lemon balm

Every morning, my mother and I get up at about seven o'clock. She cooks and I wash. The small living room is full of warmth and the smell of food.She hardly talked, not as long as I could remember.We ate in silence while she washed the dishes and I packed up for school.Occasionally I would ask her for money, and she would give it to me quickly, maybe to buy stationery, maybe to eat an ice cream in summer, the money is not much, she would give it to me from time to time, and if she forgot to give it to me, she would ask for it.Then, I went out.

Walk on the road that you have to walk every day.When I got to school, the time was just right.Avoid crowds without being late.

I walk on the same road every day, counting bricks. Sometimes, which brick is broken and which one is empty, I must be the first to know.At first, there were large sycamore leaves beside the road, but later, I don’t know who gave the order, and the trees in this city were cut down bit by bit, and only the floor tiles can be counted.

What this city left me is a strong smell. I didn't feel it before, but I don't know when, I suddenly understood a lot.For example, the smell of spices in the air for a long time, the faint natural smell from the leaves of sycamore trees on both sides of the road, the unknown brand of perfume that my mother often uses, and the smell in the house of my grandparents.These seem to have re-formed a world when I was 14 years old. The me in this world is different from the past, but I can’t tell what is different. I just feel that something is different. This new and strange feeling is very strange. unique.

Along with this feeling, there are all kinds of difficulties. Why do they want to make things difficult for me?This question has troubled me for a long time, but I still can't find the answer.As I grew older, this kind of plausible regret and deliberately made things difficult gradually became unbearable for me.In the past, it was just to isolate me, and the big deal was not to communicate with each other, but gradually, they will always find a reason to take the initiative.

I always sit in the first few rows of seats by the window, and there will be bright sunlight and a broad view of things by the window, and I don’t have to endure the embarrassing situation of two desks and five people like the classmates sitting in the middle, and I can pile up all the books In the table pocket, the table is clean.But as long as I put a few books on my desk, I will be accidentally knocked down to the ground by a passing boy, "I didn't mean it!"

If I don't talk, he'll have a smirk and watch his best friend grin.If I show a little anger, I will be threatened by several people in partnership, "How about it? What are you looking at? Look at your appearance, it's disgusting, narrow-minded" and other words.

Sometimes, during gym class, I put my coat in a drawer and come back to find all kinds of stuff in it.A caterpillar, a piece of chewed gum, a mound of ink squeezed onto clothes, and raw flour that turns into a big sticky mess when it gets wet.Another time, there was a smashed glass on my stool, which of course belonged to me.At first, I also asked the teacher to solve it, but after a long time, the teacher was helpless. I remember her helpless eyes and helpless words, "Why do they insist on grabbing you? Why don't you talk to your parents?"

Helpless, I told the busy mother in the store.She was wearing a dark brown dress floating on the road, and a little black hat made her look extraordinarily dignified and noble.In the late autumn when the leaves were falling, she walked on a pair of thin high-heeled shoes, rattling. "Why don't they have trouble with others, but why do they have trouble with you?" Her deep mezzo-soprano voice was calm and elegant.

Why?I don't know either.I looked at my mother who was wearing exquisite makeup. Her round face had become slightly slender, her chin showed a sharp edge, thin eyebrows, dark eye shadow, and thick old-fashioned red lips.I don't know her a little bit, probably because her dress has changed.

After talking with the parents of both parties, my mother warned me on the way home not to make things difficult for others. We are all classmates in the same class, and we should take care of each other when we grow up.Also, don't break away from the group, and have a good relationship with your classmates, so that others won't make things difficult for me.It's just that everything remains the same.

Over time, the first row of tables by the window became my exclusive seat, no matter how other people changed seats, I would always sit here.At the same table, of course, there is no one. At first, someone was placed next to me, but gradually, they will also be excluded, deliberately knocked out of the book, deliberately teased, and isolated.No one will be friends with me anymore.

At the beginning, I thought it was my problem, I didn't have a good appearance, I didn't dress up well, and I was a little fat.My mother is not fat, and my father is very thin, but I carry three parts of too heavy flesh.Probably imitating my grandmother, that kind, silver-haired old lady, she had been slightly fat all her life, and even the hard days of sex did not make her thinner.If there is flesh on the face, the facial features cannot be seen.So I ate very little at night, and sometimes I only ate one meal a day. At the age of fourteen or fifteen, I lost a lot of weight very quickly, revealing eyebrows and eyes very similar to my father, with a youthful look, and a face shape Like a mother, soft and white.However, losing weight didn't change anything, it's just that I have always been thinner.

After my mother talked with their parents, I realized that the badness of people is engraved in the bones, engraved in the blood passed down from generation to generation.I don't remember what their parents looked like, I just remember they were all wearing black coats and their faces were expressionless, but I felt that they were smiling and grinning.Since then, I have never said these words to others.

Days are still going on.My father didn't get a penny back from driving the truck, and he never asked my mother for more money, and he rarely even went home.Occasionally, he heard his mother call him, but it was also indifferent, and he never saw her say anything.

A morning as cool as water, with white mist that cannot be dissolved, everything is peaceful and harmonious, and there is a cool autumn chill in the air.I looked at the white and clean world, and my heart beat a little faster. It was cold again today, so I needed to add more clothes.In the misty sunlight, the phone rang.Mother answered the phone calmly, "Oh, how are you doing now? Okay."

Dad killed someone with his car.Maybe it was foggy in the morning, so I couldn't see the road clearly, and there was an old man in front, who couldn't hear clearly, so he ran over and killed him.In the white mist, the old man's bright red blood permeated the taupe coat, which was very eye-catching, and soon solidified into a large black mass.At daybreak, there was no one on the road. My father was so frightened that he didn't leave. He just stood there watching. After a while, he wanted to run, but a truck was parked in the middle of the road.

In the next few days, my mother handled these matters neatly.She sold the store to appease the old man's family. The family may have benefited, but they didn't bother with her anymore.My father was very grateful to his mother, but he killed someone and couldn't drive. He hired a driver, and the money he earned couldn't cover the expenses of the two of them.So I had to rent the car out and collect some money back.And my father, still nostalgic outside, refused to go home.After all, he was useless, and my mother had no choice but to find a job, and it was with Lao Xu again.These years, Lao Xu got divorced and opened a beauty salon in other places, which was very high-end, but he met his mother who was looking for a job again.

She also lacks capable helpers, but her mother has not done this kind of work for many years, and she is very uncomfortable.Lao Xu sent her to study abroad again, to relearn new concepts and various details of the service industry.The mother has been away for several months, and the father has not come back once.I live alone at home, and I'm a little scared.But when I approached graduation, I was so busy with my schoolwork that I couldn't breathe, so I gradually got used to it.It’s just that sometimes I need to remember the trivial things like closing the windows and collecting clothes on rainy days. In autumn when there are no leaves, it rains frequently. When it rains for the whole month at the beginning of autumn, the house is damp and always uncomfortable.After more than half a month, the rain has gradually decreased, and the whole street is bare and dusty, which is very disturbing to watch.When the weather really cleared up and the winter sun shone directly on her face, it was time for my mother to come back.When she was away, I was alone, and I didn't feel lonely.But she came back suddenly, and I was not used to it.

One day when school was over at noon, I returned to the classroom after everyone had gone home. The classroom was empty, and it seemed that I was a little sneaky, but it was not a bright thing at all.I hugged a pile of books and threw them into a tin trash can, then threw a melted match, and the flames rose high with a bang, which shocked people. After the books were all burned, I threw half a basin Water, poured out a lot of garbage, and then found a person behind him.

I looked at her in panic, her big eyes were full of surprise.She probably came back to get something, so she saw me, she smiled shyly, the two bright dimples looked very nice on her fair face.She doesn't speak often, even if the teacher calls her, her voice is still small, her stature is also small, and she looks extremely quiet.I don't know how much she saw, and I didn't dare to ask, so I smiled reluctantly.

Throughout the noon, I was so nervous that I didn't notice that there was another person next to me when I was in class in the afternoon.Until the teacher said in a long voice on the podium, "Has anyone seen the books of these students? Their books are lost, which students have seen them. Really, all day long, I can't even read the books!" I just saw a smile from her.

After smiling back, the intense in-class exams began again.Sometimes I suspect that the teacher seems to have no tricks except for the exam, but I have no choice but to think about it.The whirring sound of the paper made the atmosphere very tense. I passed the paper to the students behind me, only to find that there was another deskmate next to me. I looked straight at him, his appearance was very outstanding, so I turned back and started to do the questions.

As usual, it's not too difficult, but it's trivial, and English is always like this.Fortunately, I am still serious at ordinary times, and I stared at the clock and watch for a while after I finished.Turning around, I saw my new deskmate. He was still writing, but he didn't seem very good at it, and was about to cheat.Sitting helplessly in the first row, the teacher would notice if his movements were too obvious. There seemed to be something in his drawer, so he looked at the teacher from time to time, but he never finished writing.His eyes started to look around, and one turned back and met mine.His eyes were sunny, crystal clear like a flower like Liuli, with a little anxiety, his wheat-colored face was very thin, and his resolute nose showed a hint of reluctance at the moment.I smiled at him, looked at his restless hands and fluttering eyes, and told him the answers to the multiple choice questions with my mouth.

After the exam, he looked at my paper and said, "My name is Lin Sen. I'm here for the first day today. Thank you just now. Let's go shopping together?"

"Okay!" Actually, there is nothing to buy, but there is nothing to do anyway, so let's go.There was no one at home. After my mother changed jobs, she got off work very late every day.

Some desolate campuses are actually very beautiful, there are not so many people, and they are quiet enough.There were a few tall boys playing basketball on the playground. After watching for a while, someone asked if they wanted to play together.He excitedly mingled with them, and I could only look at the clothes in embarrassment.The autumn leaves swayed and hung down with the wind, the golden light fell on his face, the thin cheeks were haloed, very beautiful.

The next day, as soon as I entered the door, I found that all my books had been thrown on the ground, and the scattered textbooks and notes were covered by a puddle of sewage.I'm used to it, these are just tricks, and I'm about to pick it up. "Who did it?" said a slightly magnetic male voice.

His eyes swept over, and everyone stopped talking.I asked again, "Who did it?"

After a while, I heard a sentence "I did it, how about it?"

"What did you do?" After speaking, he picked up a textbook, rolled it up, and threw it on the boy's head.Don't play cards according to the routine.

After a while, the teacher came on high heels. "It's you guys again, come to my office." Then they were taken home by their parents, and they didn't come to class for several days.When he came back, he was much more honest, and when he saw Lin Sen, he nodded and bowed his head and called out "Brother Lin", that obsequious look was really disgusting.

I no longer go home alone, I will talk and walk with him, chatting about some messy topics.He often plays ball, I help him look at his clothes and do his homework, but he doesn't know how to take the exam, he copies mine, and in return he treats me to ice cream and drinks.In just a few months, the relationship has been great.He said that his parents divorced, and his father found a stepmother. He lived with his mother, and his father helped him to transfer schools, so the teachers gave him three points of face.

In this winter, there was heavy snow falling all over the sky. Under a street lamp, he said, "I'm leaving, my father insists that I go back, remember to contact me." He wrote me the address and phone number, but unexpectedly, a snowflake condensed on it and turned into dew , the phone number is no longer visible.I just wanted to turn around, only to see snowflakes under the dim street lamps, and a bunch of footprints turned into scars.

This winter, it's snowing all over the sky.Snowflakes drift down one by one, covering the infinite filth in this world. The vast sky and the white ground are extraordinarily clean.My mother went to work every day, leaving early and returning late. I was at home by myself, and the house was newly installed with a heater. It was so warm that it didn't feel like winter.

I have nothing to do, watch TV all day long, flipping through old movies, so I had to turn off the TV, but the silence in the room made people feel flustered, so I had no choice but to turn on the TV again.I checked all the channels again, but couldn't find any good dramas, and wanted to turn off the TV, and happened to see the TV show "The Legend of Zhen Huan".The heroine fell ill in bed, and the hero lay down in the snow, and then used his body to cool her down.The male protagonist was lying in the snow in white clothes, a gust of wind and snow blew by, and the sound of Phoenix Yufei was heard.Liu Huan sang in a long voice, "The phoenix is ​​flying, the feathers are flying, and there is no trace in the distance."I didn't really like this show at first, my sister and sister kept shouting and talking slowly, but this scene really shocked me, and I was speechless for a while, speechless.

Laying on the bed, I watched the whole TV series.In the final ending, the protagonist is lying on the bed, thinking back on this life, entanglement and entanglement, but in the end it was the wrong payment.I actually cried, the tears were in my eyes, and for some reason, they flowed out by themselves.

As the end of the year approaches, my mother is busy buying new year’s goods, cleaning, and cooking all kinds of food at home. In winter in the central part, I always fry all kinds of food, such as radish balls, fish nuggets, lotus root slices, dried beans, crispy meat, and Phnom Penh tofu. .This meatball is made of diced radish, soaked and chopped vermicelli, mixed with batter and fried in a pan. Often other things are added, and then seasoned. It has been a long time, and I can’t remember what it is.Phnom Penh tofu is fried tofu, the surface is golden, and the golden edge when cut, white tofu, also called gold-wrapped silver, is just a tofu, which is made of gold and jade.The rest are wrapped in batter and deep-fried until golden and crispy.Sometimes I also steam braised pork, which my father loves, but I'm afraid I don't have to do it this year.Braised pork is the most troublesome. It has to be boiled, fried, and finally steamed. If you are not careful, the taste will be unpalatable, greasy and fishy.In this way, a lot of things are saved.

It turns out that there are few people in the family and there are no relatives around, so the food prepared for the New Year can often last for a long time, but she is still busy, and she has to put all kinds of food on the table for every meal.My father still didn't come back, and my mother went shopping in the supermarket and bought clothes without changing her face, as if he had never appeared before.It's just two people in the family, it's always very deserted.

On the 29th of the new year, my father finally came back despite the wind and snow.In the evening, my mother was preparing meals, and some dishes were steaming, when there was a knock on the door, my father came back.His clothes were covered with snowflakes like goose feathers, maybe it was a bit cold, and white steam was coming out of his head, so I could see his face clearly. There was no trace of time on his delicate face, and his short nose was still the same. He looks very young, but his eyes betrayed the first half of his life.He no longer likes to smile, his slightly drawn lips, and his fleshless cheeks are very serious.

"Come back, let's eat." Mother said very calmly.

"I'm back." Father said with some difficulty.

"When are you going to leave this time?"

"I haven't thought about it yet." The father said slowly, "Is the family okay?"

"Without your family, there's nothing wrong with it." Mother said calmly after taking a bite of vegetables.

In the sound of firecrackers, the New Year's Eve, the cold wind is blowing and there is noise and excitement outside, but the excitement belongs to them and has nothing to do with us.Quietly, this year is gone.New Year's Eve is also quiet, the three of them eat together around the table, eat quietly, watch the Spring Festival Gala quietly, and go back to the house to sleep quietly after eating.At twelve o'clock, there were bursts of firecrackers and cheers outside. I tossed and turned, and couldn't sleep.

The room was a bit stuffy, and when I opened the window and looked out, the crowd of people setting off fireworks hadn't cleared up, and the snowflakes hadn't cleared up either. There were a couple of couples walking on the street, looking very well-matched.I stretched out my hand outside, and it was so cold that it reminded me that it was winter.In winter, people’s hands and feet are always cold, warm but not warm. When you stretch out your fingers, you feel like pulling them back, but you don’t know what to do. Only a little bit of cold pain from the fingertips can be regarded as the completion of merit.

Quietly, the year is over.My father was suppressing something every day, feeling like he couldn't say enough, wanted to say but didn't know what to say, or didn't know how to say it.I don't know who said that my father found a female college student. After a long time, the woman is pregnant. The father didn't know how to deal with it, so he prepared to divorce his wife. Now it seems that it is probably true.I was so happy, I smiled and watched their last scene.

Today is the fifth day of the Lunar New Year, and seeing my father's withered and yellow face, he is probably preparing for a showdown today. Also, we can't really wait until the end of the Chinese New Year, otherwise it is always bad for a girl to stay alone in an empty room.I looked at my mother, she smiled calmly, and just sat on the sofa nearby, her wrinkled eyes were still beautiful, shining brightly.The dimples still have peach blossoms, but the round face is no longer round, the chin is pointed, and it is exquisite and otherworldly.Father sat on the other side, his lips twitching, speechless.

"You—or don't tell?"

"What?" He was taken aback. "Haha, there's nothing to say."

"Oh?" He smiled slightly, his eyes rolling.In a daze, my mother seemed to have returned to the past, the person she was more than ten years ago.

In desperation, my father said everything.Since starting the water pipe factory, he has met a true love, a female college student in her early twenties, and now, the child is about to be born.It turned out that she was going to eat at a restaurant, but she didn't bring any money, and she was about to shed tears from anxiety.When her father saw this, he paid for her. She was very grateful and insisted on leaving a phone call.A few days later, she called her father to pay him back the money, and then treated him to a meal.The two chatted happily and agreed to see each other next time.My father said that when she laughed, she looked very much like her mother, with dimples like peach blossoms, but she knew very little about it, she didn't understand the world, and she loved to laugh.

The mother was very indifferent and agreed to the divorce very easily, but the father seemed sticky and confused.But after all, there is nothing to worry about, so the family was divided in ten days. The house belongs to the mother, the car belongs to the father, and I follow the mother. , It's not good to bother others.

My father stayed at home for the last night, and my mother cooked a large table of dishes. The atmosphere in the warm room turned out to be very harmonious.They had been in disharmony for a long time and even drank wine together. My mother drank with a smile, and a smile I had never seen appeared on her face, brighter than spring flowers, brighter than autumn moon, with real peach blossoms in her dimples.She wore a gauze dress that looked like yellow, non-yellow, green, and non-green that she had never seen before, with a white skirt inside, and a pair of earth-colored mid-heeled shoes, and the makeup on her face was unprecedented. Retro, fair skin, solemn red lips, and blue-purple eye shadow, her hair is made into a greasy head, like a person in an old movie.She played an old song and twirled around on tiptoes. My father said, "I haven't seen you wearing these clothes for many years, and I haven't seen you wearing them again after I got married."

"Yeah, I didn't expect to be able to wear it after so many years. I'm old and can't support clothes anymore." Mother withdrew her hands and sat down on the stool. "Come on, I'll toast you. I haven't had a drink for a long time."

They drank for a long time, and the two sat without talking, and sat quietly.After a while, the air gradually cooled down, and the heating stopped. This temperature is suitable for such an atmosphere.When I went out, I ran into the aunt of the neighborhood committee who was busy. It turned out that the heating pipe was blocked, and it would be repaired soon.As soon as they entered the door, they were still sitting upright, and the atmosphere was peaceful and harmonious.

"Heroes are brave and courageous, and the children of the world are getting fewer and fewer, and the heart is still gone..." Faye Wong's clear voice came, and the mother drank the last glass with a smile, and swayed back to the room.Father was still sitting, not knowing what to say, maybe there was nothing to say at all, he just sat like this, and disappeared early the next morning.

The new semester has begun, and this is the last semester of junior high school. From the cold air in winter to the heat wave in summer, the class teacher always wears a pair of gold-rimmed glasses, and his face is ashen.She seems to be in her early thirties as if she has aged many years for no reason, with wrinkles around her eyes, curses in her mouth, and warning words all the time. Sometimes I feel that she is quite pitiful.

I sat in the first row, leaning against the window, and could see the rising sun or drifting clouds, as well as misty rain every day.There are endless papers to finish every day, and sometimes there is a set of questions for each subject in a day, and the teacher will talk about it the next morning after finishing it, which is very fulfilling.Every day after class, I go to the playground to run, from wearing a bulky cotton coat to a thin summer shirt.People with poor health are prone to get sick. The girl was admitted to the hospital several times because of her poor health. She was under a lot of pressure. Passed out.And there are sports points in the entrance examination, it is always good to run more.

What's surprising is that those gangsters didn't bother me again, maybe Lin Sen said something to them, anyway, they didn't embarrass me as much as before.Gradually, there are a few good friends, a fat man who talks and smiles, he is very honest and kind, and there is a boy with a scar on his face, his expression is dignified, not very He loves to talk, but he has a good heart. When he lost something during a test, he borrowed it from me when he was sitting next to me to finish the test.But after all, they are not close friends, and they are not reliable, just occasionally have a few people who go home together.

Xia Tian seems to have a layer of fog, making people unable to see things clearly and remember what happened.I just remember that on the day when I took the graduation photos, the sun was shining brightly, with golden light, the shadows of people were very long, and the wind was also very strong that day, blowing the long skirts of the girls and my clothes.Under the sycamore tree, there is a smell of sycamore wood, but there is no smell of spices that engulfs the entire city.I stood under the tree, watched them take pictures, took pictures one by one, walked away one by one, and finally I was left alone.I squatted under the tree, looked at the basketball hoop on the playground, sighed, graduated, goodbye.

I still can't remember how I finished the high school entrance examination, but I just remember that it was very hot that day, the fan was blowing, and I wore a pair of new gray-green shoes. The new shoes were not breathable, and my feet were very stuffy.There is also a lot of sweat on the body, flowing down one by one, mixed with the smell of other people's sweat, there is a special atmosphere, dignified and tense, but everyone is very careful and dare not make any mistakes, even breathing is rapid and tense of.

The jingle of bells is like the sound of heaven, liberating the soul of this house.But after handing in the English test, it means that these three years have become the past in your life, and you can never go back. That is already history.I still remember the teacher saying, "After graduation, some of you may never see each other again." It's not wrong, who would look forward to seeing them every day, anyway, I won't.

Not everyone can go to high school. Just like the college entrance examination, the competition for admission is fierce, but it is not as fierce as the college entrance examination.Sure enough, when the final results came out, many people did not pass the high school entrance examination, some had money from their families and paid a school selection fee, and some could only enter a technical school indifferently.Fatty and I went to a school, his name was very gratifying when it appeared, in front of me.And the other one could only go to a very bad school. I don't know how he is. I don't have any contact information of him, so I never saw him again.