I just want you to be well

I just couldn't believe it, I slept with him all night.

Maybe the curtains were not closed last night, and the morning light sneaked into my eyes through the gap.I slightly opened my eyes and looked at him in my arms, a man named Yin Le, a boy who let my heart temporarily let go of the burden.

I carefully looked at his sleeping face.I can feel his lovely breathing as he sleeps, and the sun shines on his dark hair so brightly, just like himself.I flicked his bangs with my left hand, the first time I touched his hair.It felt like wanting to touch his head when I first met him.

My right arm was numb and I moved a little.He seemed to sense that I was awake, turned his head sideways from the back, rubbed his eyes, and slowly opened them.

"You...", he subconsciously yawned, "why did you wake up so early... why are you looking at me like this...", he smiled cutely.

"It's not because you woke up...", I teased him.

He had an apologetic expression, as if coquettish, "Don't get so close, you have bad breath in the morning."

"You just know?"

"Speaking of which you don't seem to have any," his eyes were still half-closed.

He got up slowly, and suddenly looked at me nervously, "We didn't do anything last night, we just had a normal sleep, right!?"

He searches around the bed, seemingly looking for used condoms and lube.

I rubbed my nose, leaned my hands on the back of my head, and deliberately looked up at the ceiling, "I did it! Didn't I say it was a good date?"

"You're lying!", he pushed me with his elbow, "Uncle, I remember the first time a virgin's back hurts, okay? Maybe it's bleeding..."

He subconsciously reached out to touch his buttocks.

I couldn't help laughing, "Bleeding? Do you think you're a girl?"

I quietly moved my face close to his, "Do you want to try how it feels?"

He looked shy, rolled his eyes upwards, and said in a low voice, "No."

His eyeballs returned to the center of the pupil, looking straight at me.I couldn't help but want to kiss his lips, but stopped.

He looked at me sleepily, seeing through my move to kiss him.

I turned around, got out of bed and walked to the bathroom, while motioning for him to brush his teeth and wash his face.

When we brush our teeth, we rub the toothpaste foam on each other's face with our hands.Back and forth, like children playing.

"You're so dirty," I laughed.

"You're dirtier!", he laughed, smearing all the lather all over my face.

My beard has turned gray.Looking at myself in the mirror, I feel like an old man who is over [-] years old, like a happy old man who is often seen in TV dramas, brushing his teeth and washing his face with the person he likes every morning.

After lunch, I take him back to school.All the way in the car, he kept looking out the window.

"Uncle, what is our relationship now...?"

I tried to speak, but choked up again.Tell him we're just friends?This is clearly a lie.

Can you admit to yourself the kind of relationship that each other thinks in your heart?I'm scared.I am afraid that even if we are together, one day we will choose to cheat and leave because of my illness or lack of love.I don't want to take the pain that I went through, and I don't want to start a relationship that didn't have a future in the first place.

"Uncle?"

He looked at me with an innocent questioning expression, like he was the victim.

"Just wait patiently, your school is coming soon."

I want to avoid this topic, like a person who ate the forbidden fruit last night, and wants to run away immediately after eating, and doesn't want to procrastinate.

He was silent, as if thinking about something.

"I know what you're thinking, are you afraid of your illness...?"

How can he read minds?I still deliberately ignored him.

After arriving at school, he insisted on dragging me around the campus.I was thinking, wouldn't it be shameful for a person over thirty to visit campus?I tried to shake off his grip on my arm, but somehow he gripped it even tighter.

In this way, we passed all kinds of trails in the campus quietly, and passed through the lush greenery covered by the sun.I suddenly miss my college.

"I used to walk around campus like this," I smiled at him.

He looked back at me, "Are you alone?"

"Sometimes I walked alone with my first love," I sighed unconsciously, "I even took him along similar forest trails."

"Then will you hold my hand?"

I looked at his puzzled and expectant expression, and his eyes were full of hints of holding hands, telling me to hold his hand, but I didn't.

"There are so many people, aren't you afraid?"

"I don't know if I'm afraid. I just know that when you're with someone you like, no matter when and where, you can't help but want to do everything a lover would do, just like you hold your first love It's the same as his hand. You must have loved him very much at that time."

He paused for a while, sighing enviously.

In the past, I thought almost the same as him. Just because I liked that person, I became fearless and fearless. I wanted to accomplish with him what all lovers would accomplish. It was like a race against time, and I cherished the time spent with him. every second.Just when the Bird's Nest and the Water Cube were built in Beijing and everyone was cheering for the Olympics, I just wanted to protect my little happiness with my first love.

Looking back now, even though China was strong and open enough at that time, many people in the circle could not get rid of the fear of their own closets, let alone let them take the initiative to complete an open love that is no different from heterosexuality.

I don't deliberately reveal my identity, and I look quite manly myself, at least no one thinks I'm an insider in the workplace.But if you really meet someone you like, maybe the excitement of wanting to announce "you belong to me" to the world will spontaneously arise. At that time, who cares what others think of you?

"It's very difficult for comrades to fall in love and show affection very openly. No one wants to bear the pressure and gossip that others don't have," he choked up.

I nodded in agreement.It's just that what restrains me now is not the pressure from society and others.

"I used to be used to being verbally attacked when I was in school. Now I have learned how to block these abuses. After all, their mouths grow on them, but their lives are their own. Just live happily."

He bowed his head, the sadness of the past soaked in his hoarse voice.As I listened to his chanting, I imagined what happened to him in the past.

"Fortunately, my friends in college took good care of me. They never mind the real me."

He stopped suddenly, and walked towards an old tree in front of him, his torso had been deliberately scratched.He reached out and touched the words left by others.His expression was a little wandering, and he stopped talking.

I just looked at him quietly, still not making a sound.

"My best friend once encouraged me like this", he suddenly turned to me, "Because I am different from others, our life trajectories are different. But there is always a moment when our trajectories meet somewhere like a shooting star, Finally fell on the same planet."

He smiled slightly, and I sighed knowingly, "How can there be so many tracks intersecting together? You read too many novels."

He suddenly smiled awkwardly, "I do read a lot of novels. Am I talking too much? Are you distracted by listening too..."

"No, no, concentrate on it."

His attainments are several realms higher than other long-tongued men, and my ears digested his broadness word by word.Although it is chicken soup, it is not greasy and artificial.

"So, I don't want to hide myself in fear anymore, I want to slowly release my true self," he said with a relieved smile on his face.

"Aren't you the real you now?"

He raised his head and smiled, folded his hands together, and said proudly, "People have many faces, maybe what you see now is just one side of me."

I smiled and asked back, "Really? I'm curious how many sides you have in total."

He walked in front of me and looked back at me, "This requires you to explore slowly by yourself."

We made a detour out of the trail and walked up the grassy slope.He asked calmly, "What do you think love is?"

I sneered, "How do I know?"

"Love is like a multiple-choice question," he said with his head on one side, "but could it actually be a predestined meeting? Or maybe it's a long-term love?"

I smirked, "You mean 'day' long life love?"

He rolled his eyes at me, "Speaking of this, I really want to complain. Why don't people believe in true love anymore? Is fast food love the mainstream? I only think about the day every day."

I looked at him and thought, is he mocking me?

"If you only talk about love, it's too lofty and unrealistic."

"Really?" He stopped on the grass slope and looked into the lake. "Love is a very pure thing. I have always had a lot of longing for it. However, no matter how beautiful it is, it can't resist the temptation of material things and cheating. I can’t bear the opposition of the world.”

I stared at his still face, as if reading his inner monologue, but it was too tall and grand.

He smiled contemptuously at me, shook his head and sighed, "Too many people in the industry have trapped themselves in a closet, dare not face their feelings, and feel ashamed of their sexual orientation. Those who don’t like it are those people who don’t look the same.”

I smiled contemptuously, "Could it be me?"

He squinted his eyes and looked at me, "Then you have to ask yourself", he hesitated, "Anyway, I especially hate those who hate themselves because they are gay, and even bully their own kind", he hesitated.

"Then do you hate dating people?"

"Hate it," he replied briskly, "but we have no right to interfere in other people's lives, we just ask them not to be too sexual. After all, once a bad trend has formed, fewer and fewer people believe that there is true love in the circle. .”

I didn't respond to him right away.Perhaps the long speech just now was deliberately told to me by him.I admit that his bravery, insight into love and chicness are rare in the circle.But, I still wonder, is he really that good?Did he say what he said to everyone?Or, just do what you like?

I approached him and looked at the lake together, "I think you are much braver and wiser than me in terms of looking at love. I used to be very close to what you think, but now I don't buy it anymore. "

As soon as the voice fell, I walked past him, and he followed me and walked forward quietly without saying anything.

We walked down the grassy slope and came to the lake. The reflection of the sunset happened to be reflected in the water, like a burning ocean.

He stopped suddenly, "Are you going to keep running away?"

I also stopped, and looked back at him suspiciously, "Escape from what?"

He looked at me, "Your illness, and us."

I stared at him, only to see that his face was a little more mature under the reflection of the sunset.

"I didn't run away, I just didn't want to hurt you."

His volume was deliberately raised, and his tone was a little excited, "Do you really think that you will hurt me if you are with me? Is it because you are afraid of your own illness? Or are you afraid that I won't be able to bear it?"

My eyes escaped his questioning.

"If you are unwilling to take this step, how do you know that I can't bear it? Although I know that this disease is difficult to treat, it can be controlled with drugs. You can still live like a normal person and live a good life of…"

For me, his naive "live like a normal person" was a bit harsh, and I started to get a little impatient.

"There's no way I'm going to live like a normal person. From the moment I get my results and you see me stepping out of quarantine, there's no way my life can go back to the way it was before. I don't have any choice... get it ?”

I choked up several times.

He grabbed my arm tightly, "You are just a normal person, why do you look at yourself so negatively?"

He became more and more excited, "I know, I'm not you, so I can't fully understand your illness and all kinds of troubles in your life in the future. But you can't always avoid it, just ignore it. Since it has become a fact, why can't you How about trying to accept it as part of your life and choose to live better?"

His expression began to twist into a ball, like a harbinger of crying.

"You still have me, if you want..."

I looked at him, speechless.

I shook my head helplessly, but he came closer to me.

I grabbed his thin shoulders with my hands, "I know you are good for me. You have never understood the life of someone with this disease. I am afraid that you will regret it. I am afraid that you will be implicated if you are with me. I am afraid One day you can't take it anymore, and then you just run off with someone else without saying a word."

I choked up, "Since this is the result we all know, why are we still obsessed with the beginning? Of course, the sooner it ends, the less pain it will be..."

I struggled a lot in my heart, but I still said these words reluctantly, knowing that I already liked him.Whenever I face him, the bottom line I stick to will only be pulled lower again and again.But in any case, I still don't want each other to be in a painful relationship and torture each other.

I'm afraid that I can't bear it, and I'm even more afraid that he can't bear it.

However, he was looking at me with eyes that no one had ever used before.That look seemed to be pleading, more like a promise.

"Can you stop thinking like that? Why do you just refuse to believe in others, that we might be able to overcome these difficulties?" He looked at me emotionally, "Although I have no experience in love, and I have never really taken care of anyone .I know that I will definitely make mistakes. Even if we can be together, we will definitely quarrel and have the idea of ​​giving up..." He continued to choke up, "But you can't be depressed because of this disease. You can choose to live Happier and can choose to be born again, why not give ourselves and us a chance?"

I stared at him and wanted to hug him tightly with both hands, but I still didn't move.

"I don't know", I shook my head at him, turning my back to him helplessly, "I haven't been in a serious relationship for a long time. I don't know how long we can go, when my condition will worsen, when we will Can't stand all kinds of problems and make a lot of noise, or...", I choked up, "One day we will get tired of each other and want to break free from each other", I suddenly grabbed his hands, "You and I, It's like being a gangster, and I'm afraid we're all going to end up losing each other in an explosion... get it?"

I want to touch his face, so young and so fragile.

I continued excitedly, "If we are together, not only I will suffer the pain, but you will also suffer from it. You should just give up..."

As soon as the voice fell, I let go of my hands.But at this moment, his face came up and kissed my lips.

There was pity for me in his affectionate eyes.His face slowly returned to the most suitable position for the two to look at each other, staring at me with eyes as deep as a fan, "Then let's remove this cock together."