disqualified hero

Tandan Shantouhuo sighed and asked, "How is it? Did you find it?" Everyone knew what he was asking, and no one could give an accurate answer.

"No, not yet." Sakaguchi Ango replied cautiously.

A week has passed since the ghost ship bombing incident. On July 7th, when the flames illuminated Yokohama Harbor, no one will forget the magnificent scene. First, the white dragon was flying in the sky. No, the flying is not very specific, it just opened Wings made a piercing whine. At that time, the Supernatural Secret Service Division almost adjusted the alert level of Yokohama Port to the highest level. No one knew how much damage he would cause to the local area due to the giant imaginary alien ability.

Fortunately, the dragon disappeared before leaving the ship, and everyone in the Supernatural Secret Service Division breathed a sigh of relief. People who knew Dazai thought: [Did he release the beast? Did he solve it? ]

When I thought about it, I felt a little dissatisfied: [Such a big thing happened, and we were not notified. ]

By typing Morse code with his heartbeat, Osamu Dazai conveyed a lot of information. At first, when people heard that he could control the beating frequency of the heart, they were all terrified by Osamu Dazai's "excessive excellence", even the young genius Ango Sakaguchi I thought [Is this still a human, is it a monster], but after getting used to it, I can say things like "As expected of Mr. Dazai" and "The person recommended by Mr. Taneda is definitely right" when chatting.

Only a small part of the information he sent was related to the ghost ship, and more about who appeared on the ship and what items they got in the auction. Of course, the auction process is confidential, but don't underestimate Dazai's observation ability. The list of the Supernatural Secret Service Division has a long list of contents, including the names of the characters and the corresponding items, and even the design drawings of weapons bought by military representatives from other countries.

It's a pity that after the 28th, there was less and less information, and some of them just said vaguely that "there was an armed fight on the ship". People think that Dazai-kun is passive and sabotage, and he is a little bit dissatisfied.Ango Sakaguchi felt that something was wrong at the time, and he thought to himself: [Did something abnormal happen? ] Then I thought in my heart: [How is it possible, the ghost ship should have been in operation for many years, otherwise it would not be known to everyone. ]

If you think about it, you may find that there is no record of ghost ships in the past, but the ability of the book is very powerful, and it may make him "because it is a secret, so it can only be passed on by word of mouth". Blur the events.

Getting back to the topic, no matter what you thought about Osamu Dazai before, whether it was the awe of his inhumanity or the disapproval of his suspected passive sabotage in the later stage, when the ship exploded, all the people involved in this matter would be brainless. It was blank, especially when they found that the survivors were not Dazai, they didn't know what to say.

"How is it possible?" Ango Sakaguchi was the first one who refused to agree. In fact, he had never communicated with Dazai, he had only seen his information and photos. Way, he looked at the cases that Dazai had been in charge of, his ingenious reasoning, and his control over people's hearts (or manipulation), all made him amazed.

He said old-fashionedly: "A genius like him will not die on the water." Ango Sakaguchi was young, but he had handled a lot of confidential information, "Is there any news about Morse code?"

"No," said the interpreter. "Actually, a few seconds after the explosion, there was no more communication."

The time of death is thus determined.

"All those involved survived." Ango Sakaguchi was still distinguishing, "The child named Shuji Tsushima, the senior of the university Mori Ogai..."

Another person participated in the conversation: "It is precisely because Shuji Tsushima survived that he did not survive."

"How to say?"

"The witness said." He picked up a report, "He was thrown from the boat with precision, and he was caught by the rescuers under the boat. The rescuers had good or bad luck and dislocated one arm. Good man, he even sent the child to the hospital for treatment." He said, "From the time records, the boat exploded a few seconds after sending the child away, maybe he didn't jump to save people."

"..."

The Chief Farmer finally spoke, and he took a deep breath first: "Mr. Dazai loves him very much."

Ango Sakaguchi stopped talking, he guessed what the officer was going to say next.

"A father's love is like this. Some people can give up even the greatest interests in front of their children. Between their own life and the life of their children, they will choose their children without hesitation. Mr. Dazai is very smart, so smart that he is inhuman But in this respect, he is the same as all fathers in the world."

"What about the child, continue to monitor?"

"Judging from the current intelligence, the surveillance target Shuji Tsushima is talented and intelligent, and he is likely to be as talented as the commander. If he is guided by it, he can become the next generation commander-in-chief."

Zhongtian Shantouhuo shook his head and said, "Let's include it in the guardian plan."

"Dazai-kun told me before that he hopes that the child can grow up healthy and daily." It is hard to say whether it will be achieved. Danger attracts danger, and abnormality attracts abnormality. It is really rare for him to ask for anything, so Santou Taneda agreed at the time up.

[The will of colleagues must be obeyed. ]

he thinks.

……

Shuji Tsushima is in the hospital.

He sat on the hospital bed and looked indifferently at the magnolia flowers outside the window. His ward was arranged on the first floor, and outside was a small garden for patients to take a walk. Except for the upper floors looking at the blue sky, this room has the best scenery and the best ecology. , but when you look at his expression, you think that a child has a terminal illness at a young age, and at the same time he is a kid who knows everything, so he is so melancholy.

When Oda Sakunosuke opened the door and came in, he saw half of the back of Shuji Tsushima's head. He was holding a fruit basket in his left hand, but his right hand was empty. The dislocation will heal itself, but you should avoid exerting yourself during this period.

He put the fruit basket on the cabinet, and sat on the accompanying chair beside the bed. Oda Sakunosuke came here for several days, and met three people in total, a bald old man, and a doctor in a white coat (he almost He thought it was the ward round doctor of the hospital), the doctor brought a kid with orange hair, he guessed that the kid surnamed Tsushima was his friend.

Said that the surname is Tsushima, because he has not heard the child's complete full name yet, and he is unwilling to tell himself.

A dull conversation begins.

"Are you feeling better?" he asked.

"..."

"The attending doctor said you are recovering well."

"..."

"The weather outside is fine, do you want me to push you out to see the flowers?"

"..."

"Does your head still hurt? A concussion feels bad."

The words were dry, and even the words of concern were said insipidly. Oda Sakunosuke knew very well that he was a boring person, so that what he said was boring.

"You're so annoying." Tsushima spoke, but he didn't have any good words. He turned his head slightly, and Oda only saw his tall nose bridge. To a child, his facial features are well-defined, and there is no fat on his cheeks. Time will decide Can become a beautiful man who fascinates women, "Don't you have anything else to do? I come here every day, my relationship with you is just a chance encounter, if you need a thank you fee, it's not that I didn't give you, it's because you refused to take it. He said, "The cost of the fruit basket you brought already exceeds the thank you fee."

Fruits in Japan are very expensive, especially domestic fruits. Even if you visit a doctor at most, you can only bring a honeydew melon. Oda is really generous.

He nodded and said frankly: "Well, that's right, I'm fine." He said, "I came to Tokyo to visit friends, and it's been a few days since the date we agreed to meet, but I haven't seen anyone yet. I have booked accommodation here for a whole month, and I can only wander around without doing anything if I don't see any friends, so I came to see you."

"Visiting a friend." Shuji Tsushima said, "Call him."

"There's no way of connecting," he said. "We're pen pals."

"Ah." Tsushima said, "It's because he doesn't want to see you anymore."

"I think so too." Oda Sakunosuke still said after seeing the explosion of a ship in Yokohama Port at the suspiciously appointed time, "Mr. D is a casual person, not to mention that the meeting was originally my unilateral invitation, and he has never wanted to see me. , it is understandable to suddenly refuse."

Because the interlocutor didn’t want to speak, and in order to keep the room from being silent, Oda could only keep on saying, “I’m going to attend lectures at the University of Tokyo in a few days, and I met a professor at the University of Tokyo some time ago, and he told me something. I'm going back to school to teach after I've dealt with it, and I want to listen to it."

"He said that he teaches literature, and is also in charge of Japanese literature, comparative literature, and grammar collaborations. He is the professor who submitted his doctoral dissertation, and his classes are well received."

Mr. D also told him the little story about the doctoral dissertation in Japan. To be precise, most of the interesting things that Oda has heard come from the other party. Someone with a sense of humor too.

[I heard a little story, which is rare in these years. Only old-school professors will maintain this habit. Doctoral dissertations should be submitted after completing their courses, but researchers who have high demands on themselves will wait until they are famous. , Write a thesis that I am most satisfied with as a doctoral dissertation. Before that, the graduation thesis was vacant. ]

He said that the doctor’s job is to compare with writers. It’s impossible for writers to do that. They have to write whatever comes to mind, and they have to hone their writing skills day after day. They don’t let the bad works they think come out, and they will miss a good time.

"I submitted the thesis." Tsushima also responded, "I'm very confident in the academic field."

"You've also heard the tradition of the thesis."

"Ah." Tsushima said, "a talkative person said it when he was chattering." He murmured, "he was too noisy, even if I didn't want to hear it, he kept talking about boring things, and at the end there were some It's really annoying to get into your ears by yourself."

At the same time, he also clearly realized:

[No one will talk to me about those things anymore. ]

……

Oda Sakunosuke felt very heavy after he came out of the hospital, and he didn't know why he was heavy. In various senses, he was a person with relatively low empathy ability, and he could be called slow.

Emotional abnormalities can be experienced in all aspects, such as being a killer. He can actually change jobs. Back then, not many children did this. Most of them died directly, and some were due to family or mental illness. Relationships exited the industry.

As long as it is a teacher who has trained him, he will give a similar evaluation.

"Oda, you are born to be a killer."

"Even if I die, you can survive."

Oda was puzzled and said: "Ah, is that right? I don't think I have much talent. Mr. C next door can familiarize himself with the structure of firearms after a few hours. Whether he has seen it or not, compared with him, I am The most mediocre of people."

"You are too self-deprecating." The teacher shook his head, "He just happens to be the easiest to die."

"why?"

"He thinks he's a genius, right?" The teacher said contemptuously, "He's smart, that's right, he's just a little smart. He thinks too much of himself, which makes him prone to brain fever, taking on tasks that he can't complete, and being careless— —”

"He will die early."

The teacher's words are really forward-looking. Three years after graduation, he heard the news of Mr. C's death from other friends. He was the one with the best grades back then, but died very early.

"Oda, you are different." The teacher said, "You are very calm, with little emotional fluctuations, you can be calm all the time, you will not be dazzled by adrenaline, think before doing things, don't get excited, you can Live a long time," he said, "maybe live long enough to retire."

[How did I answer back then? ]

"Retire after success?" Oda said confusedly, "No, forget it."

"You don't want to save money to go home and get married?"

"In that case, I have to find a new job, right." Oda said, "It's really too troublesome. If I don't want to be a killer, I don't know what I should do. If I really had to choose, I should be a killer for the rest of my life." , and finally die of old age at work."

"Huh," said the teacher, "you're such a bore." Then he added, "That's even better for a killer."

"why."

"The mentality is stable and there is no fluctuation." He said, "We should be like a mountain, like grass, like a boulder, like calm stagnant water."

"You see what I mean."

[I seem to understand what the teacher means by now. ] Oda walked on the road and thought, [I am indeed a very boring person, it is not an exaggeration to say that I am the same as Kusaki. The only food I like is spicy curry. Because I like it, I can insist on eating it every day. In the past, my hobby was writing The letter, writing the letter was not voluntary, but received the letter by chance and coincidence. If Mr. D hadn't insisted, he would not have formed a habit at all. ]

[Then why, because of his situation, feel sad? ]

……

A few days later, Oda got on the train of the Tokaido Line, and he was driven to Tokyo for 450 yen. Natsume Soseki left him a note. Today he has a class to talk about contemporary literature.

Contemporary literature is a little bit ahead of modern literature. Generally speaking, modern Japanese literature refers to literature before the defeat of the war, and contemporary literature after the defeat. No one who studies this area imagines much, mainly in Japan in recent years. Too many good writers.

Among the modern writers, "Xiao Suji" is one of them. In the early days of this writer, when he was serializing newspapers, he always wrote Aji Aji. It was not until the editor-in-chief said, "No, come up with a decent pen name, teacher." Put a last name on it.

Natsume Soseki saw Oda who was sitting next to him, and nodded to him wearily. Oda looked at the old man and felt that something was wrong with his health. The flesh on both sides is almost sunken, has he eaten well, or is he overthinking?

"You haven't changed at all." Natsume Soseki said to Oda after class.

He said Kosugaji in this class.

"Let's look at his excerpts first. Of course, I know that you should have read him, not only because it is famous, but because of the homework I assigned before class." There was a burst of laughter below, and Natsume Soseki said, ""The Beetle" ", his very early work."

/ Growing up, I have been living an inhuman life.

The inhuman here does not mean that I have been abused, but that my living conditions really do not smell like humans. In comparison, I live like a bug, and I am a beetle with a hard shell. /

Oda has also read "The Beetle". He read it a long time ago. Judging by the standards of teenagers, his life is very boring. Apart from collecting information and doing tasks, he doesn't know what to do in his spare time. Seniors say that mobile phones will leak information, watch TV Such visual entertainment is a low-level product. Under the encouragement of the other party, he found a hobby that is not too low-level, which is reading and reading novels.

There was a time when "The Beetle" was very popular. He bought it by the way when he was passing by the library. I don't remember the content clearly. I probably know that it is the No.1 novel. The author is called a ghost, and it touched countless people. Unfortunately, Sakunosuke Oda Untouched, he divided the books he had read into "good-looking" and "not good-looking", and nothing else.

[What is the content? ] He couldn't remember, so he could only reread it as fast as he could, trying to catch up with the professor's lecture rhythm.

/ When I was in the third grade of elementary school, I went to the deep mountains in my hometown to catch the unicorn fairy. The neighbor's Murayama went with me. He went to a different school from mine. From the perspective of elder relationship, his father is my father's subordinate, but Murayama is a casual person I'm so thankful that I can hang out even with the weird, overly shy, misfit me, I'd be alone without him.

Mr. Murayama has a strong physique, but I am very thin. I spent most of my childhood in bed, and I was out of breath after walking on the mountain for a while. At that time, I found a unicorn in the grass.

"Murayama-kun is a one-horned fairy."

"Where is there?" He pushed me away and burrowed into the grass, but I fell, and the skin on my knee was scratched by small stones.

Ah, I actually know what Murayama-kun is thinking. It is nothing more than "be able to overwhelm the boss's son", "bring a thin younger brother" and "set off his tallness". Thank you Murayama-kun, without him, I would really be alone. /

/Man, one cannot live alone. /

After the end of this paragraph, the protagonist Mr. S stated his mentality. He called himself "a person like Paramecium" and "Cuscuta is more precious than him". He has never been with him, but no matter how introverted people are, they are members of the society, and he should have a companion. Therefore, not only does he not hate Mr. Murayama who took him as his servant, but on the contrary, he is very grateful.

At this point, Oda felt slightly uncomfortable. His empathy ability is very low. In the final analysis, he is not a normal member of society. He used to think: Living alone is good, why not live alone go down.

It wasn't until Mr. D that he realized how wonderful it is to have a friend.

Others were different, he observed the people around him, they were really uncomfortable, but the ugly face was not so much a dislike of Mr. S's behavior, it might be better to say that he hit the hearts of most people present.

/I fell to the ground, and saw a beetle, curled up in a thick shell, the flesh was not exposed, there were other bugs around the beetle, greasy earthworms, dragonflies, rice planthoppers, ladybugs.

They were having a bug party, only the beetle, only the beetle was motionless, wrapped in a hard shell of pure black glitter, he reflected the light of the metal.

I looked at him and for some reason felt an empathetic love in my heart: You and I are the same kind.

Wrap yourself in a thick shell, pretend to live in the collective, and don't fit in with the flamboyant personality, wrap up the real inner, but live in the human world.

Looking at him, I was inspired, how to live a better life while protecting myself, put on a thick shell for myself. /

Oda quickly looked down, and the introverted Mr. S has changed since that day. He put on an ugly and funny laughing mask, and performed funny performances on his family and schoolmates—became a joke, said strange things, and dressed himself as A buffoon makes the others laugh, and people say, "That's great of you, you'll be a comedian in the future." He is grateful, considers his performance a success, and makes the will of others his own goal.

There are some shocking little things, for example, Mr. S loves painting very much. He started to copy comics since he was in kindergarten.

／I like Van Gogh’s art, not just talking about it, but looking at his distorted starry sky, his colorful self-portraits, his curly lines, and his strong pen use, I almost cry I was crying, I deeply realized that the world in his eyes is the same as the world in my eyes, ah, I must be sick too, or does it mean that seeing the outside world through a thick shell, even the sight becomes distorted? /

He shyly showed his favorite work to Mr. Murayama. After many years, the two still maintain a friendship. Mr. S has no close friends, and can only measure the purity of friendship by the length of time. From this point of view, Mr. Murayama and him are the closest Good friend.

[Sharing the heartfelt feelings that have never been confided to others, showing the proud works——] For some reason, Oda Sakunosuke thought of Mr. D, he thought of Mr. D’s newsletter, and occasionally the people in one or two letters, he told the truth, put himself Separated from the shell, cut the blood and flesh, let people see his blood dripping soul.

Do you mean doing it in front of yourself?

My response at the time was-

"Human nature." Natsume Soseki's voice was gloomy, and he suddenly broke the association of Oda Sakunosuke. His entry point was big and ingenious, talking about human nature.

Well, this has been talked about a lot, you see, Mr. S thinks he is a beetle, so is he a beetle, or is he a human?

Some students said: "Mr. S is of course human, it is better to say that he is just too timid, so he wears a mask."

"He represents the good side of human nature. Only extremely kind people want to cater to everyone and live carefully. Those who laugh at him are undoubtedly bullying."

[No, not right. ] Oda Sakunosuke thought, [It’s not just that, the deeper meaning of this article is...]

"Have you noticed something?" Natsume Soseki said wearily, "Mr. S's references have only appeared in two ways, me and them."

"?" The student was taken aback, not quite understanding what he meant.

"For normal people, it's not just me and them, it's often me, us, you, and them." He said, "His perspective of observing people is from a third-person perspective, even if he is describing his family, school, and life. It’s the same place, workplace.”

"I keep saying that I am a member of the society and want to integrate into the world, but actually I am from a third perspective. He is a beetle and others are human beings. The author may have such meaning in it."

In Kafka's "Metamorphosis", Gregor is a person with a beetle body and a human heart, while Mr. S in "The Beetle" is a person with a beetle soul and a human body.

Another student asked, "Is the professor saying Mr. S is a beetle?"

"No." He said meaningfully, "The point of reading this article is here. Mr. S thinks he is a beetle, but is he really? He has created a hard shell for himself like a beetle, The shell is really indestructible, can it protect the meat inside?"

Oda Sakunosuke was looking at the results.

Mr. Murayama burst out laughing, saying that Mr. S's new type of joke was very good. He said that he wanted to become a writer, which is so funny!He covered his stomach with one hand and pointed at the painting with the other hand and asked, "Is your favorite work a bug? It's the funniest joke I've heard in a year."

S hid the drawing board behind his back, his heart was broken, but he smiled and said: "This proves that I am very successful, I can make you laugh, as everyone said, I have the talent to be a comedian, I am born with an instinct It’s about bringing laughter to people.”

[My innate mission is to save the world. ]

[I was born here to love you. ]

[I want to save Shuzhi-kun. ]

[I want to be human. ]

How many desires are from the heart, how many are imposed by the outside world, what exactly does he want to do, what is his self-positioning...

Natsume Soseki said: "I'm sorry, I overlooked a lot of things." He covered his eyes with his hands, no one knows why the teacher lost his composure, "If I read this article earlier, I will find that his soul is still there Confused, instead of having goals and expectations as everyone thinks, living in the world by one's own will."

Who is he apologizing to?

……

Oda Sakunosuke benefited a lot.

He returned to his residence, took out a pen and paper, and wanted to transcribe what he saw today on paper and show it to Mr. D.

Pat, clack...

For some reason, a strong emotional torrent erupted from his mind. Before that, Oda Sakunosuke may have seen the world from the same angle as a beetle. He was surrounded by a hard and airtight shell. He could not understand intense emotions well. For example, love, such as hate, you will not be too surprised when you eat delicious food, you will not feel disgusted when you meet disgusting people, and you will thank you politely when you receive help, but you will not think too much. There will be a desire to delve deeper, just follow the other party's way of thinking and continue to talk.

He is slow, some people think it is tolerance, and the occasional emotional outbursts are all related to Mr. D. Oda Sakunosuke swears that for the first time in his short years, someone made him want to "rescue" the mood .

however……

Pat, clack...

One drop, two drops, tears fell on the white paper.

He uttered a beast-like cry, low and hoarse but mournful.

Oda Sakunosuke suddenly realizes that his pen pal, friend, and another person who is infinitely close to his soul may disappear in the world forever, forever.

For the first time, he understood that parting from life and death is such a painful thing

[Then how much grief have I brewed in my past life? ]

The author has something to say: Tsk, in fact, Oda’s character design is super subtle. Judging from the fact that he doesn’t complain about Dazai at all, he is really quite slow. He is not so much tolerant, but some of his performances should be said to be “no Know what to complain about" or "I didn't realize the point of complaining"

He is very calm and easygoing at work, basically he is a born killer, and will not have any emotional fluctuations due to killing, in other words, he has no sense of guilt

So, there should be a turning point between him from [no guilt] to calling Dazai [to the side of good], which is the turning point about the conclusion of good and evil. I think that simply reading a book in the original work can’t make up for it. For the whole value, just complete it here

[The death of Zai A made him realize that killing people will bring endless pain to others]

So the beetle actually alludes to Odasaku's low empathy and lack of ordinary human feelings~