double autumn

In the winter of his junior year, Lin Zhiqiu went back to Nancheng.While helping his father for a walk, they walked into the courtyard of the Catholic Church. Only then did Lin Zhiqiu discover that the dilapidated chapel had been completely renovated. It was disassembled and replaced with the usual stained windows of the church.My father said that Nancheng wanted to create a special tourist county. The county government allocated a large sum of money and did a lot of face-saving projects. Later, it was not applied for, but the street scenery was much better.Lin Zhiqiu stood under the statue of the Virgin Mary at the door, staring at the withered flowers and plants in the garden for a long time.

That year, his father had a relapse of an old illness and stayed in the hospital for a few days. Lin Zhiqiu came back to his hometown to take care of him and celebrate the winter solstice.My birthday on Christmas Eve was also passed in Nancheng by the way. After dinner, the church on the opposite side of the street became lively. Lin Zhiqiu remembered the habit in middle school, became a little interested, and walked slowly.The church was not strictly controlled. When the believers were singing hymns, Lin Zhiqiu squeezed in along the crowd to watch.All the clergymen sat on only four or five rows of benches, and the ones at the back were all occupied by the elderly, watching a series of ceremonies as a performance, waving their hands happily.Lin Zhiqiu took a seat in the last row. In the bustle, Lin Zhiqiu only gradually felt exhausted and helpless.

Can't remember what the ceremony was like.Lin Zhiqiu didn't know how to sing the hymn, and he couldn't remember how to say the prayer, but once the priest's voice sounded, the noise in his ears stopped.The lit pink candles in tin boxes were handed out row by row, one for each person. They looked cheap, as if they were bought at random.A child in the same row stretched out his fingers to grab the flame to play with, but the old man who was holding him hurriedly pulled him back by his sleeve.Lin Zhiqiu watched quietly, holding the iron box in his palm.His hands are extremely cold in winter, so cold that when the iron box is placed on the palm of his hand, it only slightly burns.Before he could get used to it, the following ceremony began.

Lin Zhiqiu's eyes are not good.It's not a natural eye disease, it's just a problem that fell in the process of growing up.When I was in high school, I often wore a pair of glasses. Later, the doctor said that it was not good, so I took them off, and only had a look when necessary.So usually his vision is blurry.Fuzzy color blocks, fuzzy shapes, because of the weakening of eyesight, hearing seems to be struggling a lot.The heat of the fire burned his eyes, he felt a little dry, blinked his eyelids, and closed them.

——Let us quietly listen to Heavenly Father's teachings, reflect on what we have thought and done this year, and repent to Him...

—Pray to the Father!Ask him for forgiveness...no matter what sin you have committed...pray to him...

——Pursue your kindness to cleanse our souls...Our Holy Father is merciful, He will forgive all your faults, guide you...and guide you on the path of light...

Lin Zhiqiu gradually felt that the candle was burning.He suddenly thought of Lin Daoyi.In the past, every time he saw Lin Dao smoking a cigarette, he couldn't help getting closer.The smell of smoke was too strong, but it was the smell of his lover.He watched as Lin Dao smoked, inhaled nicotine deeply into his lungs, and then exhaled gray smoke from between his lips and teeth.The cigarette will soon burn to the bottom. As soon as Lin Dao bites the butt of the cigarette, he presses the gray-red cigarette butt with the index finger and thumb of his left hand, crushes it, and the fire is extinguished.Lin Zhiqiu once learned to grind it with his hands, but he was scalded to death. At that time, he and his brother had been separated for a long time, and he still couldn't help thinking: his brother's fingertips had already formed a thick layer of calluses, and he must have smoked a lot so far. Has he hurt himself like this for many years?Could physical pain bring him spiritual pleasure?

But what about myself, isn't it the same? ...The pain of the body is like a way to get rid of the shackles of the spirit, a way to redeem sins...

--Oh God!Forgive my sins, deliver me from my pain, lead me to...

— lead me on the bright path!

"To Almighty God and to all faithful

Admit my mistakes in thinking, speaking and acting

my sins my sins my felonies

For this, I implore the ever-virgin Mary, the angels, the saints, and all you faithful

pray to the lord for me

our god

At that moment, Lin Zhiqiu's heart suddenly shook. He remembered the prayer he read with Lin Daoyi when he was 15 years old, and remembered every word and every sentence of the confession.Is he guilty?He has it... he is guilty!Isn’t incest and immorality not a crime?Is it not a sin to injure living beings--the hearts of others and the flesh of oneself?Treat yourself as a victim and pity yourself, never blame yourself, never repent, anyone with a conscience should never do this!It's even more sinful!This is all... and it is these that make him sink into pain and cannot extricate himself.Then he prayed, Lord, my Father!Please forgive my sins, please help me, and show me a reason to live...

When the shaking of his heart caused the trembling of his body, he shed tears.

In the spring of the second year, Lin Zhiqiu swallowed most of the bottle of sleeping pills with water on a fine evening.He was lying on the bed without glasses, and he could vaguely see the brilliance of the setting sun penetrating through the thin and transparent gauze curtain, dazzled his eyes.Even though the light was so gentle, it hurt his eyes.It was that dim yellow light that gradually occupied his field of vision. The gauze curtain disappeared, the floor disappeared, all the facilities in the room disappeared, and finally even his body disappeared, everything was plunged into darkness.That is the destination of the human spirit, a piece of darkness, a piece of chaos, just like the mother's womb before birth, warm and stable, in which you don't know the direction, drifting at will.All the sicknesses and torments, the pains and the illusory pleasures of this world are gone.

However, the Heavenly Father still did not give up on him. Even though he had not been baptized and was not considered His believer, the Heavenly Father still gave him a life-saving straw—he was sent to the hospital, and woke up after three days of coma , the first person I saw was Lin Daoyi who was holding his hand and fell asleep from exhaustion.

"There won't be any more...all will be fine. Don't be afraid, I'm here, don't be afraid."

The spring rain in April started pattering down, damp and cool, and the rain washed away the small garden outside the ward.Father opened the door from outside the ward and came in, reaching out to check on Lin Zhiqiu's situation, but was stopped lightly by Lin Daoyi.He got up and washed his hands, brought back a glass of water, bent down, dipped his fingertips in the water and applied it to Lin Zhiqiu's lips little by little.This is a procedural action of caring for the patient, but because of the temperature of his fingertips and the light in his eyes, it brings a charming scene.Lin Zhiqiu couldn't speak, and could only look into his brother's eyes: his own image occupied his entire iris, and he knew that he had always occupied his entire heart.

Lin Daoyi finally went back to China to work, lived in Yongshi with Lin Zhiqiu, and occasionally went back to Nancheng to visit his father.Their affairs, probably because there are only two of them getting along, and there is nothing to worry about, they can do whatever they want.But Lin Zhiqiu always knew that the current life was nothing more than a carefree life. If he spends more days with Lin Daoyi, the time they spend together will be one less day.This is also the doomed ending - in front of them, there is always only one road leading to parting.Resisting, it is impossible to resist the doomed fate, just refusing to start a family is already absurd... let alone tell the truth, grit your teeth and work hard for a small hope?Lin Zhiqiu didn't dare, he thought such an effort would be futile; Lin Daoyi didn't dare either, how could those worries about separation hurt his younger brother more than the world's cold eyes and insults?Just protecting Lin Zhiqiu and letting his heart disease heal slowly has already tensed up his nerves, so how could he take such a risk!

So he lived like this slowly, watching Lin Dao go on a blind date, flicking his face to scare away several girls, and finally met Miss Xiaoliang, Lin Zhiqiu was finally tired and couldn't stop making trouble.Every month of extension is like fighting a war.The father and the single aunt got married, and the two brothers took advantage of the banquet to sneak out and take a photo under the wedding arch. Lin Daoyi gave Lin Zhiqiu a diamond ring.It was Lin Daoyi's own design learned from his juniors in the same school. He hired someone and supervised it personally. It was engraved with Daoqiu inside, but the two of them had never worn it.Lin Daoyi's hand is indeed beautiful, but it's empty, there should be many small silver rings, but the other hand can never exist on Lin Zhiqiu's ring finger.

It can be regarded as good luck.At least once the lips were close to each other, the body temperature covered the body temperature, sweet words were spoken when the water and milk were in harmony, and the bitten wound on the back of the neck was licked. The blood flowing in the body is no one can be more similar to it. .Heavenly Father has bestowed the continuation of life and the short-lived crazy joy, if it does not last forever, it is not a pity.

Lin Daoyi raised his arm and embraced Lin Zhiqiu's thin shoulders.His two lips were lowered close to his ears, and his breath was warm: "Zhiqiu, are you asleep? Dad called us, it's time to go."

In an instant, a ray of warmth from the sun returned to Lin Zhiqiu's hands.Only then did he realize that he was indeed a little confused, and fell asleep lightly, but his thoughts were still active.Looking back on the time I have spent in the past half of my life, it is only a short moment in the 28 years, but the actual time has passed for a long time.Before he woke up, a thought suddenly appeared in his heart: what if he escaped everything?Just like he chose to close his eyes that spring, they can also start from this moment to go far away to avoid all helplessness and persecution. There is no one in the distance, and the distance is full of freedom and deep love... However, there is still Before he could grasp the thought, he woke up.

"Thank you Lord, it is your death and your resurrection that allow us to be born again. It is your precious blood shed on the cross that covers all our sins and enables us to escape from Satan's accusation of all our transgressions. Jehovah's holy Father God, punish us no longer according to our transgressions, so that we can rejoice before the glorious throne of the Father, and praises will fly...

Father, You are a great God, You are a God worthy of praise and praise, Father God I thank you, you answer me, you take my praise as your throne; when I praise you, you are with me .Father God, I thank you that you promised me that when I praise you, you will take away all the bondage of my sins, and make me have full peace and joy in your presence, and you will take away all my diseases, so that I have a Healthy body and mind; you will remove all my evil thoughts and make me a victor in the spiritual battle..."

He opened his eyes, and the voice in his ears drifted away like the wind. In front of him was his elder brother. Lin Daoyi didn't look at him, and his eyes fell on a certain place on the colored window.Lin Zhiqiu lowered his head, holding Lin Daoyi's dark blue tie in his palm.He moved his fingers, wanting to tell Lin Daoyi what he had just thought, but he just clenched his hands.

The author has something to say: it's over for now.After a while, I wrote a new one and added it.If you are lucky enough to see this article, I hope it can bring you a little entertainment.Alternatively, you can also write a comment to tell us your thoughts or corrections.

I am Lin Jing.