critical value

Probably because I had a premonition that the next mode was about to be opened, and I was entangled in whether to unlock it. After talking and playing frankly for a few days, I suddenly became an otaku who could only rely on KFC home delivery for a living—except for running every evening Going to the gate of the No. [-] Middle School and waiting for epilepsy. After school, I stayed at home, lying on the bed, with all kinds of worries and thoughts in my mind, all kinds of memories, all about me and Zhang Haoran.Lying from early morning to evening, and from the first half of the night to the second half of the night...

Fortunately, this state did not last long, only a day.

On that day, I was not only a geek, but also a scumbag - because I was always comparing my predecessor with my current one.

Who is the ex?Of course it is the beautiful Zhang Haoran; who is the incumbent?Of course it's cute epilepsy.

As for the reason for the comparison, because I always feel that I am going to turn from a fan of Zhang Haoran's brain to a fan of epilepsy.With this appearance, I am obviously sorry for Zhang Haoran. After all, I have always loved him, and I still can’t let go of him. Now I can temporarily escape from the sadness of losing him by numb myself, but there is still a knot in my heart, and it has been loosened now. It is easier to untie it, but it is still entangled and refuses to do it, because once it is untied, I am sorry for Zhang Haoran, I am sorry for the past we have spent together and my persistence. I don't know how many days or years of life I have left, and I have been immersed in grief for the impossible.This is not the way.

This topic was first brought up because I had a good chat with epilepsy the day before, and the two of them kept talking and talking and talking, playing and playing, laughing and laughing, laughing until my face was covered with laughter. Stiff, he kept rubbing his face when he was walking slowly back to the temporary residence, trying to make the stiff facial muscles soft and blingbling, but as long as he remembered that he had talked so much with him before Happy, inexplicably, he turned his head up to the sky with a long smile, so the effort of rubbing his face for so long was in vain.

Probably because I was really happy. I had a dream that night. There was a popular saying before, that is, people dream only 3-5 minutes before waking up, but they can dream for a long time and dream into reality. Things that would take hours, days, or even years to happen, I was at my peak that day, and I dreamed through years in less than 5 minutes.

The plot is actually very rich, just like the beauties of the Tang Dynasty, but after all, it was a dream, and in retrospect, it became so thin, and suddenly became a beauty of the Qing Dynasty.But after all, she is still a "beauty". Even if I recall that dream now, the underlying truth is still there——

This background can also be regarded as the clue of the dream, flashing similar passages over and over again is like parallel sentences, people have to remember whether they want to remember——

It’s a window with a very low window sill, less than half a meter from the ground. He, me and epilepsy sat on the window sill in an ugly posture, one left and one right... .Day after day, year after year...I accompany him to watch the flowers bloom, rain fall, leaves bloom, wind rise, leaves fall, snow fall, moon rise, spring and summer Autumn and winter, watching day after day, and year after year...

In our dreams, we are also idle without limit. We just stay at home and live our daily life, buy vegetables and cook, raise flowers and fish, and the flowers die one batch after another, and the fish die one after another. , Few special dishes are cooked over and over again, and we live a life of the same and no excitement every day. At most, the scenery outside the window is different due to the change of seasons. It’s nothing more, but we But I have a soft spot for this kind of life. In my dream, I have been grinding like this for many years, I can't count how many years.

——Obviously so idle, but inexplicably feeling very happy, this kind of happiness can be clearly felt even through the barrier of reality and illusion.

So when I woke up that morning, I felt an inexplicable void in my heart.

I look forward to the fact that one day it will be like this, but I also clearly know that this is probably, possible, wrong, definitely, definitely impossible...

Then I don’t know why there was another brainstorm, inexplicably, it went back to the matter between Zhang Haoran and before, and suddenly remembered that the last time we were lying face to face on the bed, there was also a thought that could kill my entire future ——I was really willing to look at his face all the time, even if I could only look at his face...

The moment I looked at him, the sense of happiness in my heart felt inexplicably like that revealed in the dream that day—accompanied by an urge to die without regret.

Thinking of Zhang Haoran's heart, there was another pain in his heart, so he writhed twistedly on the bed for a while, feeling a throbbing pain in the slightly lower part of his heart, twitching his thoughts and returning to the dream, a little twisted After a while, I went back to Zhang Haoran, then it was a dream, and it was Zhang Haoran again——I understand that this situation is similar to when Zhang Haoran just left, every midnight I spent alone, my thoughts wandered around in a mess , Going around and around can't get any results, but it makes me dizzy, as if I can't survive or die.

I want to stop this situation, but it doesn't seem to be within the control of my consciousness...

But this time it seems to be different from the situation three years ago when I could not survive or die, because I was torn between the unbearable past and the day-to-day, year-after-year togetherness in my dream. , unexpectedly came to a conclusion - I want this too, I once wanted to be like this with Zhang Haoran, obviously just staying together boringly...

But there was no chance, just as longing sprouted, all roads were cut off...

Thinking of this, my nose was sore and I suddenly had the urge to cry, accompanied by my trembling breathing, as if I was really about to cry.But he still covered his eyes with his hands, held his breath and pressed his lips tightly, and finally resisted the urge.

When was the last time I cried?It seems to be a certain winter in Russia... What's more, the tears she shed were not because of sadness, but because the wind was too cold, and the eyes were blown dry by the wind.

After holding back the desire to cry, lying flat on the bed, I still couldn't get rid of the sadness, and couldn't help thinking about Zhang Haoran, thinking about the two of us wandering on the street, wandering in the night, Hanging around the dead body... Whenever I can stay with him, I will be happy, happy as if I can forget everything, forget the unbearable past-those about life and death, brother-in-law past.

As long as Zhang Haoran is by my side, I seem to have the ability and courage to quickly escape from the large shadow, instead of being self-confident and timid when I am alone.Standing next to him after escaping, the smile is like being illuminated by the sun...  

But it also meant that I couldn't leave him. After he left, the pain of the past hit me, and his leaving itself caused great grief. I was so desperate that I even forgot the correct way to express grief——

Struggling to survive for three years until now

Now I meet epilepsy in this misty and rainy land, and with him by my side, I suddenly found part of the feeling that I used to be with Zhang Haoran, the feeling of having no worries, being so happy that I looked up to the sky and laughed, and the tacit understanding index was MAX. , is there any difference from Zhang Haoran at that time-I realized this at this time, but it took a long time to realize the difference.

Think of epilepsy again, although the time is only in the morning.Suddenly, I had an urge to run to the gate of their school and sit on the plastic tables and chairs in front of the small shop, eating Oden or drinking Coke, while waiting for him to wander slowly out of the campus... ..

But I still feel that waiting so long will definitely kill me, so I still play with my mobile phone while waiting for my mobile phone to ring the alarm clock on time when the evening is approaching. Yes, the time applies not only to the place of temporary residence, but also to the KTVs I often go to.

In fact, I still couldn't calm down that day. Even if I read comics, read novels, browsed mobile games, or chatted online for a while, I felt that I was in a panic, and I felt like I wanted to jump out of bed. The urge to wander around the room, and at the same time, the carotid artery also felt particularly swollen and beating regularly, making people want to make a flat incision with a utility knife...

At the same time, the past and Zhang Haoran, and the present and epilepsy flashed in my mind in a mess. Looking back, I feel that there is no distance, as if it happened recently, but I also know deeply that one of them did happen recently. , and the other is a long time ago, and it is a past that can never go back...

So the feeling of wanting to run around became more and more intense, and the frequency of carotid artery beating became higher and higher.

Thinking back on my state at that time, I guess I was in a state of extreme confusion. I knew everything clearly in my heart. I gradually dissected myself and the current situation, but the clearer and clearer I was, the more It's an anatomy, but I can't make a decision—I probably can't decide whether to get rid of my attachment to Zhang Haoran, whether to untie the knot that I used to be so attached to, sad, collapsed and desperate.

Sitting at the school gate waiting for epilepsy that evening, I kept thinking about it.