Death Beliefs

I think of a sentence I wrote on Weibo during a particularly difficult time. The original text is this: I also have depressed and uncomfortable times, but I have no one to talk to, as if no one can understand me. I don't even know what is causing my boredom.I am not relieved that I have gradually learned restraint and tolerance.

That can be said to be the darkest time in my life. When I just graduated, I traveled back and forth across the city, unable to find a job that satisfied me.

My mom offered to help me get a job and I turned it down, I didn't want to be so bad that I ended up relying on my family for a job.

My mother tried to comfort me, but no matter what method she used, I shrank in fear. I wanted to make my own efforts, and then stand in front of her like a little giant, at least not let her continue to worry about me, yes Yes, a tendon in my bones warned me that I need to be alone, instead of always being like a delicate flower, hiding in a warm harbor.

In fact, during the period of graduation, all students who are about to enter the society face a huge problem-how to integrate into society.

We have been isolated under the shelter of the school all year round, because we are all classmates, so we can get along very well, but in society, everything is different, you have to deal with people of different ages, and you have to learn how to save you Relationships at stake, and what it takes to get you a warm welcome, not obscurity.

Le Yan lost her first job, which was particularly good in terms of salary and vacation, because she really couldn't integrate into the company's culture.

Of course, the culture of that company really terrified her. In just two days, she looked like a brainless person who had strayed into an MLM organization.So, within a week, she couldn't even pretend to be crazy.

She kept bombarding me with phone calls and complaining to me, telling me that she couldn't take it anymore and that the company atmosphere she wanted was not like this.

However, it is very strange that once I opened my mouth to describe my work to her, she immediately fell silent, and quickly took out an insincere sentence like "You need to be quiet", and cut it down cruelly and decisively. Telephone.

The extremely hypocritical words I wrote on Weibo were all because of her.I don't know if it's her pleasure or my misfortune.Or, her negativity needs an outlet, not a receiver.But I broke her principles.

I sighed with emotion: "If Le Yan had you so understanding, I would have given up on the job of a confidant sister."

"Then what you mean is that Qian Fan finally realized how annoying Le Yan is after going through all kinds of hardships? I really didn't mean you, for someone like Le Yan who only knows how to pour bitterness on her, I've been tired of her for a long time. Speaking of which, I have always admired you all, that you have been able to work with her for so many years without incident. It's really not easy."

"Your resentment towards Le Yan may not be simply because she is annoying..."

I gave Xi Xiang a slightly sarcastic look with a half-smile, and the moment she touched my line of sight, her face froze slightly.

Even though she was still eating the fresh and tender fish meat from the man's chopsticks with a graceful posture, even though I felt inexplicably sick to the man's saliva just by looking at it.

At that moment, I admired her fearlessness in love.I swallowed hard, completely lost my appetite, I turned my eyes that had nowhere to rest, finally I didn't have to face them, I felt relieved.

However, Xi Xiang, who was poked by me, frowned the moment I turned my head, and raised her hand to signal her boyfriend made of gold. She didn't want to eat for the time being. She raised her head, so surprised The big eyes with delicate makeup were dyed a strange color.

"It's enough for me to complain about her beauty? Come on, what else does she have besides her face?! Am I still jealous that she is kinder than me?"

"...You know I don't mean beauty, nor do I mean kindness. In terms of beauty, none of us can compare with you, let alone shamelessly keep pace with you. As for kindness, people like us look so Big, I probably don’t know how to write those two characters.” I said dryly.

In fact, in the eyes of many people, Xi Xiang is synonymous with beauty, and the spokesperson of kindness is our usual slow but very gentle Le Yan.

Le Yan gives people the impression that she is gentle and humble. She does not fight or grab. She is willing to help others when they have difficulties. Apart from eating a lot and being a little fat, she really has no other shortcomings.

However, if I have to say that she is kind without my conscience, I feel that it will go against my original intention. Words like "kindness" may be inherently insulated from us.

Xi Xiang bit her lip, turned her face away, looked out the window and remained silent.For a while, our table was silent, and even the waiters who served the food kept a rare silence. Even if the tea in our respective cups had run out, they did not dare to come forward to refill.

I was bored staring out the window, the gray street, full of pedestrians, because tomorrow is the weekend, both couples and girlfriends hugged each other and went out on the street holding hands and shoulder to shoulder.

I used to spend time in university, not knowing the sinister people in the society, and in my mind, I always pretended to be some unknown so-called pink bubbles, pressing the road once, whenever I saw a combination of two men or two women, as long as the two people acted a little out of the ordinary, We couldn't help thinking wildly based on Xi Xiang and Wen Ling, and even standing side by side on the street with five people can jump around nervously.Of course, the subject of our debate more often is whether those two people are worthy or not!

Not long ago, when Le Yan was talking nonsense with me on the phone, she specifically mentioned that she saw two very matching same-sex couples on the street beside her house.

Then she said to me with emotion: "As long as two people like each other, it really has nothing to do with gender. It's good to have someone who can always be with me. Wherever you are, you must find a boy to accompany you."

In fact, this kind of cognition has been deeply rooted in our hearts when we followed Wen Ling and Xi Xiang in college all day long.

Although we tacitly avoided the very possibility of getting caught up with Wen Ling and Xi Xiang while we were talking, we still maintained a short silence on both ends of the phone.

Because we thought of Wen Ling and Xi Xiang at the same time, the impact of these two on us is really no less than the cartoons we watched in childhood, even if we grow up, we still have to shout a few words.

The brilliance of the light box made people dizzy, and the colorful colors floated in the night sea. Although it was separated by a wall of glass, I seemed to be able to hear the hustle and bustle outside.

I know that many feelings and time cannot be held.For example, at the moment, Xi Xiang, who is opposite me and a man who is very strange to me but is very important to her, is sharing the food in the same bowl. Although that man is really not satisfactory, but She ate happily, still wanting more.

What makes me even more shameful is that she is really sweet, not deliberately pretending to be happy in front of me.Besides, she doesn't need to pretend to be happy in front of me, she and Wen Ling have already finished playing.

When we were in college, we didn’t need to divide weekends or Sundays. As long as we wanted to go back to the road, we could start a walk-and-go parade from the dormitory. Today is really different from the past. I put everything I want to do All things must be lined up first, and they must be fulfilled week after week.We made an appointment for a round, and when we actually met, I didn't know which week we met.

"You eat this, I remember that you would order this when we went out for dinner in college." Xi Xiang pushed the plate of fragrant taro in my direction, her eyes were a little cautious, looking at her The expression seems to be to divert the unpleasant topic we just talked about.

Regarding her caring about Le Yan, it may be due to the strong protection of privacy deep in her heart, but since she is guilty and worried, why not choose to face it?It turned out that she was so cowardly that she wanted to wrap herself into a shell, no matter how long that shell could protect her.

I glanced at it and picked up my chopsticks reluctantly. The taste was definitely not as good as that of the restaurant we often go to. After I took a small bite, I didn't want to start with other dishes.

Apart from me, the second person who knew about Xi Xiang was Le Yan. It was a coincidence. Le Yan accidentally saw a report about Xi Xiang in a newspaper. At that time, she was very surprised. Because she thinks that things or things that can be on the news are comparable to celebrities. Please forgive her worldview. Second, it is the content published in the newspaper.

The black and white square newspaper attached a photo with conscience, the person in the photo is not like Xi Xiang at all, Xi Xiang rarely wears jeans and a simple T-shirt, the Xi Xiang in her impression has always made herself It was very grand, as if she was ready to get married at any time.

She only saw Xi Xiang who was too plain in this photo.At the same time, she also saw Xi Xiang's face pale like a ghost without makeup.

Speaking of which, Le Yan once accidentally bumped into Xi Xiang's plain face. When Xi Xiang was not much on guard, Xi Xiang lived too delicately. She wished she could even sleep with makeup on, let alone we could witness her in the dormitory. The plain makeup of the heavy makeup has faded away.

At that time, Le Yan was shocked. She thought that a thief had entered our dormitory. It is no exaggeration. Xi Xiang is good at makeup, so the appearance before and after makeup is completely different.

After Le Yan calmed down, she thought silently that Xi Xiang, who pretended to be a goddess outside, would also have acne.Of course, Le Yan's kindness does not allow her to spread a person's privacy at will, and she just talked about this shocking thing from time to time among the other four of us, until we forcibly prohibited it.

Probably out of surprise again, or because she was also curious about the inaccurate content, therefore, Le Yan, who did not dare to reveal the problem to Xi Xiang, harbored a feeling of doubting Xi Xiang's true identity every day. spend the day.

Then in the senior year, we were so busy that we were in such a chaotic situation. Facing Xi Xiang, who was getting stranger with us day by day, when Xi Xiang went out to live broadcast, she dug out the report and gave it to us. The four watched and expressed her opinion.

I know that speculation between people is not malicious, but too much curiosity.

But at that frank meeting without Xi Xiang, I finally knew that Xi Xiang's impression among us these years has always been very bad.

Shen Nuo, who has never chewed people's ears, said: "When I was a freshman, I liked talking to Xi Xiang. She liked watching anime, and so did I. I think she understands everything and is very smart. What do you talk to her about?" , she can tell you anything. But one time, I asked her a question, and I felt that my self-esteem was thwarted. I am sick."

Lu Qin waved her hand, motioning Shen Nuo to calm down, and asked her to blame Xi Xiang for her crimes. She said, "Smart people are like this. Didn't you realize that I was the one who talked to her the least? I talked to her in high school." It was a school at the time, and I heard about her. But what impressed me the most was that she was really delicate. At that time, a boy accidentally bumped into her, and she said she had a headache, and then went to the hospital to take a picture, what Nothing happened, but the boy bought her snacks for more than a month. She seems to have been sick since she was a child. There are bottles and jars of medicine on the desk. But it is true that she is smart. I listen to their class Classmates said that she can hardly listen to it in class, and her grades are still good."

Lu Qin glanced around jealously, and caught a glimpse of Xi Xiang's desk opposite me, which was empty. She walked over, took a rough look, and turned to us and said, "The skin care products she bought should be all It's very high-end, and these clothes."

Le Yan didn't know what the reason was, and continued: "Actually, the things she bought are much more advanced than ours. Although I don't buy skin care products very much, I can't tell the good from the bad, but they must be special. It's expensive."

She met Lu Qin's gaze, "Oh, it's not that we haven't seen her spend money, it's all a lot of money. However, there is something you just said, and I'm going to refute you—I I think you are the person who likes to talk to her most in this dormitory. A few times Meng Chen fell asleep, and you exchanged ideas with Xi Xiang loudly. I remember that Meng Xuan lost his temper later. "

"Oh, she wants to talk to you, you can't pretend to be deaf and dumb, can't you? Do you want me to tell her directly that I don't want to talk to you? Last time, Meng Xuan and I finished the elective class with her, and Meng Xuan ran away. I was faster than anyone else, and I fell behind and was caught by her. I don’t know how uncomfortable it was. She said that there was a girl who pursued her in the elective class. Hey, I was surprised, why would anyone have a crush on her. "Lu Qin gleefully complained. Of course I noticed the way she looked at me. I admit that I was wrong that time. After all, she and Wen Ling just broke up at that time. I couldn't stand for a while, and she also tabooed me. , So I shrank my head and played the role of an avoider.

But when Lu Qin said, "Why would someone have a crush on her", I couldn't help interjecting: "Are you talking about Wenling?"

The entire dormitory instantly turned on the silent mode, and I couldn't hold back a little. They probably thought that Wen Ling and Xi Xiang had broken up, and as Wen Ling's youngest, I would criticize Xi Xiang from Wen Ling's point of view anyway. Even they have the same hatred, and even unearthed years of resentment, trying to change my recent depression.

Le Yan hurried out to smooth things over, in fact, I regretted it very much as soon as I finished speaking, there was almost no suitable reason to bring this deathly silence back up, I gave Le Yan a grateful look.

Le Yan said: "Oh, I don't know how to evaluate Xi Xiang. Anyway, I can't see through her. But she is indeed very temperamental, and she is also very smart. She understands everything you tell her. It's not like us——but I don't agree with her beauty. Although she is the flower of our department, and many people chase after her, in my mind, the goddess is not like her. I don't think she is kind. Wen Ling is very good, since the two of them feel that each other is not suitable, let's stop mixing with each other, Wen Ling will find a better one."

I:"……"