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Chapter 20 Improving our family emotional intelligence (3)
When a child encounters setbacks, for example, the child's academic performance is not satisfactory, parents should not say: "What's the matter with you today, the test is so bad." Instead, say: "Maybe I let myself down this time, so what do you think?" Is there anything worthy of affirmation?" In this way, the child will look at the problem from a positive perspective, and he may say happily: "Ah, my math score has improved a little bit compared to last time. It will be even better!"

Positive thinking ability is formed over time, not overnight.Therefore, parents should work hard in peacetime, pay attention to their children's performance, and guide them in a timely manner.Hard work pays off, as long as parents work hard, they will definitely be able to cultivate an optimistic child.

Cultivate children's interpersonal skills

Today, most children in the country are only children.Parents who want to develop their children's interpersonal skills should arrange more opportunities to welcome their children's partners into the home to play, learn, and spend important moments in life with their children, such as his birthday.

Creating opportunities for interaction is very important.Instead of talking to him about how to make friends, it is better to provide him with occasions and opportunities for him to experience and summarize by himself.

Parents who value the development of emotional intelligence, when their children participate in these group activities, the focus is not on the comparison between the child and others, such as "how much taller is my child than others?" or "my child learns faster or slower than others?" , but to pay attention to the subtle performance of the child when interacting with others.For example, does he initiate conversations with others?How does he react when others communicate with him?In this process, parents should take the initiative to guide the child so that he can learn to use the correct method and attitude to communicate with his partners.

To cultivate children's interpersonal interaction ability, not only let children participate in the activities of their partners, but also teach them the spirit of sharing with friends.

I remembered that when I was in high school in China, I attended a classmate's birthday party.Before leaving, her mother made a special arrangement. She took out a paper bag and asked her daughter to give each classmate present an identical tape.

The scene was full of excitement, because it was our idol's latest song album.At the same time, we can't help but have doubts: how can there be any reason for birthday stars to give gifts to others?This classmate explained to us with a smile that we can listen to the same music when we are tired from studying, so we will have the same mood, and we will be closer together.This is a great idea!Until now, I still remember the special gift from my friend's mother.Now it seems that what the mother did not only gave the child a special birthday party, but most importantly taught the child to actively share with others and enjoy the joy of sharing.

In stark contrast, the behavior of some parents is shocking.At their children's parties, they just want their children to be the center of attention, and they miss out on an opportunity to develop their children's interpersonal skills.They use materials and various ingenuity to create "surprises", so that children have style or momentum, and they "top the crowd" in these superficial scenery, gaining everyone's attention.In fact, what they do can only destroy the abilities that children should have.

What we have mentioned above are just some of the main aspects of cultivating emotional intelligence. In real life, parents need to do a lot more.This requires parents to be caring people, dig out more about the connotation of children's EQ, and grasp the opportunities to cultivate children's EQ bit by bit.

The cultivation of family emotional intelligence cannot be completed overnight, but depends on long-term and persistent cultivation and accumulation.As long as parents can persist in their efforts, they will surely find more ways to cultivate their children, so that their IQ and EQ can be developed in a more comprehensive way at the same time.

How to be the most popular caring person

"Caring people in the family" is an image concept of family emotional intelligence that I proposed in 2009.When I do community research in Washington DC, a common question that many couples ask me is: "How do you change a cold family relationship?"

Not only Americans are facing the problem of family temperature drop caused by busy work, but most families in China will inevitably fall into the problem of neglecting the creation and maintenance of family atmosphere as long as they are busy with work.A Mr. Wu who came to the United States from Shanghai on a business trip once said to me: "Mr. Su, I am a very enthusiastic and delicate person. I know that family is the pillar of a person's life and a warm haven that I must take care of. But I I don’t have much time to spend with my family, and on my wife’s or parents’ birthdays, I’m out of town, sometimes I’m in meetings, sometimes I’m having dinner with clients, and even if I want to express my heart, I can’t spare my hands.”

"So, have you prepared in advance?" I only asked a simple question, and Mr. Wu was speechless. The premise of "caring" is actually another word: caring.If you are a caring person, no matter how busy you are at work, you can still find opportunities to express your love and take care of your family.The difference is that most of us have lost the ability to grasp and express ourselves in details.

People are not used to making surprises, so it is impossible to let their family members feel their caring.We will see that after many "dads" come home, they are greeted with cold eyes from their children and tired and indifferent eyes from their wives.

I have a friend who is in his early thirties this year and has a successful career.But every month at the end of the month, he would drive himself back to his hometown in the suburbs.Every time he returns home, he asks his mother, who is nearly sixty years old, to cut his hair in person.

When I tell this example, many people's eyes widen in amazement, and they don't understand why.For this friend, a haircut is a small tradition in his family.Many years ago, his family was in financial difficulties, and it was difficult to get enough money for school, so he often borrowed money from different places.So in order to save money, the mother would do it herself and cut the hair of several children in the family.This cut lasts for decades until the children grow up.

When the children grow up, they no longer ask their mothers to cut their hair.Because getting a haircut at the barber doesn't cost a fortune and feels comfortable and stylish.However, this friend did not do so.He is the most promising son of his mother, but he will often go home and beg his mother to cut his hair.

In fact, my mother's handicraft is not very good, even the basic skills of using scissors are not good, and a few hairs will be pulled out abruptly while cutting.However, my friend never cares about these things. He will endure the pain and praise his mother for her good haircutting skills.Friends constantly trouble the old and dizzy mother instead of going to the barber shop for a haircut. In fact, it is a special way of understanding and expressing love, and it is a channel for emotional communication with relatives.

His mother also knew that the reason why her son came to "booze her" was to let her relive the relationship between mother and child for many years, so that she felt that she was still capable of taking care of her son.It's a very sweet gesture.For a friend, he knows that no matter when he is a child in the eyes of his mother, he must let his mother realize that he will always need this kind of love, so as to prevent her from feeling more and more lost as she grows older.

Such a pair of mother and son truly understand the true meaning of love.The son has done a good job in this matter, he has become the mother's caring person in action, and this is the embodiment of a very high family emotional intelligence.

Although many people want to take care of their relatives and lovers more intimately, they don't know how to do it, and even make counterproductive actions.Parents' trivial exhortations to their children are caring for their children, but some people interpret their parents' exhortations as "too nagging"; children clumsily help their parents with housework and want to help them share the hard work, parents think that children are "encumbering themselves "; the wife keeps calling, in order to make her husband a little safer, some husbands regard it as "the wife's distrust of herself".In short, countless misunderstandings have alienated the feelings between people.

If you want to be a caring person in the family, you must understand the behavior of your relatives or lovers from a higher level.It is necessary to change your heart and learn to think differently, instead of emotionally deviating from the normal communication track on the spur of the moment.If you don't just look at the surface, but see that they love you, you can understand them more deeply and trust them.In this way, you will improve your family's EQ, and unknowingly become the most caring person in their eyes.

For women (wives or mothers), there is one principle that is especially important.In the long-term family life, the ultimate power to attract the other party's continuous love is not beauty or romance, but a woman's tolerance like a "mother".This kind of tolerance is reflected in the fact that she can listen to the man's boastful talk with her heart, allow the man to spend time with friends, trust the man's relationship with other women, and keep silent and tolerant when the man is not aggressive, etc.

With this kind of appropriate tolerance, a good man can naturally appreciate his wife's thoughtfulness and love.He will also double cherish the understanding and consideration from women, and find his correct position in life, so that the relationship between the two parties will not lose to time.

It can be said that tolerance is the cornerstone of happiness and understanding.In family life, tolerance is the basis of caring, and the real meaning is that we need to offer our most touching understanding and trust.And this kind of tolerance allows both parties to get: sincere cherish and respect.

(End of this chapter)