I just want you to be well

He hugged me slightly, and within three seconds, he let go of me, turned and left.

"Take care of yourself, you deserve someone better than me."

I watched him walk away step by step, and the sun slowly disappeared into a certain corner of the earth along with his steps.

Before going to bed, I lay in bed and thought about it for a long time, and I kept wondering whether it was possible for me and my uncle.With my phone in hand, I've been searching the web for information on "HIV infection," "HIV cures," "HIV recovery odds," and "getting along with HIV lovers."

I don't understand, after learning the most terrifying secret in his heart last night, I can still face him calmly and don't want to give up on him.Maybe it's pure liking, maybe it's ignorance of AIDS, or it's out of sympathy.

I tossed and turned in bed for a long time, my mind was all about him, him, and him.

I admit that I am still afraid and have concerns about this unknown virus.When I scrolled through pictures of AIDS patients, I resisted in my heart.That kind of terminally ill and weak seems to be cursed from hell.

I will unconsciously put the uncle in the same seat, and I am afraid that one day he will become like this.I don't dare to think about it, and I don't want to think about it.

Especially when I saw some monologues about AIDS patients at the end stage, I suddenly understood why he suddenly became angry in the afternoon, and hated the three words I said to him, "normal people".Uncle, he has been afraid. He doesn't want to face this kind of future, let alone give up his life so quickly.

In the next week, he didn't take the initiative to find me.I saved his phone number and WeChat, but I just stared at the phone screen in a daze, because I didn't know what to say to him.

Until I saw a book "The Little Blue Pill".It tells the story of the love between the hero Fred and the AIDS heroine Katie.In fact, before the male lead really accepted the female lead, he was also hurt by the truth about the female lead, and that kind of inner entanglement was like me who couldn't sleep that night.Even if you like him, you don't know whether to hold on to him and face it with him.

Of course, like all good romances, Fred kept Katie for the night.That night, there was only hugs, just like that night, Wei Jun and I slept in each other's arms.I seem to have forgotten his illness, only remembering him, who I like.It felt so warm, and what he didn't know was that I woke up long before he woke up and looked at me carefully.

What I saw at that time was just an uncle with no spikes, and even a little cute.

His slightly squinting movements are sometimes accompanied by the sound of big breathing, and sometimes the corners of his mouth are raised slightly.I pretended to close my eyes, wondering when he would wake up.

I suddenly realized something.Although reality is not a fairy tale, no one denies that fairy tales can be created.Since I like Wei Jun, why should I hesitate to accept him?Isn't it the process from liking someone to loving someone from accepting his goodness to accepting his wholeness and imperfection?

I know that Wei Jun is afraid. He is afraid that this disease will bring him a deformed life, a thorny relationship, and that we will be involved in a relationship that has no future but only hurts each other.I am not afraid of any difficulties I will encounter with him, even if I will be covered in bruises or even smashed to pieces when the gunshot sounds, I don't care.

I immediately called him several times, wanting to ask him out for dinner, a drink, or a walk on a street corner in Shanghai.I just want to see him, to tell him what I think, to try to convince him.

However, no matter how I contact him, he refuses to talk to me.Whether the user is busy or turned off.He didn't reply to the message on WeChat, but there were traces of him going offline on the software.

I know that he doesn't want to pay attention to me, wants to forget me, and wants to continue his decadent life of revenge.But I don't want him to continue this life of constantly hurting himself.

Although I don't know many people in the circle, I also asked a few close gay friends, but none of them knew him.They persuaded me to go to some famous clubs in Shanghai and look for them, maybe I could still meet them.When they asked me if I wanted to go with them this Saturday night, I said yes without hesitation.

When it was almost eleven o'clock that night, the three of us went to Angel first.This is the first time in my life to visit this kind of bar.

As soon as I walked in, I saw a huge DJ booth, and the dance floor was full of men, like a small base city, full of "us".The disco in the bar is mixed with colorful neon lights, and every night owl seems to be filled with different colors, which complement the rainbow flag on the bar counter.People in the store would look at each other frequently, and the mixed environment and similar internet celebrity faces made it more difficult for me to search for Wei Jun's figure.

The two gay friends who accompanied me disappeared into the sea of ​​people within seconds after I entered the door, and then I was like a sheep out of the flock, watched by the surrounding wolves, as if it would be eaten at any time.

I was a little anxious because I wanted to find Wei Jun here, but I was afraid that he didn't go anywhere tonight and just stayed at his home.

I walked across the crowded dance floor, squeezed out of control by other bodies.I could feel many arms and hands passing over me, and I looked around in panic, hoping someone would notice my embarrassment.How I wish Wei Jun would appear in front of me at this moment.

Unfortunately not.I managed to survive alone in the sea of ​​people.

My eyes get tired from the bright lights.When my consciousness was at the critical stage of clarity and fuzziness, my hand was held by a stranger.He was a head taller than me, with a small moustache, but he looked a few years younger than Wei Jun.All I could see was his lips moving: "Hi, are you alone?"

I just nodded my head in a daze and yelled "I'm looking for a friend", feeling like I couldn't louder than the music on the dance floor.

His eyes were playing tricks on me, and he slightly raised the corners of his mouth, "I'm here to play alone, I saw you wandering around on the dance floor for a long time, so I'll come over and take you to play with me."

"But I have friends here...", I pretended to look around.

I don't know if he really didn't hear it or pretended not to hear it, but he kept saying "It's okay, let's play together, I'll take you away" behind my ear.

I was pulled into the dance floor for no reason, my brain was too loud to think because of the live music, his eyes kept staring at me, for a moment our eyes met each other so logically, I found his The eyes are somewhat similar to Wei Jun's.

He kept smiling at me, took my hand and danced from time to time, put his arm around my waist, and pinched my waist again after a while.

"Ah, it hurts so much", this pinch made me sober up a lot.

"Don't touch me!", I yelled loudly and shook off his hand.Some fat and strong men standing next to us looked at us, then rolled their eyes and continued dancing.

I pushed him away, "I'm really going to find my friend, he needs me now!", and plunged into the crowd again.

But this time, I somehow just crossed the dreaded dance floor.

Nearly an hour has passed, and my two friends have already gathered together in the "Handsome Guy" and "Tiancai" groups to laugh and play with each other.They seem very close, you and me.I don't know if they have had an affair before, or this is how they usually get along with celebrities in the circle.

I have zero gains here.Holding my last hope, I took a taxi and went to another bar to find Wei Jun.

I heard that ASIABLUE is a circle with rich history in Shanghai.Before I entered the door, I prayed wholeheartedly that I would be lucky enough to find Wei Jun.

This bar is relatively retro and artistic, less restless and noisy.Some were toasting and laughing at the booths, some were flirting with others at the bar, but Wei Jun was not seen, feeling a little disappointed.I looked deep into the store and carefully looked at everyone present.

I vaguely saw a man in an army green polo shirt lying on the table in the corner bar. The bartender kept calling him. Can continue to drink.

I went up to have a look, it was Wei Jun.

It's him.

This moment is simply the pinnacle of my luck today.

His eyes were foggy, and he had a drunken face that was unlovely.

I hurried to his side, "What are you doing here so drunk?!"

I tried to shake him awake.

He slowly opened his eyes and pointed at me, "Are you... that Yin Le?"

He rested his face on the bar with one hand, "You...how did you come here?"

"Just to find you, I'm afraid something will happen to you," I deliberately raised my voice, "I've already gone to two bars, and I really found you!"

He looked at me with a smirk, and shook his fingers up and down at me, trying to ridicule me for being stupid.But when he's drunk, it just makes people want to laugh, because he looks really silly like a child.

When he was about to pick up the bottle and continue drinking, I snatched the bottle from his hand.

"You can't drink any more, you are already very drunk!" I shouted loudly, and people at other tables looked in our direction.

"I'm not drunk! I'm not drunk! I'm not drunk!", his expression was very excited, "I used to sing and sing every night, no matter how much I drank or played, I would never get drunk! I can also seduce many handsome and cute zeros ..."

At this time, his face was close to mine, and he pinched my face with both hands, "Huh?! Aren't you one of them?"

He laughed like a madman, and I was a little annoyed when I heard this.

"What do you mean I'm one of them? I'm not like them! They want to sleep with you, and I'm here to take you home! Stop drinking and come with me!"

I tried to pull him away with one hand, but my thin body couldn't pull him away and was thrown away by him instead.

"I don't want to go, I don't want to go home, why do you care about me, why do you care about me?! I want to continue drinking. My life is up to me, I can do whatever I like, and I don't need anyone to care about me. "

His face turned red instantly, I don't know if it was because of the alcohol or because he was really angry, but I couldn't suppress my arrogance.

"No! Just because I can't understand how depraved you are, I have to take care of it!"

Maybe it was because my voice was a little loud, and two boys next to me came over and asked me if I needed help, so I nodded quickly.

The three of us dragged him desperately, and it took a lot of effort to pull him off the high chair.After the two boys helped me to support him and sent him out of the bar, Wei Jun's body was completely pressed on my back, and I finally realized what it means to be on top of a mountain.

I was crumbling with him on my back, unable to move an inch, especially since he was struggling and resisting desperately.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I leaned him directly against the railing on the side of the road.After a while, he started throwing up on the side of the road.I imitated those who take care of drunk people in TV series and patted his back lightly.

After vomiting, his expression looked very pale and haggard, which made people feel uncomfortable.I continued to pat him on the back lightly, "Are you feeling better?"

He looked at me with narrowed eyes, "No, not at all."

It made me sad to see him depressed.

Slowly his face came closer, and what I could smell was alcohol.

He stared at me for a long time, touched my head with his right hand, then stroked my face down, leaned towards me, and hugged me, "I'm not doing well at all. I can't do well at work. , the relationship is not good, the person is not very good, in short, I am not good at anything."

I put my hands on his back and comforted him, "But everyone's life sucks sometimes, and it's not just you."

He got more and more excited, and I could feel his body sobbing, and my shoulders started to get wet.

"I'm really a failure. My life is really a mess, it's terrible! Why do you still like a rotten person like me? Why do you still want to hang on?"

I can hear him crying.

At this time, what I saw in front of my eyes was a man with many scars, and what I smelled was no longer the smell of alcohol, but hostility.

I patted his back and comforted him.To be honest, no matter what I said, there seemed to be no way to change his appearance.I know that feeling is thwarted, and it's frustrating.But I'm going to say it anyway.

"Yeah, I've met so many people, you're the worst. From the time you just wanted to ask me out, to telling me about your horrible revenge plan after you opened the room, and then pretending you don't like me and letting me go , and finally left me at school to worry about you. You are really bad”, I suddenly smirked, and my voice gradually became gentle, “But I don’t know why, no matter how bad you are, no matter how miserable you are, I still don’t feel relieved You. I've struggled with it for a long time, but I've never liked anyone as much as I do with you. I don't know if this counts as a kind of sympathy..."

I feel that he probably didn't listen to me, "So, no matter how bad your life is now, if you can meet me, you will be more or less moved, right?"

He suddenly couldn't laugh or cry, grabbed my shoulder and looked at me, "Are you God sent me to make a joke? You struggled for so long and finally you want to be with a sick person?"

I rolled his eyes, "Maybe some people's lives need me to save?" I don't know where I got the confidence to say such a ridiculous thing.

He started laughing, really laughing.

"Yin Le, do you know?" He suddenly looked at me seriously, "Actually, when I saw you on the software, I thought, your legs are very beautiful."

I raised the corners of my mouth proudly.

"Also, I found that your eyes are also beautiful, and your eyebrows are beautiful."

He must be drunk, very drunk.

"All the friends I know praise me like that," I said complacently.

"The night we went to the Bund, I found that you were really nice, with a good appearance and a good inside. At that time... I just planned to find someone who didn't like me to have fun and get revenge. But after meeting you, I find myself constantly erasing my boundaries," his expression contorts.

"Then... when we were in the hotel, I really... really gave up the idea of ​​revenge, because I didn't want to hurt you. And because after listening to your words, I felt more and more why my life is so bad. How unbearable my life has been in the past 30 years."

I heard his sobbing.I wanted to go forward and cover his mouth with my hand to prevent him from speaking, but he shook my hand away vigorously.

"I found that even if I like you very much, I can't show you my unsatisfactory life, and I can't impose my unsatisfactory life on your life. I don't want you to get hurt with me, and I don't want you to regret your choice one day me."

I thought I could hold back his sudden affectionate confession, until he said this sentence, "Your life is full of colors, and it shouldn't be reduced to black and white with mine."

Tears welled up in his eyes, and he rested his head on my shoulder again.

I hugged him tightly to comfort him.At this time, what I felt on my shoulders was not only the weight of his head, but also the burden of his life in the first half of his life.

It turned out that this was why he resisted me so much before and avoided me.He was afraid that I would not be able to bear such a weight.

But now, I think I can do it.

I didn't reply immediately, just let his tears hit me.

He hugged me and asked the question I've always dreamed of, "Will you be with me?"

I froze for a moment, kissed his lips actively, and hugged him even tighter.

I lost my first kiss, but I got him.