Thank you for these five years

After returning from the Spring Festival in 18, not long after, Xiao D's uncle fell ill, and his condition was serious.He has been hospitalized, and the hospital has issued critical illness notices several times.During that time, the atmosphere in Little D's house was not very good.Little D is also under a lot of pressure.Little D is very family-loving, and his family's family relationship is also very close.During that period, I couldn't go to Xiao D to accompany him.Until April, Little D's birthday month, but the situation did not improve.We can only accompany and chat from a distance.

And I, after the Spring Festival in 18, also began to seriously consider things with Xiao D.I really want to go to his city to live with him, but if I still want to keep a distance from friends and live an awkward life, is this really what I want?I asked myself several times, what can I do for him?

Moreover, once Xiao D and I revealed that at a wedding where he was going to be the best man, there was a girl who liked him a little bit and wanted to ask him out.In fact, I am calm, after all, such a thing has happened before, and he also tentatively asked me about the physical marriage, but I refused.

Such cracks are created.Pulling, tearing in distance and silence.

When I was in Beijing, I also started to play more with my colleagues. I wanted to tell myself that I can’t put all my focus on Little D. He might not be able to support him, and I would gradually lose myself.I went to play basketball with my colleagues, or had dinner and kebabs at night, and I got closer to them.During that time, good morning and good night became the foil, and only after I finished speaking did I feel that my own life time had begun.Presumably, so is Little D.

At the end of April, Jing, Qi, Fan, Xiao D and I, we got together to celebrate Xiao D's birthday.At this time, Little D's uncle had passed away.After the death of a relative this time, Little D felt even more strongly the pressure from the family about marriage.

Looking at his life, and looking at my life, I can feel the distance between our two lives, and he must feel it too.Jing and Qi were very happy when they agreed on the travel plan for this year's November. Jing was also annoyed that she didn't go to Turkey with us on November last year. D said, I was afraid that we would be separated so early that the trip would be awkward.

Indeed, in the past two years, except for traveling together, I mostly took the train from Beijing to Xiao D’s house on weekends, and then returned to Beijing to work after staying for a weekend, and because he doesn’t like Beijing, he rarely or almost never comes to Beijing, unless It was because I had to go abroad from Beijing Airport the next day that I came to see me one night in advance.And my trip to Little D once or twice a month became a regular routine later on.And every time he came, it was very similar: I massaged his back, we both had sex at night, during the day he was busy with shopping, and I was also busy with my own work.Sometimes he has to make excuses for me to turn down the family dinner, and he can't mention my visit to the family.Sometimes, we would ask Fan, Jing, and Qi to go out for a gathering, but most of the time we would never tell them of my arrival.

All of a sudden, I feel like we've reached a point.And this node is what we talked about when we first talked at night in the corridor of the university dormitory, about separation.

Before the cute incident, I was very clear in my heart. If Xiao D told me that he had a girl he liked, I would choose to let go.I hope that he can live a relatively normal life, and his family environment has made him bear a lot of pressure. It may be better if he can marry the girl he likes.And now, that seems to be the time.

I told myself that now is the time for us to make a decision.

At the end of April, because I was going to move, Xiao D came here with the big suitcase we had traveled before, and then went back the next day without staying too much.

In May, I finished moving at the beginning of the month.Xiao D is going to fly to Korea to purchase, so he just came to visit his new home.When I came this time, I already had my own concerns.That night, Xiao D came, and I massaged his back as usual. He has been buying for several years, and his back often hurts. He always asks me to massage him, and I also cooperate, but from the beginning I did my best to complain later. and perfunctory.

That night, when little D was lying on his stomach, I noticed that he had an iwatch on his hand. I wanted it all the time, but I never bought it. I don’t know when it was too much.The mobile phone has also been changed. I wanted to ask, but I restrained myself.

After the massage, I actually said that I was looking forward to it, but Xiao D said that he was tired, so he lay down on the side, ready to sleep.Leaving me alone is boring, so there is no way.Go to sleep, he got up early the next day and had to catch a plane, I consoled myself.

In the next few weekends, I made a full schedule for myself. In fact, I was a little evasive and didn't want to face it.There is only one weekend at the end of this month, and I went to find Xiao D, and that was also because of Qi's birthday.

On the first weekend in May, I ate at a friend's house and chatted until midnight.On the second weekend, after moving, I invited my friends to my home for a housewarming party. I ate and drank a lot, and I drank a lot. At night, I got drunk.They said I was playing crazy, and I knew it myself, I kept crying and muttering, I don't want to be separated.On the third weekend, I went to climb Mount Tai again with my friends.When I reached the top of the mountain at night, I yelled down the mountain: "Hey! I want to walk down with you!"

These behaviors seem to be their own inner struggles.But already very weak.I can't feel the power of little D anymore, I can't feel the love of little D anymore.

The weekend at the end of May is here, and this Sunday is celebrating Qi's birthday.As usual, I came to Little D's house early on Friday.On Friday night, Xiao D said that he was very tired, so we didn't do it.In fact, I already have something in mind.

On Saturday the next day, Little D had something to do.I played with Jing and Qi for a day, this day.They told me about Little D's recent situation. They felt that Little D was very strange recently. In short, he was abnormal. I became worried.In the evening, Little D came to see us. The four of us who were supposed to go back to our respective homes ended up going to the KTV to sing songs for several hours.

[Knowing that the time has come, but deliberately covering it up]

We ordered some songs, "Sin of Hurting Love", "I Only Loved You Until I Met You", "He", "Similar Love", "When I Sing This Song"... Well, when the song is remembered, we both silently singing to each other.Jing and Qi didn't seem to be particularly concerned.

And we, or at least I and I, sang and bleed.I know that after singing the songs of this night, I will say goodbye to Little D.Although I don't want to give up, I want to say goodbye.His pressure is too great, I don't want us to continue to be friends without a future like this.

In the past few years, I have become too familiar with Little D.I am well aware of his family pressure and inner struggles. To him, coming out of the closet was a sea of ​​swords and flames.

That night, the song was over.We went to KFC to have something to eat, and then little D drove Qi and Jing one by one back home, just like the many nights we played together until late at night.On the last ride, I really wanted to say something, but stopped again.I'm thinking, wait till I get home.When I got home, I thought about waiting until I got in the door.After entering the door, I thought about waiting until I sat down... I was always procrastinating a little bit, at this last moment.I thought to myself, one minute later, let me have him for one more moment, let me continue to enjoy this second.

After showering and undressing, we lay down on the bed.Little D is very tired, you can see it.Although we all have feelings, what he doesn't know is the entanglement in my heart at the moment.He doesn't know, I will choose to talk to him tonight.

"Honey," I finally spoke.

"Um?……"

"I have something to say"

"Well, I know, you seem to have held back for a long time."

"um, yes."

"Speak, I'm listening"

"Do you think, do we..." I couldn't hold back my tears, "Are we going to separate?"

[I didn't speak, I felt little D's body trembling a little]

"That's right, it's reached the point we talked about before." I continued, "I don't want to do this, I want to continue being with you..." I cried, "I want to continue walking with you..."

"I know……"

"However, we are like this now, it's a bit far away." I tried to open my eyes, "I thought about the scene where we were separated, and I told myself every time not to cry, don't cry, but I still cried."

[Little D didn't speak, I heard his sobbing]

"You know, I am very, very grateful to you, and I am very, very dependent on you. When I climbed Mount Tai this month, I yelled a word on the mountain, and I said, I want to go down with you...but look, it's a little bit , What a slap in the face...I hope you are the one who can accompany me through the walk. However, I also know that you are under too much pressure. Especially this year, especially after your relatives passed away. When you told me , when a girl chases you and likes you, I'm actually a little happy. If you can treat people well and fulfill your family's expectations, maybe it's also good."

I moved over, hugged little D's head, hugged him in my arms, and reached out to wipe the tears on his face. "As for me, let it be like this, I will live alone first. I will not bless you when you get married. You don't have to tell me... If I have any expectations, please be sure, be sure Be an interesting person. There are too many good-looking skins, but too few interesting souls, so please remember to be an interesting person in the future."

………………

That night, we talked nonsense about other things.There are memories and hugs.There were also tears and silence.

Later, at my initiative, we did it one last time.I kissed his body from head to toe, and little D was a little more aggressive than usual, just trying to get in and out of me.After he finished, I lay down, and I leaned on him instead, and I said I haven't done it yet, please help me.He gave me exercise with one hand, and stroked the sensitive spots on my body with the other. [We know each other's bodies so well, but we have to find that this pleasure is the last time]

The inexplicable feeling, the uncontrollable physical orgasm and the extremely sad parting love.At the last moment, they gushed out together and landed on Little D's body.

It was dawn, and when I got up in the morning, I posted a Weibo on both of our accounts.I told everyone, we separated.The relationship of more than five years is over.

In the afternoon, to celebrate Qi's birthday.The two of us are still friends and Fan, Jing, Qi and a group of five, we went boating.Then play in the park and take pictures.In the evening, we had dinner together again, the five of us ate and chatted as if nothing had happened.

However, in my own heart, I can hardly bear it any longer. I want to tell them that I have separated from Little D. I may not want to come here in the future, and I may not meet you again.I want to tell them, what you always thought was the friendship between me and Xiao D, in fact, we have been in love for five years, five years, and I dare not tell you when it is over.

However, I still didn't say anything, I just pretended to be happy.

After dinner, Jing and Qi got into Fan's car, and he was responsible for taking them home.And Xiao D and I were going to go home after getting in the car.Usually when I come over on weekends, I arrive on Friday night, and then stay until Monday morning and then leave from Xiao D’s house. He will take me to the station to get on the train and go back to Beijing for work.But that day, after getting on the bus, I told Little D to take me to the station.

Well, yes, I can't stay.The people around me, as well as the city, are suddenly very strange.I can't imagine going back to Xiao D's house to stay for another night. It's a bit redundant for the old lover who has broken up to share the same bed for one more night.I'm afraid that I can't restrain myself physically, and I'm also afraid that I can't restrain myself emotionally. I'm even more afraid that I will go on. After all, I proposed a peaceful breakup. If I can't restrain myself and beg again, I will feel cheap .No matter how reluctant I am, I have to leave, the sooner the better.

"Do you have to leave tonight?" Little D asked me.

"Well, I've already bought a ticket, and tomorrow's ticket will also be refunded." I said a little decisively, but I was actually scared in my heart.

"Is that so anxious?"

"Hmm..." [I hum softly]

On the way to the station, no words were spoken.As usual, Little D sent me to the train station on time.Only, this time it was night.

The car stopped, and I just opened the door, and when I was about to get out of the car, Little D suddenly reached out and grabbed my left hand.He put his arms around me... In the car, we gave each other a soft, hug.

Close the door and feel him drive away.I went to collect the ticket, and the moment I put the ID card on the ticket machine, I finally couldn't help it, and I burst into tears in an instant.From ticket collection, to entering the station, to boarding the train and inside the compartment, the sound of my bitter tears can be heard everywhere.

I didn't expect it to hurt so much, even though I thought it was a peaceful departure, even though I knew we didn't have a farewell.But I know that he no longer belongs to me, his embrace will no longer be given to me, his mind and body will never be exposed to me again.I still lost him, no matter how hard I tried, in the end, I lost him.

On the way home crying all the way from his city, what I played in my earphones was "Until I Met You, I Only Loved You":

"Until I met you, I only liked you

Don't allow others to come into your life

My temper is my love for you

It is more practical to use words of love with actions

Until I met you, I only liked you

Don't deliberately hide your concern for each other

It's not easy to hold you in my arms

There is no doubt about the intention of holding hands.』

After parting but listening to the song of meeting, each sentence makes me feel more sad.

Back home in Beijing, I told little D that I was home.He also seemed to be waiting for news of my return home, and replied immediately after receiving the message.

"I have arrived"

-"Um"

-"rest early"

"it is good"

— "Thank you, these years."

"Me too"

……

Later, we really became friends.I can only watch from a distance, and occasionally offer my concern and pay attention to keeping a distance from friends.

Perhaps this is the best ending.

perhaps.