[First-year student] I am not him

Come on, you didn't tell him about our meeting, did you? "

Seeing her reaction, Kongphop couldn't help being a little surprised: "Why did you meet him without telling him?"

Dan pondered for a while before continuing: "The last time we met, did you think my face was familiar?"

Kongphop's heart moved, and he looked carefully at her face subconsciously.

In the blink of an eye, a little fragment that had been dusty in my mind for a long time suddenly appeared in my mind.

"Nuannuan? Is it Nuannuan?" At that time, Nuannuan and he were wandering in the mall when a girl stopped them from behind.

Nuan Nuan turned her face away, and when she saw the girl's face, she also laughed: "Hi, Dan."

Dan.

That's the name, that's the girl in front of me.

Kongphop felt his mind buzzing and went blank.

Nuan Nuan and Arthit...why do they both know her?

Isn't it just a coincidence that the two of them look alike?

What is the relationship between them?

All kinds of thoughts are crowded in my mind at this moment, which makes people even more confused.

But Dan didn't give him time to react.

"It seems that you have remembered," she smiled, but this time, the smile was not as sweet as before, but with a bit of bitterness, "Have you really... never thought of this possibility? Warm and warm Arthit's relationship."

Kongphop's hands clenched into fists, at that moment, he really wished he could disappear here.

But Dan did not give him a chance to escape.

"They're twins," she said.

boom--

This sentence was like a loud thunder, blowing Kongphop into a bewilderment.

Dan's tone of voice didn't seem to have any questioning, and was even a little gentle, but these words were still like torture instruments, torturing his heart ruthlessly.

Had he really never thought of this possibility?

Why do you meet two people who look exactly the same in the same city?

Why is Senior Arthit so sure that the person he likes is dead without asking him.

Is there any connection between them.

Why has the question that ordinary people can think of so easily never appeared in his mind?

In fact, in the final analysis, it was just because he was trying his best to avoid this possibility.

When Nuan Nuan and Arthit were with him, not only did they think they were each other's double, but they even knew about that double.

How could he accept such a cruel fact?

The person I envy is also my closest existence.

Just thinking about it is already heart-wrenching.

But avoidance never really changes the facts.

After all, someone spread everything out in front of him, leaving him nowhere to escape.

Dan didn't stop talking.

Probably, she has held back these words for too long and no one has said them, so once she speaks, she can no longer suppress them.

"When we were young, Nuan Nuan went away for a long time, and suffered a lot. Arthit always felt that it was his fault, that he didn't take good care of his younger brother," Dan took a deep breath, "And after Nuan Nuan came back, , became very possessive. Maybe because of the outside experience, he...he was very scared, afraid that his parents would not want him, and afraid that they would love Arthit more who had never left."

Dan clenched the cup in front of him, as if this would give him more courage to reveal the truth: "When I was young, I actually hated him because, no matter what Arthit liked, he would always snatch it all the same. And because of his parents and Arthit had no other choice but to bear with his guilt towards him. Later... Later Arthit would never show what he liked again."

Kongphop's mind was still in a daze, Dan's words seemed to come from beyond the sky, obviously something he had never heard of, but it was so clearly transmitted to the bottom of his heart.

It was so clear that his whole body trembled.

"Do you know what Arthit liked best when he was a child?"

Kongphop's heart trembled fiercely, and the answer in his mind was ready to come out in an instant.

And Dan's words merged with his answer: "His favorite is pink panna cotta."

Kongphop's heart seemed to be slowed down bit by bit by the words pink panna cotta, dripping with blood.

He really didn't dare to think about how much pain he felt when he thought that he bought him panna cotta to transform him into a warm senior Arthit.

It must be much more painful than he is now.

Kongphop wanted to kill himself.

But Dan didn't stop because of his grief: "I pretended not to remember these things, because I didn't want to expose his proud disguise. And when I grew up, I gradually understood the injuries Nuan Nuan had suffered. But Now that Nuan Nuan is gone, I... don't want Arthit to lose the chance to be happy because of the dead again."

"Nuannuan actually knows, right? The person you met was actually Arthit, because he was outside the door when Arthit mentioned you to me that day, but what he didn't know was that Arthit didn't think about having an affair with you at that time." What kind of development, because at that time he had already decided to study abroad for a year as an exchange student, in fact...Actually, I know that he just wants to be able to leave this place. There are too many bad memories in this place."

The next thing Dan said, he couldn't hear it at all.

Because his heart was already hurting so much that his whole body seemed to be in a state of chaos.

He expected a million times that there was nothing between Dan and Senior Arthit.

Looking forward to Dan is just a smokescreen deliberately set up by senior Arthit to hide his feelings for him.

Even if he never said it, he prayed like this almost every moment.

However, when this prayer finally came true, he couldn't feel any relief at all.

It turned out that behind the happy ending he thought, there was such a bloody fact.

He always thought that he could finally think about Senior Arthit for once, like a victim, while heartbroken, he watched Senior Arthit's happiness from afar.

I even always thought how affectionate this sacrifice was.

But it turns out... the one who stabbed Senior Arthit's heart again and again was always him.

That boy who has been sacrificing himself since he was a child, how much he expected to meet someone who really loved him back then.

He still remembered how shy the smile on his face was when Senior Arthit asked him to meet him on Saturday.

That was probably the only time he wanted to open his heart all these years.

But what greeted that open heart was the scar he had slashed... fiercely on it.

----------------------------------

Kongphop can't even remember how he got back to the apartment, it was like sleepwalking all the way.

Dan's words seemed to be automatically looped by his brain, echoing in his ears all the time.

Every time I think about it, Kongphop feels that his heart hurts more.

But at this moment, he seemed to be punishing himself, not allowing himself to escape at all.

In fact, Kongphop was a little bit wronged in his heart, more or less, there is always some.

Wronged Nuannuan why didn't tell him clearly at the beginning, also wronged senior Arthit why didn't tell him the truth earlier.

In that case, there may always be something that can be salvaged.

But now, he couldn't complain at all.

Do you want to blame Nuan Nuan?

Although in Dan's mouth, Nuan Nuan has always played a predatory role among the two brothers, and even the encounter with him is probably full of scheming.

But the person who has been with Nuan Nuan in person is himself.

He understood that Nuan Nuan was not as beautiful as he remembered, but it was definitely not as bad as Dan thought.

During those days together, Nuan Nuan never mentioned the past to him, and he never thought that he would be a person who wandered outside for a long time in his childhood.

When Nuan Nuan is not talking, she just smiles, looks gentle and refined, like a prince who has been pampered since childhood.

Although Kongphop sometimes feels that appearance is his disguise, at most he just feels that Nuan Nuan's upbringing does not allow him to be too irritable, so that he is used to living so depressed.

But I didn't expect that that kind of depression would be spontaneous.

If Nuan Nuan really wanted to take everything from Senior Arthit since he was a child, then his thoughtfulness was unimaginably meticulous.

But Kongphop thinks of these, but not because he feels warm and scary.

Probably the person that everyone would feel terrible, but he has always been by his side and loved carefully.

Maintaining a cuteness that doesn't belong to him at all, even in order to be more like the person in his heart, he even combs his hair to look like that person.

In the eyes of others, he is a heinous villain, but later he only wants to become what he loves.But Kongphop failed to give him the expected response from beginning to end.

This kind of love seems to be heavier for Kongphop.

Nuan Nuan may not be a good person, but when facing him, she never had any bad thoughts.

Otherwise, it would be impossible to just let him be so careless all the time.

At that time, he didn't know that there was a senior Arthit in this world. If Nuan Nuan was really pressing hard, it was impossible for them to fail to become lovers until the end.

Kongphop understands that Nuan Nuan is not like Dan said, approaching him just to take away the person who makes Arthit senior's heart beat.

Even if his original intention was not pure, he must have changed his mind later.

Therefore, even though Nuan Nuan lied to him when they met for the first time, Kongphop still couldn't feel at ease and put all the responsibility on him.

He couldn't imagine how a child would live outside, and what kind of indelible mark those harsh environments would bring to him.

After all, Nuan Nuan is just a poor person who can't ask for it from beginning to end.

But he really felt sorry for Senior Arthit.

No wonder he always felt that the obedient Arthit holding the pink milk jelly looked the most comfortable. It turned out that it was only because Arthit's senior was the most relaxed at that time.

That person's indifference, arrogance and stubbornness were nothing but a barrier erected to protect himself.

The most real Arthit is like a child living in a fairy tale.

For fear of being hurt, the child wrapped himself tightly in a thick hard shell, and refused to see others easily, but he never lost his heart.

It was precisely because of this that he later had the opportunity to hurt Senior Arthit so deeply.

Kongphop's heart constricted again.

His eyes fell on the bracelet on his wrist.

A whole semester had passed since the orientation activities, and the hand straps that other seniors tied him had been left somewhere.

But he always carried the only one on his left hand.

It was just an ordinary white rope, which had already become dilapidated after so long, but he was still reluctant to untie it.

He still remembered the temperature when Senior Arthit's nervous fingertips touched his wrist.

There was also some complaint in his voice: "Don't think that I will be grateful to you for helping me once."

But at that time, Senior Arthit didn't know the truth, and even complained with some unconscious intimacy.

But later, those intimacy also became Kongphop's accomplices in hurting him.

"Let go..." It was the first time he saw the coldness in Senior Arthit's eyes, "I'm not the one who likes to drink pink panna cotta."

There was no ups and downs in his voice, as if what he said had nothing to do with him.

Even the back view of leaving is so decisive.

But until now, this sentence has made Kongphop dare not recall it easily.

In the past, he would still wonder why Arthit, who is such a grown-up, still can't forget those sweet and greasy foods.

It wasn't until now that I suddenly realized that it was only because, at an age when each of us loves to eat these snacks, Arthit could only bear it all the time.

A child who is so young and should be acting like a baby beside his parents can only watch a child his age eat with gusto, but pretend to be indifferent and say, I don't like it at all.

If possible, Kongphop really wanted to see him back then and hug him tightly.

The person who likes to drink pink panna cotta... has always been you.

But I made this supposedly sweet memory even darker.

If possible, I really want to go back to the day when I first met you.

If I had chosen to hold your hand in that moment...

☆、Chapter 22

"Arthit, I told him everything."

Seeing the content of the message Dan sent, Arthit's mind went blank for a moment, as if he couldn't understand what the combination of these words meant.

After a long delay, consciousness regained clarity.

Dan followed with another: "I'm sorry, I just don't want you to miss out on your chance to be happy."

Seeing the word happiness, Arthit couldn't help feeling a dull pain in his heart.

In fact, where is the chance?

Even if she spread everything out in the sun, it would only add more pain to Kongphop.

These pains could have been avoided by keeping these insignificant facts a secret.

At that time, he only felt that something was wrong with Dan, but he didn't expect that she really knew so much about this matter.

During the years between him and Nuan Nuan, no matter whether it is pain or depression, it seems to have been soaked in his blood and become a habit.

Because of the habit, I have more endurance many times stronger than ordinary people.

However, Dan swarmed and stuffed all the truth into Kongphop's mind, the impact can be imagined.

The angel-like person whom he had always cared about was suddenly torn off his mask and became a demon in others' mouths. He couldn't imagine how much pain Kongphop would feel.

Speaking of which, I still blame him.

A momentary oversight made Kongphop suffer so much more.

Even if he is ready to never meet again in this life, he still can't help but feel distressed when he thinks that that person has to endure so much suffering alone. Probably loving someone will inevitably have such a humble side.

It's just that I don't have the position to bear it with him anymore.

Despite trying his best to restrain himself, Arthit couldn't help but secretly checked the freshman class schedule, and sneaked past them a few times while they were in class.

But no matter what, every time he sees Kongphop, his chest always hurts.

I don't want to see him lose his mind, let alone see him forcefully smile, but what is even more frustrating is that no matter what kind of Kongphop it is, it has nothing to do with him now.

His existence seemed to become more and more embarrassing as the truth emerged bit by bit.

If all this is written into a script, it seems that no matter who the screenwriter is, he should give him a happy ending.

Since childhood, he has been patient and humble, and even his lover at first sight has been snatched away by a seemingly vicious supporting role. Now that the supporting role has left, the next step must be to let that person recognize his love for him, and finally form a happy relationship.

But the reality is often not as happy as the script.

There are probably many things in this world that can be pre-designed, but people's hearts are different.

Even if he took the same book as the heroine of the white lotus, it doesn't mean that Kongphop will take him seriously.

Anyway, there won't be the happy ending that I expected, why let everything come to light again.

In this way, he would only have to accept a fact that he didn't even want to admit.

That is, he is the only real supporting character in this drama.

After all, the reality is not as clear-cut as black and white in the drama. Whoever stipulates to be loved must be the one who sacrifices more.

Nuan Nuan has always been a lovable child, since she was a child.

This is a fact that he has to admit even if he is jealous.

Compared with him who is duplicity and cold-faced towards everyone, Nuan Nuan has always known how to please others better.

Even if he is Kongphop, I am afraid that the person he falls in love with will be Nuan Nuan.

In this case, he would rather see Nuan Nuan as he loves in Kongphop's eyes.

Kind and well-behaved, gentle and elegant.

If some pain can only be borne by one person, he really doesn't want to share it with others. Kongphop will never know the entanglement between Nuan Nuan and him, and if Nuan Nuan really has a spirit in the sky, at least he can feel at ease.

This guy Nuan Nuan is too strong, no matter what he is not as good as him, he has to chase after him without sleep or food.

Arthit still remembers seeing Nuan Nuan lying in front of the drum kit until she fell asleep with tears on her face.

Probably because he was too tired from practicing, he lay on the ground and fell asleep without even walking to the bed which was not a few steps away from the drum kit.

The hands were also red and swollen.

So a strong person, if he sees the image he cares about the most collapses in the heart of the person he cares about the most, I don't know how sad it will be.

He has let Nuan Nuan for more than ten years, and he really doesn't care about it again.

If you can't get it anyway, it's better to be a favor.

In any case, the man who walked a long way hand in hand with him has left this world.

Even if they didn't have the fate to love each other and stand side by side all these years, at least, he wanted to pamper him so much for the rest of his life.

Dan always said that Nuan Nuan owed him too much, and even he always thought so.

But it wasn't until after Nuan Nuan left that he realized that if Nuan Nuan could be kept alive, even if he just lived his whole life aggrieved and conceded.

As long as he can live.

But as long as Nuan Nuan is alive, he will never understand this truth.

By the time he understands, it will be irreversible.

"At first, I thought you didn't want to see me anymore." Before leaving, Dan couldn't help but said.

It was the first time they had met since Dan went to showdown with Kongphop.

When he came to look for him, Dan didn't even dare to lift his head, and he looked like he was willing to be punished.

But Arthit still couldn't say anything serious to her.

Anyway, Dan did it for him.

"I don't care what you really shouldn't have said to him, so why bother him." Arthit pretended to be relaxed.

Dan sighed, and dismantled him mercilessly: "It's fine if you usually lie to others, tell me this, do you really think I will believe it? You have let Nuan Nuan so many times since you were young, but now He's gone after all, and we should move on, shouldn't we?"

Arthit's heart trembled, and thousands of words seemed to flow from his throat, but in the end he smiled and nodded at Dan: "Yeah."

Dan finally left with a sigh of relief.

Arthit looked at her back, his chest seemed to be blocked by a big rock, making it hard to breathe.

He understands that Dan is doing it for his own good, but she doesn't understand that in relationships, there is never such a thing as giving way to anyone.

He also tried so hard to fight for it, but he still couldn't make Kongphop fall in love with him.

He also once hoped that the person Kongphop loves now is him, but he is so sure that this will never happen.

Arthit remembered that sunny day again.

On that day, he just broke up with Kongphop.

After leaving the apartment, he didn't even go to class, but went to the warm cemetery.

He stood in front of the tombstone, imagining Nuan Nuan standing face to face with himself.

"You still won." Arthit felt that his smile at that time must have been ugly, because it was full of jealousy, "I will give him back to you now."

But he didn't expect that just after he turned around and walked not far away, he saw Kongphop's figure.

Kongphop was the same as when he left in the morning, without any energy, but he had already changed his clothes and looked handsome.

He didn't say a word, but carefully pulled out all the weeds beside Nuan Nuan's cemetery, and finally sat quietly beside Nuan Nuan's tombstone, as if he was going to sit there forever.

Arthit watched from behind him, getting another taste of what it was like to be heartbroken.

It turned out that even the so-called return him to Nuan Nuan that he just said was so superfluous.

Even after breaking up with him, Kongphop still remembers to dress up and still wants Nuannuan to look his best.

Where do I need to pay it back?

He has always... only belonged to Nuan Nuan.

Since then, Dan asked Arthit twice on the phone about the progress between him and Kongphop.

But it was all confused by him.

Where will there be any progress between them.

If the relationship between him and Kongphop stays in the column of ordinary friends, if Kongphop never knows that the person he met on a rainy day is him, if Kongphop has never been clear about the relationship between him and Nuannuan...

Well, maybe Arthit can still allow himself to hide a little fantasy in the deepest part of his heart.

This life is so long, maybe one day after many years, Kongphop can finally let go of Nuan Nuan and fall in love with him instead.

But from the moment he knew the truth, Arthit didn't even dare to have this little fantasy.

Human empathy is sometimes terrifyingly powerful, just because of the resemblance to Nuannuan, Kongphop has been entangled with him for so long, to the point of losing both sides.

And Kongphop now knows everything.

Knowing that the day they first met, both of them were heartbroken, and also knowing that he and Nuan Nuan are not just similar in appearance.

They are the two closest people in the world, with the same blood flowing in their bones.

Even when Arthit occasionally looked at himself in the mirror, he would feel momentarily in a trance, thinking that Nuan Nuan had returned to him.

He himself will admit his mistakes, so how can he be so-called ordinary friends with Kongphop with peace of mind.

Just kidding yourself.

Kongphop will definitely be more different to him, but that difference will only make the pain of the two of them deeper and deeper.

Perhaps in this case, Kongphop will say that he loves him again someday after a long time, but he can't even find an excuse to convince himself to believe it.

He originally hid this thought so deeply that he didn't even dare to take it out to think about it easily, but it still seemed to be discovered by the god of fate, and he was cut off with a single knife.

Of course he wasn't complaining about Dan, but he couldn't help sighing that sometimes fate is so ruthless that people can't do anything about it.

You can't play dumb.

The only possible ending for them is to drift away.

"Arthit, why are you depressed again, or because of your junior?" Not asked, frowning.

Recently, Arthit didn't mention it to him again. In his eyes, Arthit and Kongphop should still be in the state of ordinary friends, and it's natural to be surprised.

"Hey, how is it possible," Arthit denied with a subconscious smile, but soon realized that his fake smile couldn't fool the person in front of him.He put away his expression and pursed his lower lip, "It's impossible between me and him."

He struggled hard again and again, it seemed that he was trying to leave a little possibility between them.

But in the end, he could only give up.

Arthit looked at the dark clouds that were gradually piling up in the sky, and the rainy season was reflected in his mind again.

On a rainy day when he was about to leave the city, he stood among the crowd, looked at the street corner where the two met and thought, if he can suddenly appear and walk to me in the rain, then I won’t leave.

That day, he didn't wait long in the rain before being pulled into a taxi by his friends.

At that time, he looked at the street corner getting farther and farther from the rain-soaked rearview mirror, thinking silently, it seems that they really have no fate.

He knew that it was useless to regret, but if he could have known what happened later, if he could go back to that day now.

He will definitely wait in the rain until the end of time.

As long as the opportunity to meet Kongphop can be given back to him.

------------------------------

Not has always understood him deeply, and when he heard what he said, he didn't ask any more questions, but just patted him on the shoulder comfortingly.

It's just that now, no matter what consolation seems to have much effect.

But Arthit still smiled cooperatively: "But it's nothing, anyway, I already knew the result a long time ago."

After saying this, he felt a little regretful.

Because the bitterness in the words is a bit too obvious.

As if to cover up, Arthit continued: "Just to give myself a reason to ask for a few days off."

Probably seeing how hard he was explaining, Not couldn't help laughing cooperatively: "Yeah, go out alone, be careful when you come back and we'll clean you up together."

"I'll play your part together."

"Then I really want to thank you on behalf of everyone!"

"You're welcome, but you can consider paying all my travel expenses..."

Between a few sentences, the atmosphere relaxed again, and Arthit couldn't help but quietly heaved a sigh of relief.

He really didn't like everyone looking at him cautiously, as if he had fallen to the point where he needed everyone's sympathy.

In any case, people cannot live in this world entirely for love.

Even if you can't be with the person you love for the rest of your life, so what? There are so many people in this world who have never tasted what true love is like in their entire lives.

Compared with most of the pains that cannot be expected, the lives of these people can probably be called stable, without wind, rain, or waves.

But Arthit is still thankful that he met Kongphop in this period.

Along the way, he regretted a lot.

I regret not staying at the beginning, and I regret that after returning to China, I made a fool of myself in front of Kongphop again and again, and I was in a mess.

But never regretted meeting.

This whole life of being ignorant and ignorant of what love is probably also allowed him to live a stable life, but over the years, the most fruitful life he has lived, after all, is the time he spent with Kongphop.

Even if this relationship has made him scarred.

It might make people feel ironic to say it, but even though it was painful, he was still glad that he knew his name, his last name, and what he looked like when he fell asleep.

Maybe he is really not destined to be the person in Kongphop's heart, but the relationship that only belongs to one person can still be unforgettable.

In this relationship, neither he nor Kongphop is a heinous villain, and there is no point in blaming anyone.

It is of course a good thing to be able to love each other, but if he really does not have this kind of blessing, it is also a blessing to experience the feeling of loving someone so deeply.

Time has always been a good medicine to heal everything, no matter how deep-rooted the pain is, it will fade away one day, and probably all I can remember at that time is the palpitation at the beginning.

It's always nice to have something worth remembering in your memories.

It's just that time hasn't passed long enough for him now.

The sky did not know when it started to rain again.

For a long time, he loved rainy days.

Because the boy in my memory came to him with the rain falling all over the sky.

But now, that young man who doesn't understand the world has become the appearance of enduring sadness, and the more feelings this rainy day brought him have also unknowingly turned into sadness.

As if to torture himself, after saying goodbye to Not, Arthit went to the street corner where they met once again.

It has been less than two years, and everything has not changed, except that the billboards on the roadside have faded from their vivid colors under the wind and rain.

Arthit was holding an umbrella and standing in the same place as that day, but there was no one beside him, who smiled at him when he just met his eyes, which was heart-stirring.

Where did his life go wrong?

Ever since he was a child, he seems to have never tasted what it's like to be carefree.

So the heartbeat at that meeting was even more precious.

On that day, he seemed to have forgotten all the troubles, and he had exhausted all his strength just trying to suppress the frantic heartbeat.

It was the sweetest day of his life.

Even when he was far away from home, he would occasionally think, when he came back, if he met again, would that boy still remember him?

It's just that such a beautiful memory no longer belongs to him after all.

A taxi suddenly stopped in front of him, the driver opened the window and honked the horn: "Let's go?"

Arthit froze for a few seconds, but finally put away his umbrella and got into the car.

Now he has already lost his chance, even if he really stands here forever, it will be futile.

"Where are you going?" the driver asked while restarting the car.

Arthit looked at the raindrops isolated by the transparent glass window, thought for a while, and then slowly answered: "The Rama VIII Bridge."

In fact, this time he asked for leave, he just wanted to say goodbye to the past.

He still remembers listening to some Chinese legends told to him by his classmates there when he was in China.

One of them is that after a person dies, there will be souls who come back to collect footprints.

Only by taking back the footprints of all the places I have been to can I continue on the road with peace of mind.

This metaphor may not be appropriate, but he seems to be using this method to bid farewell to this lost relationship.

Walk the road they have walked slowly, then the memories of these two people will not be left in these places.

After all, he still wants to walk alone in this world.

Thinking of these places in the future, how sad it would be if there were only pictures of two people.

No matter where they walked together, there was nothing special, and he could still walk step by step by himself.

However, although he has been earnestly carrying out this idea, from the beginning to the end, he found that there is not much place for the two of them to walk together.

When Mingming was on campus, he seemed to think of Kongphop standing there everywhere he saw, but when he left the campus, he couldn't find a few places where the two of them had been together.

It's just that two boys who haven't stepped out of the campus so easily define the unforgettable memories of a lifetime, if people hear it, they will probably only find it funny.

It was raining and there were almost no pedestrians on the bridge.

Arthit stands alone