critical value

In fact, rather than chasing and killing others with Zhang Haoran, I still prefer to hang out with Zhang Haoran, and when I think about it later, I also like to think about those wandering times.

However, when there is still a chance for the two of us to hang out together, I always find him boring, embarrassing and humiliating to me.

But of course I'm glad I didn't have any particularly close friends during that time, so I had no choice but to hang out with him when I wanted to go out and play.Because of this, I was able to understand him other than chasing and looking at documents, which can be regarded as making up for regrets.

What I gradually learned about him from some trivial things are some parts that can only be understood but cannot be expressed in words. The parts I like——

He always likes to hang around on the street, with no purpose, walking around as if he is letting himself go, but he also likes to pick some inaccessible alleys, or the broken places that feel very "desert and lonely".Sometimes he is really idle and has nothing to do, and he will make me waste my precious vacation, wandering around with him, I was very irritable at first, but when I walked in those desolate places, I suddenly felt relieved.

At that time, Zhang Haoran asked me for some unknown purpose: "Do you feel better?"

I said, "Yeah." He said for no reason that I was as authoritarian as him... I still don't understand the meaning of his words, guessing and guessing, but I can't figure it out. Instead, he guessed two purposes of his question——

[-]. He was trying to mock me, as usual

[-]. There is something in his words, he wants to judge whether we are compatible, or whether I am the type he likes by whether I feel the same way as him when I experience the same thing?Just like other tsunderes who dare not express their true inner thoughts.

Faced with Zhang Haoran's arrogance with some IQ, he will always be tricked without knowing it... For example, he was ridiculed just now as very authoritarian, but for Zhang Haoran who can hold my arm Arms, smile bloody face and then say "a man should kill" type, "dictatorship" may be a compliment.

For a long time, perhaps what I will never forget the most is the movement of his arm, that smile, and that sentence after I tortured the audience...

In fact, there are far more than those that I can't forget.

Every moment I remember with him now, every moment I think about him, is the part I don't want to forget.Even if it was some nights, thinking about his embarrassing appearance of tossing and turning, or the two of us chasing and killing together, getting injured together, almost dying together, and finally he died, I don’t want to forget it... ...

Because he is part of life.

Although, for the last moment, I have avoided it, I really don’t want to think of him who almost died in the end, the hatred in his eyes when he looked at me, countless and once could miss him sweetly, and I still can’t stop thinking about him until I toss and turn The night when I came down was the same late at night, and I was awakened by that look.

But I never had the courage to forget that scene. Both Zhang Weiran and my conscience reminded me over and over again: "It's your fault that he will die." So I could only stay silent in the darkness Lying on the bed, my heart was throbbing, I still missed Zhang Haoran, but it was no longer as sweet as before, no matter what, there was only bitterness and pain left.

No matter how much it hurts, no matter how hard it is, tears can't fall, because I also know that I have no right to cry——

If he was able to look at me with helpless eyes in the end, maybe now he still has a reason to pretend to be someone close to him, and weep day and night with dignity.But his eyes at the end were obviously full of hatred, and he was obviously looking directly at me. Every time he recalled it, he would deeply understand one thing-I was just like that in his mind, and he was not what I imagined depend on me.So, of course, I am not qualified to continue pretending to be someone close to him.

— After all, he didn't think that way himself.

But, avoiding the ending a little bit, thinking back to the time when we were hanging out together, I wondered if the two of us were so close at one time... Then it turned to the moment when he took my arm..... .

I didn't dare to think about such a beautiful scene, because not long after that moment, BadEnding arrived...

Putting these two things aside for the time being, it was even more difficult to face him when he first left me. I can only think back a little bit when Zhang Haoran was still a child who was still far from the end.

Now that I think about it, every hypocritical speech I made in junior high school was good. Sure enough, people will change a lot during the junior high school stage. After a while, they will look strange if they don’t see each other. Zhang Haoran was like that at that time.In addition to growing taller, the voice can be heard within two months, the whole person feels prickly, and he does not let others approach him, and he also becomes more and more like a yellow-haired swearing on the street.

Zhang Haoran just likes to hang out in places with few people, and sometimes he will break the lock and climb to the rooftop, although I have basically followed him wherever he goes, sometimes I see other people—for example, squatting in a ball The young men who are smoking will also get close to each other.But I would also go to school. At that time, Zhang Haoran was still wandering around outside, still making friends with others, but without me intervening by the side, I don’t know if he would have any special services.

In short, people really change a lot during junior high school, especially boys and girls who are particularly beautiful or ugly are more likely to develop yellow-haired and foul-mouthed, and they may not recognize them if they don't meet each other in those years.

Exactly how and when he changed, I don't know, because it must have happened when I was in class, after all, I would hang out with him when I was not in class.Zhang Weiran didn't know anything when asked about it. They were the type who didn't need much emotional connection to have a good understanding, so apart from sleeping and braiding, it seemed that the two of them had no communication at all.

Although in the end after I forced Zhang Haoran to get rid of his bad habits, Zhang Weiran told me about that time, in fact, his brother did not hide anything from him, every night when the two of us would nestle in bed and watch TV dramas, Zhang Haoran would nestle with him Smoking in his arms, and eventually developing to taking drugs, he didn't know why he didn't have the courage to control him...Of course, Zhang Weiran kept covering him until Zhang Haoran corrected him.

So, at the beginning, I didn't know anything at all, Zhang Haoran seemed to be the type who could pretend.Whether it's running around and having fun, when we were hanging out with me, we met young men passing cigarettes, or when we couldn't help chasing others, he was the kid who didn't have any bad habits , It’s not like when I’m not here, I’ll put a cigarette in my mouth in a very contrasting manner, sip the wine given by others, and then collapse by myself with my face covered by the hotness.

Although I still felt quite conflicted when I first found out, after all, I didn't like this kind of person, because it was everywhere, but even when I woke up the next morning when I discovered his bad habits, I forgave them all.

I am this kind of person, I can forget any big grievances after I sleep.Whether it was my brother stabbing me or facing the enemy who killed Zhang Haoran later.I am a completely bad person.Although the ancients said that "a person cannot stand without a strong bone", in the end, Zhang Haoran and I lived without a strong bone, while Zhang Haoran, who was stubborn and stubborn, left.

I don't really want to recall it, but it was there and I had to face it.

Compared with death, Zhang Haoran's learning to be bad is nothing at all, so after his death, I even began to regret getting angry with him at that time.Too much regret, I suspect that I understand the meaning of this idiom better than the person who created it. Of course, what I regret is not only the incident of getting angry at him, there are many more, which cannot be made up for...

Remnant,

It’s just that even if I regret it, I feel that if I have the chance to do it again, facing Zhang Haoran who is drugged and delirious, I will still push him aside without hesitation and get angry at him instead of taking advantage of the situation. Corner sauce stuffed... I feel so ashamed.

Zhang Haoran will become like that, we can’t just blame Zhang Weiran for his tolerance and protection, after all, even if the family background is clean and usually neither steals nor robs, if someone misses and does something bad, everyone will definitely choose to tolerate and cover up in unison. Instead of "killing relatives with righteousness" like junior high school political science students, hand him over to the violent state organs.Just like Zhang Weiran would never tell me what Zhang Haoran did.

Eh?No, according to this analogy, I seem to be a violent institution...

In the beginning, I really didn't find anything.

In front of me, Zhang Haoran's bad learning is also divided into many stages.

In the beginning, in retrospect, it was still my fault, and I couldn't blame Zhang Haoran for always wandering outside.At first, it was because I finally made it to the second half of the third year of junior high school. The weekends became single-day holidays. The winter vacation also expanded and contracted. Various vacations were also shortened as much as possible. There is a lot of homework, and I usually have to be kicked out by the head teacher to run circles, and sometimes I have to chase and kill others at night. When it comes to holidays, I sleep peacefully in the dark.

Sometimes Zhang Haoran wanted to go out for a stroll, and he still followed the old routine, as long as I was at home, he would call me, but at that time he was so sleepy that he struggled to wake me up.At that time, I was still very angry when I woke up. It seemed that basically every time I was woken up during the holidays, the person who woke me up would inevitably be scolded, and sometimes it was easy to beat me.

At that time, Zhang Haoran was scolded several times after calling me, and he stopped calling me over time.

I don't know if he was neglected during that time, but I was looking forward to it.He has no friends. After all, there are very few children in the gang, and occasionally he sees a young man who has nothing in common with him. The only ones he knows are Zhang Weiran and I. The two brothers usually don’t communicate much, and I don’t accompany them. he......

I don't know why I thought of Yan Xijiao in "Water Margin" at that time. She was sincere to Hei Saburo at first, but the Lun family was cold and neglected herself in various ways, so she hooked up with Zhang Wenyuan. Hei Saburo is angry, so he can pay more attention to himself.

Quite shaking M......

Perhaps Zhang Haoran was in the same mood as Yan Xijiao when he accepted cigarettes and wine from others with a loving face for the first time.

But when I got up and scolded him angrily, I didn't think about it at all.