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Chapter 17 Breaking through emotional barriers (3)
Therefore, when two people with conflicting values ​​quarrel, it is usually not who is right and who is wrong, but the inevitable result of the fierce conflict of values.I asked myself this question many years ago, before I made up my mind to get married.I hope that I can calmly analyze my beliefs and find common ground with her.We have communicated and integrated well. Through self-question and communication, we have shared values, made our emotional foundation stronger, and are sure that we will firmly hold hands with each other for a lifetime.

"Baby, we are inseparable; we are people of the same world!" You see, if two people can come to such a conclusion, it will protect your love and marriage far more effectively than how much material wealth you have between you.After answering the first three questions, you can answer the fourth question: "How should I manage my relationship?" Or, at least you know what kind of relationship you should accept and reject.Up to this point, a technical issue of dealing with the emotional world has been involved. You should learn how to accept and manage a relationship, and how to strengthen a relationship.

Even, at this time, you can also focus on those "please each other" skills, because you already have an unbreakable emotional foundation.

If you have found a clear answer to the above four questions, you have truly fully understood yourself and can manage it, and then you only need to take corresponding actions to maintain your emotional world.Once a person is good at managing himself, many emotional problems will be solved, and he will no longer be full of confusion.

healthy functioning self-awareness

Psychologists generally believe that self-awareness is composed of three psychological components: self-knowledge, self-experience and self-control.These three points are closely linked and inseparable.

So if we want to understand what self-awareness really is, we first need to know what self-knowledge is.To put it simply, self-knowledge is what you know about yourself. "Who am I? What are my characteristics? What can I do?" These three questions form the main part of self-knowledge.A person's degree of self-awareness will affect his performance in real life and will also determine his future.

If a person regards himself as inferior in actual social life, he will have an inferiority complex.When doing things, he lacks the confidence to be competent, and it is difficult to show initiative and enthusiasm in work. In the end, no matter what he does, it is difficult to guarantee the quality.

On the contrary, if a person only sees his own strengths one-sidedly, he will have a blindly optimistic mood and become self-righteous and extremely arrogant.Often, as a result, he does not handle relationships well and is easily rejected or isolated by others.Because no one likes an egomaniac, no matter how capable he is, it can't increase his impression points.At this time, powerful abilities will have a chemical reaction with self-confidence, forming a negative effect.

Second, self-experience is also an important aspect of self-knowledge.Self-experience mainly includes two aspects of self-esteem and self-confidence.We all know that self-esteem is essential. It is an internal drive that motivates individuals to gain the respect from others from the heart as much as possible, and to maintain their own honor or status as much as possible.Self-confidence is the persistence of one's own intelligence and energy, which can enable individuals to advance in the face of adversity, and to succeed while experiencing hardships.However, if self-esteem and self-confidence are too strong, people will break away from the group and pursue individual heroism; if they are too weak, they will make them feel inferior and easily become depressed.

In fact, self-experience is mainly reflected in people's sense of success and failure.These two feelings are determined by the individual's level of self-knowledge and self-expectation, which is determined by the individual's internal standards.For example, when a person completes a certain job, others think he is successful, he can think that he has achieved success, or others think that he has achieved success, but he thinks he has failed.

Because the individual's self-expectation level will be affected by the standard of social expectation, the internal standard that determines the success and failure of the individual must in many cases adapt to the common standard of society.

Finally, self-control is also an important component of self-awareness.

In the process of overcoming difficulties, individuals make their speech organs and motor organs perform various activities, which is the embodiment of self-control.For example, students will overcome the desire to snooze and get up early to read.According to the situation at that time, the main ego restrains the actions and words of the object ego, which is the restraining effect of self-control.For example, for some students who have a cold, he will forcibly suppress his cough during class, so as not to affect the image of others and himself.

This is the benefit of self-control.The performance in the emotional field is mainly reflected in some events that require self-control.For example, when you want to hug each other impulsively but the occasion is inappropriate, you can control your emotions in a timely manner and maintain a polite and gentlemanly demeanor; when you want to get angry or want to scream excitedly, you can calm down these emotions very well.

Understanding the manifestation and operating mechanism of self-awareness is only a prerequisite. Our purpose is to improve emotional intelligence, reasonably control self-awareness, and properly handle emotions.Only in this way can we break through emotional barriers and live a more quality life.

Facts have proved that when a person learns to control self-awareness, he can properly handle emotions and achieve positive results; conversely, when an individual has poor self-control, he cannot properly handle negative emotions and will usher in disappointing results. .In the control of emotions, this healthy ability is especially needed.

In love life, everyone will have this feeling: when you are in a happy mood, everything is good; when you are in a low mood, you will feel that all the unlucky things are spread on yourself.That's what emotions do, and they have both positive and negative aspects.

In any case, when we are controlled by our emotions, our love life will be difficult.Once caught in it, you can't see hope, or wander in sorrow and pain, or despair in anger and disgust, or suffer in fear and jealousy.

Therefore, we must enhance the control of self-awareness and expel bad emotions in time.In this way, we will not fall into a vicious cycle of "bad mood-offending people-doing bad things-even worse mood".Negative emotions are like endless darkness, which will only intensify things and spread to the bad side.However, we can be masters of our emotions.Because a positive attitude is like a ray of warm sunshine, which can dispel the haze in our hearts.

Empathy Discovery and Cultivation

No matter what kind of interpersonal relationship or how big the dispute is, when dealing with these relationships and problems, empathy is the best way to make it go further.Without empathy, any relationship can become cold and even more serious.

We've seen a lot of quarrels like this: both sides are at odds with each other on an issue, and both think they're right.The reason for the quarrel may not be big, but the quarrel gets bigger and bigger, until it can't be ended.

Once I witnessed a dispute between department managers in a 4A advertising agency in Los Angeles.Mr. Sanke, the manager of the planning department, and Peter C, the manager of the marketing department, had a big fight over a budget data. The two of them glared at the meeting room, attracting dozens of employees to watch, but neither of them would give in.

Peter yelled: "A plan that exceeds 30% of the budget is worthless. You can use your own money to make this film. I can't sign it."

Sank refused to budge: "Please pay attention to the ratio of input to output. There is no more perfect idea than this. Don't you want customers to give us the highest rating?"

"Ah, you are quibbling! If you really want to do it, go to the chairman for instructions, and don't waste your mouth on me!"

"I see. You are shirking your responsibilities. I will question you to the board of directors. Do you think you are qualified to be the marketing manager?"

Peter and Sank quarreled for 45 minutes and fought for [-] rounds.Because the impact on the company was too bad, the board of directors decided to dismiss both of them at the same time, and the plan was also revoked.Neither of them understood the result. They felt that they were thinking of the company, but what they got in return was a punished ending.

As a manager, it’s fine to insist on your own ideas (if you think your ideas are especially valuable), but how to reach agreement with collaborators on specific issues requires a different attitude.That is, you must imagine and tolerate the existence of differences, and you cannot force collaborators to revolve around you and obey you unconditionally.

You should forgive the other party's tit-for-tat, and consider the other party's suggestions and needs, so that you can smoothly fit with your own proposition.At its root, who is right and who is wrong is not the crux of the problem. The root cause is that neither side wants to look at things from the other's point of view.Empathy is the key to resolving emotional conflicts and conflicts of all kinds.

Psychologist Jung once had a female patient who thought she came from the moon and wanted to go back to the moon.If such a patient meets an ordinary doctor, he will try his best to correct her delusions and treat her compulsively.But Jung didn't do that. He listened with interest to her description of various scenes of life on the moon, as if these were real life.Jung then told her frankly:

"The moon is indeed beautiful, but you can't go back. What you can do now is to be an equally happy earthling."

After an interesting conversation, the female patient readily accepted Jung's persuasion, and obediently went home to take care of her husband and raise her children. Since then, her condition has not relapsed.

Empathy not only helps to solve problems, but at the same time, it can also relieve our mood-when you feel that you are not happy.

Psychological research shows that most empathetic people are more satisfied with their lives. They are not only healthy physically and mentally, but also creative in doing things, full of energy in their work, and not easy to shrink back and escape from problems.

While the benefits are many, empathy faces a lot of resistance.In the eyes of many people, it is the behavior of the weak to identify with others in order to show compassion for others.That's not the case, it's not an act of weakness, it's a solution to a problem, and it's the best way out for anyone.

When a person feels understood, when he feels that we understand that his arguments are valid and his demands are justifiable, his attitude will slowly change.As a result, countless disputes will be resolved or avoided.

Not long ago, I was driving on a heavily trafficked street in Washington, D.C., when a child ran into the road, and I had to slam on the brakes, causing the car behind me to hit me.At that time, we all got out of the car and got closer and closer.The owner of the car seemed to be preparing for battle, he didn't say a word, but I could already feel that his whole body was on alert.

However, there was no damage to either car other than a minor scratch.

In a situation like this, I can just say, "It's not my fault." Because it's the truth.But I know that once such words are spoken, they will not help solve the problem, even if they do no harm.

So, I immediately said: "I was driving very fast, and suddenly stopped, you must have not expected it. I'm sorry, are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital? I am willing to bear your loss." As a result, the man's attitude Immediately changed.He visibly lightened up and said softly, "Oh, yes, I'm fine." I saw surprise in his eyes, and he probably thought it was weird that his opponent cared that he was fine.

Finally, he shook my hand and left.We settle peacefully.Because I adopted an attitude that most people (including him) would not expect.I think that even if my car is damaged, we will not fight, because there is enough empathy to help me understand each other, treat disputes with kindness, and reach agreement with each other's emotions.

Therefore, empathy is a good medicine for many conflicts and emotional disputes. It can completely make a quarrel that might have been on the verge of daggers disappear in seconds.

(End of this chapter)