give you a soft spot

I am leaving this early autumn.The lonely courage I brought when I came was exhausted, and I lost my heart when I left.

At the same time yesterday, I was still snuggled up in Xi Zhuo’s arms. I was sitting alone in the waiting hall. The city I was about to leave meant a lot to me. I studied here for university, and I met love here.

Now that I am leaving, there is a strong sense of desperation, as if as soon as I leave this time, it will cease to exist and I will never come back.

It is me who makes the decision, it is me who is sad, it is me who wants to leave first, and it is me who is reluctant to part.

"He devoted himself to his work and successfully hid his sexual orientation for so many years. After you appeared, he couldn't hold back anymore. I have to say that you must be very compliant with his wishes, but Cheng Ming, whether it's you or me, is indifferent." You shouldn't wait for him to be destroyed. If someone must bear your unwillingness and resentment, then I will do it, okay?"

The last words Bai Yang said before I got out of the car were still clearly in my ears. I didn't answer, nor did I look at him. At that time, the hand that opened the door was like I boarded the plane without hesitation after hearing the announcement.

How can I have the right to hate anyone, I don't even have the right to love anyone.

Three hours later, I landed in the city where I was born and raised, like a wanderer who has been wronged and fled back to his hometown, breathing eagerly, stepping on the ground steadily, all the sadness was suddenly pinned, even if it was only for a moment.

I took the car from the airport and wanted to call my mother, but the phone hadn't been turned on since it was turned off last night, and it was in my trouser pocket, like a brick.

When I got home, my mother hadn't woken up yet. When she came to open the door, she was surprised to see me outside. Her eyes were filled with joy but she was pretending to be angry: "You child, why didn't you tell me in advance when you came back."

I carried the suitcase into the house: "I want to surprise you."

Instead of telling my mom I quit, I told her I was on vacation.

"Son, when are you leaving?"

I don't know, I hesitated and couldn't tell the date, so I had to lie and tell her to wait for the company's notice.

Ms. Yuan Shujie was very happy. As soon as the sun was shining, she cleaned up and went to buy vegetables.

I didn't discourage her enthusiasm, and said that after going back to the room to catch up on sleep, I shut all the sounds out of the door.

I'm back, there is a place to come back to when I don't know where to go, and there is someone waiting for me to come back all the time, I am not pitiful.

Poor is a label that the weak are good at using for themselves, and I don't want to be a weak person.

However, empty words can only last for a while. I think I have a strong heart, but in the week after returning home, I was decadent to the end, eating and drinking according to my physical needs, like a useless person.

The aunt at the door has always been superstitious, insisting that I recruited unclean things, but luckily my mother doesn't believe it.She cooks different food for me every day, but my appetite is not bad, and the feeling of fullness in my stomach makes me sure that I am still alive.

I will also examine myself carefully and suspect that it is the so-called emotionally hurt self-enclosed emotion.

But it doesn't look like it is.

The biggest feeling is that the whole person is very empty, and I spend more time in a daze than sleeping. The only thing that can make me refreshed is the phone card that I pulled out and put in the drawer. I often go to see if it is still there, because That was the only connection I could possibly still have with Xi-Jo.

In the dead of night, I would take it out and put it back on my phone. When I saw his message, I would always lie on the bed and cry uncontrollably, but I didn’t dare to make a sound.

He asked the most: Cheng Ming, where are you?

The joke that we had dinner together that night turned out to be a prophecy, I really got mixed into the vast crowd, and Xi Zhuo really couldn't find me.

Will he miss me very much, will he be sad.

What does it have to do with me? Sooner or later, he won't remember me if he doesn't mention me anymore. After all, no one can beat the ruthless time.

There are two most beautiful things in the world, one is something you cannot get, and the other is something you are forced to lose.

Now Xi Zhuo and I, I am what he asks for, and he is what I am forced to lose.

It's the best ending, isn't it?

If you haven't learned to love, you must first learn to forget. This is my love, and this is my destiny.

I don't turn on the Internet, don't watch TV and don't go out, because I know that the whole world will be full of his news.

I walked into the dark night without dawn alone, and the light behind me deviated from me. No one knew where I was, and no one saw my sad eyes.

Bi Gong, who was busy opening a new store, knew that I was dissatisfied that I didn't go to him when I came back. He came to my house and yelled that I was a mess, so he looked down on Fa Xiao.

I was sitting in front of the window drawing the pot of flowers raised by my mother. When I turned around, he gave a startled cry and said in a strange tone: "This is a man, I thought the national treasure had become a spirit, what did you do to make it look like this. "

The pen in my hand was still sliding on the paper, I wanted to give him a smile, but I was afraid that the smile would be too fake.

Seeing that I didn't speak, he pulled a chair over and sat down: "Your mother said that you may be exhausted from work and sleep in the room all day after you get home. Are you stupid?"

"You're so stupid," I turned my head to stare at him, "I'm not doing well."

Bi Gong curled his lips and said, "Is it okay for you to do this?"

I stood up and moved my numb legs: "What's wrong with me."

Bi Gong stared at me and said slowly: "I can't tell, I just feel that except this skin is Cheng's name, everything else has been swapped."

"Don't talk nonsense."

"Hey, I really didn't say this, it was your mother who went to my house and said, no, I have to find you to hang out with me some time, just like when you were a child, you locked yourself in the room every time you failed the exam Same."

I snorted with my nose: "She thinks too much, I just didn't sleep well."

"I can't sleep well at home, so there is no place to sleep well."

I thought Bi Gong was noisy, so I agreed to go out for dinner with him on the weekend without distraction. After he left, I stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom.

A face that is no longer familiar, but it looks more and more strange, it has never been so rough, the hair is not taken care of, the beard is not shaved, and it is several years old.

The dark circles under the eyes are the product of long-term poor sleep at night, or it may be that they dare not sleep deeply, afraid of seeing each other in their dreams. Xi Zhuo asked me why I didn't contact him, but I couldn't answer.

Raising my arm, I brushed aside the hair on my forehead that was covering my eyes, completely revealing my brows and eyes, and I looked into those dull eyes.

Seems to have split into two roles.

One is asking, Cheng Ming, do you still remember your dream?

Another was saying, I'm not interested in dreaming, I'm not even interested in living.

Compared with falling in love, the more painful thing is self-denial. I can't see the light in the future I want to go. I have been cut off from the motivation and I just want to stay where I am, with no desires or desires.

It turned out that what was taken away from me was not only Xi Zhuo, but also the fire of dreams burning in my heart.

While wanting to go out very much, while being afraid of going out, while encouraging myself, while beating myself up, I was mentally and physically exhausted and I didn't know when to stop consuming myself.