Star Sea·Light Year

Three years have passed like a meteor, and Meng Tian has gotten used to this new residence.

He didn't bring anything with which to lodge the shared memories, and the last time he contacted, he said that since they couldn't be together, let the pair of dolls take their place.

That's why he didn't bring "him" with him like before.

The weather here is a little erratic, but he doesn't dislike it.In the cold season, the winter nights are especially long, he thought, now he is very used to this cold feeling.

The heating in the room was turned on to the point where you need to wear a coat, and the aroma overflowing from the coffee machine filled the whole room.He often nestled on the sofa while drinking some bitter coffee while reading professional books.

Obtaining a license as a psychiatrist is not easy, and requires a long-term internship in addition to a professional degree.He is now practicing in a hospital not far from here. ...This is a very suitable place to relax, perhaps because it is so quiet, the thick snow absorbs the noise like a sponge, and the cold climate makes life here calm.

At that time, he did not listen to Wang Ben's explanation of his reasons.Because he knows very well that people are different.He may not really understand some things that seem important to him.And if you can't understand it, you will feel dissatisfied again.

He didn't want that.

... Even if a person tries very hard to understand another person, he will eventually find that it is just his own wishful thinking.Things that have not been experienced cannot be understood by imagination alone.So there are some reasons, it is better to keep it in the bottom of my heart.

For him, because he realized that rejecting his own heart was a matter that almost exhausted all his courage, so after knowing Wang Ben's feelings, he thought, even if he couldn't fully understand his helplessness, he could now. Stop blaming him.

... Even, separated by a long distance, they can maintain this relationship.

"Dong dong."

Hearing someone knock on the door, he put down his book and got up to open the door. The cold air made him shrink back.

——Standing outside the door was a very beautiful woman.

She was wrapped in a purple wool coat with a circle of snow-white fur, and a pair of white sheepskin gloves on her hands. Her long curly hair like seaweed was scattered behind her, and there was always a hint of sadness between her slender eyebrows.

"Ah," Meng Tian smiled softly, "...run out again?"

She was the first "patient" he met when he came here three years ago. Although she no longer needs to receive treatment, she still lives in a nearby nursing home.

——Actually, she is not a "patient" at all.

People will wishful thinking that those existences that are contrary to common sense are abnormal.

In the past, same-sex romances were also considered mentally abnormal, and she... also fell into a relationship that was against common sense.That's why he was sent to this secluded but private place in the name of "mental illness".

"It's winter again."

She smiled slightly, and the year was coming to an end.

When they met for the first time, he unconsciously paid attention to her.

Maybe it's because of the similarities.

She often sneaks over from the nursing home and spends the night at his house. The two of them may not necessarily talk. She will let him rest on her lap, and sometimes she will lean on his shoulder.

At night when the weather is fine, they will lie on the benches on the open-air balcony and watch the starry sky.The ribbon-like Milky Way dances gently in the mysterious night sky, as beautiful as a dream.It can't be seen from a distance, but it will produce endless imagination.

Because reality is often not as magnificent as imagination, immersing yourself in a fairytale-like dream is also a kind of rest.

"Why do you like watching the stars?" She once asked him curiously.

"...When my mother passed away, a person told me about 'memory'....He said that light is like the memory of the sun, and it will not disappear immediately with the disappearance of the sun. Because of the distance Different, the time it takes for the memory of the sun to reach different places is also different, and similarly, the time it takes to disappear will also be different."

After that, he often gazed at the vast starry sky, which radiated gentle starlight alone. When this weak light fell on his eyes, what did they look like? ...But no matter what they become, they are all in the same universe.

"That way, it will be better if the distance is farther away..."

"...Not necessarily. If it's too far away, when the memory is conveyed, the other party is no longer there, and I will feel regretful."

"...'You were born before I was born, but you are old when I was born'....memory...in fact, it can also be called 'emotion'?"

"...That's right."

She seemed to escape a slight sigh.

"... I always feel that the stars are very lonely."

"Although even the contact of binary stars is not a direct contact as understood by common sense, for them, they can perceive the existence outside of themselves, understand the direction of their own lives, and know that there are many and many people in this universe. They are the same planet... and realize that they are not alone."

——It is the same with people.

Man is a solitary creature.No matter how close you are, you can't fully understand each other.

Just like at that time, the person who came to comfort him had no idea what his feelings for his mother were like.He is just guessing his thoughts based on his experience.

Because of this, he will not understand.

Even if you are familiar with this person's personality and understand his thoughts, it does not mean that you understand this person.

Humans are also arrogant creatures.Always put on a superior attitude, as if others should recognize their own ideas, but for the recognition of others, they hope that the other party will be grateful.

But... when I know that someone has had the same experience as me, and someone has suffered the same pain as myself, I will no longer feel alone.

In this way, even if you can't meet each other or be together, you won't feel lonely.

"Double stars?"

"Well, in fact, there are many pairs of stars in the universe, and they orbit each other.... Looking at it like this, some seem to be very close, but they are actually far apart. And some, without the help of more sophisticated instruments , it is impossible to determine whether they are a pair or not....The basis for judging this is to see whether there is gravitational force between them."

"...It sounds a little romantic." She smiled softly, "It's the same with people.... Some people are together, but they don't love each other, and some people who are not together...but they are in love each other."

"They surround each other, and as time goes by, they will slowly approach until they are destroyed. ... However, after that, they will still exist in another form. ... If it is understood as 'love'... "

Meng Tian didn't finish the sentence.

Such feelings may be just like the emotions they are all deeply involved in.

But she smiled quietly: "This ending is not bad."

Meng Tian pointed to the brightest star over there, and said: "That star is called Sirius, which is about eight light-years away from us. It also has a companion star beside it, but it cannot be seen without the aid of instruments, because it is A dead star.... There is a story about Sirius, the Pyramid verse about Osiris mentions that Sirius is a double star, and that verse uses this to imply that Isis was very much worshiped by the ancient Egyptians. The goddess is pregnant... and Isis is Osiris' sister, but at the same time, his wife."

When he said this, she looked at him in surprise.

"Isis...was considered the ideal mother and wife."

He smiled at her slightly.

"People's ideas will change over time. ... Some things cannot be summed up simply as 'right' and 'wrong'. But, I think... as long as they don't cause trouble to others, no one can I have no right to interfere with your choice."

"...Thank you. But...it will be better for him if I leave. If he can marry and have children normally, and inherit the family, he will be happier....That is enough for me."

Hearing what she said, Meng Tian frowned.

"But in this way, the man who is his wife will be very poor."

"...I never thought of that."

She lowered her head, frowning tightly.

"...Because you haven't encountered it before."

He sighed softly and shook his head.She looked over puzzled.

"The reason why I chose this path is because of my mother." Meng Tian looked at the bright white moon, "She is a very hateful mother and a very sad woman.... Although my family claims that she is Died of postpartum depression, but it wasn’t like that, she’s been in a bad state of mind since I can remember.… She would throw a fit of temper from time to time, and things at home would be smashed into a mess.”

... She would yell like crazy when she couldn't see him, so they lived together in that gorgeous cage specially prepared for her.

His mother's slender and pale face seemed to appear before his eyes.Even if she is not in good spirits, she will tidy herself up very clean, even tidy enough to give people the impression of being neurotic. ... He has always felt that his mother's hair is very beautiful, and the natural curl has an inimitable beauty.

...Maybe it was because he looked so much like her that he thought she thought of him as his younger self. ... always dressed him in girly clothes, and tied his hair up with gorgeous ribbons. ...More often said...it was because he didn't work hard enough that he was so unfortunate. ...He hated dressing like that, and he didn't like the things she forced him to learn.She was quiet only when he played the piano.He doesn't look like someone who is always talking about something, nor does he show his crazy side. ...She listened to his piano very seriously, and at that time...she always showed a sad expression, because he saw her always pulling his skirt, and her lips were trembling slightly. ...and that wasn't the first sign of her illness.But if he played the wrong note, he would be severely beaten. ... At that time, one of the things he did most often was to lie down by the window.

In fact, he didn't know whether he was envious of the outside world, and making such a move was nothing more than expressing his inner dissatisfaction.

"...Until one night, I woke up in the middle of the night, following the beautiful sound of the piano that I had never heard before, and saw her crying figure."

...Why is there such deep sadness hidden?He doesn't understand. ... At that time, he had no idea.But I feel that she is very pitiful. ...In this family, everyone stays away from her because of her illness. He actually doesn't know if she is really insane, but he thinks, maybe under the crazy surface, she knows everything in her heart , It's just that she didn't say anything, told him, maybe he didn't understand, but others... who would take her words seriously?

Meng Tian sighed softly.

At that time, he thought, she was really scary.She always fell ill for no reason, and then beat him severely... Maybe her strength is not strong, but it still hurts if she keeps falling on her body.When the face is wounded, there will be an unpleasant taste like rust in the mouth.

He also doesn't understand, "love"...does it smell like rust?The traces of bruising had hardly faded from his body, and she was always crying uncontrollably as she fell ill. ... At that time, she had very sad eyes.

When she calmed down, she would carefully rub off the calluses on his fingertips again with red eyes. ... When the weather is fine, she will lead him for a walk in the courtyard, and even drink afternoon tea together. ... She likes desserts very much. When eating sweet desserts, she will show a faint smile, and always feed the delicate strawberry on the cake into his mouth, and wipe the corners of his mouth carefully of cream.

He also liked the elegant and calm tone of her reading.

...He thought, if she was a normal person, he would love her very much.

But the pain that came from his body from time to time made him afraid from the bottom of his heart, and that day... her illness was particularly serious. She used to hit him with her hands, but that time... she hit him hard with the books on the bookshelf, and his It also left a slight scar on his back.

He probably thought he was beaten to death. When he was in a daze, he heard her screaming like a beast.

——Is that the sound that humans can make?

He thought so then.

He even felt that she was afraid of approaching him at that time, because her hand always stopped the moment before touching him.

Because I was afraid that he would really be beaten to death, right?

Hearing her cry, he crawled over and put his arms around her neck.In this exquisite cage, he is her only support.He heard her keep saying "I'm sorry", but he thought he didn't want to hear an apology.

It's not her who should apologize.

Every part of his body hurts, and even his consciousness has become blurred. If only he could hate this woman, it would be easier. ...can also escape from this place.

But somehow, he didn't hate her.

Although I was scared, I never thought about really leaving.

...to take good care of my brother in the future...

Before falling asleep that night, he heard her soft whisper.

He has a younger brother.But the younger brother lives elsewhere... When the younger brother was born, he was too young, and his mother did not have mental problems until then.

But the reason may not be what they say.

When the next day dawned, the closed courtyard door opened, and he saw the man who should be called "father".It was a rough man completely different from what he had imagined.Maybe seeing him in gender-inappropriate clothes, he saw his brow furrowed.The man who came to hold him in his arms was his grandfather, and he was the only one who would visit him regularly these years.

In the empty hall where his mother often stayed, he caught a glimpse of the hem of the pink gauze skirt, and when he looked up, his sight was blocked.The strong rust smell stimulated his sense of smell, and the severe pain on his back has not dissipated. He thought that there will be no new wounds in the future.

"That night, she cut her own wrist."

She seemed to have fallen asleep leaning on the delicate body of the piano, wearing her favorite pink dress.He walked over and leaned against her cold body quietly. He liked her hands very much. Those slender hands were like works of art, and there were almost no flaws. You could only see them when you turned them over to the palms. Ugly marks on fingertips.That's why she always wears pink gloves in the photos.

The rust smell in the house was very strong, but he could still smell her unique light fragrance.

He couldn't remember whether he cried or not.Looking at her peaceful sleeping face, he thought, can she finally have a good rest?The beast that hid within her would torment her no longer.

"...Because..." She was halfway through.

"Well. Marrying someone who doesn't love you is a very painful thing."

Meng Tian said calmly.

"...She is a very respected lady from a famous family." Her voice was a bit sad, "For us, she is almost a perfect senior."

It was precisely because of this that she fell so painfully.

When she married her father, she probably thought that the man who had vigorously pursued her really loved her. ...It turned out that she was just a ridiculous existence for him to escape from reality from beginning to end. What's more ironic is that the person he really loves looks a lot like her.

After knowing this, her heart collapsed.

Perhaps it was because she was so good in the past, if she didn't marry this man, she could even inherit her own family, but she chose to follow her own heart.

She knows better than anyone that happiness cannot be obtained by hard work alone, but she doesn't want to accept that reality either. ... She couldn't bear the pain.

The crying grandfather regretted that it would have been better if they agreed to let her divorce at that time... Even if this matter would become a scandal for a while, it would be better than this ending.

At that time, Meng Tian was very concerned about his father's attitude.It was precisely because of this that he could not forgive this man.

...the sadness and regret afterwards are both fake and disgusting, aren't they?

Now...you should be happy for her.It might not be so bad for her since she is free from unending pain.

If she was still alive, he would still be afraid of her... But now that she is gone, he thought, no one will look at his red fingertips with distressed eyes anymore.