senior Arthit would have believed his sincerity.

But now, everything has been messed up by him.

And at that time, he still had the face to feel wronged.

The overwhelming guilt swept towards Kongphop again, as if to overwhelm him.

It's just that after all the guilt and sorrow had settled, he still felt an unprecedented sense of joy.

Destiny still favors those who are alive after all.

The person Senior Arthit loves is still him.

For all the concessions he had thought about, the biggest premise was that senior Arthit had walked out of his love for him and found another happiness.

But now, Dan told him that Arthit never changed.

They are still in love, and this is probably the greatest meaning left by this painful encounter.

Even if there are pains and tears, even if there are still hardships, but fortunately, Senior Arthit still has him in his heart.

He has no reason to give up.

It's just that Kongphop also understands that if he wants to make Arthit senior accept him again, it is not enough to rely on this simple sentence of "love each other".

It may be difficult for Senior Arthit to trust his feelings anymore.

But so what, if Arthit doesn't forgive him for a day, he will wait by his side for a day, if he doesn't forgive him for a year, he will wait for a year...

The longest is just a lifetime.

Being able to chase him by his side for a lifetime is already much better than being a stranger.

After doing so many wrong things, he is still loved by senior Arthit and has the opportunity to chase after him, which is already a blessing.

In two days, Kongphop sorted out all the emotions, and finally, there seemed to be a steady stream of courage in his chest.

He understood that he must no longer be weak and shrink back, but he still couldn't figure out how to make Arthit let down his guard.

But no matter what, he couldn't help but want to see him at this moment, even if he didn't say anything, just look at him.

A simple phone call seemed unable to express the surging thoughts in his heart. Even though it was still raining outside the window, Kongphop still went out with the transparent umbrella.

The little bear on the umbrella is a bit worn out, but Kongphop has always been very careful in preserving it.

This is the first time Kongphop used the umbrella after knowing that the person he met was Arthit.

With this completely different feeling, the little bear seemed to have a different weight than before, making Kongphop's heart full.

He walked to the door of Arthit's apartment and knocked for a long time, but there was no sound in the room.

Senior Arthit didn't have class today, and Kongphop thought he would stay in the apartment in this weather.

He couldn't find anyone, so he could only make a phone call.

"Sorry, the person you dialed has switched off, please try again later."

The only thing coming from the phone was this cold robotic female voice.

Only then did Kongphop panic.

At this moment, he seems to have forgotten that there are other seniors' numbers in his mobile phone, and he ran around the campus looking for them.

I searched almost every corner that senior Arthit frequented, and finally, I met senior Not at the door of the library who was about to leave just now.

Seeing Senior Not's expression as usual, Kongphop finally let go of half of his heart. It seems that senior Arthit is fine at least.

He took a slow breath, trying to make himself look more natural: "How is Senior Arthit recently?"

The senior group has always been disgusted with him, and if he directly asks about Arthit's whereabouts, he is also afraid that Senior Not will be on guard.

After all, in their eyes, he has always been in the position of hurting Arthit and has never changed.

But what he didn't expect was that Not took the initiative to say to him: "Arthit... said he wants to go out for a walk alone."

After Not finished speaking, he turned and left.

Kongphop's heart throbbed again because of his words.

For two whole days, he was immersed in his emotions, but he forgot that at the same time, Senior Arthit was still suffering.

The fact that Senior Arthit has been trying his best to hide all this time, was stabbed in front of him by Dan.

Arthit, who has always been so face-saving, may be digging into a dead end again.

Senior Arthit is most afraid of showing his embarrassed side in front of him, but he doesn't understand that in Kongphop's eyes, he has never been embarrassed for a moment.

But thinking of Senior Arthit's eyes dimming in front of him every time, Kongphop couldn't help feeling a throbbing pain in his heart.

In fact, almost every time, he could see Arthit's sudden depression, but it never gave him any comfort.

On the one hand, it was due to weakness, and on the other hand, it was because Senior Arthit would not believe it at all.

Saying a few love words to coax him at that time will only make Senior Arthit feel that he is more hypocritical.

Looking back now, I am full of regrets.

Senior Arthit said he wanted to go out for a walk alone, where would he go?

Thinking of the possibility in his heart, Kongphop inevitably panicked again.

If Arthit senior really went to the place they walked together as he thought, at this moment, he thought that Arthit would not be out of nostalgia.

Not for nostalgia, but for... goodbye?

Kongphop hailed a taxi in a panic, and searched for places where Arthit senior might go.

The street where they went shopping together, the restaurant where they ate together, the street corner where they met for the first time... were all empty.

Finally, Kongphop boarded the bridge in memory.

The rain in the sky has stopped, but the air after the rain is still humid.

Here, there is still no sign of Senior Arthit.

But Kongphop was still obsessed, and stood firmly at the place where they had kissed.

He still remembers the feeling of that kiss.

That day, Senior Arthit grabbed his tie and kissed him without warning.

The lips of the two were lightly pressed together, and neither of them went further.

That was probably the most innocent kiss they had ever experienced, but at that moment, his heart was beating like it was about to burst his chest.

Senior Arthit told him, I will make you fall in love with me, Mr. Kongphop.

These clear memories actually calmed Kongphop's flustered heart gradually.

With his hands on the railing of the bridge, he thought silently, you've done it, Mr. Arthit.

So, still on this bridge, even though I don't have you by my side today, I still want to make another vow like you did that day.

This time, let me say it.

I will definitely get you back to me, Mr. Arthit.

Throughout his life, never give up.

--------------------------------------

The night gradually fell, and the endless ocean seemed even more unfathomable in the boundless night.

Arthit sat on the beach, quietly looking into the distance.

The last time he sat here, there was another person beside him.

But fortunately, that memory was not sweet. In comparison, sitting here alone did not make people feel more bleak.

Throughout the day, his mood was also like this weather, whether it was raining or not, it was gloomy and breathless.

All the memories went through his mind like a revolving lantern, and he thought that he would be able to say goodbye to the past in a serious manner without any trouble.

But sadly, even now, he still feels sad.

He didn't want Kongphop's sympathy, and he knew it was right to leave.

But understanding and accepting are often two different things.

When he thinks that he will never have Kongphop to participate in his future life, he can't suppress a feeling of powerlessness in his heart.

This kind of powerlessness is not a pure emotion, but... I no longer have any expectations for the long life in the future.

He knew that he should live well, for his family, for his friends.

But no longer for himself.

I used to think that love was nothing more than that, stay together if you like it, and separate if you don't like it.

But after really experiencing it, I realized that in the world of feelings, it is not just as simple as loving or not loving.

Even if you love that person again, there are some things that you can't turn a blind eye to.

In other words, it was because he loved him so much that he couldn't let him continue to imagine the existence of another person through himself.

There was no way to accept the sympathy in his eyes anymore.

Arthit sighed and lowered his head slowly.

At this time, there was a sound of gentle footsteps behind him.

This beach is already crowded with people, so it is not very clean. It is not surprising that someone walked by.

But at that moment, his heart skipped a beat.

Immediately afterwards, I heard the person behind shout: "Senior Arthit."

It's Kongphop.

He turned his head and looked at the person standing in front of him, thinking that he was in a hallucination.

He stretched out his hand subconsciously, but the moment he was about to touch Kongphop, he woke up instantly.

Arthit stood up abruptly, passed Kongphop, and walked forward quickly.

Kongphop hurriedly chased after him.

"Senior Arthit...Senior Arthit!"

After the initial panic, Arthit finally understood that it seemed that his own escape was not the way to go.

He stopped and turned around, but the expression on his face was like a huge storm was brewing.

But behind these storms, only he himself understands that if it is not supported by this kind of external performance, he will not be able to face the person in front of him at all.

In the deepest part of his heart, what he wants to do most is to hug him tightly, even if he loses all his dignity, he only wants to ask him to fall in love with himself.

But reason told him clearly that even if he loses his dignity, he cannot get love.

So this disgusting thought becomes even more ridiculous.

Kongphop didn't understand his struggle, but he could clearly see the anger on his face.

His footsteps also stopped, and he explained anxiously: "I'm sorry, I... I know I shouldn't follow, but I can't control myself, I miss you so much, I'm going crazy if I don't see you again .”

Arthit never imagined that Kongphop would say these words in the first place.

He said he missed him, and he said he would go crazy if he didn't see him again.

Such touching love words, if it was a long, long time ago, he would probably feel ecstatic when he heard it.

Even now, it still makes his heart vibrate fiercely.

He wanted to believe it so much, but he knew he couldn't.

Arthit took a deep breath and stared at the person in front of him without blinking: "I think you are crazy, do you know what you are talking about?"

Kongphop met his gaze without flinching: "I know."

Looking at the seriousness in his eyes, it seems that what he said was not mixed with any lies.

Arthit still could only try to tell himself that he couldn't believe it.

"You miss me? Is it because you know that I'm the one who lent you the umbrella?" He could only force himself to face him like this, otherwise, he was afraid that he would really not be able to hold on. What are your days together?"

These words are not so much for Arthit to question Kongphop, but rather to remind him of himself.

Is everything Kongphop is saying now a lie?Maybe not quite.

Kongphop has never been someone who deliberately deceives him. The reason why he said this may be because he is also confused.

Confused about whether the person I love is the Arthit who first met him under the umbrella, or the Nuan Nuan who got along with him day and night later.

He can be confused, but Arthit dare not let himself be confused with him.

How could the hasty side in the rain be worth the many days and nights that Nuan Nuan spent with him.

He had already exhausted all his strength and could no longer accompany Kongphop to open the bet.

If he loses the bet again, he might really do it, and he won't even have the strength to live.

Nuan Nuan is gone, he can't let his parents lose him again.

He has to live well.

Love is not the whole of life.

"As for me..." Arthit took a deep breath, he understood what kind of expression could make him look more indifferent, "Do you really understand what I'm thinking? After listening to Dan's words, I'm afraid you think of me as some kind of sacrifice My good brother, right? It's a pity that your sympathy was given to the wrong person."

He didn't... need that kind of sympathy at all.

Kongphop opened his mouth, as if he wanted to say something, but Arthit interrupted his intention in the next second.

"Since I was a child, the person I hate the most is Nuan Nuan, who hates me so much that I don't hesitate to go to a strange place to live by myself," these words, even Arthit himself seem to be unable to tell the truth from the fake, "Did you never think But why should I still be with you afterwards?"

Kongphop lowered his eyelids, as if contemplating his words.

Arthit didn't give him time to think about it, and he clearly said the answer: "Because I'm not reconciled."

Kongphop looked up at him abruptly.

Arthit's heart sank.

See, such a him must be despised by others.

But this is also good, after recognizing this kind of him, Kongphop won't even have the slightest confusion.

From now on, they will be strangers in the world and have nothing to do with each other.

"Obviously I like everything, why was it all taken away by him?" Arthit spoke with great difficulty, "Sometimes I often think, if only I was the one who got lost in the first place."

Arthit could no longer continue to stand face to face with him, and after saying this, he turned around and left in a hurry.

This time, Kongphop finally didn't stop him again.

How could it be stopped again.

Knowing me who is so unbearable, I'm afraid you won't even have the last bit of sympathy anymore.

I'd rather be a stranger from now on, and I don't want to see your sympathetic eyes every time we meet.

Once upon a time, eyes that shone like stars.

☆、Chapter 23

Arthit rushed all the way back to the hotel room.

But what makes people feel uncomfortable is that he even booked the same room as the one he shared last time.

At that time, for some reason, I asked the front desk if this room was still available. After I got a definite answer, I was already too embarrassed to change it.

And the result of being thin-skinned is that until now, Kongphop has seen it as a joke.

But it was late at night, and it would be too pretentious to change the room overnight, Arthit could only pray that Kongphop didn't even know which room he lived in.

As soon as he entered this empty room, his straight back seemed to have no strength anymore, Arthit slid softly on the ground, his mind was full of Kongphop staring at him just now.

The stars in his eyes seemed to twinkle even more at that moment.

But maybe it was shock.

Shocked that he has such a bad side too?

But this is the real Arthit.

He's actually... a bad guy too.

It's just that even he can't remember when he started, and he no longer has the thoughts of reconciling with Nuan Nuan.

At the beginning, I really wanted Nuannuan to love him as before, but later, the resentment still piled up little by little.

He hated himself for losing Nuannuan in the first place, hated himself for not being able to stop fighting for Nuannuan, and even... hated himself for still running away in the end.

Obviously, as long as he turns around, he can snatch them all back, no matter what he likes or what he wants to be.

But until the end, he would just hide.

What he hates the most is the self who has suffered so many grievances and accumulated so much resentment, but still can't bear to really hurt Nuan Nuan.

Even, during the year he stayed abroad, he had quietly made up his mind that after returning to China, he must return to his true self.

He owes Nuan Nuan, after so many years, he should pay it off.

But he never thought that when he came back, Nuan Nuan had already left this world.

He can't help but think about the last side with Nuan Nuan.

At that time, Nuan Nuan suddenly came to China to look for him. Obviously, in more than a month, he will return to Thailand.

With Nuan Nuan's character, he definitely wouldn't come suddenly at this time, but although he felt strange, he didn't think deeply about why.

Thinking about it later, that meeting seemed like a farewell that was already destined in the dark.

If he had known that it was the last side, he would not have pretended not to care, and deliberately refused to take another look at Nuan Nuan.

Parents were afraid that he would not be able to survive abroad alone, so they waited until he came back before telling him the news of Nuan Nuan's death.

But for a long time since then, he refused to believe that Nuan Nuan was dead.

His first reaction was that it must be fake.

With Nuan Nuan's temperament, he would not feel surprised if he did anything out of the ordinary.

Thinking about his sudden visit as if to say goodbye, Arthit felt even more that this accident must have been premeditated.

Although he couldn't figure out why Nuan Nuan was doing this.

He stubbornly searched for Nuan Nuan for a long time, but in vain.

In the end, Jay didn't listen to his parents' dissuasion, and showed him the tragic photos of the scene at that time.

He seemed to have to believe it.

Even if Nuan Nuan's mind has a dark side, it's impossible to bring so many people to his funeral.

Nuan Nuan left, and he never had a chance to tell him that in fact, I have been jealous of you since I was a child.

That day, he went to Nuannuan's cemetery and cried for a long time alone. From childhood to adulthood, he didn't know that he would be so hysterical.

"Whoever allowed you to die like this! I haven't said it yet, I hate you! I hate you! Come out and explain everything clearly to me!" He no longer remembered what happened to him in front of Nuannuan's tombstone that day. I said something, but these few words seem to be repeated all the time.It seems that Nuan Nuan can really come back to life after hearing his words.

Whoever allowed you to die like this.

I haven't made it clear to you yet, but I actually hate you so much.

But you left me forever as a victor.

At that time, he really thought so.

Even though Nuan Nuan is dead, he can still have such dark thoughts.

But later, he still couldn't help thinking, come back, as long as you come back, I can do it too, and let you live like this for the rest of my life.

I think this is just another trick of yours.

No matter what you want this time, I can give it to you.

As long as you are alive.

However, Arthit also hated himself for being like this.

Why is it that when it is time for the rain to clear up, he still remembers the existence that he has always regarded as a shadow for more than ten years.

Even if he wanted to be a bad guy, he couldn't do it thoroughly.

Obviously, as long as he thinks about it, fortunately he is dead, he can be happy.

But he couldn't think of it anyway.

Just spent the middle of the night thinking wildly, but there was a sudden noise outside the door.

Originally Arthit was not going to pay attention, but someone knocked on the door.

He rubbed his face vigorously, went to open the door, only to find that Kongphop and several hotel staff were standing outside.

Seeing him appear, a man who looked like a manager quickly saluted and said, "I'm sorry to bother you so late, but this man has been sneaking around your door all night. He said he knew you, but he refused to let him We will check with you. If you do not know him, we will call the police immediately."

Kongphop drooped his head and explained in a low voice: "Senior Arthit...I'm just sitting here."

Arthit suddenly felt a headache.

He also hoped that Kongphop would not know that he lived in this room, but instead he sat outside all the time.

He closed his eyes and said to the manager: "We know each other, so we don't need to call the police."

The manager suddenly looked clear.

"When a couple quarrels, at least ask him to bring some money before driving out. Ask him to open another room and say he doesn't have enough money, and he won't even knock on the door to call you. Otherwise, we wouldn't be so suspicious."

Kongphop: "..."

Arthit pulled the man into the room with a headache, shutting everyone else out.

Kongphop lowered his head, his voice full of apology: "I'm sorry, Senior Arthit, I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"What on earth do you want to do! You've been standing outside my door, no wonder you're being treated as a pervert!" Arthit was glad that he still had the mood to reason with him.

Kongphop murmured, "I came out in a hurry... I really didn't bring enough money. And..." I'm afraid you'll disappear again.

He wisely didn't say the last half of the sentence.

Arthit stroked his hair vigorously, turned around and buried himself on the bed, it seemed that he didn't want to talk to him anymore.

He blamed himself for being soft-hearted for letting people in, but he couldn't just watch others really send him to the police station.

By accident, the two lived in this room again.

He still remembered the sorry Kongphop said last time.

With that memory, getting along with each other now seems even more unbearable.

Obviously just showed him his dark side, yet he had to be in the same room like this.

Arthit would rather just fall asleep like this.

But it is also difficult to fall asleep.

The other corner of the bed caved in again, and it seemed that another person had already shamelessly climbed up.

Arthit originally wanted to drive people away, but when he thought that there seemed to be no decent sofa in this room, he could only remain silent again.

Even now, he is still compromising step by step.

In front of Kongphop, he never seemed to have any backbone.

"Senior Arthit." Kongphop who was lying beside him suddenly said.

Arthit waited silently for him to continue.

Kongphop turned over and looked at him fixedly: "Nuannuan left, you must be the saddest one."

All the muscles in Arthit's body tensed up.

He didn't expect Kongphop to mention Nuan Nuan to him in such a calm way.

Nuan Nuan has always been the most taboo topic between them.

But, apart from him, who else can Kongphop mention.

They are the two people who know Nuan Nuan best in this world.

Being able to bring it up to him so calmly may just show that Kongphop has already looked down upon the entanglement between the two of them.

Arthit clenched his fists, and was silent under his gaze for a long time before finally saying each word: "I have been jealous of him since I was a child. Why should I be sad when he dies."

He often used this sentence to comfort himself, but it was always useless.

It might finally be useful to use it to destroy his image in Kongphop's heart today.

But what he didn't expect was that at the next moment, Kongphop held his fist in his hand in the dark.

Arthit shuddered.

All his disguises seemed to be broken in this grip, and there was nowhere to hide.

While he was in a daze, Kongphop's slender fingers involuntarily stuck between his fingers, interlocking his fingers.

Arthit tried hard to pull it out, but was restrained and couldn't succeed.

"Can you just forget who I am tonight?" Kongphop's voice was still soft, but it was very clear in this silent night, "I just want to hug you."

As he spoke, he leaned over and hugged Arthit in his arms from behind.

He wanted to do this action as early as the last time the two were lying here, but he was smart enough to give up that opportunity.

Obviously it hasn't been long, but things have changed.

Arthit was stiff all over.

"I know, you are always the one who misses Nuan Nuan the most." Kongphop hugged him quietly, and the breath he exhaled hit his ear when he spoke, it was extremely warm, "Don't always hold on so hard, okay?" , even if you cry, no one will feel ashamed of you."

Arthit wanted to clenched his hand, but it was Kongphop's finger that he was holding.

Originally thought that he could be strong enough to stop everything, but when he heard Kongphop's comfort, his heart couldn't help constricting into a ball.

After Nuan Nuan left, except for the collapse in front of the empty cemetery, he never cried again.

Over the years, in fact, his parents have already seen his forbearance and concession, so after Nuan Nuan left, it was difficult for them to comfort each other.

Probably in their eyes, Arthit should feel more relaxed after Nuannuan leaves.

They didn't dare to bring up this topic, because it would cause a deeper wound.

Because they were afraid of hurting each other more seriously, even the step of comforting was omitted.

But no one ever asked him, Nuan Nuan died, you must be the saddest.

How could he not be sad.

That is the closest person who came to this world with him.

From a very young age, he single-mindedly wanted to bring the best things in the world to him.

He loves him even more than his parents.

He always thought that they would be together forever. Since they were twins, maybe they would leave this world at the same time in the end.

So he carefully protected the man he called his brother.

He always thinks, I am the sun, and you are my warm sunshine.If there is no sunlight, what is the meaning of the existence of the sun?

But after all, they drifted away.

Sunshine always wants to leave the sun and go to every corner of the world alone.

But the sun has been waiting for him to turn around.

I always thought you could turn back.Even if I really wait until I return to Thailand, I will not really do anything to hurt you.

But why, there is no chance.

He still remembered the last words he said in front of the tombstone.

Nuannuan, he said, you haven't told me yet, you don't really hate me, how could you just die like this.

How could he just die like this.

This is the first time Kongphop saw such a vulnerable side of Arthit senior.

Even when he was drunk and wronged in front of him, he never cried like this.

It's heartbreaking.

Apart from hugging him tightly, Kongphop seemed to have no other way to comfort him.

And the current senior Arthit probably only needs a hug.

It was enough to make him cry so hard.

Kongphop hugged him back, and Arthit turned around and buried his face in his arms.

Now he really needs someone to rely on.

And the one beside him at this moment is precisely the person he loves the most.

Right now, he probably doesn't have the time to think about whether this person gave him sympathy or other emotions.

Kongphop kissed the top of his head lightly, without any lust.

This kind of slight touch may be more useful than chattering comfort at this moment.

Senior Arthit didn't stop him, at this moment he was almost drowned in his own tears.

This night, he probably shed more tears than the previous ten years combined.

Feeling that the clothes on his chest were gradually wet with warm tears, Kongphop's eyes seemed to blur.

"Arthit...Arthit..." He kept calling Arthit's senior's name in a low voice, word by word, like gentle raindrops on Arthit's heart.

Arthit hugged his waist tightly, the strength was so painful.

"Nuan Nuan... Nuan Nuan... I don't want him to die..." Because of his deep crying, his words were not clear.

But Kongphop still heard his meaning clearly.

He stroked Arthit's back and whispered: "I know, I know everything."

"You don't know..." Arthit seemed to hold him tighter, as if he had used all his strength, and his voice suddenly became clear at this moment, "I'd rather come back ,look