miss a useless name

45.

In the family lounge, Cheng Shen looked at the shiny sign on the corridor - Psychiatric Department, the bright three words made him feel unreal.

He never thought that one day Yu Yan would be associated with "mentally ill patients". When he came out of the house, Yu Yan seemed to have calmed down. The autumn wind in the North City was so windy that he was too thin to hold his shirt. The baggy sleeves were hidden under the sweater, making him look thin, as if any gust of north wind could sweep him into the sky.

Cheng Shen felt uncomfortable.

The boy who used to bounce around on campus reciting vocabulary, waiting for him to go home after playing basketball, disappeared under the dim streetlights so easily.The phantom of that year still seemed to remain in front of his eyes, Yu Yan smiled and waved to him, behind him was the old teaching building of the attached high school.At that time, Yu Yan was like a goose that had just learned to fly, with the whole blue sky in his eyes.

But it was already very late that day, and there was not a single star in the sky.Looking back at that year from today, it seems that Yu Yan is not waiting for him, but saying goodbye to him.

An hour later, the door of the lounge was opened, and a young doctor in a white coat walked in.

Cheng Shen stood up and shook hands with the other party: "Doctor Fang."

Fang Kaifeng was introduced to Cheng Shen through someone. He was in his early 30s, with a very gentle appearance and a pair of gold-rimmed glasses. He was said to be young and promising, and he was an expert in treating mental illness.

"How about it?"

Fang Kaifeng got straight to the point: "The patient is not very cooperative and has serious resistance to the doctor. My assistant is testing him. I want to understand the situation with you first."

Cheng Shen rolled his Adam's apple with difficulty, and said solemnly, "Okay."

Fang Kaifeng asked Cheng Shen to sit down: "Mr. Cheng, may I ask, what is your relationship with the patient?"

"He's mine..." Cheng Shen twitched his fingertips lightly, and said frankly, "He's my lover."

Fang Kaifeng nodded, without any special expression: "Then, has the patient had any obviously abnormal behavior recently?"

Many scenes flashed before Cheng Shen's eyes, Yu Yan's crazy behavior in Chongqing, hysteria before departure.

"Recently..." Every word Cheng Shen said seemed to be stabbed in the apex of his heart: "He is easily agitated, from speech to behavior, last week he almost fell off the top floor to grab my mobile phone, and we were still at home just before we left the house. There was a quarrel, he didn't want to see a doctor, I forced him."

"He couldn't fall asleep at night, was often awakened by nightmares, and suffered from insomnia throughout the night."

"He ate less and less, lost [-] pounds in half a month, and vomited after eating a little more."

"He started to lose hair, in the bathroom, on the pillow, one by one."

"He doesn't want to go out, he gets nervous when he sees strangers, feels insecure, sweats a lot, and his clothes are often wet."

"Sometimes he can't control his emotions, irritable and irritable, and he has said more dirty words in the past half month than I have heard in the ten years I have known him."

Fang Kaifeng quickly took a pen to record on the paper, and asked without raising his head: "I heard you mention the time point of 'half a month' many times. What happened half a month ago caused the patient to have this kind of pain?" Change?"

Cheng Shen clenched his fists, gritted his teeth and said, "Yes."

"Can you be more specific?"

Cheng Shen finally realized what retribution is.

"Because of me," he said with the same pain, "I did something to hurt him."

Fang Kaifeng's pen tip stopped, and he gently raised his eyelids.

"I went to bed with a woman, and he bumped into me." After speaking, Cheng Shen breathed a sigh of relief.

He doesn't care what others think of him, whether it's spurned or disgusted, he deserves it.If he could exchange Yu Yan's health with the world's disdain for him, he would not hesitate.

Later, Cheng Shen talked a lot about Fang Kaifeng, about their past, about the agreement with the family back then, about what his father did behind his back recently.

"Mr. Cheng, from your narrative, I can feel that you love Mr. Yu very much." Fang Kaifeng closed the notebook without leaving any room: "But that was in the past, and you are now because of something wrong. Did you stay because of guilt, or did you stay because he was sick out of duty? The mirror is broken, and even if glued back, there will be cracks. If diagnosed, the treatment process will be very long. You are sure you can resist the endless slow Suspicion and distrust, in the capriciousness of the lover, still maintain an unchanging sincerity?"

The assistant knocked on the door and said that the test had been completed and asked Dr. Fang to go back and read the report.

Finally, he left a suggestion for Cheng Shen.

·

After another hour, the door of the consulting room opened, and Yu Yan came out with slightly lowered eyebrows, followed by the nurse.

Cheng Shen had never been so patient before. Standing in front of Yu Yan, he called the other person's name uncertainly: "...Yu Yan?"

Yu Yan had no expression on his face, and slowly took off his coat and put it in Cheng Chengshen's arms: "I'm going to do a brain CT."

The nurse led Yu Yan to the CT room, but Cheng Shen didn't accompany him, so he knocked on the door of the consulting room: "Doctor Fang, how is the situation?"

Fang Kaifeng said: "Do a CT scan to rule out non-substantial brain lesions and then the diagnosis can be made."

"Yes..." Cheng Shen suddenly became dumb.

Fang Kaifeng took the test sheet and flicked it twice: "Anxiety."

"……anxiety?"

He had prepared well before coming, and Cheng Shen speculated that it might be depression.

"After chatting with him, Mr. Yu is really hard to say, and I'm exhausted from asking." Fang Kaifeng smiled: "This kind of illness usually accumulates over time, and it has a lot to do with the environment in which he grew up. I have been in a state of depression for a long time, and my demands on myself are too high.”

Cheng Shen nodded: "Yes, his parents have high expectations of him and have been forcing him to do things he doesn't like."

"In my judgment, Mr. Yu's mental state had problems a long time ago. After you met, the situation eased. He unconsciously regarded you as a life-saving straw. If you keep getting along well, he It may not induce anxiety in a lifetime. But you betrayed him, and all the previous psychological construction collapsed, causing him to have extreme doubts about his existing life and himself, coupled with the impact of the cyberbullying incident, that’s why he suddenly changed so smart."

Cheng Shen's expression darkened.

Fang Kaifeng glanced at him: "Don't blame yourself too much, your emotions have a great influence on him. He takes you very seriously, even more than himself to some extent, but at the same time he knows very well in his heart that this is wrong Yes, and he despises himself for forgiving you without a bottom line, it is this contradictory attitude that makes him more sensitive and irritable."

"What should I do?"

"Guide," Fang Kaifeng said, "Let him know the importance of 'I'."

While talking, Yu Yan came back.

Cheng Shen put his coat on him.

When everyone arrived, Fang Kaifeng checked the CT report and spread out the medical certificate when there was no problem——

"Moderate anxiety disorder is accompanied by neurasthenia." He announced the closing statement, and said to Yu Yan: "I need to take medicine, and it is recommended to see a psychiatrist regularly, which will greatly help the condition improve."

Yu Yan pursed his lips and said nothing.

Two sheets of paper floated out of the printer, one side was full of drug side effects and the other side were precautions.

"Taking this medicine will have side effects, which vary from person to person. If you have any problems, please contact me." Fang Kaifeng: "In short, this is a protracted battle. The condition will recur due to the effect of the drug. Maybe I feel good in the past two days. After two days, I feel bad again, which is normal, and I can’t stop the medicine without authorization because of discomfort.”

Cheng Shen folded the paper, ready to go back and read it again: "Thank you doctor."

Fang Kaifeng sent them to the door: "Remember to come for follow-up visits on time."

·

On the way back, Yu Yan lazily nestled in the co-pilot with gaps in the windows. They spent a long time in the hospital, and the sun had already set on the mountainside.

The wind picked up gradually, messing up Yu Yan's hair, and he looked out of the window motionless.The traffic lights stopped, pedestrians passed the road one by one, and the innocent little girl held a Doraemon hydrogen balloon in her hand.

The blue cat floats, bound by a rope.

Yu Yan felt that it was as unfree as himself, and he didn't know when it would explode.

Cheng Shen raised the window up: "Yanyan, put on your clothes, it's cold at night."

Yu Yan didn't know how to react, it seemed that after going to the hospital, his world view was overturned, and his life returned to zero.He moved slowly, still having a hard time accepting that he was really sick.

Cheng Shen asked flatteringly, "What do you want to eat tonight? I'll make it for you."

Yu Yan put on his coat, put his hands in his pockets, and leaned against the windowpane, looking back at Cheng Shen.

"what happened?"

Yu Yan stared at Cheng Shen for a while, feeling that the piece of glass on his head had frozen, so cold.He sat back, shivering.

Cheng Shen's face was full of worry, and Yu Yan didn't say a word to him after he came out of the hospital.No, it should be that after going to the hospital from home, Yu Yan only said that sentence to him.

He tried to force a smile: "Yanyan, don't be angry with me. Do you want to eat spicy fish? I'll buy milk tea downstairs for you later, okay?"

Yu Yan tightened his jaw, he was too skinny, his face was a little smaller, and he could hide half of his face in the neckline by lowering his head slightly.He has no energy, and his usually clear eyes are gray.After a while, he asked with a weary look, "How long will you stay with me?"

Cheng Shen stagnated slightly, and his heart began to beat irregularly.

He remembered the last words Fang Kaifeng said in the lounge——

"Mr. Cheng, I hope you will carefully consider the above two questions. If it is out of love, you can of course choose to be by Mr. Yu's side. But if not, I suggest you make a decision as soon as possible, rather than bear the burden of being betrayed again in the future." Pain, it is better to cut the mess quickly. Don't worry, he is not as fragile as you think."

Yu Yan lowered his eyes, his eyes lingering on the patterned pattern on the sweater: "I'm sick, I've got a mental problem, I don't know when I'll get better."

Cheng Shen frowned and interrupted him: "You will recover soon."

Whatever, Yu Yan thought to himself, but when he opened his mouth, he was very sober: "What am I to you now? A burden? A burden? I don't know when it will explode?"

Cheng Shen patted the steering wheel impatiently: "Don't talk nonsense."

"I was the one who pestered you before, and I shamelessly begged you to stay, but now... I don't know what's wrong, and I may not understand it in a short time. If this is the case, I will suffer together with the two of you. , it’s better to let a person be happy first. What do you think?”

Cheng Shen's face was extremely smelly, he gritted his teeth and replied, "I don't think so!"

The twisted twist seemed to be a little straighter, Yu Yan paused, and said: "I don't want to drag you down, in fact, as long as I promised that day, we have separated now. Let me give you an answer now, and I am willing to set you free .”

The headlights flickered, Cheng Shen quickly changed lanes, and the car turned around and got into a deserted path next to it.Cheng Shen slammed on the brakes so quickly that the tires left a long black mark on the concrete floor.

Yu Yan flicked out of inertia, and was pulled back by the seat belt in front of him.The back of his head hit the seat, and he was a little dizzy, but before he could see the scene in front of him clearly, his wrist was grabbed by Cheng Shen, and then half of his body was pulled over, and the seat belt "clicked" loosened.

Cheng Shenhuo was smoking, it's fine that the little boy psychiatrist didn't understand, why did Yu Yan say such things?He did feel guilty, he did blame himself, and he also confirmed that he had really thought about whether his choice was due to love or to make up for the hurt.

But can guilt be eaten?Can regret change the facts?

He thought about it, thought about it, and concluded that love is love, and he is not kind enough to carry a person who is going to be an ex-boyfriend on his back!

"You're so fucking..." Cheng Shen grabbed Yu Yan's collar, angrily wanting to beat him up, but he was afraid that he would be the one who felt distressed after the beating: "I don't know what to do!"

After he finished cursing, he was still not relieved.Clutches Yu Yan's neck, supports his shoulders, and viciously bites that sinful mouth.

After biting into Yu Yan's dazed eyes, he finally felt a little pleasure.

Yu Yan was ill, and since he realized this problem, he suffered no less pain than Yu Yan.

Yu Yan had a nightmare, and he was with him.Yu Yan lost control, he watched.Yu Yan got angry, and he accepted it.All the incidents made him heartbroken, none of them could beat Yu Yan's "I am willing to give you freedom" more heartbreaking.

He knew that Yu Yan was afraid. He said these words because he was afraid of losing his last dignity, and he was afraid that one day he would be abandoned by himself after he was tortured by the disease, so he preemptively struck.

Yu Yan is as scared as he is, as much as he is needed.

His heart was dying of pain, why was he willing to let Yu Yan go alone?

"With your mouth, you either don't speak, or you just say something that hurts people's hearts." Cheng Shen stared at him, his eyes were full of bloodshot eyes: "It's too late for you to regret it, now I'm relying on you! I have a kind of you Just drag me to death, if you don't drag it to death, accept your fate, you have already been mine for the rest of your life!"

Yu Yan's right shoulder was pressed against the steering wheel, his hands were pressed hard, and his waist was pinched.He looked at Cheng Shen dully, trying to find a little hypocrisy from that heartbroken face, so that he could take a generous step back and give Cheng Shen the rest of his life.

But no, the emotion is true, and the meaning is also true.A deeper love grows out of thousands of shame and remorse, wrapping him in an airtight manner.

Yu Yan fell into Cheng Shen's breath, his whole body was stained with the smell of the other party, his lips were sore from being bitten, red and swollen, he blinked a few times, and finally shed tears.

He raised his hand, wrapped it around Cheng Shen's neck, and temporarily put those bad thoughts aside.

The tears were hot and bitter, and in the narrow carriage, the indulgence after trekking through mountains and rivers spread.

This is the first time in half a month that Yu Yan feels a little relaxed.

Cheng Shen patted him on the back, put his lips to his ears, called him baby, and said repeatedly, "Baby, don't be afraid."

Yu Yan was tired from crying, so he nestled on the side and fell asleep halfway.

When I got off the car, I was a little fluttering, so I lightly poked Cheng Shen's arm, raised my face and asked, "Can you carry me?"

Cheng Shen lowered his body without any hesitation, and when Yu Yan lay on his back, he raised his knees and walked from the garage to the community.

Yu Yan held two bags in his hand, which contained his medicine.

At dusk, the community is full of people who are picking up their children from school, returning home from get off work, and rushing to cook after shopping.

Cheng Shen looked for his own building behind Yu Yan's back, and everyone passing by would give them a second look.

"Doctor Fang told me..." Yu Yan hugged her tightly, and whispered, "I can ask you."

Cheng Shen walked a little hot, and his smile warmed up: "So you let me carry you?"

"I don't know if that counts..."

Cheng Shen told him, "It doesn't count."

Yu Yan froze for a moment, his arms loosened.

Cheng Shen suddenly became serious, and said sternly, "It's okay to go too far, as much as you want."

·

In the evening, Yu Yan took the medicine and went to bed, please Cheng Shen to give him the phone.

Cheng Shen was a little hesitant: "Didn't you say you don't want to look at your phone?"

Yu Yan said: "Doctor Fang said, I have to learn to face it."

All right, this person was still fighting for reason in the afternoon, blushing and yelling that he was not sick, and now he is actively cooperating with the treatment.

Cheng Shen handed him the phone, got under the quilt to reply to the email and asked, "What gossip has been going on lately?"

Yu Yan quickly clicked on the screen, and hummed: "I don't know."

"Ah?" Cheng Shen didn't understand: "Aren't you watching?"

As soon as the voice fell, a notification popped up on the top of the phone.

His special attention, Nan Yan, just posted a Weibo, the content is——

"Temporarily close the pen, I hope to become a better me next time we meet."

With a fever in his chest, Cheng Shen turned to look at him.

Yu Yan had already locked the screen, and the phone fell between the soft bedding.

"I..." Yu Yan rubbed his ears: "It won't work in a short time, but Doctor Fang said that I should give myself and the readers an explanation."

Cheng Shen also threw away the phone, and his hot body covered Yu Yan's.Instead of the hand touching the ear, he touched Yu Yan's small and delicate earlobe with his fingertips: "Doctor Fang, Doctor Fang, why do you keep mentioning him?"

Yu Yan opened his eyes slightly, and got a little tempered: "You are so boring, it was you who said I was sick and took me to see him."

"I was wrong." Cheng Shen held the thin piece in his mouth, and stroked Yu Yan's slender fingers: "Yanyan, let's buy a pair of rings."

Yu Yan's eyes were filled with moisture: "...what?"

Cheng Shen licked Yu Yan's Adam's apple: "Buy a pair of rings, you put them on me, I put them on you, the kind that don't separate."

Yu Yan tightened his fingertips and grabbed a sheet: "Why do you want to buy it?"

Cheng Shen stopped, touched the tip of Yu Yan's nose, and said seriously: "I want to use this ring to ask you for a promise."

"Ok?"

Cheng Shen raised his left hand, lowered his head and bit it, leaving a tooth mark on his ring finger: "I want you to promise me..."

The finger hurt slightly, Yu Yan seemed to be bitten on the soul.He couldn't help twisting, and asked, "Promise what?"

Cheng Shen stroked that mark: "Promise me, from this moment on, don't hide your sadness, pain, suffering, and struggle from me."

Yu Yan stood there in a daze.

Cheng Shen said: "You are not feeling well, tell me where you feel. When you need me and want me to be with you, tell me. I want to know your nightmares, I want to wipe away your tears, and your wounds... I I hope I am still eligible to be healed.”

Yu Yan's pupils trembled and he forgot his words.

Cheng Shen slowly slid down, nestling in Yu Yan's belly nostalgic: "I missed you so much, and when you came to your senses, you were already refusing to tell me anything. Just treat it as me knowing how to get back from the wrong way, and in the future you I want to accompany you through every difficulty."

"Yu Yan, take these as requests from me, and promise me, okay?"

In the summer of [-], they walked out of the examination room together. On the way, Cheng Shen said to Yu Yan, "I like you, and I want you to spend every day with me in the future. Yu Yan, can you promise me?"

For those words, Yu Yan rushed to the unknown future without hesitation.

Today, many years later, they have all changed, carrying their own injuries, and wanting to entangle to death.

Yu Yan didn't speak for a long time, Cheng Shen waited quietly, like how many times Yu Yan waited for him to go home, this time he was patient.

After a long silence, Yu Yan finally took Cheng Shen's left hand. He didn't speak, but lightly bit his ring finger.