Lovers are not full Just A Bit Confusing

Tristan was squeezed among the loud, laughing crowd.He looked around and wrinkled his nose.They are having a New Year's Eve party.If someone had told him a year ago that he would organize family gatherings several times a month, he would have thought that person was telling a joke, a cold joke.But it cannot be denied that he still enjoys the atmosphere deep down.One of the reasons was that the Zack family actually seemed to like him quite a bit.He was baffled by this; he hadn't even bothered to play nice.

"Where is he?"

Tristan turned to look at his adopted brother. "who?"

Gabriel glanced at him. "Your brother. The one who is related by blood."

Tristan shrugged. "I don't know, I haven't seen him recently." It was quite disappointing.He spent days waiting for an unembarrassed "so you're my brother" conversation, and after Christmas he didn't even see James.He thought that James would definitely come tonight, but he didn't expect Ryan to bring his ex-girlfriend.Apparently, she's back at work. "So you plan to recognize him as your brother?"

Tristan looked away at Gabriel in surprise.Their relationship has eased a lot this year, but the two still won't get involved in each other's personal affairs.Tristan hadn't expected Gabe to ask him that.

He didn't know how to answer.To be honest, he used to hate James very much. He felt that James wanted wind and rain, but he had nothing.But that’s in the past, and if he feels anything about James now, it’s empathy. "I don't hate him," Tristan grimaced. "Let's put it this way, I hated him before, but this guy is so obedient and soft-hearted that people can't hate him even if they want to. It's so annoying."

Gabriel laughed.

"Why do you care about this?" Tristan asked curiously.

Gabriel looked uncomfortable. "I don't care," he replied quickly. "Just ask."

Tristan studied the expression on his face for a moment, then slowly raised the corners of his mouth. "Don't worry, I still prefer to 'hate' you."

Gabriel rolled his eyes, sighed unbearably, and hurried to find his other half.

Tristan couldn't stop laughing.He looked around, but couldn't find his boyfriend no matter what.Maybe Zack is on the balcony.

Tristan walked towards the balcony and saw a tall man standing there looking up at the fireworks.Tristan smiled.

It wasn't until he walked out that he realized he had made a mistake.That's not Zach, that's Ryan.

Tristan was about to turn around and go back, but hesitated for a moment, then got curious.He heard that Ryan got back with his girlfriend a few days ago.So why is Ryan still here alone?

Ryan turned his head slightly as Tristan approached.

"I didn't know you could smoke," Tristan said.

Ryan took a deep breath and continued watching the fireworks. "I haven't smoked for several years."

"Why don't you smoke?"

Ryan didn't answer right away.

"Jamie doesn't like the smell of smoke."

Tristan raised his eyebrows slowly.Not surprised by Ryan's answer; what surprised him was the sound of his voice: complete indifference.

Tristan notices that Ryan's feet are full of cigarette butts, and he comments, "Are you making up for all the years you haven't smoked..."

"Something," Ryan replied, without looking at him.

"I guess your girlfriend is not allergic to cigarettes."

Ryan pursed his lips. "Speak straight."

"You just got back together with your ex-girlfriend, why aren't you overjoyed?"

"We're not back together yet," Ryan clarified under Tristan's questioning gaze, "We're friends. Hannah promised me a chance to get her back."

"No, I can see how hard you've tried. You've brought her here, so you might as well try harder and leave her and go straight away—oh, wait."

"You must be spanked by my brother all the time, right?"

Tristan smiled. "He's an old hitter, but I like it, so it's not a punishment."

Ryan's lips curled up slightly.He took a deep breath of the cigarette and blew it obliquely from the corner of his mouth.

Tristan stared at the firm line of Ryan's jaw, and casually wondered who would win the honor of "the most handsome man Tristan has ever seen" between Ryan and Jared.But it doesn't matter what the answer is: Zac is sexier than either of them, at least in Tristan's filtered eyes.But Tristan can still understand why James has been holding on to Ryan: If he grew up with this kind of person, he might be like James.

"So you still chose Hannah over James?"

Ryan froze.In the blink of an eye, he firmly grasped Tristan's shoulder, staring into his eyes. "He told you? Do you know where he is?"

Tristan blinked.After removing the mask of indifference, Ryan's pressing eyes made him a little scared.

Before he could answer, Ryan let go of his hand, took a step back, and turned into a poker face again.

"No, don't tell me anything." He looked away, a muscle in his jaw twitching. "I do not want to know."

This is too tantalizing.

"I've known he liked you for years," Tristan said slowly. "But I don't know where he is. You don't know. Where can I go? What happened?"

Ryan lit another cigarette and took a long puff, the end of which was burning hot red. "He's gone, all of a sudden."

He gave a short laugh. "Our 15-year relationship is over with a broken phone call."

oh.Tristan didn't expect James to have the courage to break up with Ryan, and now it seems that he was wrong.

Tristan folded his arms across his chest, studying Ryan.Although he doesn't know much about the situation, he can use precise and reasonable reasoning to guess the whole picture of the matter. "But you are with the woman you love again, shouldn't you be happy?"

"Happy," Ryan repeated like it was a foreign word.He stood there, looking at the fireworks in the sky.

"I'm having fun. I'm fucking insane." His tone didn't mean it.When he spoke again, his tone became crisp and crisp. "It's all right. He's doing the right thing. That won't work, it'll just mess with both of our brains."

Tristan didn't know what to say. "So it's over between you two? It's completely over?" It's unbelievable, it feels...very wrong.

"He said maybe we'd see each other in a few years." Ryan let out a sharp laugh, clutching the balcony rail. "In a few years..."

Tristan tilted his head to study his expression. "Did you fuck him? Did this scare you?"

Ryan seemed both amused by him and stung by him. "Are you always this straightforward?"

"So the answer is 'yes'?" Tristan said.

"Yes." Ryan said.

"Does it feel that bad?"

"That's not the problem."

"What's the problem then?"

"The problem is Jamie," Ryan said, as if that explained everything.Maybe it does for him. "It feels weird."

"I can tell," Tristan said, giggling. "Listen, I'm from here. I 100% only like men, but when I was a public figure, every once in a while I had to take a woman out and deal with them." He made a Bitter phase. "Objectively, they're all beautiful, but even if I could manage to get myself hard - I gotta tell you, it's the hardest thing to get hard on a woman - that kind of intercourse made me feel a little sick, totally fine No. Of course, it's not the girls' fault, it's mine." He looked at Ryan.

"That's the point I'm trying to make. It's easy to fool your brain, but much harder to fool your dick. It's possible to be sexually fluid, but there are limits—with certain objects, you can either be hard, Either it’s hard or not, there’s no gray area. Of course it’s weird for a straight guy to have sex with a guy for the first time, but do you feel gross or forced?”

"No." Ryan replied after a while.

"Is it a sympathy gun?"

"No." Ryan's tone became sharper.

"Is it hard to get hard on him?"

Ryan said nothing, looking increasingly annoyed.

Tristan smiled, thinking of Zach.It's the same way if Zach encounters something that he doesn't want to admit to himself. "You like having sex with him, don't you?" Tristan asked softly.

Ryan pursed his lips tightly.

"Hey, I don't mean to be gossip!" Tristan said, laughing. "I just remembered someone telling me six months ago how disgusting it would be to sleep with James - it's like sleeping with your own brother." Yay!He loves to say this kind of "I told you a long time ago" lines, so I don't feel comfortable suing him.It feels so good to be a prophet. "But since you're not related by blood, it's just a little naughty to love a man like a brother and like to fuck him at the same time."

Ryan looked at him with an unpredictable expression, and suddenly pulled Trista over.

"What—" Tristan was kissed by Ryan before he could cry out.Tristan's first reaction was horror (what if Zach finds out, gets mad, and breaks up with him?), and then he's annoyed at the way he's thinking (he's not Zack's personal property, heck, he Don't be pathetic like that, he doesn't want to be clingy.) Then he relaxes and lets Ryan kiss him.Objectively speaking, Ryan is very sexy and good at kissing, but he doesn't feel it at all.The kiss only confirmed once again that the one he loved was Zach.No matter how pathetic, all he wanted was Zach's kiss.He didn't feel any passion from Ryan either, so Tristan wasn't surprised to see him look blank when Ryan stepped back.

"Your brother is going to kill you for this," Tristan said, wiping his lips. "He's possessive as hell." Tristan grimaced. "My brother might kill me for this too. How about none of us talking about it?" He looked at Ryan curiously. "Is it useful? Confirm that you are interested in men?"

"No." Ryan said perfunctorily, looking away.

Tristan smiled. "Although you treat him as a younger brother, you still prefer to kiss him, right?"

Ryan didn't answer, and Tristan didn't need him to.

"Did you know?" Tristan murmured, staring at the fireworks. "My leg is almost fully healed, but I'm not going back to football. Ever. I don't want to go back. Because... I feel like Arthur's involvement devalues ​​everything I've achieved in my career. Tristan bit his cheek, and became furious again. "I'm going to business school." He's always had a flair for investing, and it's something he's really passionate about and good at. "I want to earn something for myself, something I earn entirely on my own."

Tristan glanced at Ryan, who was looking at him thoughtfully. "You know, for a long time I've been trying to convince myself that I shouldn't pursue anything Arthur agrees with. After I found my biological father, I hated him so much, hated his family, hated the family business. If I were Arthur My precious heir, he will definitely let me follow my father's business, so I always felt awkward to be in the same industry with him. But then I thought: why not? If I really want to do this so much, why should I care What does he think?" Tristan smiled melancholy.

To hell with Arthur. “Sometimes we get a deep-rooted belief that something is a mistake and we shouldn’t be pursuing it. But sometimes it’s all bullshit. Sometimes our own thinking is our worst enemy.” He looked straight at Ryan's eyes. "I think you know what I mean. As long as you don't think wildly, there's nothing abnormal or wrong."

He went back to the house, his footsteps were a little jumpy, and when he left the balcony, he could feel Ryan's heavy gaze behind him.

"As soon as you smile like this, I know you're playing tricks." Someone said dryly, with a familiar voice.It's Zach.Tristan put on a hurt look.

Zach doesn't like him.He wrapped his arms around Tristan's waist, pulling him into his arms.Tristan put away his feigned grievance, grinned, and wrapped his arms around Zach's neck. "I was enlightening others just now." He said innocently.

"I can't even imagine how you got fooled." Zac finished, biting Tristan's lower lip and began to suck.

After a few minutes, they finally parted because they couldn't breathe.Tristan stared into Zac's gray eyes, battling a terrible cloud of sentimentality inside him.Tsk, it's okay to talk about love, you're going to die.

Zach smiled and kissed his nose. "Happy New Year, Babyface."

Tristan sighed inwardly, giving up fighting against the sweetness, he pulled Zac and kissed him again, his lips belonged to him.

happy New Year.

For the first time in his life, he knew in his heart that next year would be happy.

At least for the two of them.

***

After Tristan left, Ryan stood on the balcony for a long time.

No, kissing Tristan was totally useless.The kiss had chilled him, but kissing Jamie—wrong though it had been—had never given him the chill.Jamie was warm, as always.Kissing Jamie was weird as hell, but his little kissy mouth tasted sweet and unlike anyone else's—it was Jamie's mouth.

As long as you don't think wildly, there is nothing abnormal or wrong.

Easy to say.

Ryan sighed and wiped his face.Nothing matters now.He had to go in, to the woman he loved, to Hannah.Jamie left him - never to return.

He still has little sense of reality.

Ryan watched the fireworks take off, bloom, and bloom brilliantly.Jamie loves fireworks and always gets excited like a child every time he sees them set off.

A hollow pain gripped Ryan's heart.For the first time in years, he realized, he hadn't seen the New Year's fireworks with Jamie.In the future, such scenes will be staged countless times.

Ryan lit another cigarette and took a deep breath.

The door opened and closed behind him.

"You're going to catch a cold," Hannah said.

He only felt a blow to the head, and a feeling of deja vu came over him.Is it really only three weeks?

Three weeks ago, on this very balcony, he had chosen Jamie over Hannah.He was angry and heartbroken, but determined to keep Jamie by any means necessary.

But it was still not enough. On the contrary, this decision made them fall out, and there was no room for regret.

He should have given up on Jamie then.If he had chosen Hannah, nothing would have happened afterwards.

That way, Hannah would continue to love him, and his love for Hannah wouldn't be soured by his conflicted feelings for Jamie.

Ryan grimaced at himself.Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.Could he stop thinking about Jamie, even for two damn minutes?He never noticed how long he spent thinking about Jamie until he stopped.The problem was that when he really stopped thinking about the things that were upsetting him, he became edgy, absent-minded, and moody.This can be very unhealthy, but that's the way it is.

"Ryan?"

"Sorry," he said, reaching out to Hannah and squeezing her hand. "I'm sorry, have I been boring lately?"

Her blue eyes looked at him thoughtfully.There was something wary in her eyes—it had never been seen before.She has changed.But then again, he's changed too.For the first time, Ryan realized that the two of them had changed a lot, and they were no longer a good fit for each other.

"You're a little different," she said, as if reading his thoughts. "You're kind of...sometimes I look at you and feel like I don't understand you at all."

He feels the same way.

The truth is, he doesn't know what Ryan Hardaway would be without James Grayson in his life.

Time to explore.

Behind him, fireworks were lit in the backyard and the crowd erupted in cheers.

"Happy New Years, Ryan," Hannah said, smiling softly.Her blond hair was dazzling.

a new Year.New beginning.

Ryan forced a smile, trying to ignore the disturbing sense of dislocation.

If you still care about me, just let me go.Be a happy person.

He has to do his best.