disqualified hero

"winter"

2011 years.

Shuji Tsushima is about to graduate after studying at the University of Tokyo for three and a half years. He did not graduate from a bachelor's degree or a monk, but a doctorate.Studying is often a long process. Take the young Professor Sato as an example. He studied for four years as an undergraduate. In the last year of his undergraduate course, he began to work on a master’s project with his supervisor. He wasted another five years for his Ph. D. and was able to stay in school after ten years. , is already an incredible feat.

However, a down-to-earth smart person cannot be compared with a talented person. If Shuji Tsushima hadn't spent a year polishing his doctoral dissertation, but submitted it hastily like many modern students, he might have set a record for graduation time .

"Katori." Professor Sato raised his glasses frame, "help me take the afternoon class." When I am a postdoctoral student, I always have to help the professor guide students with lower education, even in Japanese universities.

Katori stood up and responded, and he asked by the way: "What is Tsushima-san doing this afternoon?" Sato brought a total of two doctoral students, he and Tsushima.

"He is helping me find information." Sato said.

People's hearts are biased. Sato tried to be fair to the two students. Shuji Tsushima studied under him for a short time, but he was the son of an old friend. When he saw him, he thought of the green age when he was crushed and supported by Osamu Dazai in college.Putting crushing and supporting together is unavoidable, but the students of those generations are indeed shrouded in the shadow of each other, especially the scholars who are determined to do scientific research, how can you bear to have someone with a bad learning attitude around you, Whether it is looking for information, reading, or writing papers, he will always be more efficient, profound, and novel than you (in terms of learning efficiency, knowledge reserve, and essay writing angle), he is the most annoying person in the world. All-rounder, your self-confidence in the professional field has been hit to nothing, he knows everything, and understands it deeper than you.

For a while, Sato's classmate circulated that Osamu Dazai might have the supernatural ability to understand the contents of a book by touching the cover. He used this method to read all the books in the library of Jeondong University. Sato was more confused. He It is rare for someone who doesn't care about being crushed by Dazai's academics, and even admires him, so he drives his thick wine bottle bottom glasses to ask Dazai: "Is it true?"

Dazai froze for a moment and said, "What?"

"You have supernatural powers." Said the stupid bookworm Sato, whom some classmates called him in private at the time, "They said that your great knowledge is related to supernatural powers. Is it true?"

Dazai laughed loudly: "Of course not, why would you have such an idea." He said a very popular sentence, "It's just that I'm smarter than them, that's all."

"Ah, that's it." Sato fully accepted.

Thinking about it now, during the years when Dazai was in full control of the hegemony, it was not without reason that Sato was still able to persist in academics, and took three times longer than Dazai to earn a Ph.D. In the face of real geniuses, no one is worthy of academics. Dr. Sato's smooth sailing on the research journey after graduation may be due to too much tempering in his early years.

Tsushima Shuji-kun is similar to Dazai. Even as Sato's assistant, he alone can handle the workload of a stack of doctoral students. For professors, there is almost no better student candidate than him. In addition, Sato has experienced Osamu Dazai, and has a good acceptance of talents, and has never been jealous of them.

Compared with Tsushima, Katori, who has studied with him for many years, has become even more inconspicuous. Moreover, Sato has his own considerations. Shuji Tsushima looks too young. It is difficult to convince the public if he teaches undergraduate monks. This is also the reason for Katori who has the appearance of an adult.

but……

"Tsushima-kun." He asked casually, "How do you get along with Katori-kun, are you not used to it?"

"It's nothing I'm not used to." His student's voice was soft and slightly chilling, "Senior Katori is very good at taking care of people."

"Really." Sato moved his lips, as if he wanted to say something, but in the end he didn't say anything.

[Restraint a little bit, Tsushima-kun. ]

[Don't break Katori. ]

This is what he wants to express.

……

Katori was tired.

He held a stack of lesson plans in his arms, and walked in the corridor, thinking confusedly while walking, perhaps because of this, he was distracted and ignored the petite woman who was also in the corridor, so the two collided head-on, and the lesson plans were scattered all over the floor.

"Ah."

"Sorry, really sorry."

The person is fine, but the point is that those documents fell from the folder to the ground. Katori hurriedly collected them, and the woman who was bumped by him also helped. The two of them took a while to put away the things, and then bowed and apologized to each other , separated, and when he was walking again, Katori heard the class bell. He cursed secretly twice in his heart, so he could only spread his legs and run at a faster speed, hoping to reach the classroom before the class bell ended.

[Another unfortunate day. ]he thinks.

Stepping into the classroom door, the students were sitting scattered. After seeing him, some students sighed secretly. Their movements were really hidden, but they were caught by the sensitive Katori. He saw some people whispering, and secretly thought to himself Guess what they said.

"Hey, it's Katori again."

"I want to listen to Professor Sato's class, but it's okay to be a little teacher."

"Ha, you just want to see the little teacher."

"Ms. Tsushima is cute, humorous, and knowledgeable. Katori is completely inferior to him. He is like a dry firewood."

"That's right, Katori really doesn't know how to teach."

One day when I was walking in school with a few professional books, I happened to overhear a student’s conversation. Katori’s walking posture was very bad, not straight at all. He often lowered his head and only looked at the ground in front of his feet. His shoulder blades were raised high. His back is leaning forward, and you can understand that he is arched with his chest and epiphysis in his back. As for his hairstyle, he has not taken care of it for many years. The pot head that grows wildly, from a distance, he looks like a gloomy tree with a crooked neck.

Sombre, yet unobtrusive.

[Ha, what you will say today is nothing more than those words. ] While thinking, he told the students angrily, "Today's content is French romantic literature..."

/Katori's voice is like that of a mosquito. /

/His lectures are so boring. /

/ Do your homework. /

/ Another self-study class. /

He watched a student take out a magazine, and Katori's self-esteem was stabbed again. How much he wanted to get off the stage, yell at the student, and tell him that you should pay attention to the class, don't think you are a little smart, have you mastered the basics?After roaring, he grabbed the magazine and threw it out of the window. He could hear the pages of the book flipping in mid-air and made a clattering sound, and when he thought of the students' frightened, cowering, and somewhat afraid expressions on him, Katori felt comfortable all over his body. The air has become fresh.

Click.

The theater of fantasies in his mind came to an abrupt end, reality is still reality, he stood on the podium timidly and followed the scriptures, the students disdain to listen to his lectures, they said that listening to Xiang's lectures is not as good as reading books by themselves, reading books by themselves is not so hypnotic, just start Students swiped their mobile phones, those who read magazines read magazines, and some people turned on their computers and typed. He couldn't see anything with his back to the screen, but he knew that the other party was definitely not taking notes.

/ Mr. Tsushima, no one swipes their mobile phones during class. /

/ No way, Xiuzhi-kun is too cute, it is pleasing to the eye. /

/ He can also quote from the classics. /

/ How many languages ​​do you know, Tsushima-kun, when you told us about Russian literature, you even spoke Russian, which is very interesting. /

/Eight languages. /

／I want to hear Shuzhi-kun speak French. /

There are crackling sounds of pressing keyboards, flipping through magazines, is there any sound when tapping on the screen of the mobile phone?

Some of the above sounds were heard by Katori, and some were not heard by him, but he couldn't help simulating them in his mind, regardless of whether his ears actually caught them, the result was that he heard them all.

The bell rang for the end of get out of class, and the classroom began to be restless again.

Katori felt the unspeakable humiliation, he didn't say anything, but there was a trace of ugliness on his face, and his face was even paler than paper. It's a pity that no one cares about the students below. They are more concerned about when the class will be over. Boring is so boring.

"get out of class is over." He said in a hoarse voice, then packed up the files as quickly as possible, and fled out of the classroom in embarrassment.

"Katori seems a little strange today?" The student finally found out.

"Who knows, maybe he was dumped."

"Hey, nonsense, how can a person like him have a girlfriend."

"Ah, I really want Tsushima-kun to guide my thesis."

"Idiot speaking, Koizumi, Tsushima-kun is only a teenager in his teens."

"But he's really good-looking, and Tsushima-kun is the age of a high school student, and I'm only an office worker, right? I'm willing to study for a doctorate at school even just to see him."

"You might as well go out to work earlier, become a professional woman in the assembly club, and then raise him to do scientific research."

"But isn't he very literary and youthful, that is, the literary youth of the loose generation."

"You mean the kind of squatting at home where you don't have anything to drink?"

"That's right, the temperament cultivated in the powder pile."

"It really is, hehe."

"Women love him."

Did Katori hear these words?Even if you don’t hear it today, you will hear it tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. He has a penchant for masochism. Even if his internal organs are overwhelmed and his internal organs are twisted together disgustingly, he still likes to hide behind the door and listen to people talking about Dazai. The pain of being so insignificant and being humiliated and self-abuse made him almost want to get over it, but he couldn't help it, couldn't help comparing it, couldn't help listening to it.

Katori is a very ordinary person. Ordinary means that his appearance and height are in the middle and lower reaches among men, and his family background is also ordinary. When he was a child, he was bullied by his classmates because he was too thin. No, not only when he was a child, but until high school. He is the target of extortion by bad boys.

If it wasn't for his duty and good grades, he would be almost useless.

Thinking about the highlight moment of his life, it was probably when he was admitted to the University of Tokyo. Even if he did not take the third category of science, he could gain a place in society by relying on the aura of the University of Tokyo. At that time, he thought so, hoping to be able to Enter a large company as a member.

When he was in the third year of university, he entered the company as an intern, but the reality slapped him hard on the face. The so-called high scores and low energy can be said to be people like him, who can’t communicate, can’t hold back alcohol, and are afraid to speak. Shrunken and flustered at work, his colleagues originally looked at him with admiration, but they heard that he graduated from Dongdae University, and called him a dragon and phoenix, and within half a month they looked at him with contempt and made sarcastic remarks." Ah, so the people at Dongda University are unreliable, they are all bookworms.”

What can he do, he almost died of humiliation, buried his head deeply, and apologized, saying "I'm sorry", how much he wanted to be like the young people in the Edo period, high-spirited, humiliated and humiliated back, Ahhh yelled, but he couldn't.Katori thought that he owed his colleagues a lot of favors. The client he offended was his colleagues who wiped his ass, and the unfinished work was distributed to the whole team. Absolutely indispensable, people have to pay back even a glass of five-cent cold water, so that they can say that they owe nothing to others, and in his words, if ice water is considered a kindness, then he owes it and has to spend his whole life to repay it debt of favor.

What qualifications does he have to express his dissatisfaction?

After the internship, he stopped thinking about entering the society and went to study all the way up. Fortunately, the Ph.D. at Dongda University is paid, so he will not become a burden on the family. It’s just that his parents are old and not in good health, so they occasionally call Let him remit the money, and Katori's life will become tight at that time.

But after more than five years of his Ph.D., the school stopped granting him a subsidy. In the seventh year this year, he relied entirely on the support of Professor Sato for his income. The other party applied for some project subsidies for him. Salaries are paid from time to time, and I can barely get by in Tokyo.Professor Sato vaguely reminded him that he is not the type who can do a good job in scientific research. Even if he barely graduates, it is almost impossible to stay in Tokyo University. Regarding this, Katori said that he will work hard, what else can he do?

He stumbled back to the office. The teacher and Dazai were not there, so he might have lost the search for information. He stuffed the book into the drawer and spread it on the table for a long time. After a while, he slowly took the key and opened it. From the locked drawer, take out an old notebook.

On the cover, "Echigo Monogatari" was written in big characters with a black signature pen. This is his novel.

novels he wrote.

In fact, Katori also has a dream. He wanted to become a novelist. He had thought so since childhood. Until he entered high school, he secretly participated in various literary competitions. Unfortunately, the best was the finalist award. He won the newcomer award in one fell swoop, and debuted as a writer. , is never.

[Even so, I still have something I want to do. ] He thought, opened his notebook, and almost became intoxicated in the world of literature. He wrote and wrote, and wrote, and at some point, he suddenly heard footsteps outside the door, and he stuffed the notebook with lightning speed. Go back to the iron drawer and sit upright.

Professor Sato and Tsushima came back, and he heard Professor Sato say to Tsushima: "In this way, Dazai's career as a writer seems to have started in school days, and he was about your age when he wrote his first work. If you want to give it a try, many famous writers started writing and contributing when they were young."

Katori heard Tsushima say again: "Actually, I don't have much interest in writing. Basically, I don't care about writing about it. But since the professor said it, I'll try it." He said Turning around, I saw Katori, and greeted him nonchalantly, "Ah, it's Katori-kun, are you done with the class? You've worked hard."

"Ah, ah." Katori could only control his facial muscles and encourage him to lift up his smiling muscles, but his heart was so cold that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't laugh. In the end, he only formed a picture mixed with laughing and crying. Disgusted expression.

Sato hesitated and said, "Katori, are you feeling unwell? If you really can't, go home and rest."

Katori said in a daze, "Ah, I seem to have a fever, I'm sorry Professor, I'm going back to rest."

Shuji Tsushima kept looking at him coldly, watching Katoro stumble out of the office, he just looked meaningfully at the iron drawer locked by the iron sheet lock before looking away, without saying a word.

……

Tsushima's work won a prize.

After a long time, Katori heard about it from his mouth.

He bought a copy of Tsushima's book.

The name of the book is "My Brother". Frankly speaking, this is an unremarkable name. You can see that the name is warm at best. If you don't know Shuji Tsushima, you may have to outline it in your mind before you open the book. A warm picture of family harmony.

Katori didn't think so, his hands trembled for a long time, starting to tremble since he was close to the book, and he could hardly turn the book.

Thinking about it carefully, Shuji Tsushima didn't do anything to him, he just finished college geniusly, hit himself inadvertently, what else, nothing.But he is really jealous of Shuji Tsushima, no, not only jealousy, but also fear of his talent, Katori always feels that this child has an inhuman demon, if you keep staring at him, you will be pulled into it abyss.

/ Ha, are you talking about horror novels, how could it be possible. /

/It must be too much pressure, I know, I know, working with that kind of academic monster, even I can't stand it. /

He finally opened the book.

[I have an older brother, to be more precise, it should be that I once had an older brother.

My elder brother died when I was about five or six years old. I can’t remember the cause of death clearly. I heard from others that my elder brother drowned in the lake. He saw a child fall into the lake on the way to school, so he jumped into it. Saving people, the child survived, but he died.

I don’t remember that incident, children’s memories are always very vague, especially when I had a serious illness that year, pneumonia caused by a cold, high fever, and my mother was crying beside my mattress (it was also told by others mine), and my father even visited the town cemetery.

Fortunately, I was lucky and survived.

But even though my brother died very early, I have left a deep impression on him. In my memory, the jigsaw puzzle belonging to my brother is much more vivid than that of my father and mother. I can’t really remember the relationship between my father and mother. Face, I have been living in boarding school since elementary school, and I only heard about where my mother went to recuperate when I came back from vacation (she was not in good health), and my father was busy with work, but my brother's face is still remembered until now.

I don't know if it was my illusion, but when I visited my mother occasionally, she looked at me with sad eyes. I asked my mother what happened, and she said it was nothing.

As far as I can remember, my mother never hugged me.

The memory of my mother is relatively short, she died soon, and she didn't even see me go to junior high school. ]

Then I spent some time describing my father. He is a very serious person. You almost never see him satisfied with anything. He is also very harsh to me in the article. It's good to be here."

[I can actually understand my father. Compared with brother Ritsuya, I am not an excellent heir. I am weak and my grades are average. My brother was the first in the school year and the leader of the football club. He is also proficient in playing the violin. people. ]

In the eyes of "I", my elder brother is not only perfect, but also very gentle. The enlightenment of "I" is carried out by my elder brother. He taught "I" Katakana and Hiragana, and talked about myths and legends with "I" in his arms. Talking about interesting things in life, thanks to him, although "I" spent most of my childhood in the ward, I didn't feel lonely at all, because my brother came to accompany "I" whenever he had time, "I" I remember that other children in the same hospital liked my brother very much, so I had the only capital to show off.

[For a long time, I only had an older brother. ]

[But somehow, I don't have the impression that I shed a tear for him. After my brother died, I didn't shed a single tear. ]

After entering elementary school, the protagonist’s situation is not very good. His health has improved, but he is still not as healthy as his peers. His color is probably very good. The girls in the class like him very much, and they rush to have sex with him At the same table, and the male students in the class hated the protagonist even more, and carried out a series of bullying activities against him.

At the worst time, he was blocked in the toilet by a group of people, who pressed his head into the toilet.

[I hated them and was afraid of them. During that year, I wrote in my notebook every day, hoping that xxx would die suddenly, so that I could escape from the inhuman torture. ]

[Maybe due to too much mental pressure, from a certain day, I can suddenly hear "his" voice.

At the beginning, it was only intermittent, such as "be patient" and "be strong", but gradually I could hear more content, and the information in the language was very effective.

"If you don't want to be bullied, you just want to become stronger. It's not advisable to be patient with such beastly people like them. You have to take revenge on them and make them afraid." The speaker's voice was too gentle At that time, I wanted to kill xxx, not to mention revenge, I even wanted to push them off the pond, but I didn't have a good idea, so I asked him what to do. ]

Under the guidance of the mysterious voice, "I" did something. In the autumn of the same year, the school expelled several students involved in social violence. The enemy of "I" never appeared in the school again. "I" felt the long-lost happiness.

[Later I heard that the same thing happened in the school when my brother was in school. It seems that there was a scandal. I don’t know if it was a student, but some teachers were also fired. I don’t know why I care about the content of the scandal. I tried my best to inquire, but the teachers who knew the inside story refused to say anything, they just vaguely said that he was "a disgrace to the teaching profession". ]

After "I" was not bullied, the mysterious voice still did not disappear, on the contrary he appeared more and more frequently, "I" was not afraid, even if I knew that auditory hallucinations were proof of mental illness, I was not afraid at all, as I said earlier , "I" is a bit withdrawn, so I have never had many friends, loneliness is inevitable, but after I have him, it is different, "I" is a person with friends, not only friends, but also people to accompany "I" Learning, guiding "I", "I"'s grades are getting better and better.

[He taught me how to get along with people. After trying it out for a period of time, even people of the same gender, let alone a teacher, like me. Minako secretly told me that the senior will introduce me to the student union soon. If I work hard for two years, I should be able to I can become the student council president. ]

[I went home the day before yesterday and saw my father after a long absence. He was shocked when he saw me writing a letter and said that my handwriting was exactly the same as that of Li...]

[I can't imagine my life without "him", without him, I would be useless...]

[I had a dream. I dreamed about things from my childhood. Is it really my childhood? Actually, I don’t have any memory of it happening. I just remember being stuck in the water, struggling constantly, but my feet were hooked by water plants. I stopped, I couldn't float up no matter what, I don't know when, maybe when I was about to die, I fell into a cold embrace, and then I woke up from the dream. ]

Katori turned the book to the last page.

[March 2020, 4

Suddenly remembered, "his" voice was exactly the same as Ritsuya's brother. ]

The next day, Katori submitted an application for withdrawal from the University of Tokyo. The upper limit for a doctorate is eight years, and he has already been in seven years. Sato previously thought that he might not be able to successfully obtain a doctorate.

But he was still worried about Katori, because when he left, his face was paler than a dead man.

He watched as Katori took out the battered notebook from the drawer and tore it up.

"Dr. Katori has dropped out of school." After returning to the office, he said to Shuji Tsushima.

Shuji Tsushima looked at the snowflakes floating outside the window, and responded, "What a pity."

"Yes." Sato sighed, "But he is not an academic material. Katori's hard work is hard work, but he lacks talent." He suddenly thought of the recent best-selling works and asked, "What do you plan to write in the next work?" , I knew you were really talented in writing."

"No, I'm not going to write." Shuji Tsushima said wearily, "I don't have any talent for writing."

[A truly gifted person is one who can make up stories out of thin air. ]

[And I just draw materials from life. ]

He looked at the weather outside and thought: [Winter is really cold, when will spring come. ]