Thank you for these five years

If a peaceful breakup is the best ending, how I wish I could just leave it like that.

But after returning to Beijing, I found out.How sad I am, how sad I am.However, I look at Xiao D's circle of friends, but it seems to be quite happy.There are new friends playing together, ktv, and dinner.

It was difficult for me, and after a few days, I sent a long WeChat message to Little D.I was a bitch, and I did the stupidest, stupidest, stupidest thing in love.

I want to stay, I want to continue.However, I still want to see what little D thinks, and I will try my best to try again, but I also respect his decision.I edited a long paragraph and sent it to Xiao D, expressing my feelings and my final efforts.

Well, after a long time, Little D replied to me.It seems that he has decided to go: "I am also very sad, but the long-term pain is worse than the short-term pain... Sorry, we can't face it together in the future."

That night, my mentality collapsed again.After suffering for a week, I made an emotional but mental decision: On June 6, I quietly bought a ticket and decided to go to Little D’s city to find him that day.If you still decide, please tell me face to face.I thought so.

When the train stopped in his city, I got off.Coincidentally, I saw in the circle of friends before that Qi posted a short video. It was Xiao D and Jing who went out together. There was also a boy in it, which I didn't know.Seeing this, I was a little flustered.

I chatted with Qi and Jing, and I asked them where they were and what they were eating, and I even asked the boy, who I didn't know.

While joking with them, I called a car and went to their restaurant.

"Hey, ask the waiter to add an extra pair of chopsticks, I'm coming." After asking about the private room number, I sent Jing a message.

"Okay, okay, come on, come on, we can't finish eating," they replied, as if they still thought I was in Beijing, just joking with them.

After a few minutes.

"Hey dears!" I pushed open the door and broke in.

There are 5 people in the room.In addition to Jing and Qi, there is little D and the boy and girl sitting next to him.

When I appeared suddenly, Jing and Qi were delighted, but the other side was a little cold, which was quite embarrassing.Jing and Qi embraced me excitedly and went to the bathroom. They touched up their makeup, and I also took this opportunity to wash my face and calm down.

Back in the private room again, I sat next to Jing.Normally, I would be next to Little D, but now there is no place for me.After sitting down, I briefly talked about the reason why I came here on the spur of the moment, and just finished the meal in a hurry.

After dinner, we went to Little D's house first.

I enter the house like a master, and walk around casually.But I also saw that boy, sat down on the sofa naturally, and joked with little D naturally.I felt more uneasy.

After going out, the boy proposed to go to the party hall to have fun.Little D drove Jing and Qi, and I chose to sit in another car with the boy and girl.

Along the way, I started chatting with them, and then added the boy on WeChat.

The boy is a local, one year older than me and little D.I looked at his circle of friends and found that they had known each other quite a long time ago.Some clues can also be seen.Well, I'm pretending to be calm.

The fun in the party hall was a little cold.The boys and I arrived first, and Little D came back with Jing and Qi.After entering the room, they lay on the sofa and checked their mobile phones, as if everyone had their own concerns.

I took the initiative to play table football with that boy, and then we played board games again. The boy yelled, and Little D obediently sat down beside him.I know that something really happened, words, actions, expressions.I'm not that stupid, but because of Jing, Qi, etc., I can't say anything.After a few awkward games, the event came to an end.

The drunkard's intention is not to drink, I just want to go home quickly and talk to little D.

After sending Jing and Qi home, the car drove on the familiar road home again.

"what are you doing"

"I...I...want to see you"

"Do you know that it's not good for you to make your own way like this!"

"Oh, got it…"

silence.

Little D drove the car downstairs, turned off the engine, and pulled out the key.

Neither of us got out of the car, 1 minute, 2 minutes, 3 minutes... I opened the door and went upstairs.

After entering the door, Xiao D and I sat on the sofa.

"What did you chat with that boy?" Little D asked this in the first sentence.

"It's nothing, just ask him what he does, and then chat casually"

"Casual chat? He told me that you look like a police station! He's very sensitive. Is it appropriate for you to ask like this as soon as you come up? Are you checking your account? Do you like it when people ask you like this?"

"No, I don't like it...but I didn't ask anything..."

"But what, you did this! Bring the phone here, let me see what you talked about!" Little D ordered.

I handed over my phone, he unlocked it and looked through it for a long time.After reading it, he threw the phone on the coffee table, covered his face with his hands, and took a deep breath.

"We're over, you know," Little D said calmly.

"Well, I know, but I can't bear it. Do you know how unhappy I am these days, how unhappy I am."

"I'm fine. It's very easy for me to leave you. It seems that there is no restraint all of a sudden. I don't have to say good morning and good night every day. No one cares about me. I have a good life."

"However, I think, we... don't have to be like this, we can continue to face it. I have always loved you, I told my colleagues and friends, I have the best boyfriend in the world, I... ..."

——"We are adults, we should understand. We can't go back"

"I'm also happy..."

"Xia Mu, don't force me!" Little D became emotional, "You know, I am an insecure person. After so many years in different places, I am used to it alone. Do you know that every time you come here now Disturbance to my life. I dare not tell my family, every time you come, I feel... feel life is disrupted"

"I can leave Beijing to look for you. We live together. You can...you... I have mentioned it several times but you rejected it. I know the pressure in your family. I can't just move here with you. But , in our future, I can do this..."

"As I said, don't force me. You know I've grown up over the years, and I've learned to be ruthless." [Tonight's little D is a completely different person, he is no longer the little D I used to know] Little D lay down Down, curled up.On the small loveseat, he was always careful not to touch me. "Don't say leave you, even leave a few other friends, I can be very calm, I can be cruel."

Little D said very firmly, but I always feel that he is not him tonight, he is pretending.

"When will you leave, can you leave now?" Little D walked to the door, he was chasing me.

"Train tomorrow morning, old time."

"Then go to sleep in a hotel, I'll pay for it."

"It's so late, you let me go out cruelly? No, I will sleep at home tonight, and we will sleep at home together"

"Then I'm going to sleep in the hotel." He intended to go out.

"You're just like that, are you starting to be cold?! You're pretending, you're pretending to me, pretending to be powerful."

"Do whatever you want"

"I can see that you're pretending"

……

"Let's sleep on the bed together, tonight." I begged softly, "Just tonight, only tonight, is that okay?"

"You sleep on the bed, I sleep on the sofa." It seemed that she compromised a bit, and walked back to the sofa to lie down.

"No, I want to sleep with you. I'll sleep wherever you sleep." After speaking, he wanted to lie on him who was lying on the sofa.

"Stop making trouble!...you go to bed first." Little D sat up.

It seems that it is not so determined.I stepped back, undressed, went into the room and lay down on the bed.I waited quietly and waited.This time, I heard the sound of Xiao D's WeChat message.

"I'm going out," Little D said. "It's him. He's very uncomfortable when you question someone like that. He hasn't come home yet. I'll go find him."

"Ah! I'll go with you!"

"What are you going, don't you think you haven't made enough trouble!"

"Then, I'll wait for you to come back..."

"Don't wait, you go to bed first."

"No, I'll wait for you. If you don't come back, I won't sleep."

"As you please," he slammed the door and walked out.

30 minutes passed, and little D didn't come home.I sent a message asking, did you find the boy, is he better?

60 minutes passed, and little D didn't come home.I sent a message saying, how long will it take, I will wait for you.

80 minutes passed, and little D didn't come home.I send a message, soon?I'm still waiting.

100 minutes passed, and little D didn't come home.I made a call:

"Hey, how is the situation now? How long will it take to come back?"

"I'm not coming back tonight, you go to sleep. I have to go back to Beijing for work tomorrow."

"If you don't come back, I won't sleep, and I won't go to work. I'll wait for you to come back."

"Don't wait, I'm not coming back..."

"You found him, didn't you. Where are you now, you're together, right?"

"..." The phone hung up.

I continued to call and didn't answer.Call again, don't answer.Still calling, not answering.

Several calls in a row were rejected.At this time, I have changed from crying silently to crying loudly.

Choked up from crying, I paused and hit another one.Yes, it's the boy.

"Hey, it's me."

"Well, I know." I paused, "Aren't you, already, together?"

"Yes, it is."

"How long?"

"Is this important?"

"So, you have done it too?"

"What do you think? What couples should do."

"Then why didn't he tell me, why did you say it!"

"Don't you know him yet? He just can't bear it. He's afraid you'll get hurt."

"I...then you guys, what, just..." I was already incoherent, "I'm a little messed up now"

"I heard it, what do you want? Do you want him to go back tonight? What if he goes back!? What do you think is possible now?"

"I just want him to come back tonight with me"

"You want, have you thought about him? You know why I appeared, have you thought about you? We are all adults and gay, this road is not easy, and I will become his too Ex, but now I don't want him to get hurt." [Your words sound like righteousness, you don't want him to be hurt, how reasonable it is for you to love each other.So I am a happy person who was cheated and discarded, what face do I have here, and what face do I have in this relationship.Who has cared for my feelings, who has come to soothe my wounds?However, at that time, I only wanted to bring Xiao D back]

"But me, I beg you, okay, let him come back tonight. Just tonight!" I completely gave up my self-esteem.If there is anything else that can be described, it is that I already feel that I have fallen into the dust, and I have to kneel down, begging with my face on the ground.

"I promise, just for one night, just for one night, I won't bother you from now on."

"I can't say, let him decide for himself." After the boy finished speaking, he walked back and handed the phone to Little D.

"Hey, it's me."

"Well, I just talked to him, I know." I tried to stabilize myself, "You come back tonight, I'll wait for you. Please, come back with me."

"Let me think about it, let me think about it"

"Alright, can I ask you a question?"

"what?"

"That's a cliche question, have you ever loved?"

"Loved."

"I'm waiting for your news, please come back tonight." I hung up the phone.

More than ten minutes later, I received a message from Little D. "I'll be back later."

The moment I saw the news, I was completely calm, and my heart seemed to be untied and numb after being twisted hard.Is it a victory?No, I have already lost, completely, completely, completely, fragmentedly, completely lost.

……

I don't know how long it has passed, but when I heard the door open, I wiped away the dry tears.Pretend, "I'm back, let's sleep." After I finished speaking, I got up, left the sofa and walked into the bedroom.

I lay down on the bed, and soon, Little D also lay down on his stomach, separated by a long distance.

"Am I a scumbag?" Little D said to me.His tone and tone have softened, and I can feel that he is no longer the cold man he was just a few hours ago.Perhaps, after I found out about cheating, it became easier.You don't need to hide it from me with a mask, on the contrary, it doesn't matter if you have an extra copy.

"Yes, it's scum." I adjusted myself, pretending to be free and easy, "You know, I suddenly remembered a song by Stefanie Sun, do you know which one it is? "Green Light"! Haha" I went to him Said in the ear, and then smiled self-deprecatingly.

Little D didn't speak.

"A few hours ago, I was eating with you and that boy, and I was playing games with him. Haha, how long has it been? The two people who hurt me the most are right in front of my eyes."

……

"Hey, I know we may not be able to go together for the rest of our lives, and I'm also very sorry that I can't be by your side in different places for the past few years. But, I have always told you, please be honest with each other." I began Talking to himself, Xiao D was listening.

"From Moe to Fan and Naruto, I already feel that I have had enough. I have always hoped that we can become the most loyal people to each other. In this world, there are too many temptations. Even if you can't stick to your loyalty, please don't lie .If you meet other people in the future, you can tell them as soon as possible. If we are more honest, the harm will be less."

……

"Hey, tonight is probably the most unforgettable night in my life. In front of you, it doesn't matter how desolate, insignificant, and disrespectful I am. It's you. But there is someone else, that little three In front of me, my self-esteem is also shattered. What else can I ask for?"

……

"I can't go back. Those things in the past are so embarrassing to you. By the way, do you know our Weibo? On it, there was a girl's comment that warmed my heart for a long time. She said, yes Once in class, the teacher asked her which city she yearned for, and what she thought of was Beijing. As for the reason, she said that it was because this city had our stories. You see, we all became the yearning of others unintentionally. But you see Now, haha, how ironic."

……

"Haha, have you already done it? In his house, and in your house, in this room, and in our current bed. It's hard to imagine, there are so many interesting stories on this bed! You say , when you guys are doing it, will you suddenly think of me... by the way, what about his guy, haha"

……

"Stop talking..." Little D got up and sat on the sofa in the living room.After a while, a call came.Obviously, it was the boy.

I also got up, standing behind the door, bowed my body openly and eavesdropped, like a pervert, listening to other people's love words.Those nicknames were also ours.

"Come out, I'm done."

"Oh", I went to the living room and sat on the floor tiles. "It's been a lot of hard work since you kept it from me for a long time."

"It's cold on the ground." Little D threw me a pillow and "cushioned it".

"Your watch and mobile phone have been replaced with new ones. Did you buy it? Or did he give it to you?"

"Eh...", Little D lowered his head, covered his face with his hands, and didn't dare to look at me. "sorry Sorry,……"

"Haha, don't say it, what's the use? You see, you have mentioned it several times, but I have never bought it"

"I'm sorry, I failed you, I'm sorry, Xia Mu, I'm really sorry..."

"Okay, don't talk about it." It turns out that the fake free and easy is quite simple, "By the way, how did you know each other? Do you still know someone else? Come on, introduce me."

"[Little D shakes his head], you will have a better time in Beijing"

"Hey, it's so troublesome. You see, after breaking up with you, I have raised my standards. At least my face and height are all there. It's hard to find."

"sorry Sorry……"

"It's all like this, I hope you can tell others about being sorry and disappointing, haha"

…………

Messed up, said a lot of words, he was apologizing, and I was talking nonsense.It's all nonsense.

"Let's go, go to sleep. Otherwise, it should be dawn, and I have to get up early tomorrow morning to leave. I have made an appointment for the driver, so I can't be late."

We lay in bed together again.I let out a long breath, calmed down, and changed into a weeping and begging tone:

"I know you're scum," I swallowed, "do you dare to be a little more scumbag, hug me to sleep tonight."

"Uh...farewell"

"Then, can I hold your hand?"

He didn't refuse, I reached out to hold it, felt his retreat, and barely grabbed a finger.

……

When I woke up at night, I quietly shook the hand I was holding, only to find that it was empty.

The next morning, when I got up, little D was still lying there asleep.After simply washing and tidying up, I went back to the door of the bedroom and looked at him lying on the bed for a long time.

time to go.

I walked to the head of the bed, sat down beside him, raised my hand, and slowly lowered it to his head, bit by bit, touching his hair.I stroked his hair and said to myself:

"I'm leaving, it may be a long... long... long time before I get out..."

After finishing speaking, I leaned over and lowered my head, and finally kissed little D on the cheek.

I knew he was awake and pretending to be asleep.Not confronting it seems like the best way to go.

Taking my schoolbag, I walked out of the house for the last time.

From now on, you have nothing to do with me.