when you look at me

Yuan Yiping did not go to Weihai.

He went home.

This is the first time in ten years that he realizes that he knows so little about Chen Shuo. It turned out that since Yuan Yizhi left, Chen Shuo has been—is he no longer the old Chen Shuo?What has he experienced in the past ten years?

Backtracking from the source, recalling the months when Yuan Yizhi was ill, Yuan Yiping was surprised to find that he didn't know what Chen Shuo was like at that time.At that time, he was too muddled, immersed in the pain of the earth-shattering, and had no intention of caring for others.

The only impression I have is the figure of Chen Shuo running up and down. Yes, Yuan Yizhi's ward is on the seventh floor, and the payment office is on the first floor. Chen Shuo was the one who paid the fee.

Other than that, there is nothing to remember about Chen Shuo during that time.

So Yuan Yiping wanted to go home, he was going to ask his mother how Chen Shuo was at that time.

When Yuan Yiping came home, his mother was naturally happy, and quickly took the trolley case from his hand: "Are you on a business trip again?"

"No," Yuan Yiping said plainly, "I came back after asking for leave."

Mom paused: "What's wrong?"

"Mom." Yuan Yiping stepped forward and gently hugged her.

It seems that Yuan Yiping and his mother have never been so close since elementary school. My mother has always had a strong personality. After all, she is a single woman who has to pull two sons.

Mom smiled a little uncomfortable: "Hey, you... Yiping, did something happen to you?"

Yuan Yiping whispered: "Mom, there is something I want to ask you, please tell me the truth, okay?"

The mother looked confused: "What's the matter?"

"During the time my brother was sick... How was Chen Shuo...?"

What Ling Yuan Yiping didn't expect was that as soon as he finished speaking, his mother's face changed instantly.

"Why are you asking this?"

"...Mom, I can't speak clearly now, can you tell me first?"

"Did Chen Shuo tell you something?" My mother said as if facing a big enemy, "Or did you think of something? Chen Shuo - he likes men."

"Chen Shuo likes men, yes, I know," Yuan Yiping paused for a few seconds, and asked, "Mom, did you think of...something after you knew about this?"

My mother sat on the chair and remained silent. After a while, she sighed softly: "Yiping, why are you asking these questions now? Your brother... has been gone for so long."

"But Chen Shuo is still there," Yuan Yi Xiangping lightly embraced his mother's shoulders: "Tell me."

He had already guessed that it must be something Chen Shuo did when Yuan Yizhi was sick, so that now that his mother knew about Chen Shuo's sexual orientation, she had doubts about the relationship between Yuan Yizhi and Chen Shuo.

"I don't know if your brother and Chen Shuo are...that kind of relationship," my mother was probably recalling the scene at that time, speaking very slowly: "At that time your brother was sick, maybe in September of that year, The family ran out of money, and the rest of the money was paid by Chen Shuo, you know... At that time, I saw several times, Chen Shuo was still nice to your brother, and started crying as soon as he went out. He cried so much It's really hard... In the last month of your brother, he asked for leave to take care of your brother. I saw that he was very uncomfortable, and I thought, I have already borrowed so much money from him, and I owe him such a big favor. I told him to go back and rest, but he said that he wanted to stay with Yizhi, and he didn't believe that Yizhi would leave him."

Yuan Yiping's heart seemed to tremble violently, it turned out that Chen Shuo was in such pain back then.

"Then one time—your brother was not sober at that time—your brother woke up and said he wanted to speak to Chen Shuo alone. I was waiting at the door, and Chen Shuo came out of the ward after a while , his face was pale, and the whole person... looked very bad. I asked him what was wrong, but he didn't tell me, he just said Yizhi and didn't say anything. I was particularly impressed by this incident, because Chen Shuo His complexion is too ugly... Yiping, apart from these, there is nothing else."

"Mom," Yuan Yiping closed his eyes and said in pain, "Thank you."

"What's the matter? Why are you asking this all of a sudden?"

"I... I'll tell you slowly later, okay?" Yuan Yiping got up: "I'm going to find someone now."

"Who are you looking for?"

"Find Chen Shuo."

Yuan Yiping bought the earliest train number available, starting with Z, nine hours, four 10 minutes.

He had never been to Weihai, but he remembered hearing that Chen Shuo and Yuan Yizhi were planning to go to Weihai a long time ago when Yuan Yizhi was not sick.

Nine hours four 10 minutes night train, hard seat.Yuan Yiping was sitting by the window, and by the lights beside the railway, he could vaguely see the changes of the scenery outside the window. From the gray North China Plain to the hills of Shandong, he went all the way east, in the vast night. The easternmost tip of the Shandong Peninsula.

Sitting all the time, I didn't even feel tired, or I couldn't care less about my body.Yuan Yiping stared at the darkness outside the window, thinking about Chen Shuo over and over again.He recounted the events of the past ten years, from Yuan Yizhi's illness, to Yuan Yizhi's death, to the photos he saw on Chen Shuo's phone, to the time he broke contact with Chen Shuo, to the chance meeting in Changsha, And now.

Then he had to sadly admit that he hated Chen Shuo too much and knew too little.But to take a step back and talk about why he hates Chen Shuo so much, isn't it because he likes Chen Shuo.

He liked Chen Shuo, and it was too embarrassing to tell about it. When Yuan Yizhi was around, he couldn't say it, but after Yuan Yizhi passed away, he couldn't say it even more.At that time, he hated Chen Shuo's flirtatious corruption, and also hated Chen Shuo's frivolous teasing, even the kiss that Chen Shuo planted on his face the night before he went to Shenzhen to go to university, he regarded it as Chen Shuo's sin.Thinking about it now, he hates Chen Shuo, probably because he hates himself too, he hates himself for why he likes such an unbearable person, hates himself for being sad for him and suffers for him, hates himself for looking down on him and not being able to forget him.

After meeting in Changsha, Chen Shuo began to pursue him.He also hated himself, hated himself for being able to reject him straightforwardly, but always giving him hope in the entanglements and conflicts. He could not let Chen Shuo go to visit Yuan Yizhi's grave, and he didn't have to give Mr. Cui's funeral after Teacher Cui's funeral. When Chen Shuo made that phone call, Chen Shuo half-kneeled on the ground to do that thing for him that day, and he could completely push him away.But he didn't, he kept telling himself that Chen Shuo deserved what he deserved if he was lowly, but how much secret satisfaction did he have when he hurt Chen Shuo again and again.

Seeing Chen Shuo, getting close to Chen Shuo, listening to his voice, yes, Yuan Yiping felt satisfied.

Only now did Yuan Yiping realize how ethereal his hatred was. He imagined Chen Shuo as a self-deception, and then convicted him without asking why, let alone allowing him to explain.Yuan Yiping thought, he should listen to Chen Shuo's explanation, and he should try his best to understand Chen Shuo.The reason is - Chen Shuo loves him.Being looked at by such eyes, how could he not feel love.

At the meal at the Mutton Restaurant in Shenzhen, Chen Shuo said that he came to invite him, and it started and ended.This one spanned a ten-year period from beginning to end.Ten years is so long.Did Chen Shuo decide to give up at that moment?

The middle-aged man sitting next to him finished his instant noodles and asked Yuan Yiping, "Hey, brother, are you here to fight the landlord?"

"……no thank you."

"Hey, brother?" The man moved a few centimeters closer, paused, and asked in surprise, "Why are you crying?"