Baima Weiyang

In the dimly lit room, the white moonlight shone in through the transparent windows on the roof, forming a motionless light and shadow between the pillars and the hanging thangkas.I lay back on the rocking chair, and in my slightly shaking eyes, fine dust floated aimlessly in the silvery white light path.

This is the bedroom of Tsangyang Gyatso, Kadangji.I can't remember how long I've been here, I haven't seen a single person, I haven't said a word, and I've even kept the same posture.Dawn and darkness are the only feelings I have about the outside world.

After leaving that Zhuangzi, I was in a coma for a whole day and night.Tsangyang Gyatso did not take me back to the Potala Palace, but placed me in that small restaurant in a remote corner of Barkhor Street.

As soon as I woke up, I was surrounded by deep-seated pain, not only in my heart, but also in my body.It was also at that time that I realized that I had been hit by an arrow in my right hand, and there were more than [-] bruises on my body.The iron arrowhead engraved with Mongolian characters penetrated deeply into my palm. When I pulled out the arrow, although I was unconscious, the heart-pounding pain still seeped into my nerves.

Looking at the white cloth wrapped around my palm, the crimson figure appeared again in my mind.I know that he will come to give me medicine in the middle of the night every day, coming and going quietly and cautiously.He also knew that every time the medicine was given, I was awake.But none of us spoke.

Time passed in silence, but it still couldn't take away the grief in my heart.Touching the cold porcelain jar in my hand, my tears ooze out again uncontrollably, where the ashes of Tashi Pingcuo are contained...

On the day he was cremated, the sky in Lhasa was gray.I saw with my own eyes that his body was tied into a sitting position, fixed on a wooden frame, and carried to the crematorium.In a lifeless open space, the body was placed on a pile of firewood piled up in a cross shape, surrounded by firewood.An old lama sat facing the dead body, chanted sutras, and sprinkled oil on the pyre to light the fire.

Seeing the raging flames suddenly bursting up, my heart suddenly hurt to the extreme.I tried my best to break free from Cangyang Gyatso's hands, and rushed towards the burning pyre like crazy.But as soon as his hands touched Tashi Pingcuo's icy body, his eyes were too hot to open due to the burning fire.

Cangyang Gyatso forcibly pulled me out, and I knelt down on the ground weakly, crying so hard that my voice was hoarse.No matter how much I begged, Tsangyang Gyatso refused to let go.I tugged at his cassock and said tremblingly, "You don't know, I failed him completely...I ruined him..."

What responded to me was a slightly trembling but tight hug.I stayed in Tsangyang Gyatso's arms dumbly, staring at the burning fire without blinking.The moment Tashi Puncuo's body was burned to ashes, it seemed that something in my heart also died.

I stretched out my hand to push Cangyang Gyatso away, and I stood up, walked to the woodpile and reached out to collect the ashes.Sporadic sparks were still coming out, and after a while, the fingers were burned red.But now this little pain is nothing to me at all, and I kept putting all the ashes of Tashi Pingcuo into the porcelain pot. I held the pot in my arms and walked back without saying a word.

My arm was gently pulled from behind, I stopped, turned around and met Cangyang Gyatso's dark eyes, I said calmly, "Let go." I.I lost my patience immediately, and glanced coldly at his cheek, "Didn't you hear me when I said let go?"

"Dolma..." The expression on that handsome face froze, but the hand holding my arm did not let go.Fearing that the porcelain jar in my arms would break, I endured without struggling, but the corners of my mouth were raised, "Isn't it just to ensure Diba's safety by taking me as a hostage?"

Ignoring his expression, I continued, "Yes, you love me, you will protect me, and make any decision that is good for me, but you never ask me if that is what I want. Why is that? Huh? Because you don’t care, you don’t care at all.” I smiled, but my face stiffened, “Cangyang Gyatso, I love you very much, but not so much that I can exchange Tashi Puncuo’s life. "

The person on the opposite side suddenly turned pale, and a trace of panic flashed in his eyes, which couldn't be more straightforward.After a long while, the hand on the crook of the arm slowly loosened.I hugged the porcelain jar in my arms tightly and strode away without looking back.

When I think of Tsangyang Gyatso's expression that day, my heart starts to ache again.I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just can't restrain the anger in my heart.Perhaps it was because of the long-buried guilt, or the unspeakable fear, all kinds of indelible emotional whirlpools pushed me into unknown seas.But this time, I didn't even know how to struggle.

Wrapped tightly under the wide pulu robe, a familiar clear breath surrounded me.Every night, I sleep with Tashi Pingcuo's outer robe on my pillow, and it seems that I have returned to the time in Qiongjie, so carefree, without any worries, as if when I close my eyes, I will see the cold but handsome man face.It's just that every time I wake up from a dream and accidentally touch the porcelain pot, my cheeks will become wet again.

I remember that when Dhondup left Lhasa, I told him everything.He was silent for a while after listening, and then scolded me severely, scolded me for being shameless, any man dared to think about it, but after scolding, his face faded, and finally his eyes turned red.Before he left, he only said to me, "Aren't you afraid of karma? He is a Buddha, but you are just a human being."

Thinking of this, my heart felt bitter.How could I have never been afraid, I was so afraid that I thought about it many times, but I never thought that one day, this fruit will be retribution on my dearest family members... That kind of pain is far more profound than what I have experienced, but in the end Helpless, is to watch things happen but he is powerless to stop.I'm afraid I will never forget that feeling in my life.

Dazed and stupefied, I waited until dawn again, and the blue-white skylight came in from the transparent window, reflecting the whole room indistinctly.Katangji is the most spacious and well-lit palace in the Red Palace. As long as there is a little light, it can look very bright.

Somewhat uncomfortable, he closed his eyes, squinted for an unknown period of time, and vaguely heard a slight sound of footsteps.I pretended not to turn my face to one side, and closed my eyelids tightly.Suddenly, his eyes dimmed, as if someone bent down.

Feeling being stared at for a long time, the body was suddenly hugged horizontally.A familiar scent of Buddha lingered closely, and I subconsciously tried to avoid it, but my eyelashes were slightly wet with the oozing tears.

I was hugged to the side of the bed, and the man hugged me for a long time before gently placing me on the bed.A hand gently stroked the broken hair on my forehead, and without warning, a kiss was printed on my forehead.

Uncomfortably struggling, I turned around and lay on my side facing the wall.I didn't open my eyes slowly until there was a rustling sound of footsteps behind me, confirming that the man had walked out of Kadanji.Sitting up with his arms propped up, he turned his eyes to the low table beside the bed, on which there was a plate of shortbread and a bowl of old yogurt.

I hugged the porcelain jar in my arms tightly, staring at the things on the low table, I don’t know how long it took, until the lama’s morning prayer was faintly heard outside the house, and two lines of tears rolled down my cheeks...

The sun is rising in the east, and the morning sun shines in from the south window, and it falls on the Aga land in Kadang Kiri in large swaths.I was neatly dressed and sat back on the rocking chair, my hands holding the porcelain pot were covered with fine layers of cold sweat.

Danba walked in cautiously, with his head down, not daring to look at me, "Your family has arrived, do you want..." I raised my head to interrupt him, "Take me there now." Danba trembled Glancing at me, "Yes." Then he turned around and waited respectfully by the door.

I silently followed him out.The warm sun hit his body, and a painful hot feeling slowly crept up his cheeks.After walking eastward for a while, Danba deliberately stopped in front of Sasong Langjie, turned his head and looked at me carefully, seeing that I didn't respond, he had no choice but to continue walking forward in silence.

The sunlight came in from the hole in the wall of the Potala Palace, and fine dust was raised in bunches of transparent outlines.I looked out along the light path, and the palace wall several meters thick stood tall, and the mottled wall foundation was deeply embedded in the rock formation of the mountain.The molten iron poured under the wall has already solidified, but the thick stone wall smell and the long-suppressed iron smell seem to gather into an invisible pressure, blocking all emotions and desires outside the palace.

Strangeness, a strangeness that can never be integrated.This is my only feeling about the Potala Palace these days.After Sangye Gyatso was killed, a large number of monks and lay officials in the palace were killed by Lhazang. Although it was a bloodbath, it provided me with an opportunity to enter the Potala Palace.Maybe it was me who forced it. This place can't accommodate me, and it doesn't belong to me.Not leaving is my only compromise to him...

The small wine shop on Barkhor Street gradually came into view, and I stopped suddenly outside the threshold.Raising his hand and waving Danba back, he stared at the stairs for a long time before he dragged his heavy feet towards the second floor. Pushing open the wooden door with a "squeak", I knelt down on the stone floor with a "boom", my forehead slowly lowered, and my eyes were on the old boots of my parents.

"You child... get up!" Grandma's anxious voice came over, a pair of dark and old hands tightly grabbed my arm, "Get up! Grandma, grandma never blames you... for this It's all Tashi's life...Tashi, my son, my son..."

Grandma cried in a hoarse voice, and reached for the porcelain pot in my arms with trembling hands, "Why did you leave like this? Our mother and son didn't even see each other for the last time, how could you be so cruel..." Grandma hugged the porcelain pot tightly, and her thin body began to tremble uncontrollably, "Tashi, my son! Grandma hasn't seen you get married yet, so you left like this and asked me and your dad... "

"Grandma..." Intermittent crying came from my ears, and I burst into tears with guilt. I supported my grandma's fallen body, her legs kneeling on the stone floor almost lost consciousness, "I'm sorry, It's because of me again, because of me... this time... I actually killed him... I know, no matter how I say I'm sorry, it won't help. But, Dad, Mom, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry..."

I slightly pushed my body away and kowtowed violently to the two old men, the stone floor was knocked loudly.Almost at the same time, two pairs of different hands firmly grabbed my shoulders.I cried and straightened up, but my mother hugged me tightly, "Good boy, stop knocking! Mom doesn't blame you, I don't blame you..."

"Dolma..." Abba said in a hoarse voice. I heard the sound and looked at him. He stretched out his hand and squeezed my shoulder, his expression showing uncontrollable grief, "Your mother is right, it's all painful Xi's own choice, he won't blame you, and we won't blame you..."

I heard the tears flowing down, soaking the skirt of my clothes all the way, my fingers touched the cold porcelain pot, and my heart suddenly throbbed like a spasm, "Yes... I'm sorry, I, I know you won't blame me, but ...But I, how can I forgive myself...I can't help it, I can't save him, I just watched him...I'm sorry, I should stand in front of him, I..."

"Dolma, don't talk nonsense!" Grandma suddenly reprimanded in a solemn voice, touching my cheek with trembling dark fingers, "You and Tashi are both Grandma's children, although you are not Grandma's own, But in Grandma's eyes, you and Tashi are the same, neither one is allowed to have trouble..." As she spoke, Grandma looked at me with tears streaming down her face, "Now... Tashi is gone, Grandma... Grandma has already lost a child, and you have to live well. Grandma... Grandma really can't afford to lose two!"

Seeing her like this, I held the hands of my parents in a panic, and said repeatedly, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I will live a good life, I will definitely... I will live a good life... and you too..." Suddenly remembered something, I Immediately wanted to stand up, "I'll pack up my things and go back to Qiongjie with you later, and I will take good care of you on his behalf. I'm sorry, I haven't done my filial piety by your side for so many years, I..."

"Dolma!" Abba grabbed her body, "If you really want to be sorry for us, you can stay here. We are not too old to walk, and you can take care of ourselves, but you..." Abba Sighing slightly, he stretched out his hand to slowly lift Grandma up from the stone floor.Grandma took me up and wiped the tears on my face with her hands, "Dolma, don't annoy the Living Buddha anymore, you can't blame him for this matter."

I turned my body away calmly.Grandma sighed and took my hand. Years of hard work had made her palms calluses, but the rough feeling made me feel even more distressed. "You know, for Tashi, he knelt down to us. He is a Living Buddha." Ah! How can ordinary people like us afford it!"

I was taken aback, and my body couldn't help shaking.Grandma patted the back of my hand in relief, with a hint of begging in her expression, "Think about it, how difficult it was for you to leave, why bother to torture him now, besides, you are not happy at all! Zhuo Ma, don't be self-willed anymore, the Living Buddha has paid too much for you..."

"I know, I know. I will listen to you and won't worry you anymore." I promised repeatedly.Grandma nodded, with a slight gratifying smile on her lips, her slightly cloudy eyes fell on the porcelain pot in her hand, and her brown eyes became wet again, "Tashi, let him go Come on, don't imprison him anymore."

I was stunned, and I reached out to get the porcelain jar in Grandma's hand, but after a moment of inexplicable pause, I froze in mid-air, looking up at Grandma's thin face, I shook my head desperately, "No! Let me Stay with him again, Mom, please, let me stay with him again, I know I'm not worthy, but...can you let me stay with him again? I know it's ridiculous to make up for him like this, but I..."

"Okay..." Grandma heard tears streaming down her face, wiped her tears with her hand, and then said with pain on her face, "I will let you stay with him for a few more days, and find a mountain to scatter his ashes in the future. Take him back to Qiongjie, let him... let him stay in Lhasa forever! He always likes where you are..."

"Mom, Dad..." I stretched out my hand to hold the hands of the two old people, and the tears in my eyes kept rolling down, "Thank you, thank you..."

"Silly boy." Grandma raised her hand to stroke my braids, her voice still trembling slightly, "We are a family, where did these polite words come from. Tashi... he left, and now Grandma and Papa only have You, Dolma... Promise grandma, you must live a good life, don't be like..." As she said, grandma choked up, and tears came out of her wrinkled eyes, "Don't be like Tashi... That made Grandma worry, you...must be good, good."

"Yes, Mom, I know, I will. You... take care too. When I have a chance in the future, I... will go to Qiongjie to see you... You should also be good..." I said tremblingly , a rope-like pain twisted tightly in his throat.

My father patted me on the shoulder, and said in a comforting tone, "Dolma, be strong. Listen to your mother and live well. This is... and what Tashi wants to see..." He looked away , Tears flickered faintly in his eyes, seeing the grandmother on the side crying again, he hurriedly stretched out his hand and hugged her into his arms.I nodded again and again, watching the two embrace each other tremblingly, and it took me a long time to suppress the grief in my heart.

Outside the small wine shop on Barkhor Street, the signboard flags fluttered in the wind in the dark sky.I stood outside the cowhide carriage, lifted the curtain and helped my parents into the carriage.Looking at them silently, I couldn't say goodbye for a while, because I was afraid of making them sad again, and I was afraid that if I said too much, I would not be able to hold back my tears.

"Son, let's go, you..." Grandma glanced at me, and hurriedly lowered her head to wipe away the tears that fell.I stepped forward to hug them, and tried my best to restrain the heat in my eyes, "Well, take care, if you need someone to send a message to me. I... will be strong, and I won't... let you worry about it anymore... "

"Okay...ok..." Grandma nodded repeatedly.I smiled at them, waved my hand, and slowly lowered the pulu curtain.Raising my hand to wipe away the tears on my face, I turned my head to look at Dundup who was about to drive, but before I could speak, his hand was grabbed by him.It's been a long time since I saw him, his baby face is still cute, but the maturity between his brows is unconsciously looming.

"Don't worry, I will take care of my parents. From now on, I will be their son." Dunzhu looked at me, his dark eyes flickering.I sniffed and held him tremblingly, "Little Zhuzi, thank you, thank you..."

"What are you talking about, hypocritical!" Dunzhu put his arms around my shoulders, and frowned with thick brows, "Look at you, you look dejected, you don't look like a vixen at all."

I couldn't laugh or cry when I heard it, knowing that he was deliberately trying to help me adjust my mood, and didn't want to disappoint his kindness, so I smiled at him.Probably because he was smiling too badly, Dunzhu hurriedly waved his hand to signal me to stop. "I'm leaving." He grabbed the rein with one hand and raised the whip with the other. After looking at me deeply sideways, he slapped the horse's butt with the whip.

"Drive—" The cowhide carriage galloped away with the horses, swaying out of the corner of the flickering street.I stood there watching for a while, until I saw nothing, then I called Danba out of the small bar.

Walking in silence all the way, although Danba followed behind, he kept a proper distance from me.When I was about to reach the Potala Palace, I stopped, turned around and looked at Danba, "Master...has he stayed in Sasonglange all the time?"

Danba in front of him was stunned, and his youthful face suddenly showed joy, "Yes! Master stays in the sutra hall every night, not chanting sutras, but meditating. These days, he can't sleep well every night. You..." Danba paused, and it was obvious that the meaning on my face was unclear, so I didn't dare to go on for a while.

I took a breath and slowly turned around.Hearing the sound of my own footsteps resounding in the boundless night, I couldn't help feeling depressed for a while.

When we returned to Katangji, the night was already dark.I lay on the window frame, looking aimlessly at the night sky in Lhasa.The moonlight is faint, and the sky is full of stars twinkling, reflecting on the marsh in the distance, and the water is shining all over the sky.

Inadvertently lowering his gaze, he caught a glimpse of the uneven scar on his palm, and was a little dazed for a moment.The wound is almost healed, even the white cloth strips have been removed, and there is no need to apply medicine.So... he won't come tonight either.

I breathed out lightly, looked up and looked out of the window, the night wind without heat came in from outside the window, making me tighten my clothes in the cold.Turning my head and sweeping towards the porcelain pot on the low table, I paused, then leaned back on the rocking chair dully.

In fact, cremation, which is not uncommon in the Han area, is a high-level funeral ceremony that is second only to tower burials in the Tibetan area.Cremation is generally carried out among eminent monks and nobles in the U-Tsang area where forests are scarce. Ordinary people like Zhaxi Pingcuo are not eligible to enjoy cremation, and correspondingly, sky burial.

According to the way of thinking of the Han people, out of respect for the remains, few people can agree with sky burial.Cangyang Gyatso knew that I couldn't accept it, so he broke the rules and cremated Tashiping.

Thinking of this, my heart hurts.Maybe Grandma is right, this incident is not his fault, and he has indeed paid a lot for me.Sometimes when I calm down and think about it, I also feel that I have gone too far, but when I think about it, I am annoyed, and it is not just these things. While blaming him, I am deeply afraid...

There was an inexplicable pain in my temple, and I reached out and rubbed it.After the pain gradually subsided, he stood up with a "boom".The rocking chair behind me was rocked back and forth by me, I glanced back, and walked out of Katangji quickly.

All the way to Sasong Langjie by the starlight, as soon as he opened the door and entered, in a somewhat cramped space, thousands of small Buddha statues filled the entire hall.The moonlight came in from the window, and in the half-darkness, there seemed to be thousands of pairs of Buddha eyes staring at me.

I was so scared that I shrank my feet, and the hand on the door frame stopped quietly. After thinking about it, I still bit my lip and took a few steps.Slowly swept around the hall, but did not find the crimson figure.I lowered my eyes in frustration, I turned around, and just as I started to walk away, I was unexpectedly hugged tightly from behind...

I froze for a moment, smelling the familiar fragrance of Buddha, my heart became inexplicably flustered.He twisted his arms and struggled, but his body was clamped even tighter by a strong force.The pain woke me up in an instant, and I slowly lowered my arms when I remembered my purpose.

The people behind him relaxed their strength and remained silent for a while, when a voice that couldn't be more hoarse came from the back of their necks, "You really... can't you forgive me?"

I froze immediately, and stood there for a while before shaking my head dully.A series of fiery light kisses fell on the back of my neck densely, my waist was twisted by the palm, and I staggered back to my body.As soon as his hands wrapped around Cangyang Gyatso's neck instinctively, he was hugged horizontally.

................................................

"Cangyang Gyatso..." I called his name with tears in my eyes, and I was greeted with a tighter hug.The tears on my face were kissed dry bit by bit, and the dry lips moved gently on my cheeks, "Don't be afraid, I will be by your side, always."

I cried and nodded, my eyes burning hot.Burying my head into his hot embrace, I silently said words that I would never utter in my life.Cangyang Gyatso, if you know that the time you spend together is limited, should you live the present well, or risk your life for the unknown ending...