when you look at me

Yuan Yiping's heart almost jumped out of his throat, he stopped abruptly, and called out cautiously: "Chen Shuo."

Chen Shuo faced Yuan Yiping, and the distance between them was less than ten meters. The darkness blurred Chen Shuo's expression.Yuan Yiping was terrified, and said again: "Chen Shuo?"

In an instant, the unspeakable excitement turned into overwhelming fear. Behind Chen Shuo was the sea, and he could fall off the dam with a slight tilt.Yuan Yiping was so frightened that his mind went blank.

A few seconds later, Chen Shuo jumped lightly and walked towards Yuan Yiping.

A heart fell back to his chest, and when the cold and salty sea breeze blew, Yuan Yiping only felt limp in his hands and feet, as if he had been reborn after a catastrophe.

"Why this expression?" Chen Shuo said indifferently, "Are you afraid that I will fall?"

"you……"

"I'm just blowing the wind for a while," Chen Shuo smiled, his tone was very calm: "Come and sit down, I ordered food just now, you haven't had dinner yet, have you?"

Only then did Yuan Yiping notice that there were two stone tables on the high embankment by the sea.An incandescent lamp was connected to the top of the stone table, emitting a dull light.

The two sat down facing each other, and the waves crashed against the stone wall, making a low sound like an evening bell under their feet.

"Why are you here?" Chen Shuo asked.

"I find you."

"I'll be back to Gancheng in two days," Chen Shuo said with downcast eyes while unpacking the disposable tableware on the stone table, "Even if you're looking for me, don't be in such a hurry."

Yuan Yiping didn't know how to answer.Chen Shuo went to Shenzhen to look for him twice, but he drove him away.

"Chen Shuo," Yuan Yiping hesitated, but still asked, "Why did you come to Weihai?"

Chen Shuo disassembled the disposable tableware, put the plates, bowls and chopsticks in front of him one by one, and then replied: "A long time ago, Yuan Yizhi and I planned to come here to play. He has never seen the sea since he was a child. Later, because he fell ill , did not come."

As soon as he finished speaking, a long whistle sounded from the distant sea.The two followed the sound at the same time, and it turned out that a fishing boat was slowly sailing towards the fisherman's pier.A little bit of fishing fire, like a star floating on the sea.

In the distance, the lighthouse stands on the dark sea, with a white light beam emitting from the top.

Chen Shuo's words made Yuan Yiping even more uncomfortable. His brother had never seen the real sea until his death.

Chen Shuo lit a cigarette and smoked slowly one puff at a time. The faint smell of smoke mixed with the sea breeze was pleasant.The slightly dim incandescent lamp reflected his face, his face was expressionless, not cold but not happy either.

When his cigarette was about to burn out, the owner of the fisherman brought up the dishes: "Steamed flounder, sea cabbage soup, grilled oysters, braised pipi shrimp, cold jellyfish, cola, if you want to add vegetables, go over there and greet us!"

"Well," Chen Shuo put out the cigarette butt, "Thank you."

The boss hummed and left. Chen Shuo unscrewed the lid of the Coke, poured himself half a cup, raised his eyes and said to Yuan Yiping, "I don't drink alcohol when I eat seafood. There are only Coke and Assam milk tea here."

"Oh..." Yuan Yiping also poured for himself.

This fisherman's seafood is simple to prepare, but it is fresh. Yuan Yiping put a piece of flounder meat into his mouth, it is tender and fresh, but has no fishy smell.Sea cabbage soup exudes steaming white steam, which is also delicious.

The temperature at this moment is slightly lower than during the day, but it is not cold, and the sea breeze is blowing on the face, which is very comfortable.

The moon is pale yellow, hanging low in the night sky.

"When I come here, I always think of Yizhi," Chen Shuo said suddenly, "No matter what, it's good to be alive. I can't help but think that it would be great if Yizhi was still alive."

Yuan Yiping was silent.

Chen Shuo put down the chopsticks in his hand, and raised his voice in the gusts of sea breeze: "No matter what happens to the two of us in the future, I'm serious, Yuan Yiping, I was sincere to Yuan Yizhi at that time. You can't Because of what I did after he left, I denied my feelings for him when he was there—forget it, I can’t produce evidence, why am I telling you this?”

The tone of his last sentence was not a confused question, but a self-deprecating one.

Yuan Yiping's heart tightened, and he whispered, "I believe in you."

"Why didn't you trust me earlier."

After Chen Shuo finished speaking, he took a sip of Coca-Cola and continued eating.

The atmosphere was deadlocked, Yuan Yiping remembered Chen Shuo's mother's words and the suicide note, so he couldn't help looking at Chen Shuo.Chen Shuo is here right now, so close to him that he can touch Chen Shuo's face as soon as he reaches out.However, Yuan Yiping is convinced that there must have been many moments that he did not know, and he almost lost Chen Shuo.Yuan Yiping suddenly realized that he had been in deep fear since the moment he left Chen Shuo's house.This fear is exactly the same as Yuan Yizhi's fear of death after his death.He is afraid of losing.

"I'm sorry," Yuan Yiping looked at Chen Shuo and said earnestly, "I've been...too selfish. I always thought you were unreasonable, but I never wanted to think from your perspective."

"..."

Chen Shuo looked up at Yuan Yiping and said, "Let's not talk about that, let's eat first."

So Yuan Yiping had no choice but to suppress the anxiety in his heart and eat in silence.

The two big men ate with their heads sullen, and cleaned up all the food on the table in a short time.

Chen Shuo went to pay the bill, lit another cigarette, and leaned against the stone fence of the embankment he had just sat on.Facing the undulating sea under the night, he asked Yuan Yiping: "Didn't you say you have something to say to me? Besides what you just said, what else?"

"You..." Yuan Yiping clenched his fists secretly: "When I went to your house to look for you, my aunt told me that she was very worried about you, and she said that you wrote... a suicide note."

Spitting out the word "suicide note" was like spitting out a razor blade from a soft mouth, and the pain was beyond Yuan Yiping's imagination.He almost wanted to hug Chen Shuo tightly right now, he was afraid, he was afraid that one day Chen Shuo would suddenly leave him forever, leaving behind the suicide note he had drawn up long ago.

"Oh, you said that," Chen Shuo said very lightly: "I blamed me for not putting it away. My mother saw it and scared her—it's actually nothing, I just wrote it when I remembered it. It's not considered a suicide note, right? I don't want to commit suicide, I just think it's better to prepare some things in advance, what if something unexpected happens?"

"You think so?!" Yuan Yiping couldn't help but clenched Chen Shuo's wrist: "Chen Shuo, you're actually scared too, aren't you? Because my brother...you're scared too, right? You were a good person the day before , and suddenly found out that he was ill..."

Chen Shuo turned his head and looked at Yuan Yiping motionlessly. After a while, the light from the cigarette between his fingers suddenly trembled violently.In the next second, Chen Shuo shook off Yuan Yiping's hand vigorously, and said sharply, "You fucking—what qualifications do you have to ask me? Why am I not afraid?! Maybe I wasn't afraid?! At that time, Yuan Yizhi was my man. Friend, he is very good, and I like him very much, and then he suddenly became ill, and it was an incurable disease-can I not be afraid?!" He yelled such a series of words in one breath, and his angry voice was The sound of the waves is particularly sharp.

Yuan Yiping felt as if he had been hit in the head. He finally understood that because of his hatred and prejudice towards Chen Shuo, he also denied Chen Shuo's feelings for Yuan Yizhi.But the fact is that Chen Shuo and Yuan Yizhi used to be lovers, and they liked each other.

How could Chen Shuo not be afraid of a lover who had been together day and night without any warning?

Yuan Yiping was speechless, he had misunderstood Chen Shuo for too long, and he couldn't even say sorry for a while.

"I was only 23 years old at that time." Chen Shuo restrained his emotions a little, and continued, "If it were me now, I would probably be more calm when facing such a thing, but I had just graduated at that time. I just went to work, just fell in love not long ago, and Yizhi left. I don't know how to deal with this at all. Yuan Yiping, do you think you are the only one who can't accept it?"

"Anyway, you always think that I'm a bad person, and you won't believe me. But now that I'm here, I'll tell you that before I met Yizhi, I did...remember you, on that basketball court ... I do like you a little bit. But then I like Yizhi and it's true. In Shenzhen, I said I like you, and I didn't lie. Someone else? Is it so unforgivable for me to empathize? "

Yuan Yiping's heart throbbed with pain. He didn't know how uncomfortable Chen Shuo must be when he rejected Chen Shuo again and again. At that time, Chen Shuo must have summoned up all his courage to express his heart to him.

"You wrote that... suicide note in [-]," Yuan Yiping asked masochistically, "Is it because of me? Is it because of that winter, I saw your text message, and then..." He said no Going on, if this is indeed the case, then how painful and desperate should Chen Shuo be at that time?

Chen Shuo didn't answer, he put his elbows on the fence and lowered his head.

The sea breeze passed through his hair, lifted his hair, and flipped it gently.Yuan Yiping looked at Chen Shuo's profile, and he saw the reflection of the distant lighthouse in Chen Shuo's pupils.He didn't know if Chen Shuo was crying.

After a long time, Chen Shuo said in a low voice: "I really like you very much, otherwise why would I kiss you the day before you go to Shenzhen to go to school. But at that time I couldn't confess my love to you...it was really uncomfortable, Yuan Yiping, I If you like you so much, you want to break up with me."

Yuan Yiping was stunned for a moment, and then keenly caught the strangeness in Chen Shuo's words: "Why couldn't you confess your love to me at that time?"