looking away

【read】

Can't find it, can't see it.

I don't feel it if I'm not in it,

Only when you enter the country will you know that it is all empty thoughts.

You bear, you pass.

Don't suffer from the consequences,

It's hard to know even if you love deeply.

66. Private thoughts

Some people cannot hide secrets in their hearts, especially those closest to them.Once there is a secret, even if the other party has not discovered the clue, he will always be suspicious, as if he will be caught in a pigtail at any time.Recently, Xiao Fan is like this.

Right now, she was sitting in the office, staring at her phone in a daze.Thinking back to every conversation with Liu Tong just now.

"What are you busy with? Calling you has been busy."

"Ah? Is that so? No... how come the line is always busy, oh... Maybe it's because I just talked to a client, it's the case I told you last time, remember? I told you , Manager Wang of Four Seas Media said..."

Liu Tong interrupted Xiao Fan impatiently, saying: "I called three times this morning, but the line was busy. This is an inch." Liu Tong complained smoothly, but Xiao Fan heard that there was something in his words.

"Really? How could it be...Are you in a hurry?" Her voice lacked confidence, and she was eager to change the subject.

"How could it be? I can still talk nonsense. It's nothing urgent. I just want to tell you that I will work overtime today and go back later. Oh, by the way, I won't go back if it's too late." Liu Tong was a little unhappy.

"Working overtime again. Then I'll bring you a midnight snack." Xiao Fan was sweating a little.

"No, I don't want any supper, please support my weight loss career. Alright, hang up."

Xiao Fan looked at the hung up phone and heaved a sigh of relief.Since coming back, Zhang Luyun has made one phone call every two days and one WeChat message every day.At the beginning, Xiao Fan thought that as long as he dealt with it in a moderate manner, after ten days and a half months, he would retreat in spite of difficulties.But who would have thought that after more than a month, Zhang Luyun not only showed no signs of stopping, but also became more and more natural as the conversation progressed.The content of the conversation ranged from the daily chores of work to the recent life of the parents, and sometimes they would ask Xiao Fan for advice on some matters.No matter how indifferent Xiao Fan responded, Zhang Luyun was not affected.He properly grasped the friendship boundary between Xiao Fan and Xiao Fan, so that Xiao Fan couldn't find any reason to refuse this very normal communication.

As a result, Xiao Fan became more and more uneasy in his heart.Because, she never talked about it with Liu Tong.

Why do you say that?Xiao Fan comforted himself psychologically: I just met a friend, so there is no need to explain it.It seems that there is no 300 taels of silver here if I deliberately explain it.

But if you don't say it?What if one day Liu Tong catches something?Thinking of this, Xiao Fan couldn't help but panic.The busy line that Liu Tong asked about just now was Zhang Luyun's phone.God, has she discovered something?Were her inquiries hinting at herself?She said she had to work overtime... Could it be because she was unhappy and playing emotions?

But, this is not a sign, is it?After all, she and Zhang Luyun are just ordinary friends, and there is nothing to be afraid of people knowing, so don't worry.

friend?Do friends keep in touch every day?Xiao Fan frowned, and she condemned herself in her heart: when did she start using such self-deceiving words as a shield for self-comfort.Don't you know the other party's intentions?Knowing clearly, but still maintaining contact, isn't this deceiving oneself?

Xiao Fan read his own name in his heart: Xiao Fan, Xiao Fan, don't you really have no selfish intentions and no distracting thoughts?If there is really no one, why are you afraid that Liu Tong will know?If not, why would Dr. Zhang acquiesce in accompanying his father for a physical examination?If there is really no, why do you struggle and hesitate?

Yes, this is selfishness!

Xiao Fan always remembered what his mother said to him when he went home last time.She said her father's heart condition was getting worse and he fell ill once while walking in the park.I was sweating profusely and couldn't breathe in pain.When I was sent to the hospital, the doctor said that luckily I came in time, otherwise my life would be in danger.

Father Xiao didn't let anyone tell Xiao Fan about that hospitalization.He said to his wife, "I won't get better when she comes back, so it's better to let her work with peace of mind." That is, after that hospitalization, my father began to worry about Xiao Fan's marriage.He urged his wife to introduce someone to Xiao Fan, urged Xiao Fan to come back for a blind date, and urged Xiao Fan to have more contacts with others.He hoped to see Xiao Fan's stable life with his own eyes while he was alive.

Xiao Fan listened to his mother's narration and watched his father's aging with his own eyes.She really hated herself for not being able to stay by her parents' side to take good care of her, but also not being able to let her parents be at ease and fulfill their expectations.Is this still a daughter?She began to hesitate, even questioning the choices she had made all along.That's when Zhang Luyun appeared.

At the right time, Dr. Zhang's excellence and initiative became a gift from heaven to Xiao Fan's parents.Xiao Fan saw the love in his mother's eyes, and the approval and appreciation in his father's long-lost smile.What else can she say?

Xiao Fan stood up and went to the window, looking out the window.There were almost no pedestrians on the road, and the scorching sun made the big trees on both sides of the road unmotivated. The slightly curled leaves hung on the branches, waiting helplessly for the wind to come.The grass under the tree is sleeping soundly, and they will never be afraid of the scorching sun under the shade of the tree.When you wake up, you will dance, if you are happy, you will be happy, and if you are hungry, there will be supplies from the roots of the tree.It can't think of the suffering of other companions, nor can it see the burns on the canopy.Xiao Fan sighed softly, the world is the same.Talking about its feelings in it is empty without entry.

And this is precisely the difference between Liu Tong and himself in front of marriage.I am the leaves burned by the scorching sun on the canopy, and the weeds that live elsewhere.As for Liu Tong, her parents divorced when she was in middle school, and her father has lost contact since then.After her mother remarried, her life was not satisfactory, and she only fulfilled her obligation to support Liu Tong. Since Liu Tong went to college, she seldom went home. , but she is like the grass under the tree, without pressure or worries.Therefore, she may never be able to understand Xiao Fan's state of mind and feel Xiao Fan's distress.

Xiao Fan let out a long sigh, she felt as if a thick wall had been built on her chest, blocking air and water, making it difficult for her to breathe.She dared not face up to her selfish desires, did not dare to imagine how to face Liu Tong's questioning, and did not dare to plan for the future.

Xiao Fan knew that although this selfish desire at this moment originated from family affection and selfish thoughts, but this natural selfish thought would eventually hurt others, and it was the person she loved the most that she didn't want to hurt.

The two cannot coexist, what should we do if the more you choose, the more you give up?Xiao Fan didn't know.

67. Betting

Xiao Fan was not in a hurry to leave the company after get off work in the evening, and after dealing with some other matters, he saw that the time was almost eight o'clock.After thinking for a while, she drove the car to Xie Qiu's bar.Xie Qiu's eyes were red, and he kept yawning behind the bar, seeing Xiao Fan coming, he just raised his hand as a greeting.

"Did you sleep well?" Xiao Fan asked.

"Ah."

Gao Yu put the cut fruit plate on the stage, snorted and said, "Yes!"

"You!" Old Xie hesitated to speak, lowered his head angrily.

Xiao Fan looked at the two of them, and seemed to understand something, she smiled slightly: "So our little girl's goal is you."

Lao Xie looked up at Xiao Fan, sighed and said, "Don't make fun of me, what do you want to drink?"

"beer."

"Xiao Fan" Old Xie handed Xiao Fan the beer and said in a low voice, "Let this ancestor go back. I have a family and can't go back. It's terrible. I'm going crazy to deal with it every day in the store. I think Going home to change clothes, you have to sneak back while she's at work. It's like being a thief. You persuade her, take care of her, we are not suitable. I am not a few years younger than her mother, isn't this nonsense... ..."

"Ahem, cough, what are you talking about? You're still sneaking around." Gao Yu threw a rag in front of the two of them.

"I didn't say anything, hey, someone is ordering wine over there, you go and have a look." Lao Xie hurriedly interrupted.After watching Gao Yu leave, she then said to Xiao Fan: "I'm so damn blamed, I'm so bewitched, I saw her crying like a tearful person that day, I couldn't control it for some reason..."

Xiao Fan's eyes widened when he heard this: "Ah? What are you...doing?"

"No, where are you thinking. What I can do is tell her that I like her too. I, I just want to tell her to stop quickly, stop being sad and stop crying. "

"Then do you like it or not?" Xiao Fan asked with a smile after taking a sip of his wine.

"I like it. Damn, what's the point of liking it? It's impossible to like it!" Old Xie scratched his head dejectedly.

"Why? Just because of age?"

"It's easy to deal with age alone. You know about me. Do you think she can go on once she knows?" Xie Qiu paused, and then said, "Xiao Fan, feelings don't depend on I like to stay together. What I want to find at my age is a partner who can go on. I can’t afford to waste time to test and test. Find someone who can really go on, and then cherish every minute and every second, and live a good life For the remaining decades, this is what I want. If I can’t find such a person, I’d rather be alone and not hurt others or myself, that’s fine.”

Xiao Fan knew what Lao Xie meant. For a person over 40, passion and love are not so important anymore, they no longer override life.Xie Qiu will no longer let sensory stimulation and hormone secretion dictate her choices.

"Old Xie, have you asked yourself how much you like it?" Xiao Fan asked slowly.

Xie Qiu looked at Gao Yu busy back and forth in the seat, and gently replied: "I like it very much, even if I am 5 years younger..." Then she shook her head again and said with a smile: "I'm afraid Not even 10 years younger."

Xiao Fan thought for a while, and then asked: "It seems that the obstacles in your concept are all imagined by yourself. Lao Xie, I don't think it's an option to continue like this."

"Yeah, but I didn't make a move. I've said everything I need to say."

Xiao Fan shook his head: "Since going back is useless. Then I suggest you push things forward."

"Tell me." Lao Xie lifted his spirits and listened carefully.

"It's just a holiday, take Lin Lin here for a while."

"This..." Lin Lin is Xie Qiu's son, who is already in the fifth grade.Xie Qiu's family lives in the countryside, and her parents arranged a marriage for her when she was 24 years old, and she got married obediently.Not long after they got married, the two began to go to the city to work. The man worked on a construction site, and Xie Qiu worked as a waiter in a restaurant.Although the life was not rich, it was peaceful enough.A few years later, a son named Lin Lin was born.The couple didn't have time to take care of their children, so Lin Lin grew up in his hometown.After that, things became bloody and simple. Lao Xie's husband did better and better, and started to work alone with several people.When the money was abundant, he thought that he didn't want Lao Xie to work anymore, and wanted her to go home and concentrate on raising the children.Lao Xie also worked as a manager at that time. On the one hand, she was unwilling to give up the results of her hard work, and on the other hand, she didn't like the life of being restrained and arranged by others.The differences between the two are getting bigger and bigger. After the man has money, eating, drinking, whoring and gambling are all new.At first he was scruples, but later he saw that Lao Xie didn't care about him, so he became unscrupulous.One day, when Xie Qiu's friend bumped into her and told her angrily.Who knows, Xie Qiu just smiled and said: He can play as long as he wants, it doesn't matter.The friend asked in surprise: Are you not angry?Old Xie shook his head.

A year before the child started school, the two divorced.The man found a working girl who was 8 years younger than Xie Qiu.During the divorce, the man said to her: "You never loved me at all." Xie Qiu didn't answer, she knew what the man said was right.But what is love?Lao Xie couldn't figure it out, she didn't believe that liking another person would be to the point of forgetting herself, and what she didn't believe was that such love would happen to herself.

Later, Xie Qiu met Sister Shu who runs a bar on the Internet, walked into the les circle, personally verified the love, and bowed her head for love.However, this vigorous relationship did not last long.Before going abroad, Sister Shu transferred the low price of the bar to Lao Xie. She was in tears, but she left without looking back.

Almost all her old friends in the circle don't know about her past events, but no one will mention them again, for fear of making Lao Xie sad.Especially in the past four or five years, Lao Xie's life has become calmer and his business has become smoother, and no one has mentioned the past.As for Lao Xie, she herself lived a very peaceful and fulfilling life with the memory of her deep love.

This peace was not broken until the appearance of Gao Yu.

"Old Xie?" Xiao Fan saw that Lao Xie was silent for a long time, wondering what she was thinking.

"Ah, oh. Xiao Fan, I think what you said is a solution. Lin Linlai, she will definitely retreat in spite of difficulties."

"Yes, not necessarily." Xiao Fan smiled: "I think Gao Yu is young, but she has extraordinary insight and endurance. Hehe, thank you, you have to be mentally prepared. Maybe this push is not a push." It's far away, but it's pushed."

"I can't, Xiao Fan, I can't." Old Xie shook his head like a drum.

"Can't what?" Gao Yu came over and asked.

Xiao Fan looked at Gao Yu's persistent eyes, and replied with a smile: "It's nothing. I made a bet with Lao Xie."

"What are you betting on?" Gao Yu asked curiously.

"Bet on the weather at the end of the month."

"what?"

"If it's cloudy, it's raining. I win. She invites me to drink. If it's sunny, the rain disperses. She's right. I invite her to dinner." When Xiao Fan spoke, he kept staring at Xie Qiu, and Xie nodded. nodded.It's a bet.

Gao Yu looked puzzled: "What kind of bet is this, it's strange." After speaking, he shrugged his shoulders and went to work.

Lao Xie looked at Gao Yu's back and said in his heart: Silly girl, this bet is not only about you, but also about the rest of my life.

68. City Z

It was midnight when I got home.Xiao Fan didn't turn on the light, and sat in the dark living room smoking a cigarette.

She knew that she had to hurry up, she had planned for nearly half a year, and now she couldn't wait any longer.She turned on the computer and typed out all the relevant information about the scar physique that she had found during this period.Since the way of Western medicine treatment was blocked, she began to use her brain in Chinese medicine treatment.Hard work paid off, and Xiao Fan finally found several traditional Chinese medicine hospitals that claimed to be able to treat keloids.After the experience last time, Xiao Fan couldn't bear to let Liu Tong use his body as a price to try to treat him anymore.Therefore, she wanted to do a thorough research and make a comprehensive analysis to see which hospital was more authoritative.She had planned to go to see it in person in autumn, and take Liu Tong to see a doctor after she was sure, but judging from the current situation, she couldn't wait any longer.

Xiao Fan stared at the materials of the three remaining hospitals that had been finally screened in his hand, and decided to go and have a look right away.She was deeply afraid that when Liu Tong found out about Zhang Luyun, he would refuse to trust her, and of course he would refuse treatment.

The next day, Xiao Fan asked the company for a week's leave, and briefly told Liu Tong that he was going out to do some errands. Liu Tong didn't like to ask too many questions, so he helped her pack her things and sent her to the airport.Xiao Fan visited the three hospitals separately as planned, and finally saw hope in Z City Hospital of Traditional Chinese Medicine.The old doctor explained the cause and treatment to her in detail, and told her that this is a very long process. The methods adopted by traditional Chinese medicine are mainly to relieve pain and control the speed of scar expansion. For some people, it can be cured.However, there are still some people who can only wait until the body function degenerates in the process of control, and the scar shrinks and heals on its own.

"Doctor, that means there is no [-]% certainty of cure?" Xiao Fan was a little disappointed.

"Yes. At present, it seems that the healing of keloids is mainly based on the patient's constitution. Especially for the patient you mentioned, keloids that have been treated with hormones are more difficult to treat. You still have to bring her here, and we will see the situation. "

"Okay, then I would like to ask, even if it can't be cured, whether the treatment will play a certain role."

"Of course, I said that it can absolutely control the growth rate of keloids, and can reduce the pain caused by scars. I suggest taking it internally and applying it externally at the same time, so as to restore her physique damage caused by hormones. Then Continue to use the patch to control the condition."

"Well. I'll take her to see it as soon as possible. Thank you doctor." When Xiao Fan went out, he scratched his head with the daily precautions for scar constitution.Except for the meat from pigs, you can’t eat any other meat, you can’t eat all sour fruits, you can’t eat onions, ginger, garlic, and peppers, you can’t eat raw or cold food, you can’t eat seafood, you must quit smoking and drinking, and you must insist on eating seaweed all year round. .With so many restrictions, will Liu Tong listen?Can you hold on?But don't listen or insist, the doctor said that Chinese medicine treatment is useless.

Xiao Fan sighed, no matter so much, take her to see it as soon as possible, and then coax her to do what she can do.Cure must be cured, this kind of thing cannot be left to her temper.

I bought a plane ticket back to ZhH city.Xiao Fan called Liu Tong at the airport, the phone rang for a long time before Liu Tong answered, "Hello."

Xiao Fan heard that the tone was wrong, and asked tentatively, "Are you busy?"

"No."

"I've bought the tickets, I'll be here in the afternoon." Xiao Fan was fiddling with the gift he bought for Liu Tong.

"Yeah." Liu Tong snorted and didn't speak again.

"Hello?" Xiao Fan thought the phone was hung up.

"here I am."

"Are you unhappy?" Xiao Fan asked.

"Yeah." The answer was very happy.

"What's wrong?" Xiao Fan couldn't help but raise the corners of his mouth when he thought about Liu Tong's expression at the moment.

"You, forget it. I'll talk about it when you come back." The voice was upset and irritable.

"Come on, it's about work?" Xiao Fan probed.

"No."

"That's it, Auntie?" Xiao Fan knew that in recent years, Liu Tong's mother was in charge of Liu Tong asking for money, and Liu Tong knew that her mother's asking for money was also posted to that man, so every time she sent money, she was in a bad mood.

"No."

Xiao Fan thought about it again, and asked tentatively, "That is, did Gao Yu make you angry?"

"Guess what? Can she provoke me! It's you, it's you, it's you who provoked me!" Liu Tong has always been impatient, and Xiao Fan asked him a few times, and the fire suddenly caught fire.

"Don't be angry, don't be angry," Xiao Fan sat up straight, thinking about what he had done recently: "Xiao Tong, I was wrong. Don't be angry." Xiao Fan's attitude was sincere.

"Where did you go wrong?"

"I, I don't know, I still hope that the master will express it." Xiao Fan humbly teased Liu Tong.

"Do you think I don't know what you did?"

Xiao Fan thumped in his heart: "Ah, I didn't dare to think that way, you old man knows everything, how dare I hide something, my dear Tong Tong, did you misunderstand something?"

"Misunderstanding? Well, what you said was a misunderstanding. I'll take it as a misunderstanding. When you come back, let's go meet a friend together. Then I'll see how you can make me not misunderstand. "

The phone was hung up, and Xiao Fan couldn't let go of his hanging heart.She quickly called Gao Yu.The phone rang for a long time before it was connected, Gao Yu shouted impatiently during the call: "Hello!" Xiao Fan was startled.

"Gao Yu?"

"what?"

"Did you take gun pills?"

"Yes! I ate it! What's wrong?"

Xiao Fan frowned: "Forget it, I'll hang up."

"Wait a minute," Gao Yu shouted, making Xiao Fan frown.

"If you don't look for me, I still want to look for you."

"What's the matter?" Xiao Fan said.

"What bet did you and Lao Xie make that day?" Gao Yu asked.

"Didn't I tell you?"

"Stop talking, can I believe what you said that day? Think I'm stupid?" Gao Yu's voice was sharp.

"What do you mean?" Xiao Fan was a little impatient.

"What do I mean? I still want to ask you what you mean. Where did Lao Xie get a child to scare me? Was it your idea?" Gao Yu finally got to the point.

"What do you mean having a child? Lin Lin is Lao Xie's child, but you don't know it. Also, what does it mean to scare you? How can a child scare you?" Xiao Fan asked aggressively.

"Why didn't you just scare me? You all know, you all know why you didn't tell me in advance? She took her home suddenly, can I not be confused? When I was confused, I became anxious, and I shouted a few words, and I was caught She was beaten!" Gao Yu's voice was filled with tears.

"What?" Xiao Fan never expected: "Old Xie, did I hit you?"

"Yes, she hit me and told me to get lost. Huh~~~~" Gao Yu began to cry.

"Don't cry first, Gao Yu Gao Yu, tell me what's going on, Lao Xie shouldn't." Xiao Fan still couldn't believe that Lao Xie would beat the woman he liked.

"I saw that she brought a child back and said it was her son. I didn't believe it at all, so I asked her where she got a child to lie to me, and she told me not to talk nonsense. I didn't care, and then called her a coward , She is a big liar. At first she lied to me that she liked me, but now she lied to me to have a child. I said she has the skill of having a child to deceive people, so why not just tell me to get out of here.

Then, then, then I lost my mind, I really didn't mean to, and I pushed the kid.While pushing me, I said: If you are not brave, she will give you money.If you know how to make money to cheat people at such a young age, how can you do it when you grow up?I pushed him out, Lao Xie pulled me, I turned around and pushed her, she slapped me, pushed me to the ground, then put her arms around the child, pointed at me and told me to get out of here.Wow~~~~~~~ Sister Fan, how did I know that it was really her son.I really didn't think of it at all.Sister Fan, why didn't you tell me in advance, Xie Qiu must hate me now, what should I do!Woo~~~~~~”

Listening to Gao Yu's cry, Xiao Fan's mind was disturbed.For someone who has no children and is a child himself.Her behavior like this is really normal, but for a mother, what Lao Xie did is also reasonable.Originally wanted to use the child to test Gao Yu's reaction, who would have thought that there would be a conflict.It's really not as good as man's calculation.

"Gao Yu, don't cry yet. The matter is not as serious as you said. I just want to ask you one thing now, can you accept that Lao Xie has a child? You have to think it over before you say it. You not only have to accept Xie Qiu, but also Be kind to her children. In this way, can you bear it? Is your love enough to tolerate all of this?"

"I can," Gao Yu choked up and said, "I was very angry when she kicked me out, but afterward I thought it was my fault. I yelled at the child indiscriminately. Of course Lao Xie was angry, in front of the child Faced with such a shameless person like her, it’s hard to get off the stage. Sister Fan, I’m not someone who can’t tolerate children. In fact, I like children. It’s because it was so sudden that day. I didn’t expect it. I like everything about Lao Xie, so how could I not like her favorite child?"

Gao Yu said it sincerely, Xiao Fan thought for a while with his mobile phone and then said: "Okay, when I go back, I'll talk to Lao Xie. Don't go to Lao Xie's for a few days."

"Well. Sister Fan, you must help me. I can't eat or sleep well these days, and I'm so sad."

"Okay, I'm about to board the plane. Let's not talk anymore." Xiao Fan was about to hang up the phone when he suddenly remembered something: "Wait, Gao Yu. Does your sister Tong know about this?"

"Ah? Her, I didn't tell her, and I didn't know that she didn't know. I dare not say it, because I'm afraid she will scold me."

"Oh," Xiao Fan thought, if it's not this matter, then what could it be?

"Sister Fan, do you have anything else to do?" Gao Yu asked.

"It's okay, hang up. We'll talk about it when we go back."

The author has something to say:

Can't find it, can't see it.

I don't feel it if I'm not in it,

Only when you enter the country will you know that it is all empty thoughts.

You bear, you pass.

Don't suffer from the consequences,

It's hard to know even if you love deeply.