Baima Weiyang

On March 12th, Raojiong Fire Dog Year, No. [-] in the Tibetan calendar, I stood on the top of Yaowang Mountain, holding a cold porcelain pot in my arms.Tsangyang Gyatso sat cross-legged at the side, softly reciting sutras for salvation.When he stood up, I slowly opened the porcelain lid, reached out and grabbed a handful of Tashi Puncuo's ashes and held them in mid-air.

Tsangyang Gyatso tightened his arms around my waist, and I leaned against his chest, tears from the corners of my eyes wet his cassock.I watched my clenched hands slowly loosen without moving, and the ashes were blown down bit by bit by the wind until they could no longer be seen.

I looked at the direction where the wind was going away, and waved my hand outstretched in the air.You should have lived a peaceful life and shouldn't be involved in this dispute. It's all because of me.Tashi Pingcuo, goodbye, don't meet me again in your next life, so you should be able to live a happier life...

Saying goodbye to him completely, the pain of losing a loved one fades day by day with the passage of time.Although I will never heal the wound Tashi Puncuo gave me, and I can't let go of it, but now I can accept the fact that he has left me forever, and I can start to miss him peacefully, no longer sad and cry, and cherish the happiness now.

The days in Katangjiri were plain and sweet, and I changed my laziness in the past and decided to work and rest with Tsangyang Gyatso.Every day, when the first ray of morning light falls from the transparent window on the roof, I wake up in his kiss, open my eyes and lie in his arms for a while, then get up with him, wash and dress.

Tsangyang Gyatso would not stay in the palace during the day, so I would find something to do to pass the time by myself. When it got dark, I would sit in the rocking chair and stare at the door waiting for him to come back.Sometimes I feel in a trance that we are just a couple in love, like all ordinary couples in the world, without the ties of religious identity or the shackles of secular ethics.

If so, how good would it be?Isn't it too beautiful, that scene is even a luxury for imagination.I feel bitter in my heart, and I can only comfort myself with the fact that everything in the world is always good or bad.Perhaps it is because of all kinds of resistance that we cherish each other more...

I raised my hand and took the bamboo pen to absorb the ink. I supported my head and wrote casually on the paper with the tip of the pen.Looking at the sun hanging high outside the window, it was already noon. At this time in the past, Danba would have brought lunch here long ago, but today seemed a little strange.Although I didn't feel much hunger in my stomach, but I had nothing to do, I simply went to the rocking chair and sat down, swaying and staring at the transparent window above my head.

When Tsangyang Gyatso walked in, I was about to fall asleep in a trance.But as soon as the body was picked up by him, the sleepiness suddenly ran away.I opened my eyes and stared at him, but he stared back blankly.It took me a while to come back to my senses, "Why are you here?" Before he could answer, I sighed to myself, "Oh, it's useless to come, you can't accompany me this afternoon."

Cangyang Gyatso's eyes turned soft, and just about to say something, he could see my face, and his warm palm suddenly reached out to my forehead, as expected, the voice from his ear was almost as hard as a stone, "Get out of bed before the fever subsides?!"

"Yeah." I nodded calmly, resting my chin on his shoulder, "Anyway, it's burning when lying down, it's the same." Cangyang Gyatso was silent for a while, and gently placed me on the bed, stretching out his hand to replace me After pulling down the pulu blanket, I looked at me reproachfully, "I'm weak and don't know how to take good care of myself."

I snorted, and turned my eyes to the wall beside me, "I deserve to be sick, who told me to offend the gods." After hearing this, Cangyang Gyatso stretched out his hand and pulled my face back, and suddenly stuck the wet cloth towel On my forehead, "I'm quite clear-headed." I was taken aback and kicked him.Cangyang Gyatso took my kick without avoiding it, stretched out his hand to grab my knee, and stuffed it back into the pulu blanket with no expression on his face, "You're getting skinny again?"

"Alas..." I sighed lowly, my eyes flicked on his face dully.I don't know what's going on. Ever since we got intimate that night, I've started to have a fever intermittently. It's good and bad, and taking medicine to rest doesn't work.Cangyang Gyatso took the pulse for me many times, but he couldn't find the cause.I know that I am guilty, although I don't take it seriously, but I always feel a little uneasy in my heart.

I was fed another bowl of dark concoction and ate a few pieces of pastries. I fell asleep in a daze with Tsangyang Gyatso's arm as my pillow.I vaguely heard him talking in my ear, but I didn't pay much attention to it. When I woke up, Katang Kiri had disappeared.

I turned my sore neck and rubbed my temples, my head seemed not as groggy as it was before going to bed.Trying to recall Cangyang Gyatso's words just now, I only vaguely remember that it seems that the fifth king came to Lhasa.Now, I am no longer surprised by such things, and I will not speculate as much as I did back then.

Shaking my head and trying to cheer up, I got out of bed and sat down at the desk. I was just thinking about what to do to pass the long afternoon when Danba came in in a hurry.He handed a letter to my hand, panting and said, "This is sent to you by the king of Tibet..."

I was stunned, "La Zang?!" The feminine face that had calmed down in my mind for a long time emerged, and my chest was immediately filled with a trace of anger.Danba breathed calmly, frowned, and said, "The person who delivered the letter said that you will regret it if it is not delivered to you in time. Danba didn't dare to delay, and sent you the letter before it was too late to report to the master."

When I heard this, my heart sank, and I took the letter and hurriedly shook the letter paper away, looked carefully, but there was only one sentence, "Dolma, I want to see you", my eyes moved down, and it was written "" Ngawang Rinchen" four words...

Secretly restraining my heavy breathing, I tried to calm down. After thinking about it, I didn't recognize Ngawang Rinchen's notes, but I felt that this was not Lhazang's conspiracy. The only possibility was that Ngawang Rinchen had fallen In the hands of Lazang.

I paced back and forth, and there was no time to inform Cangyang Gyatso. After thinking for a while, I looked up at Danba, "The messenger is still waiting outside the palace?!" Firmly, "Take me to see him, and when you have a chance, send someone to report to the master." "Yes." Danba glanced at me, then turned around and led me out.

From a distance, I saw the figure of Gaojigeri appearing beside the turning path, and it became clearer and clearer as I walked.The well-made Mongolian robe hurt my eyes. I spent so much time to heal the pain, but I still can't forget the hatred buried in my heart.Even a trace of Mongolian breath can easily arouse the prairie fire in my chest.

This is still the case when I see Gao Jigeri, I really can't predict what impulsive action I will have if I see Lhazang later.Biting her lower lip hard, a bloody smell lingered in her tongue.I kept telling myself to be patient, I didn't know how many times I repeated it, until a handsome figure came into view.

"Ngawang Rinchen..." I stared blankly at the person who was a few steps away, my legs seemed to be caught by lead blocks, and I couldn't move a step.Ngawang Rinchen walked towards me, walking slowly, but with a faint smile on his delicate face.Seeing that his expression was normal, I couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief, and the restraints under my feet seemed to be loosened.

"Dolma, you..." Ngawang Rinchen called me suddenly, and the weakness in his voice surprised me.I raised my eyes in a panic, and the handsome figure had stopped in front of my eyes, and the hand reaching out to me was fixed in mid-air.I was taken aback, and I hurriedly reached out to hold it, but Ngawang Rinchen's body fell down without warning.

My legs gave way and I fell to my knees beside him.Raising his hand to touch his cheek, he realized that his face was already pale, and there was no blood on his thin lips, "Awang Rinchen...Awang Rinchen, what's wrong with you?!"

"Dolma, I...I really want to see you..." Ngawang Rinchen spoke with difficulty, with cold sweat dripping from his forehead.I panicked and burst into tears, checking his robe back and forth, but didn't find any scars.

My fingers touched his back inadvertently, and I was taken aback, my hands were covered with blood.Looking along his shoulder in disbelief, a Mongolian dagger was pierced on his thin back, blood even mottled all the way along the bluestone slab he had just walked on.

I was so startled that I sat down on the ground, clutching Ngawang Rinchen's arm tightly, and couldn't even cry out, "You...you'll be fine, no! I...I'll stop the bleeding for you, Danba, go to the doctor quickly!"

Turning around to look at Danba, he was also looking at Ngawang Rinchen in horror, nodded repeatedly, turned around and was about to leave, but was stopped by the weak voice, "No need!" Ngawang Rinchen reached out and grabbed me The smile on his face was a bit sad, "It's too late. Dolma, let... let me talk to you for a while..."

"No! Don't say it! I'll go to the doctor right away, you'll be fine, you won't..." I felt my voice getting lower and lower, until it was almost hoarse. I cried with my headache, but the fear in my heart was gone It gets bigger and bigger.I looked up at Ngawang Rinchen, who was looking at me steadfastly, his thin lips trembling slightly, "Dolma, I'm sorry...it's all because...because of my father, your brother...yes, I'm sorry..."

"No, it's not!" I shouted excitedly, tears gushing from my eyes drenched my cheeks, "It's none of your business at all, and it's not your dad's fault, Tashi's death is because of me, it's all Because I... Now I have hurt you again, sorry, I am an ominous person, I..."

"No, you're not..." Ngawang Rinchen held my palm firmly, and raised the other hand to rub it on my forehead, "You are the best girl Rinchen has ever seen, just... It's a pity that you...love...not me. Dolma..." He moved his fingers slowly, and his cool fingertips touched my cheek, "Promise me...don't blame yourself, you...you didn't hurt me, just ...Even if...he fell in love with you, he...would never let me go..."

"Ngawang Rinchen...don't! Don't leave me..." I burst into tears and clutched his shoulders, tears slid down his robes, making deep and shallow marks, "Tashi has gone, even Are you going to leave me too? How can you be so cruel... How can I bear it..."

"Dolma!" The arm was suddenly held tightly, and Ngawang Rinchen looked at me angrily, "Promise me, don't blame yourself! Otherwise... I... I won't... die... feel at ease ..."

As soon as the words fell, Ngawang Rinchen's painful expression suddenly froze on his face.I swayed, and sat back on the ground in despair. I let the hands on my arms loosen slowly, and my chest suddenly felt heavy.

I hugged Ngawang Rinchen's fallen body tightly, my eyes were so dry that I could no longer shed tears, "You all lied to me, you all lied to me! Everyone said they wouldn't blame me, but in the end they took revenge on me like this... ..."

I waited blankly for a while, but couldn't wait for any response.Feeling that the body in my arms is gradually getting colder, my heart sank inch by inch.It hurts, it really hurts, too much pain that has been accumulated for a long time, rebounding uncontrollably, burning my flesh like a fire...

A pair of bronze-colored Mongolian boots stood still in front of my eyes. I didn't want to look up, but I heard Lhazang's mocking voice ringing in my ears, "Hmph, can't you bear it?"

I paused and pushed Ngawang Rinchen's body to Danba who was watching.Danba looked at me uneasily, and silently motioned him not to act rashly. After I took a deep breath, I stood up, "Isn't this what you want to see?"

Perhaps it was the undisguised sarcasm in my eyes, Lazang's indifferent face was filled with anger, "Dawa Dolma, until now, you still don't know how to repent?!"

"Regret for what?" I sneered, and my eyes slowly swept to his feminine cheeks, "I choose, and I never regret. Those who can regret, I can't escape or hide. Everything is not yours." Is it under control? Why, didn’t you expect this when you made the layout, or are there some things that you will never be able to control?”

Lhazang's eyes sank when he heard this, and a barely visible smile appeared on his lips, "Yes, no matter how I calculate, I can't control you, so if I don't get you, I will definitely destroy you."

"Kill me?" I said impatiently.Lhazang sneered when he heard the words, "There are so many ways to destroy a person, and death is just the easiest one." I was stunned, and before I could react, Lhazang's indifferent voice sounded in my ear again, "You saw, No one who loves you will end well, and neither will he."

There was a sudden pain in my chest, and I clenched my fingers tightly. It took me a while to calm down the overwhelming pain.When I raised my eyes again, Lazang had already bent down, staring straight at my neck with sharp eyes.I was stunned for a moment, and just about to back away in shock, the skirt of my clothes was pulled suddenly, with a "hiss", a large hickey mark on my collarbone was exposed.

Lazang's eyes became darker and darker, and his fingers almost pinched my throat, "Huh, the taste of Buddhist disciples is much better than that of ordinary men? Do you think you can't get enough of it?!"

I didn't say anything, I just slapped him on the face, with a crisp "slap", I don't know where the strength came from, the corner of La Zang's mouth was slapped until bloodshot.Seeing him wipe his sleeve with a nonchalant expression, I secretly grasped the hard object in the sleeve...

"It's so strange, King Khan, who has always been nimble, forgot to dodge?!" I relaxed my numb palm, and looked at Lhazang blankly.He looked back at me, his jaw moved slightly, "I'm also very surprised, why didn't I avoid it."

The long and narrow Danfeng eyes narrowed suddenly, and Lazang stretched out his hand and quickly twisted my waist, "Ah...", before I could react, my body had already been turned around.Lhazang circled me from behind, tied my wrists with one hand, and stretched out his hand directly into my sleeve. After touching something hard, he smiled coldly, "What are you doing with a knife in your waist, maybe you want to kill me?" ?”

Watching him take away the waist knife, and raised his hand to play with it with a cold expression, shame and anger rushed to my head, I began to struggle desperately, and shouted at the top of my voice, "Of course I want to kill you, I want to kill you even in my dreams! Lhazang, I hate you, and I will never forgive you in my life!"

Lhazang's breathing was stagnant when he heard this, and he didn't let go of his hand, but his strength was a bit weaker.After being silent for a while, he suddenly moved his head closer to me, and his fiery breath hit my ear like a needle prick, "Sure enough, only this can push you away completely... Hmph, Dawa Dolma, why are you always like this? Make it easy for people to see through?"

I was startled by the pain in his tone, and the scene of him saving me in the streets of Drepung Monastery appeared in my mind, like lightning gliding through the air, and the thoughts that had been firm in my heart for a long time suddenly loosened .

In a trance, Lhazang put the waist knife back into my hand, and there seemed to be a smile in his voice, "Do you really want to kill me so much? Well, I will grant you." After speaking, he squeezed my hand tightly, only to hear " With a "thump," the waist knife completely sank into La Zang's ribs, and bright red blood gushed out, quickly soaking his Mongolian robe.

My body froze, I let go of the handle of the knife with trembling hands, turned around and took a step back involuntarily.Lhazang in front of him was standing a little hunched, he stretched out his hand to grab the handle of the knife stuck under his ribs, and suddenly pulled out the waist knife, without throwing it away, he just held it tightly with his hand.

The surrounding Mongolian soldiers surrounded me with "hula". Lhazang didn't move, he just raised his eyes to look at me, and the expression on his face became blurred, "No matter how I try to please you, you won't love me. Since In this way, I don't have to ask for trouble anymore. I have never had love in my life, and of course, I don't need it."

I stared at him blankly for a long while, until he dropped the waist knife in his hand with a bang, and shouted to the Mongolian soldiers around me in a cold voice, "Back off! Let her go." There was a sound of the sword being unsheathed. Then, the Mongolian soldiers quickly returned to their original positions.

Danba helped Ngawang Rinchen's body to my side, turned his head to look at the lifeless and drooping head, and I silently put Ngawang Rinchen's arm on my shoulder.

Instead of looking at Lhazang, I turned around and staggered back.The heavy weight was on my shoulders, and a wave of soreness and helplessness hit my heart.His temples were swollen and painful, his head was dizzy, and the gray sunlight in his vision seemed to be spinning with the sky and the earth.

Where should we go?In this place where there is no place for me... Looking up at the majestic palace in the distance, a coolness rushed up from the bottom of my feet, completely enveloping me.

When I saw Tsangyang Gyatso outside the gate of the Potala Palace, at that moment, I almost thought it was an illusion in my heart.But even so, the instinct of emotion is always faster than reason.By the time I realized it, the person had already stumbled towards him.

"Cangyang Gyatso, you won't leave me, will you?!" I cried bitterly and slipped into his arms, tears slid down my cheeks and fell on his crimson cassock, "You are mine, It's mine alone, no one can take you away from me...no one can..."

Cangyang Gyatso was startled, looked at me, and turned his eyes to Ngawang Rinchen who was lying on Danba's shoulder, his face turned pale.I didn't get his response for a long time, my heart was flustered, I put my arms around his neck, and pressed my wet cheeks against his chin tightly with trembling.

It was also at that time, in the blurred vision, it seemed that the fifth generation class was just a few steps away.A group of eminent monks and lamas headed by Zen are looking at me with serious eyes...