nowhere to be found

After the day he beat me up, there seemed to be peace between us again.

However, the difference is that it became two people who took the initiative to alienate each other.

I don't understand why he distances me, but I don't get closer to him either.

In this way, the one who is safe and secure is approaching graduation.

Influenced by the ideas of the older generation, my mother has been nagging me to go into business with my brother after graduation, and then to match me with a smart woman of the same family.

I finally had enough.

After enduring it for so long, I simply thought that I could gradually get rid of my attachment to that guy.

But this addiction can never be quit. My staying away only made this need deeper and more obvious.

On the day of the college entrance examination, I told my parents directly that I didn't like women.

I like men.

But I didn't tell them that I like only one.

As expected, my father who was a soldier beat me half to death, and my shrewd and capable mother kicked me out of the household registration.

They did this because there was an eldest son in the family, so a homosexual would never be allowed to tarnish the family's reputation.

I don't care, they don't understand anyway.

They didn't understand how torturous it was for me to feel this way, and how hard it was for me to let go of that person.

That night, I left the home of nine years with only ten dollars.

And I'm not going to tell that guy what happened.

That's it, let him forget about me, and don't meet again.

Wandering the streets until the wee hours of the morning, I already figured out what to do next.

I want to leave this city and go outside to find business opportunities.

I should, don't want to come back...

I started to walk aimlessly, and every place was where I left traces with him.

Finally, I asked myself standing at the edge of the field where I used to catch fireflies with that guy.

Can it be done, can I leave?

Unfortunately, I didn't leave just like that.

I sneaked back to the home that no longer belonged to me again, carefully climbed up to the third floor, and entered my former bedroom.

I took a photo.

It was a photo I secretly took of the guy.

The shooting location was in that old coffee shop, when we were just in junior high school.

In the photo, he is holding the porcelain cup, looking at the camera with some surprise and shyness and smiling.

That day, the coffee shop displayed flame lilies, and the flower was placed next to that guy.

I don't know why, but I always feel that this guy is especially suitable for this kind of flower.

With this photo, I leave.

From then on, I want to be alone, in another place where there is no such guy, and live to die.

Inexplicable irony.

this is life?

Is this the life in which my emotions never see the light of day again?

Why do people have to live so tired.

I just fell in love with someone, why should I be looked down upon.

I laughed mockingly.

Those who will never love are the saddest people compared to those who have loved.

It's a pity that they never know where they are wrong, or rather, they don't understand.

They don't understand that there is no right or wrong in love.

·······

When I came to the new city, I immediately started desperately trying to make money.

But it is really much more difficult than I imagined to make money from the bottom.

Because I don't have a college degree, I can only hold a diploma from an ordinary college and bump around to find a job that suits me.

I've spent the night on the street, and I've been sidelined by homeless gangs for trying to gain ground with homeless men.

It's unbelievable to think about these things, and I actually endured them at the time.

Couriers, milk workers, extras, waiters...

Different stores, different regions.

I've had 58 jobs in total, and at one point I could work four in a day.

But I never contacted that guy again.

Actually, I don't plan to contact you anymore.

I felt like I might have gotten out of that guy's maze, time and separation had made me stop caring about him.

I'm thinking it's time to throw away what I thought was love.

Best not to get it back.

So I randomly stuffed the photo I had with me into some corner, and stopped looking for it, and gradually forgot it.

So be it, this may be the best way.

I worked harder and focused on making money to support myself.

It was not until the spring of the third year that I finally settled down.

I worked my way up from waiter to manager at a restaurant.

Maybe it's because the boss is a foreigner, and in his eyes, a smooth person like me is more suitable for the career of a manager.

This boss is not very old, he is only one or two years older than me.But he looks younger than me.

He is of mixed Japanese-American race, and it is said that he left the family that raised him and came here when he became an adult.

What really impressed me about him was that he chatted with me that day and talked about love affairs, and he smiled shyly and said that he liked men.

I stared at his smiling face, finally ended the conversation in a hurry, and ran into my office.

That was the first time I ran away in embarrassment in front of people.

I actually knew where I put that photo all along, I didn't even...

Can't forget it at all.

The boss's smile just now is almost exactly the same as that guy gave me.

It's not how similar their faces are, it's just that there was a little bit of his double image at that moment.

But the similarity of this moment, I can also look at it for so long.

Holding the photo that has turned yellow and old, I thought a lot.

Three years.

I don't know what major that guy applied for. He can't be a teacher. Although he is very nice, he usually doesn't speak, and he always gives people a wooden feeling.

I don’t know if he has become taller, but that guy has been stuck at an embarrassing 1.6 meters nine since his first year of high school, and I often laugh at him.

have no idea·····

I don't know if he's doing well without me.

I laughed at myself again, I am not qualified to ask this kind of question.

In fact, we are not even close friends, and our parents are not really good friends. At most, they just see each other and say hello.

We were just born on the same day, in the same class, and lived in the same residential building.

I'm just a passer-by in his life.

To him, I may be a boat.

I made ripples on his water, and when I disappeared, nothing was left.

Years later he might say, "Oh, this guy is my horse, born on the same day as me, but he moved away."

that's it.

But he didn't know that when I was rowing, I couldn't forget the calm and blue lake.

Later, I dated my boss.

But he and I are not in a relationship. We have never done what lovers do.

All I want is the illusory similar moment that the boss got.

And that boss just wanted to find a companion, no longer living alone in a big empty house.

I love him, why not do it.

Not long after, I happened to meet a former classmate who was quite good on the street, and he was here on a business trip.

As soon as he saw me, he pulled me enthusiastically and said this and that.

"Oh, everyone doesn't know where you are going. Your parents have moved away, and we are so anxious that we can't get in touch with you." He pulled a suitcase and couldn't stop chattering like before.

I smiled and explained that my family and I had separated after we moved out.

"Sorry, I didn't have time to inform you." I said politely.

"Really, if you want to apologize, you should also apologize to Mu Mu. He has been looking for you for a long time, oh yes. Nuo, this is his phone number, remember to get in touch..."

I don't remember what I said later, I just know that a hot spring suddenly came out of my heart.

That guy's nickname, Wood.

That guy is looking for me.

Later, maybe I was lucky, and the investment succeeded and made a lot of money.

What I thought I would do in 30 or [-] years, I suddenly did it now.

It's like Nanke Yimeng.

And I sat in the study for a day with that person's current contact information next to me.

In the end I just wrote a postcard and sent it to the guy.

I do not know what to say.

Because what I want to say, I can't say.

And besides what I want to say, I have nothing to say.