Xiaoman

The sophomore year of high school must have been special to Liu Xiaoman. After the amputation in childhood, he experienced a long time to change his growth for the second time.

Meeting Xia Liang, liking Xia Liang, being with Xia Liang, changes in the family, grandpa’s stroke, exhaustion while waiting for waking up, grades slipping one after another, breaking up, dizzy self-paralysis, transferring grandpa to another hospital, starting rehabilitation… ...If a person's feelings are completely divided according to the three equal parts of relatives, friends and love, then he will fully feel the chaos of two of them in this year.

Before he fell ill, his grandfather told him that there are countless experiences in a person's life. The blessings and hardships that should be enjoyed are all there. The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks it makes sense.

There is no reason to have it.

He must believe that the suffering that God arranged for him has a leader, and he has concentrated all the setbacks in his life in this period.

Otherwise, if you think about the endless ups and downs in the future, you will really be exhausted.

So in May of that year, my grandfather went to the rehabilitation hospital, and Liu Xiaoman took care of himself—whether personal concerns or family upheavals, the most painful and difficult part finally subsided, and the rhythm of life gradually returned to normal, "Xiaoman" came That day, the birthday wish Liu Xiaoman made for himself was just like this.

He doesn't try to develop everything in a better direction, and he doesn't dare to look forward to it, so he just moves forward smoothly, and there are no more accidents.

Thinking about it after the promise, he still had a little selfishness and added three more.

Hope grandpa is better.

Xia Liang is better.

Brother Yangyang, who is about to take the exam, performed steadily, got good scores in the exam, and was admitted to a good school.

He actually has no idea about birthdays. He lives with his grandfather all year round. Under the influence of the old man, it's not a big deal if he doesn't have a birthday.

The big disadvantage is that the grandfather cooks two more dishes, and the grandfather and grandson say a few words at the dinner table, and that's it.

So that day when he came back from the rehabilitation hospital after seeing his grandfather, he was really surprised to see the little cake that Aunt Mei had put on the table.

"Your father told me a few days ago that today is Xiaoman's birthday." Aunt Mei happily put a birthday hat on his head, "After today, I will be eighteen."

The hat was bought as a gift from a cake, and it was made of plastic paper, and the card was not secure. Liu Xiaoman held it up with his hand, not knowing what to say for a moment.

"Thank you, Aunt Mei." He said to Aunt Mei, glanced at Liu Yong, but still couldn't open his mouth, so he nodded.

"Let's eat." Luckily, Liu Yong didn't know what to say, so he put Cancan, who was inexplicably excited and screaming, on the dining table, "Eat."

This is the first time that the four of them in their "family" have sat down to eat together.

The process of blowing out the candles and making a wish in the birthday song was omitted. Although Aunt Mei always played up the atmosphere brightly, Liu Xiaoman was still a little uncomfortable, as if surrounded by a few half-baked people, slightly embarrassed.

But my heart still warmed up.

After the meal, he helped clean up the dishes, but Aunt Mei chased him away, not letting him touch his hands.

Liu Xiaoman went to grandpa's room to sit for a while, then pulled out the small box under the bed.

"What... does this mean?" Aunt Mei wrapped her hands in dish soap, looked at him, and then at the household registration book he handed over.

"Grandpa gave it to me." Liu Xiaoman put the household registration booklet on the stove next to him, "Give Cancan the household registration, it's time for kindergarten."

Aunt Mei was stunned for a long time.

Liu Xiaoman didn't say much to her, and conveyed the meaning of grandpa clearly, regardless of how she discussed with Liu Yong, turned and went back to the room.

When grandpa told him this in the afternoon, he was quite uncomfortable. It was not because he felt uncomfortable that he had to add a person to the household registration book.

He felt that his grandpa's mind was half blunted, he still couldn't remember many things, he couldn't even speak fluently, and he was worried about his future arrangements.

"From now on, I won't be here anymore, you...you, just, yes, family." Grandpa dragged the corner of the quilt and said to him, trying to pronounce the words clearly, "They are, you, still ,return……"

"It's good for me." Liu Xiaoman took the words in a soft tone.

Grandpa nodded. The expressions he can make now are very limited, but Liu Xiaoman can see the emptiness and boredom in his eyes: "Wait for me someday, die, one less, tired, redundant, should, can, Treat you better, well, a little bit."

Liu Xiaoman couldn't hear what grandpa said.

Now he is not afraid that his grandpa will struggle to walk and speak, or that after his illness he will lose his temper like a child from time to time, but he is afraid that his grandpa will feel bored.

Doctors say that after a stroke, they cannot accept the changes, and many people commit suicide due to depression, especially for middle-aged and elderly people.Liu Xiaoman was really afraid that one day grandpa would not be able to think about it, and he would not even dare to think about what would happen to him at that time.

"Grandpa, don't think about it," he interrupted his grandfather, and stuffed an orange into his weak right hand, asking him to peel it together with him, "I have to take you shopping when I am admitted to university next year. It's all over, you have to cooperate with the doctor to practice hard, walking training and language training, you have to..."

"I, annoying, practice speaking." Grandpa interrupted him irritably, "Every day, read, twist, password."

Liu Xiaoman smiled and talked about other interesting topics to divert Grandpa's attention.

While doing the questions, he was thinking about his grandfather's rehabilitation arrangements, when someone knocked on the door, Liu Xiaoman went to open the door, and Fan Yiyang was standing outside.

"Brother Yangyang." Liu Xiaoman called out, letting him in, and Aunt Mei enthusiastically cut a piece of cake for him to eat.

"Thank you." Fan Yiyang smiled, Cancan stuck behind Aunt Mei's legs and stared at him, and he scratched Cancan's head.

"You didn't study hard, why come to me now?" Liu Xiaoman closed the door.

"Can I not come for my birthday?" Fan Yiyang put the cake plate on the table, and put down a paper bag at the same time.

"It's not my birthday." Liu Xiaoman smiled shyly.

"I have to worry about you if you can't pass, and I have to worry about my mother if I don't." Fan Yiyang also smiled, sat down by the bed, and pointed to the paper bag, "Fan Shen's exclusive pure dry goods review notes, next year one, two, three rounds will be directly Just hold it and use it."

"Thank you Brother Yangyang." Liu Xiaoman was not very polite with him, and there was no way to be polite, they were all real treasures.

Flipping through the paper bag, there is also a brand-new book of math problems, a version he has never seen before, the cover is very plain, he opened it to see, the content is quite good.

Fan Yiyang has this habit of buying two copies of the title and always giving it to him.

"The exam is coming up in a few days. Can I finish it if I buy the questions now?" He looked at Fan Yiyang, "Don't worry about doing it, gather your energy, and watch your eyes turn blue."

"I didn't give you this." Fan Yiyang rubbed his face, "Luo Hao gave it to you."

"Huh?" Liu Xiaoman was stunned.

Luo Hao?

"You said that I can understand what Lu Hang sent me..." He flipped through the question book again, "What did he send me for?"

It was still a math problem.

Luo Hao sent him a math problem. The logic of this sentence is simply that Guo Degang gave Wang Houxiong a basket of watermelons.

Not next to each other at all.

"Who knows, he said he was in a hurry to go online, handed it to me through the window and let me give it to you, and then left." Fan Yiyang looked at him.

Liu Xiaoman glanced at him, didn't speak any more, his heart became active, he lowered his head and turned for a long time.

He has an answer in his heart, but...

"Xiaoman." Fan Yiyang was still looking at him, his eyes suddenly became heavy, "When the college entrance examination is over..."

He seemed to have suddenly decided what he wanted to say to Liu Xiaoman, he hesitated, bit his lip and frowned.

"Huh?" Liu Xiaoman's attention was all taken away by the question in his hand, and he didn't wait for Fan Yiyang's next words for a long time, so he quickly looked up at him, "What? What are you going to do after the college entrance examination?"

"It's okay." Fan Yiyang's eyelids drooped, and the corners of his mouth forced upwards, "I will be liberated after the college entrance examination."

Liu Xiaoman smiled, he was really happy all of a sudden, and touched the question set again, the one who didn't dare to think too much might feel hot in his heart: "Yes."

The two days of Fan Yiyang's college entrance examination were not good weather.

The school was going to set up an examination room, and Liu Xiaoman took two days off to accompany his grandfather in the rehabilitation hospital with a schoolbag of homework.

"It's raining forever," Aunt Mei took Cancan with him, sitting on the edge of the bed peeling an apple and muttering, "It's annoying."

Liu Xiaoman looked up, the window was dark, and the rain was slapping on the glass obliquely, and it hadn't been seen for a long time.

"Master, Brother Yangyang is taking the college entrance examination today." Liu Xiaoman turned to his grandfather and said.

Grandpa slumped in the recliner and didn't speak.

He was in a bad mood and wet the bed the night before. The nurse probably said a few words when changing the sheets, but then he dropped something and startled the nurse.

Now it was raining heavily, and the wet mattress could be hung beside the bed to dry, so he ignored no one, and the apple that Aunt Mei handed over was also smashed open.

"This old man..." Aunt Mei went to pick up the apples, put them in a small bowl, soaked them in water, and gave them to Cancan, "If you don't want to eat them, you can eat them."

Cancan gnawed the apple expressionlessly.

Liu Xiaoman looked at his grandfather for a while, then tucked the blanket on his knees again, feeling churn in his heart, always feeling that something was going to happen.

I don't know whether to say good or bad. Facts have proved time and time again that his intuition has always been very accurate.

——The next day when it was dawn, it was still raining, and grandpa finally played suicide for him.

I just thought about it, and tried to implement it, but my legs and feet were too bad. I just climbed up to the roof and before I got to the side of the building, Liu Yong rushed over with the night doctor and security guards and dragged him back.

Liu Xiaoman searched anxiously for a long time, and then climbed up to the roof. Seeing his grandfather's drenched back, his knees became weak. When Liu Yong called "Dad" and rushed over, he was in the rain and the fear that he couldn't think about. , sitting down on the stairs.

fortunately.

He could only think of these two words.

Grandpa attempted suicide, and he lost his temper, yelling inarticulately why he saved him, the person who can't hold back his shit, just die.

No one dared to say anything about him. The doctor gave him some medicine to soothe his emotions, and took turns looking at grandpa to let him sleep.

Liu Xiaoman was immersed in the aftertaste of "fortunately" all day long, he couldn't think of anything, his heart was empty and he couldn't find the bottom, there was a kind of chaotic numbness that could not be grasped from the inside to the outside.

It's raining so badly that the sky is about to leak, everything that should happen has happened, and all bad things should be over, right?

If there is still something that should have happened, let's come together, and let's end together.

But Liu Xiaoman really didn't expect that Fan Yiyang would carry the last blow that life hit him.

Fan Yiyang came over as soon as the college entrance examination was over.

At that time, Liu Xiaoman saw that the water bottle was empty and went to fetch water.

"Help me watch grandpa," he picked up the water bottle and told the nurse, "don't let my grandpa wake up alone."

"Okay, you go, I'll leave when someone comes." The nurse said.

When he came back with the water bottle, he saw Fan Yiyang sitting beside the bed, talking to his grandfather.

Liu Xiaoman originally wanted to push the door open and go in, but raised his arms when he suddenly heard "telephone pole".

Fan Yiyang could actually feel that someone was coming back, but he couldn't stop.

dare not stop.

No matter who is standing outside the door, he cannot stop.

This time he stopped, and he may not have the courage to speak again in the rest of his life. Self-blame and guilt are too heavy, and carrying it for a lifetime can break a person down.

"...the person who climbed the electric pole at that time," he looked at his sleeping grandfather, his heartbeat was so violent that it made people tremble, and his scalp was covered with sweat, "it should be me."

He closed his eyes and squeezed the palms of his knees to vent his strength a little bit.

Liu Xiaoman fell from the telephone pole, and lost not only an arm, but also some chaotic memories in a coma.

He forgot why he climbed the telegraph pole. He was so young at that time, and the children gathered together to play in a mess. They had no brains and logic. They ran away in a swarm, and stopped in a swarm. Fan Yiyang himself couldn't remember who started it. When climbing a tree was mentioned, whoever extended his thinking, proposed a sentence "Who dares to climb a telephone pole", and whoever shouted "Dare Fan Yiyang".

Fan Yiyang didn't dare, the new clothes he wore that day, before going out to play, his mother told him not to rub dirty clothes for a long time.

"If you don't climb, you have to find someone to replace you!" said a child.

He looked at Liu Xiaoman almost subconsciously, Liu Xiaoman played best with him, every time he was with someone, Liu Xiaoman would follow him, he would do whatever he asked Liu Xiaoman to do.

Just that one glance, when the adults asked later, everyone said that Liu Xiaoman crawled by himself, and everyone subconsciously left themselves clean.But Fan Yiyang understood that if he didn't hint or take a look, everything wouldn't be what it was later.

They are all too young, too naive, and too ignorant.

Knowing that Liu Xiaoman only had one arm left, he had a nightmare for a long time. In the dream, Liu Xiaoman looked at him with clear eyes and asked, "Brother Yangyang, why do you want to look at me?"

This dream has weighed on him for more than ten years. He doesn't know how the other children who played with him at that time are doing now, those who moved when they grew up moved to different schools, and whether they still remember the period when everyone was guilty and everyone was indifferent. He can deceive himself about the past that "has nothing to do with me", he can't forget it.

Every year, every day, every time he sees Liu Xiaoman's arms, as they grow up and understand the world more and more, the guilt piled up in his heart becomes more and more serious.

Apart from trying to be nice to Liu Xiaoman, he didn't know what he could do.

He only knew that sooner or later he would tell these things, especially after Xiaoman's grandfather had a stroke, Liu Xiaoman, who murmured that he didn't know what to do with one arm, almost crushed him too.

"I'm sorry." After saying the last word, Fan Yiyang wiped his face, not daring to see if Grandpa was awake, so he stood up and turned to leave.

Seeing Liu Xiaoman standing at the door, his legs were weak, and he wanted to call Xiaoman, beat me and scold me, but it was difficult to open and close his jaw.

Liu Xiaoman didn't want to hit him either, he opened his mouth, his eyes were completely empty.

This feeling is very strange, he seems to have found the source of all suffering, the source of venting, but this source cannot be established, anger does not become anger, fire does not become fire, every word of Fan Yiyang falls in his ears, matching his feelings for himself Every point is good, every detail, in the end, it only brings about a loss as if something has collapsed.

"You said that after the college entrance examination, you will be liberated," he heard his voice asking Fan Yiyang vaguely, "Is this what you mean?"

Fan Yiyang's eye circles quickly turned scarlet.

"...I'm sorry." He apologized again.

Liu Xiaoman shook his head: "You first... let's go, I don't really want to talk right now."

He has to think.

Fan Yiyang wanted to say something more, but he was not in the mood to listen, so he went straight into the ward and closed the door.

How do you say something?When a person despairs to a certain extent, no more despair will knock him down.

Liu Xiaoman thought for a long time in a daze. He thought that he would suffer, collapse, and feel that the world was crooked. Those he loved would leave, and those he trusted would deceive. The world was like an unfair joke to him from the beginning to the end. .

But he stared out of the window for a long time, but his heart was stagnant, without the slightest ripple.

Maybe the despair has reached the bottom, and I really can't feel more despair.

Could it be worse?

Could it be worse?

How bad could it be?

He couldn't quite figure it out.

The old Liu Xiaoman has truly lost everything about his childhood.

You are too strong, Liu Xiaoman.

He encouraged himself in his heart.

Hold on this round, and nothing will break you in the future.

Staring out of the window for a while, Liu Xiaoman's wandering eyes fixed on a certain point, and then he smiled softly.

"Master, the longevity flower is blooming now." He pointed.

It was Grandpa who answered him with a sob.

Liu Xiaoman turned his head and saw his grandfather looking at him on the bed, crying like a child with his mouth crooked, tears streaming down his face.

He couldn't help laughing again, and went to wipe away his tears for Grandpa, squatted down beside him, and gently pillowed his head on Grandpa's no longer firm, already emaciated knee.

"The longevity flowers are in bloom, you have to live well." He said softly.