disqualified hero

"Bitter Summer"

The day Shuji Tsushima was discharged from the hospital happened to be the day when the Edogawa Fireworks Festival was held.

His injuries were not serious at all, a slight concussion, and other flesh injuries, but he spent a few weeks in the hospital abruptly.The reasons are complicated. At the beginning, the Supernatural Secret Service Division and Natsume Soseki had not given up, and sent a boat to salvage the supernatural beings to search.Their thoughts were similar: [That’s Osamu Dazai, how could he die here, he must have escaped by some means, right? ]

The search persisted until the last search and rescue ship evacuated. The dignitaries, famous families, and tycoons really complied with the saying "everyone is equal in the face of death". No matter how much effort was spent, only a very small number of them were rescued. Among the [-] guests, there are only ten figures left, most of whom are missing. The meaning of missing is not "there is still room for survival" but "not even the body can be found".

"I can only give up." Taneda Santou said to Natsume Soseki, they were old acquaintances.

Natsume Soseki nodded sadly. After only a few days, he has aged a lot.

"What about that child?" Zhongtian thought: [Dazai-kun is different from the young spy who lives alone. He has a family and a family, and it is not an exaggeration to say that he has an inheritance. ] How to dispose of heritage has become an important issue.

Natsume Soseki was silent for a while and said: "I originally thought that with his personality, he would never leave a suicide note." He said, "There is a tradition of joining the Supernatural Secret Service Division. Write a suicide note while joining the organization."

"Hey." Zhongtian nodded, "The information is submitted uniformly, and the suicide note is stored in the envelope in the most traditional form. Normally, we will keep it confidential for our colleagues."

"Do you still have a sense of secrecy?" Natsume Soseki was mocking the Supernatural Secret Service's style of "there are no secrets in the world". They have done too many human rights violations such as monitoring and tracking.

In response to his fire-breathing inquiry, Zhong Tian said: "I can still guarantee this right."

Natsume Soseki was silent for a while: "Sorry." He stretched out his hand to cover half of his face, or one eye, "I... am not in a good mood, and I vented to you, sorry." When he finished these two sentences In the end, he was like a deflated ball, and his head was deeply bent, and his waist was arched like a bridge.

Reflected in the sunlight, his shadow was short and stooped.

Zhongtian Shantouhuo didn't look at him, turned his head, the sea was on the right side, the summer breeze was blowing, there were two or three sailors shouting on the pier, and seagulls were circling at low altitude, swooping down to prey from time to time and caught a fish or two from the sea.Looking at this peaceful scene, who would have imagined that the sea was shrouded in flames ten days ago, and there were charred corpses floating on the sea?

[Life is precious. ] He thought about the more ancient and unchanging truth, and almost felt a little sad, [Every time, every time, he will only feel emotion after losing it. ]

The two of them were unmarried all their lives, and they dedicated their lives to the country and ideals. In the end, they were lost all their lives. Maybe it was fate.

……

/ Teacher please take over my guardianship. As for Mr. Xiuzhi's life, you don't have to worry about it. Just do whatever you want.

This is my lifelong request, please, teacher. /

"A lifelong request?" Natsume Soseki knew Osamu Dazai, who rarely asked for help from others, so he rarely even said "thank you" or "sorry". Dazai is smart, genius, and omnipotent Yes, everyone thinks that.

Even Natsume Soseki, seeing his stature getting taller and more adult-like, would inevitably forget what Osamu Dazai looked like when he was a child.

He clenched the note left by the student tightly, and his mouth was full of bitterness, which was different from the bitterness of tea leaves. After one sip, let alone the sweetness, savoring it carefully made him feel more and more sad.

[It's the taste of bitter summer. ]

……

"How is it, Shuji-kun." Natsume Soseki sat on the small chair beside the hospital bed. He rarely took off his bowler hat. His high-spirited beard might have sensed his master's emotions, and it drooped obediently. He looked at Jin Half of Shima Shuji's face was uneasy and at the same time a little dazed, it was too similar, it was too similar.

There is no difference with Osamu Dazai, it is almost like a person.

It was the first time I saw Dazai, and he was the same size. A ten-year-old boy was taller than his peers, but he was still small for an adult. He was wearing a black jacket with a well-fitting shirt, and he was holding a canvas bag in his arms. full of books.

"Why don't you carry your schoolbag on your back?" he remembers asking himself.

"The strap of the schoolbag was cut off." The child responded with a smile.

[Been bullied? ] Natsume Soseki can only think.

The child explained slowly: "The weak are all the same. Even though they have a strong body, their brains are not very good. They know that they can't compare with me in terms of resourcefulness, and their hard fists will not fall on me, so they came up with this idea. This kind of dirty trick, once discovered, immediately scurry away to prevent me from catching the culprit, but I still do it even if I am timid, trembling for fear of revenge falling on me, and at the same time wanting to be quick for the time being." He sighed long , in the eyes of Natsume Soseki, funny and cute, "It's really troublesome."

"How did you do it?" Because he was too curious about Dazai's handling, Natsume Soseki simply bent down and chatted with him.

"What else can I do?" Osamu Dazai said, "One person is locked in the cubicle of the women's toilet, one is locked in the abandoned music classroom, one is locked in the sports equipment storage room, and the last one is being punished in the classroom office. stand."

"A naughty child can only be retaliated by brutal means."

"Excuse me." After he finished speaking, he pretended to bow, "There is still an exam next."

Natsume Soseki remembered that today was the day when Tokyo University opened the entrance examination for the juvenile class.

"I was Dazai-kun's teacher in college, and to be precise, I was his mentor in his monk and doctoral days." He said to Shuji Tsushima, "According to Dazai-kun's will, after his death, I will be your new guardian. "Natsume Soseki is a eloquent person, you rarely hear such dry and unmodified words from his mouth, "How about it, Shuzhi-kun, do you want to move in and live with me, or..."

The child smiled abruptly, and the breath sound almost "heh" echoed in the room. After hearing this, Natsume Soseki didn't know what he was thinking, and bowed his head in silence.

"I see, even you all sentenced him to death?" Shuji Tsushima said, "Oh, it seems that Mr. Dazai is really hopeless."

Natsume Soseki has had a lot of exchanges with Dazai Osamu in recent years, but it is a pity that their communications are always talking about national affairs. In a broad sense, a country has a country but no family. Knowing that the most valued student has adopted the child of the family, but he doesn't even know that he refuses to call adults "Mr. Dazai", even if Shuzhi-kun said "Mr. Dazai", he can't hear anything wrong.

Natsume Soseki didn't want to say and couldn't say "please condolences" and "I'm sorry". He was never married and had no children. He only regarded these students as half children. Among the students, Dazai was undoubtedly the special one. Treat them like parents and children.

He picked up Osamu Dazai, who was in his teens, like a lonely wild dog from the street. In the following years, the child grew up between his study and classroom.

I felt the pain on my skin, so I couldn't speak cold words. He lost most of his son, and Shuji Tsushima lost most of his father, so who can comfort the other.

"I see." Tsujima Shuji said, "In this case, I will live alone. Mr. Dazai should explain what he said? For example, if he said 'I can manage my life alone', he probably wouldn't want to give it to me. Find a caretaker." Before boarding the ghost ship, Shuji Tsushima definitely didn't see it that way, but after getting off the ship, even though he lacked precise memory, the emotional fluctuations at that time were retained.

"Yes."

"Then please let me live alone." He curled up under the quilt, assuming a gesture of seeing off the guests.

Natsume Soseki left.

Shuji Tsushima got up from the bed.

He climbed out of bed and opened the window.

It is already very hot in Yokohama in August. The temperature at noon is as high as 36 degrees Celsius. The hot air outside the window is lingering with the smell of the sea, so the summer here is not only hot but also humid. He thinks he is soaking in a seawater tank. , Someone added firewood to the bottom of the bowl for the fire.The water temperature kept rising and rising, reaching the zero point of boiling, and the fluffy black hair was wetted by sweat, forming strands and sticking to his forehead, occasionally a few drops of sweat could be seen running down Sliding down the smooth face line, submerged in the spacious collar.

[So hot. ]

Thinking of the burning sensation when life and death were on the line, when did I experience it, when the ship exploded, in the sea of ​​flames.

[It's so hot. ]

He covered his shoulders, in the sea of ​​flames, it is impossible not to be injured, the difference is only the degree of severity, there is a burn on his left shoulder, it is not very serious, but the pain attached to the burn is like moist heat, wrapping around his body.

Summer is really not a suitable season for injuries. The hot weather leads to a higher incidence of infections than other seasons. For the injured, it is many times more difficult to repair the pain.

What a bitter summer.

His breathing is not smooth, is it because the air outside is hot and humid, or because of what Natsume Soseki said just now?In short, Tsushima Shuji-kun's back is very straight, too straight, he is like a string stretched to the extreme, and it will break at any time.

"Wow--" He suddenly picked up the water glass on the bedside table, spilled the cold water all over the floor, raised his right hand high, and threw it towards the wall with the greatest strength he could.

"Crack-"

The cup was shattered, shattered to pieces, and its shards splashed everywhere, but Shuji Tsushima was not hurt. The child as thin as a bamboo pole covered his face and knelt on the ground.

Oda Sakunosuke heard a whine, not a whine with crying, but a cry from the depths of the soul of a ferocious carnivore when he lost his parents who sheltered him when he was a child.

He put away the two tickets for the firework festival, turned around, and left the door.

Earlier when he was talking to himself about the summer fireworks, Tsushima Shuji tilted his head pretending not to be interested, but Oda Sakunosuke used his killer's keen detection ability to find something wrong with the other party's mood, so he paid some money to leave him. I received tickets for the viewing seats online, and I am going to take him out to have a look.

[Now it seems that it is not a good time. ]

He stopped, looked out the window at the water vapor melted by the sun, and listened to the humming of cicadas.

[This summer is really too sad. ]

.

"cold autumn"

"Please keep it." The beauty in the suit handed the admission card to Oda Sakunosuke, who bowed to thank him and took it with both hands. The card was hard and had the name of the University of Tokyo written on its head. His slightly dull photo was reflected on the On the left side of the campus card, personal information is written on the right side.

Oda Sakunosuke has no education background, even if you hack into the Ministry of Culture system to check the names of the students who received compulsory education, you will not have his information, from kindergarten to elementary school to junior high school to high school, there is nothing.

The popularization of education in this world is like that. There are many people who do not go to school. They are lucky and have received a complete education from another system. They will not become illiterate, and they are even more knowledgeable than their peers.

After last summer, Sakunosuke Oda, who was still on the rise, retired bravely in the killer world. His former teacher asked him why he "washed his hands in the golden basin", and he replied, "I just don't want to do it."

The teacher asked, "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." He said, "Maybe he wants to be a novelist, so let's do some work-study before doing some preparation."

Novelist, this irrelevant profession made the teacher dumbfounded. He thought about it, looked up and down Oda's face, and felt that he was still a piece of wood, but at a certain moment, he found life in his face. popularity.

"Tell the truth." The teacher frowned and said, "I want to know the real reason."

"That's the truth," he said. "At best, add one more thing. I don't want to kill any more."

"What?" The teacher never expected that Sakunosuke Oda would say that he didn't want to kill people. He said in private that the horror of Oda lies in his excessive tolerance and acceptance of abnormalities. In his eyes, killing a person is the same as smashing beautiful ceramics. Cups are sins of the same order.

It's unbelievable for such a person to say "I don't want to continue killing people".

[Maybe I met something. ] The teacher thought, [Is it because someone important has passed away? I can understand it. After experiencing the pain of death, even that Oda can't engage in the killer business without a heart. ]

"Just think about it clearly," he said. "However, our work is too secretive. It's not enough to just talk about quitting. The follow-up finishing work is very complicated. Try to wash your identity as white as possible, Oda."

"Yes, I understand."

"Have you figured out where to live?"

"Yokohama."

"Yokohama, it's really a good place for us." There are mixed fish and dragons.

The finishing work was carried out intermittently for a year. During this period, Oda Sakunosuke went to Tokyo University to attend several lectures. He became more familiar with Natsume Soseki. The other party heard that he was going to give up his current job and move to Yokohama, and his eyes were very complicated.

"Why Yokohama?" he asked.

"Because I made an appointment with my friend to meet in Yokohama." Oda Sakunosuke said, "I want to live closer to Yokohama Port, and I go for a walk to the port every day, maybe I can see him someday .”

He did exactly as he said, every day, he walked around the port pier, watching the ships of all sizes, and those who were in charge of the ships were familiar with him, and occasionally he would invite Sakunosuke Oda to drink beer.

Natsume Soseki could say nothing but sigh.

"I'm going to resign from the university." After finishing a comparative literature class, he said to Sakunosuke Oda suddenly, "Since you often go to Tokyo University, how about I help you get a permit, no matter where you go in the future You can listen to the teacher's class at will, and maybe you will be lucky enough to be favored by the teacher and lead you to do research."

"Thank you very much." He said, "But the research is still forgot. I just want to learn more about literature and accumulate more knowledge. Rather than deeply exploring the wisdom of the predecessors, I want to write something of my own."

"Okay, okay." Natsume Soseki smiled and didn't force it, "Speaking of which, Shuji-kun has also moved to Yokohama, and he will be a student of Toyo University from next semester." He said, "How much do you want?" Take care of him, please." At the same time, he bent down deeply.

Oda Sakunosuke said, "I will."

……

[For a long time, I didn't know what I was going to do. ] Shuji Tsushima lay on the floor with his head up.

The house in Yokohama was not bought by him, but by Osamu Dazai. That man has three caves and has lairs in many places. Shuji Tsushima inherited all his inheritance. Only then did he know that the wealth accumulated by his little uncle alone is no more than The Tsushima family has been running a small business for many years.

If the protagonist who owns wealth becomes Osamu Dazai, it would be perfectly normal. Shuji Tsushima rolled his eyes. This picture is very strange. You can see that his body is not moving, and he is lying on the ground, as if his hair is not up. The only moving doll is the eyeballs, which look like glass beads, which is really scary.

[Knowledge is power, Mr. Dazai's brain is a treasure house. ] He suddenly realized that the person who taught him that "knowledge can be transformed into wealth" and didn't care about money at the same time had left for a year.

[What have I been doing for the past year? ] Tsujima Shuji recalled, and finally found out with difficulty that he had nothing to do, did nothing, and lay empty on the ground every day, fighting against some wonderful illusions. If there is any achievement, he chose to write a diary out of extreme boredom To resolve emotions, I have now memorized a thick book.

He was drowsy all day long, doing whatever he thought of, and looking through the records from a year ago when he thought of the diary.

/07/09/01

clear

In order to celebrate my return to freedom, I started to write this diary. I don’t know how long I can last. According to my temperament, I can last for two weeks. I decided to record my mood and important things every day. When I think of this blank day, I can look back.

... /

/07/09/18

(I.e.

The symptoms of auditory hallucinations and nightmares are getting more and more serious. When I was eating at noon, I heard someone whispering in my ear, asking me to pursue freedom. [-]rd mug fatal this month, much better than last month, but I still can't get my brain out of my head.

His wandering spirit has been entangled with me, and I can't get rid of it. I often sneer and think, if he knows my current situation, he should show a satisfied smile. I don't know what happened on the ghost ship. There is always a gap in memory. It's wonderful. What's more, the desire to destroy in my heart was wonderfully restrained, what did he do?

If you want me to be free, don't let me hear your voice.

ps: Balzac also finished reading today, what to read tomorrow. /

/07/10/11

clear

The Chief Farmer visited today and said that I look more and more like him. I said in a seemingly humble tone: "Oh, you have praised me. How could I be like him? From the point of view of consciousness, I even have a part of him. No little finger can compare."

I can't forget his expression at that time, if he left immediately, I would laugh out loud, until my stomach hurts and my qi twitches in my dantian.

Mr. Dazai is different from me in life. He vaguely remembers that we stood together in the past and spoke in a completely different tone. He was cynical and liked to pinch his nose when he spoke. I once asked him if he would sing Awa dance while beating time at the shrine. The tactful tone seemed to be practiced in singing, and he accepted all my taunts, touched my head and said, if you want to see the temple fair, take me with you.

What I was like at that time, cold, like a wooden man, and I spoke with a strange ambiguity, it is the same now, but there is an outlet for the weird direction, even Natsume-sensei, he didn’t say it, but I understand, he saw It's not me, but the people behind me.

Oops, when did I like to say "oops" and when did I start to look more and more like him, I can't tell, but the thought of some people being sad by it and others being dumbfounded by it makes me happy stand up.

So I heard his voice again, he seemed a little sad, and said "Don't do this, Xiuzhi-kun" in my ear in a rare, non-smiling way.

I couldn't help thinking viciously: Who caused me to become like this? If you really want me to be better, don't pester me anymore. Rest in peace, you ghost. /

/08/04/21

clear

……

I knew you were dead a long time ago. What is the voice in my ear? I imagined it. /

His fingers pinched the paper dated April 4, and he froze.

Of course there is also content in the back, Shuji Tsushima can recite it, he has a good memory, and if he wants to, he can even copy the content of the text recorded every day verbatim, but the words can be written, and the mood at that time has long been forgotten .

In most cases, he does not talk about Osamu Dazai in his diary, but writes "I read xxx today, and I don't know what to say." "If I were the author of this book, I would probably be ashamed and speechless." The courage to live in this world is really too brave," or something like that.

You see, he shut himself in the room, with only books for company, and if he didn't even read books, he would be too lonely.

The above are the thoughts of Tanada and others who come to visit from time to time.

Only Shuji Tsushima knew that he was not lonely at all, even annoying.

At some point, he began to hear the voice of ghosts. Shuji Tsushima knew better than anyone that ghosts were not the product of supernatural powers, nor were they a symbol of Dazai's existence. He was just too... well, nothing, he Unable to control his mind, unable to control the flow of dopamine, he created a virtual Dazai.

He'd say, "You can't eat canned crabmeat at every meal."

"Aren't you going out for a walk?"

"Oh, the red leaves in Kyoto are blooming, even if it is to enjoy the leaves, you have to live until autumn."

Unknown meaning Unclear meaning Unclear meaning Unclear meaning Unclear...

Shuji Tsushima covered his ears with his hands, the voice of Osamu Dazai, the various words he said, the fragments of his existence, his every frown and smile, the way he sat at the table and flipped the pages of the book, he was disappointed The look in his eyes, the tone of his voice when he said "monster"...he he he he he he he he he he he he...

He was all on his mind.

"Live freely, Mr. Xiuzhi, without being disturbed by anyone, like a bird soaring in the clear sky, the sky is high and the sea is wide, thousands of mountains and rivers, let you roam."

[Do not make jokes. ] He rolled himself into a ball, and the deep malice in his mind was almost overflowing, [As long as you are here, I will never be free. ]

[Don't you know that I have your brand on me? ]

It is autumn now, the heating is not turned on in the house, Shuji Tsushima's limbs and bones are cool.

……

/08/09/10

clear

I decided to start self-medicating.

I have read some books on mental illness intermittently since August, and I have known for a long time that auditory hallucinations, as a common symptom, often appear in clinical practice. It was just that I didn’t want to see myself as a patient before, so I didn’t admit it all the time.

Now I have figured it out and realized that it is not a good behavior to avoid disease and avoid medical treatment. I made up my mind to find out the ghost who was whispering in my ear, and I wanted to kill him to restore my life to clarity. Otherwise, how can I talk about it Freedom, I am afraid that even a normal life cannot be maintained.

The topic is far away. Although I understand that I have a disease, I don’t trust doctors. The latest physical examination report this year is normal, so the possibility of pathological auditory hallucinations can be ruled out. As for psychological diseases, the usual treatment is to talk to a psychiatrist The unsatisfactory part of your life, resolve your emotions.

Oh, people like me should not harm them. I don’t really believe that you say that psychiatrists understand people’s hearts better than I do. In addition, they need to consider their mental state. I read American cartoons, crazy people with high IQs Often they will not be influenced, but will have a negative influence, causing others to fall into mental chaos. I don't think I want to create more lunatics, so forget it.

According to the book, the cause of auditory hallucinations must be eliminated. I don’t know what the cause is, but it is related to Osamu Dazai. In order to heal myself well and eliminate his influence on me, the most urgent thing is to understand Dazai better. To govern this person, Sun Tzu's saying "Know yourself and the enemy and you will never be imperiled in a hundred battles" can be used here.

So I decided to follow the life trajectory of Dazai Osamu. The first point is the University of Tokyo. I hope that after completing the journey of tracing, I can find a way to kill ghosts.

ps: It's really cold this autumn. /