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Chapter 21 Be a "Breakthrough" EQ Master (1)
change your reverse trajectory
To become a "breakthrough" emotional intelligence master, we must understand the fact that it is our perspective on things that determines our emotional responses, not the events themselves.

In real life, we can observe that some people who are full of anxiety and emotional intelligence often perform poorly at work.This is not because their practical ability is not good, but because they have negative thoughts in their thinking, which are contrary to their optimistic attitude.Just like a highway, you should be moving forward, but he is constantly driving backwards. In the instinct of moving forward and the reality of driving backwards, he is entangled in positive and negative thoughts and cannot extricate himself.

He may think: "Well, I'm sure I can't do this well." Or "This is not what I'm good at, I can't do it well!" Hope the plan achieves the goal.This kind of reverse thinking seriously limits their enthusiasm in work, making their work effect as they imagined.In fact, with just a few tricks to reduce their negative thoughts, these people can bounce back, work more efficiently, and break through in their careers.

In reality, how everyone feels and behaves is largely influenced by how they think.Negative thoughts tend to make people worry and depressed, while positive thoughts make people feel confident and uplifted.Here, we mainly discuss the resistance of negative thoughts to breakthrough.We must be aware that some negative thoughts come from reality, while others may be based on "guessing":
He considered himself so incompetent that he had no facts to support his opinion, but he stubbornly stuck to his tone and judgment.

For the latter, we call "automatic pessimistic thinking."This kind of thinking mostly comes from an unrealistic pessimism. It often "automatically" goes into a person's thinking, restricts your performance and impulse, and damages your self-confidence.Some people have the idea of ​​giving up inexplicably at work, feeling that they cannot complete the work on time, and they are not sure about the quality.

He will think of his many shortcomings: lack of ability, rigid ideas, and insufficient time.Under the impact of a series of pessimistic thoughts, he was unable to break through himself, but retreated step by step, returned to the starting line again, and retreated to the origin of his work.

The main way to deal with this kind of thinking is to develop breakthrough emotional intelligence: in the face of difficulties and challenges, dare to break through, overcome adversity, and always maintain strong self-confidence.

Here, what we need to do is to change the way we look at things and focus on the things themselves rather than our own defects.

Most of us agree that what happens in our life affects how we feel—that is, what happens to us and what happens to us emotionally.The following example vividly demonstrates our concept.

One night, I met my good friend Pease.He works in advertising in the California area and was recently in Washington on a business trip.I asked him how he was doing lately, and he smiled wryly and said he felt terrible and couldn't have a darker life than he is now.

"I'm a failure. I can't do anything. It's like a wall stands in front of me, making it hard for me to move." I was very surprised and asked why.He explained that not long ago, the boss suddenly called him into the office, saying that the report he made for a big client was unqualified, and he didn't even get a chance to redo it.The boss was not only rude, but also threatened him to think about his future.

"You idiot! If you still want to work here, use your brains and let me see a normal person, not the stupid look you have now!"

In the eyes of many, it was the boss's rude words that stung Pease.However, things are not as people imagined. In fact, this detail contains very complicated connotations:

If the boss sees Pease as a useless idiot, and Pease sees him as such, then Pease's emotion may be worry or despair.He fears he will be fired and despairs at his uselessness and inability to do anything.

If Pease felt that the boss was being completely vexatious in what he said and that he was underestimating his ability to do the job, Pease's emotion could be anger or frustration.He was angry because the leader looked down on him, and frustrated because the leader lacked the most basic trust in him.

If Pease thinks the boss's rudeness may be because he really didn't do a good job and he can forgive him, his mood is calm, even positive, and he has to work hard to get things done, lest the boss yell at him again .

From this point of view, one thing can have many understandings, and each understanding will produce different emotional reactions.Why don't we choose an understanding that is conducive to our breakthrough?

Pease could have said to himself, "Oh, the boss is motivating me! He thinks I can do well, but I messed up by accident, so I have to pick myself up and give it my all next time." ability."

He can gain self-confidence from it, affirming his efforts and talents.This is the basic element of breakthrough emotional intelligence: No matter how hard the blow is, it motivates you to keep trying, rather than flooding you with negativity and low self-esteem.

So it's not the event itself (however bad it is) that determines emotion, it's how we perceive things that determines it.When I face those participants in the training class, whether they are managers or ordinary employees, I will tell them in the consultation and training: When your emotions become bad, you must pay attention to discerning whether it is the wrong angle that leads you you?Is there any place that caused you to have an illusion?

By reversing one's own thinking inertia and adopting reverse self-motivation, one can successfully obtain a spiritual breakthrough.If we can learn to distinguish and actively change our fixed trajectory, you can become the master of your emotions and be more confident when doing things.

cure our terminal illness

Deep in our hearts, there will be many assumptions and beliefs.These things are profoundly affecting our lives.In fact, they are not unchangeable facts, and many times they are wrong.If we can try to change them and replace them with more beneficial, accurate and positive beliefs, then our hearts will undoubtedly be more open and perform better in work and life.On the contrary, if we are under the control of some deep-rooted negative concepts for a long time, our hearts will be closed, and everything we do will appear to be a failure.

This shows that a person's failure often comes from the self-abandonment of the heart, rather than external blows.

The Wests love their daughter Anne very much. In their opinion, it is better for Anne to grow up by encouraging their children.Encouragement is what fuels a person's growth, and they embrace this philosophy.In specific operations, they have taken wrong actions.No matter what Annie did or how well she did, the couple would not praise her, but encouraged her by saying:

"It's not enough this time, try harder next time!" "If you can work harder, Mom and Dad will be satisfied."

Annie only scored 80 points in the exam. Her parents think that she failed the exam, and she must score 90 points next time to count as hard work.However, once Annie gets 90 points next time, her parents will tell her that 100 points is the best, and any other points are not qualified.

Over time, Annie developed the belief, "No matter how hard I try, I'm never good enough."

When Annie grew up, she found a good job.At work, she can't tap her potential. Every time she takes over a challenging job, she will have the idea of ​​"I'm not good enough", and even think, if I can't do my job well and screw things up, others Will come and laugh at my incompetence.

"How can I be competent? I don't have such ability at all!" Annie thought like this when faced with the opportunity of promotion.She always automatically gives up good opportunities to express herself, and puts herself in a state of no pursuit and willingness to indulge.Like a cancer patient who accepts his fate and quietly waits for death.

Therefore, she actively gave up the difficult and challenging tasks to others, and she only did those things that could be easily done.She muddled things along, without ambition or aggressive interest.Although many people encouraged Anne to think positively and believe that she could be qualified for more valuable work, this encouragement had little effect on her.Because she has decided that she is not good enough.

"I can't be whimsical, I'm stupid." The "denial" attitude towards herself in her heart gave her a special survival rule, that is, only do the things that are sure, and leave the slightly difficult things to others, so that Your own "incompetence" will not be discovered by others.

In fact, many people who lack self-confidence are affected by many negative or false assumptions, just like Annie.In order to overcome this, when we have the idea that we can't do it, we must learn to look for evidence to overthrow some unreliable "theories".

This evidence should consist of the following:

Advantages of one's own abilities: academic qualifications, knowledge reserves, and practical solutions.Past job performance, those visible evidence of being able to perform well.

Colleagues or friends' affirmation of oneself: Those compliments expressed personally or behind the back in past life and work, and even false compliments are a kind of "iron evidence".

Specific analysis of opportunities, that is, when faced with an opportunity, ask yourself whether you have made a rational and objective judgment, whether "I" really can't grasp this opportunity?
Or is "I" perfectly capable of doing the job, and doing it better than anyone else?

Among these four items, no matter which piece of evidence you find, you should take it out without hesitation as affirmation and realistic encouragement to yourself.Just like Annie, when she finds "evidence", she should tell herself decisively: "I'm great, aren't I? When I was a child, my parents educated me in a way that I didn't like, and the effect was not good, but their intention was I did a really good job of trying to make me better. Now that I can meet their expectations and my colleagues and supervisors are affirming my ability to work, why should I not give it a try?"

When Annie started thinking this way, she had a breakthrough.The distorted thinking habits she developed over the past two decades can be corrected, and a new open-minded self-confidence begins to form, helping her restart her life and continuously achieve leapfrog development. .

Tom, a manager of market development at Goldman Sachs, told me that his work has been stressful lately, and he often feels overwhelmed for no reason and can't handle it.

"Please tell me, where do you think the pressure comes from?" "I don't know, but one thing is for sure. I feel that the work is becoming more and more difficult, and I am a little powerless." "Because of the excellent colleagues, the pressure of competition too big?"

"Maybe there is such a reason. My self-confidence is not enough. I stand still. Every time I take a step forward, I have to adjust my breathing. I have to pay a very high price. I think I am about to suffocate to death!"

When Tom complained and confided to me, I could feel the despair in his eyes. This is a person who is lost in the heavy work, just like countless white-collar workers and managers with heavy responsibilities around us. Overwhelmed and overwhelmed by the performance.

I suggested that he talk to his boss about the situation and seek understanding and support.I think this is a good way, but not everyone has such tolerance and courage.Tom said he couldn't do this because he felt that once he said it, the boss would think he was not qualified for the job and would even fire him.

Thinking of this, Tom felt even more stressed.I decided to let it go and let him adjust himself first. In other words, he needs to pay a certain price for the wrong method.Tom returned to Goldman Sachs to continue working. The pressure of work made him work slowly and often make mistakes.For this reason, he almost despaired.I called him one night to ask how he was doing and wanted to talk to him, but Tom still wanted to hurry up and work, he was worried that if he couldn't finish that report tonight, he would be fired the next morning .

At this time, I knew that I couldn't wait any longer, and I had to call a decisive stop to let him stop from this painful and ineffective work.

I asked Tom to recall: "What was the sales announcement? Who brought in the biggest account for the company this year? When your colleague resigned from the position of senior sales executive six months ago, who was recommended? How about taking this seat?"

"Ah!" Tom obviously paused on the phone for a long time before confirming that it was himself.I told him, doesn't that mean you're good?Tom suddenly realized that he realized his problem, so he decided to follow my method and talk to his boss.

The analysis I did for Tom was to "find the evidence."Tom's negativity caused him to ignore the fact that he was really good.And once he finds evidence of his excellence, he can overturn negative thinking and become positive.

When we're stuck with a negative emotion, what you're doing isn't whining and disappointment—that's pointless in solving the problem.What you have to do is to find the evidence that proves your excellence, regain your self-confidence, overthrow the negative thoughts in your heart, quickly climb up in the mud pit, jump to the flat road outside, and move on.

This is essential for everyone's "breakthrough".In layman's terms, it's like you're driving a car down a desert road in western California.Yelling or stopping for a cigarette when your car is running out of gas is not going to help, only finding a nearby gas station and refilling is the right thing to do to prolong your journey.Otherwise you'll just be anchored in the desert, and you won't get sympathy for your dire situation.

From visionary to doer
Everyone needs to break through our inner "fantasy" state and take the first step in action.The world of visionaries is beautiful, but they often achieve nothing; only doers get results.

In the training class, I told those technical engineers from Microsoft who were full of hope for the future: "If a person wants to achieve results, he must change from a visionary to a doer. You should be self-respecting and good at self-control. Judgment and decisiveness. For your life, this is more critical than writing a few lines of technical code."

The quality of self-esteem and self-control is not only a manifestation of high emotional intelligence, but also the key foundation for a person to move from a visionary to a doer.

Why do you say this way?Take a look at the following example:

(End of this chapter)